Hi Chris! This is your Thanksgiving present.
So Crissy finished Twilight in about 5 hours because it’s a simple read and it flows along rather quickly and besides. All that happens is Edward and Bella are in serious puppy love and they can’t hook up because Edward thinks his super vampire powers will hurt Bella if he gets a hard on and gets carried away.
My, my, my, isn’t someone full of himself?
Never in Crissy’s life has she been turned down for sex because the dude was afraid that his wank would go right through the back of her throat and come out the other side whilst Crissy was doing the sucky-sucky.
But then again, Crissy has never sucked off a vampire.
Not that she’s aware of at least.
There was the one guy who was rather pale and liked to bite Crissy’s earlobes which Crissy found absolutely repulsive. And he did show up wearing a cape one time but Crissy is pretty sure he was just a fucking freak and not a vampire.
And for the record Crissy did not give freak boy the sucky-sucky. The dating ended promptly after the cape incident. There was never even a kiss other than the weird earlobe thing he did to her.
So anyways, Crissy’s theory on whole Edward phenomena is that he is totally, infinitely fuckable because he will not fuck. He’ll kiss, but not too much, he’ll caress and snuggle but never goes beyond that.
The boy is a pussy tease and that makes him irresistible.
There’s no better way to get a girl to want you than to refuse to fuck her. But you have to be careful because she will eventually give up on you because dick is really, really easy to come by.
What Crissy wants to know is what happens when Bella gets her period? Does Edward get his red wings? It’s chunky style, but it’s still Bella’s blood, right?
Crissy thinks that if Edward would just be there for Bella once a month everyone would win. Edward gets to feed on her blood and Bella gets to get off.
But really Crissy doesn’t care very much about Bella because the girl is a bloody moron.
No pun intended.
Actually it was. Sue Crissy.
And Crissy has soooo much to say about this book but it started to turn into a feminist rant about rescue fantasies, Disney princesses, and poisonous fairy tales and while the little girl inside of Crissy is madly in love with Edward, the grown woman who wrote her master’s thesis on anyone? anyone? Postfeminism knows better than to fall for the rash of bullshit that is Twilight. Crissy wants to rip this book from every teenage girl’s hand and beat her with it.
In the end, Crissy would prefer to read a vampire story about a grown up woman instead of one about a stupid, silly little girl.
And Crissy would like to read about fucking.
Where is the fucking?
Bring her the fucking.