Scratch and Sniff

There Crissy was, working at the Reference desk and reading People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive issue because she is very well educated and sophisticated and cultured and such when she came across something that horrified her and also intrigued her just a little bit.

Scratch and sniff chests. Or “itch and smell” like Girlfriend calls it.

Yes Queefs. You read that right.

Sexy Scents: what fragrances makes these guys feel their sexiest? Rub the pictures to find out!

And Crissy was bored and so she looked over her shoulder and made sure she wasn’t on candid camera or anything because that would just figure and after she stopped laughing to herself she thought “fuck it” and decided to partake in the scratch and sniff.

She felt weird smelling naked paper chestals but whatev.

She’s getting paid time and a half to do it on a Sunday.

And so we have Chase Crawford who smells like Freshly Cut Grass and Taye Diggs who smells like vanilla, chocolate, sandalwood and musk, not Crissy’s favorite but she doesn’t care if Taye Diggs was covered in cat shit.

She’d still lick him raw.

Chris Meloni who Crissy thinks was at his sexiest on Oz smells all coconutty like the beach, and Micheal Phelps smells like L’Homme by YSL which Crissy did not like in the store but on naked paper Michael Phelps it’s not half bad, and then Crissy opened her eyes as she was taking her last intoxicating, panty moistening smell of Michael and found that apparently she had been transported to some sort of aromatic wonderland where she became unaware of the gathering crowd standing in front of her.

Shit.

Busted by the pain in the ass citizens of Schmuckytown.

And then when Crissy was finished rolling on the picture of Micheal Phelps the crowd cleared Crissy showed Wil, her counterpart, her discovery and had a good chuckle and just so you know, Wil thought Chris Maloney smelled the best which surprised Crissy because she would have figured Wil for more of a Freshly Cut Grass kind of guy.

And then on Monday in the break-room someone else discovered it and the magazine got passed around from lady to lady and Crissy thinks one of them actually brought it to the bathroom for a little alone time.

But Crissy is concerned Queefs. What are we scratching and sniffing next?

Crissy shudders to think of it.

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22 comments

  1. Oh dear…can you only imagine if the smell was heat-activated? The citizens would be sticking it all up in the cooches and stuff. Way inappropriate.

  2. I’m totally with you on Taye Diggs. I don’t even care that I’m happily married or that I’ll never have a chance of seeing him in real life let alone allowed the opportunity to touch my delicate soft tongue to his hard sexy body.

    Ahem.

    He’s just soooooooooo hot. Thank you for that image this early in the morning 🙂

  3. I’ve been using magazines for cologne for as long as I can remember. Sometimes I stop at the local book store to rub myself down before heading out for the evening. Don’t let the store manager see you because they get all weirded out when customers rub magazines against their chests.

  4. And then the smells somehow end up ON your nose and people know, whether you want them to or not, that you were sniffing people’s pictures. And it lingers all day.

  5. Itch and smell. I love it.

    The BF keeps going on and on about some John Waters film he saw in smell-o-vision, but I would much rather smell some coconuts or freshly mown grass (hahahahaha) than whatever scent Mr. Waters thinks compliments his films.

    That is all.

  6. I didn’t steal, I mean get, the issue this year but why is Michael Phelps in there. That guy is not hot. Dude can swim, and is really strong, but his body is shaped really weird and he has bad teeth. Was his mouth closed in the picture? I sure hope so.
    BTW, how in the hell are you going to get through Thanksgiving without drinking?? Having 3 bottles of wine is the only thing that gets me through an entire day with my family, and then all night at the in laws. I’m going to have to work conception around the holiday season.

  7. Dear Crissy,

    I didn’t know there was a name for what I am until today. I am a Lurker – I admit it. I have been Lurking your blog for about 2 weeks now. Admitting I have a problem is the first step to recovery, and I pledge now to Lurk no more. From now on, I am a Commenter. Thank you for calling me out and forcing me to see my problem.

    Sincerely,
    Jeannie

    PS – I heart your blog and am very jealous of your fancy flowery princessy picture thing at the top.

  8. I confess I had to Google Taye Diggs (please don’t banish me from your blogdom, QOFE!) and will give props to his mad 6-pak abs!

    The idea of scratch n’ sniff porn disturbs me. I do not believe I want to smell any aspect of pornography. Unless, of course, there will be special scents given to scratch n’ sniff porn. Pusspourri? Spicy ManMeat?

  9. Scratch and sniff? When did we loose the line between child and adult. Okay I admit it sounds very entertaining but at the same time it confirms that much mass media is being dumbed down? I repeat the question, what next in scratch and sniff? jana

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