This Post is Dedicated to Crissy’s Friend Chris Who Loves Hearing About Edward

Hi Chris! This is your Thanksgiving present.

So Crissy finished Twilight in about 5 hours because it’s a simple read and it flows along rather quickly and besides. All that happens is Edward and Bella are in serious puppy love and they can’t hook up because Edward thinks his super vampire powers will hurt Bella if he gets a hard on and gets carried away.

My, my, my, isn’t someone full of himself?

Never in Crissy’s life has she been turned down for sex because the dude was afraid that his wank would go right through the back of her throat and come out the other side whilst Crissy was doing the sucky-sucky.

Neh-vah.

But then again, Crissy has never sucked off a vampire.

Not that she’s aware of at least.

There was the one guy who was rather pale and liked to bite Crissy’s earlobes which Crissy found absolutely repulsive. And he did show up wearing a cape one time but Crissy is pretty sure he was just a fucking freak and not a vampire.

And for the record Crissy did not give freak boy the sucky-sucky. The dating ended promptly after the cape incident. There was never even a kiss other than the weird earlobe thing he did to her.

So anyways, Crissy’s theory on whole Edward phenomena is that he is totally, infinitely fuckable because he will not fuck. He’ll kiss, but not too much, he’ll caress and snuggle but never goes beyond that.

The boy is a pussy tease and that makes him irresistible.

There’s no better way to get a girl to want you than to refuse to fuck her. But you have to be careful because she will eventually give up on you because dick is really, really easy to come by.

What Crissy wants to know is what happens when Bella gets her period? Does Edward get his red wings? It’s chunky style, but it’s still Bella’s blood, right?

Crissy thinks that if Edward would just be there for Bella once a month everyone would win. Edward gets to feed on her blood and Bella gets to get off.

Just saying.

But really Crissy doesn’t care very much about Bella because the girl is a bloody moron.

No pun intended.

Actually it was. Sue Crissy.

And Crissy has soooo much to say about this book but it started to turn into a feminist rant about rescue fantasies, Disney princesses, and poisonous fairy tales and while the little girl inside of Crissy is madly in love with Edward, the grown woman who wrote her master’s thesis on anyone? anyone? Postfeminism knows better than to fall for the rash of bullshit that is Twilight. Crissy wants to rip this book from every teenage girl’s hand and beat her with it.

In the end, Crissy would prefer to read a vampire story about a grown up woman instead of one about a stupid, silly little girl.

And Crissy would like to read about fucking.

Where is the fucking?

Bring her the fucking.

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39 comments

  1. I’m with Ben. I’m still probably not going to read the book. Probably now because of the mental images created by this post. Eh, who am I kidding. I probably never was going to read the book, but had to pass off the blame for not jumping on the bandwagon.

  2. this comment is completely off topic.

    i just got an email from youtube that crissylicious (set to fergie) was pulled due to copyright infringement.

    fuckers.

    i’ll just have to rehost it somewhere else!

    funny enough, benny’s “i got high” video (set to song by afroman) had been flagged due to USE, but not removed due to infringement.

    just goes to show you how much cooler UMG http://new.umusic.com/ is than EMI http://www.emimusicpub.com/worldwide/index.html

    fuck EMI. whiny cunts.

    back on topic for the post….

    i think you’re on to something with the menstruation/vampire thing. there’s a natural symbiosis there. it’s obviously FRESH blood, plus it’s chunky style for extra bursts of flavor.

    however, getting it right from the tap might be too much. i am no vampire expert, but i think they get sort of in this frenzy when blood’s in their face. i’m concerned that it might result in a really epic version of getting “eaten out.”

  3. “right from the tap”….ack! Ken! cut it out.

    I would comment about the chunky style–is it wrong that I pictured salsa?–but as that has already been commented on…

    Boy with cape = undateable. The. End.

  4. The people behind Twilight are smart. This first series is like foreplay. They’re just getting you geared up. But, the young vampires have to eventually grow up, don’t they? See, more money in their pockets when they come out with more books and movies. Oh my.

  5. Fuck me sideways! This was too freakin’ funny! LMAO!

    “Chunky style,” “salsa,” “it’s chunky style for extra bursts of flavor,” and “might result in a really epic version of getting β€œeaten out.”

    After this review, I guess I’ll leave Twilight alone…for the time being.

    But back to how funny this post and the comments are. You people have the type of bat-shit crazy humor I adore. I have to keep stuff like this to myself for fear of frightening the in-laws and my friends are quite “normal” as well. Seriously, they love me but they know I can bring the crazy at the drop of a hat. I feel so at home here amongst the “salsa” and “chunky style.

  6. Crissy, you might like Lynn Viehl. This is the first in the series. Vampire stories with adults. And quite a lot of fucking, actually.

    Also I’m never going to be able to look at any vampire fiction the same way after the “chunky style” comment. Egad.

  7. I hear you! I saw the movie this weekend with a couple of girlfriends, and I couldn’t help myself. The part where he says “I want to try something with you” before he kisses her for the first time?

    I totally elbowed my friend and stage-whispered, ‘Just the tip–just to see how it feels.’

    I think vampires would *totally* be into riding the red tide.

  8. I’m glad I’m not the only one who wondered the same damn thing! You’d have to think chunky style would cause the same effect as a bleeding wound.

    Bella does need some fucking…

  9. I have been thinking about this, too. These are two high school kids, right? There must be at least one scene in which Edward says to Bella, “See you next period.”

    Freudian.

    Chunky style is kind of like blood curdling, no? Sounds delish, vampire or not.

  10. Ew ew ew ew ew! Chunky style made me throw up in my mouth a bit. Blech! Other than that part, I agree w/ your post. Give us some action Edward & Bella, you damn prudes!

  11. So the radio station here in little town USA just announced a contest in which you can win the entire soundtrack for the movie. The hype has hit little town. UGH.

  12. Thank you.

    And the last sentence of this post I’ve heard before, involving me, a rather drunk woman and a lot of other things that are not acceptable to speak of.

  13. everything is better when it involves fucking right?

    i haven’t read these damn books.

    i’m starting to tire of the blogosphere being obsessed with it i think. let’s move on to the next fad shall we?

  14. Okay—this is all so wrong…on so many levels. First vampires=scary. Natural, chunky blood source…..no effing way–EVER would ANY force of nature, human or otherwise satiate themselves on THAT form of ‘nourishment’…unless it is in utero….which is sweet and all….NOT (gulp) BLOODY GROSS!

    I have issues with the whole ‘area’, you know……..and this was, well…….gross. vampires, periods…..what are these young bloggers coming to? Whippersnappers…….the youth of the day!! πŸ™‚

    Oh, and I’ve not gotten into the twilight stuff either…….I just can’t.

  15. I should’ve figured the comments on this post would make me crack up and saved it to read after class but no. Instead I wound up giggling uncontrollably in the back of the class and getting the “H-Hem. Excuse me” I should’ve explained but I’m pretty sure my 80 year old calculus teacher wouldn’t appreciate “Chunky style”

  16. This is why you’re the QOFE, because you’re a genius. I wonder if Bella and Edward figure it out in the fourth book.

    Also, I am now convinced that I will hate this book, and yet I still plan on reading it…

  17. I agree with pretty much everything you said about the book but…. if you want the hot sexy sex with bella and edward you have to keep reading. Or just skip straight to the fourth book…..There’s plenty of getting it on there. Not near graphic enough for my tastes but they do imply that it’s pretty er… rough. Bruises and all.

  18. this is the first post of yours that I’ve read and I must say I’m disturbed and will definitely be looking at the movie in a whole new way when see it tomorrow night…

  19. So, if he were to feast on day one, that would be it, right? No week long bleeding? He could just get it all in one fell swoop? Bring on the vampire. Seriously.

    And I love that I laughed outloud. To myself and my cats. This is why I love you.

  20. Ya! Really though, Bella is a complete moron and drives me absolutely crazy. I onlly read the books in small doses now. I’m almost to the end of the THIRD book and there is STILL no fucking… only slight little bits of TALKING about fucking…pshh, still waiting…oh and Bella is an annoying, whiny, idiot. Did I say that already?

  21. im well into the book now and agree– i could use a little more action that mere cheekbone brushing that seems to be edward’s MO. give us a little action, for christ’s sake!

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