This Ain’t From Tiffany’s!!!

So Crissy is sorry she kept Taco a secret from the Queefs but she thought it was probably for the best because when you have a blog that is supposed to be all floofy and just like love in your mouth like a fluffernutter sandwich and you make an announcement about your baby dying in your uterus it tends to be a downer.

It could still happen but it’s less likely now so Crissy thought it was safe to tell. Some of you already knew but most of you did not. The Inner Circle Queefs did a lovely job of keeping a secret for these past few months.

Also, Crissy has been sick to death with 24 hour nausea and blowing chunks and not being able to eat and thought she might be tempted to complain about being sick instead of bringing on the funny.

Ain’t no other lady can put it down like Crissy you know.

She brings the funny.

Anyhooter, Mister and Crissy and Girlfriend all went to the Taco Doctor on Tuesday and we heard Taco’s little heart and Crissy had to be violated as is customary for visits to the Taco Doctor and it’s just so much fun to do anyway never mind having it done while your three year old screams holy fucking murder because the doctor is touching mommy’s va-ji-na.

And if you don’t know already, Crissy’s Taco Doctor has the most lovely little hand knitted stirrup cozies that are just such a nice touch. He also has cinnamon scented plug ins because not everyone cleans the ol’ tuna wookie before going to see him.

It seems strange at first but you Queefs have to realize that the man needs something to make his job more pleasant or else you’ll see Mike Rowe in his office with a camera crew and a miner’s helmet.

Then on Tuesday night Crissy was just going to Bedfordshire when Mister said “I have a present for you.”

“Ooooo! Is it brownies?”

“Nope. It’s better.”

“What is it?”

“Close your eyes and put your hand out.”

And so Crissy did and she felt something cold and heavy and metallic in her hand which instantly made her think it must be jewelry and when she opened her eyes it was this:

_MG_0721-15

HE TOOK A FUCKING SPECULUM FROM THE TACO DOCTOR!!!!

Crissy was in such shock that she tossed the thing like a hot potato (or like a cold speculum) out of her hands and it went flying, clocking poor sleeping Alice in the head and sending her scurrying under the bed and Crissy scrambled to the head of the bed and clung to it for protection.

Crissy should have known better.

Mister is not so great in the gift giving department.

Clearly.

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47 comments

  1. Wait, didn’t the Mister give you Girlfriend? Or am I mistaken – was that Mike Rowe? And if the Mister did give you Girlfriend, maybe he’s also going to give you a Boyfriend. Or another Girlfriend. And I think those are the best gifts of all. CONGRATULATIONS!!!

  2. I’d take Mike Rowe, dirty fingernails and all. Because that man is an 11.7 on the hotness scale (which only goes to 10).

    PLUS, I couldn’t see the picture yesterday (darn work filter) so I totally just thought I missed out on a video of you making skillet tacos for dinner.

  3. My hubby tells me he’s done buying me jewelry because he bought me an engagement ring 4 years ago and that should be good forever. Perhaps now, I shouldn’t be upset, lest he bring home a used nasty cold mean painful speculum.

    And Saratogajean? I had to wait to get home to see it too and totally thought it was a failed attempt at dinner or something!! LOL

  4. HAHAHAHA!!! I actually laughed out loud at the end of this post. Which is awkward… because I’m at work. If I get fired for blog-reading on company time, I expect you to donate to the “Keep Tova Darling from becoming homeless” fund.

  5. the speculum is stainless steel and is just as sterile as the ones at the doctor’s office. they’re all “used” too. 😉

    _MG_0715-9 (by ride5000kag)

    and if they’re painful, you’re using them wrong.

    i’m starting a movement to bring the speculum out of the OB/GYN’s office and back to the bedroom, where it belongs.

  6. Neth- YOU NEED TO HAVE A SPECULUM INSERTED INTO YOU BEFORE YOU GET TO SAY WHETHER OR NOT THEY’RE PAINFUL. BECAUSE THEY ARE!!!I want no part of that fucking thing.

  7. I take it Girlfriend will be teaching Taco a great many glorious new things once Taco comes out. Should be fun.

    Mister should probably not buy you anymore gifts.

  8. That…no…I…oh…no.

    Ken, you just can’t…because it’s cold…and it gives the cramps…and…just…no.

    Also, who doesn’t clean their hoo ha before visiting the lady doctor?

  9. Ok, that is by far the funniest shit I have ever read!

    A speculum?!

    You’ve got to give it to him. You will never, ever forget this gift! So…what do you plan to “get” for him in return??

  10. Well, Crissy, now that you have one you do have a chance to use it on him. See how much he likes it.

    And Mr. what’s up with that? Did you just pocket the thing while the doctor was working on her? My goodness, no wonder doctors charge so much, have to do what WallyWorld does and make up for the shoplifters and cart thiefs.

  11. Oh, I don’t think he intends to use it vaginally. I think Dingo is right. He wants to make Ass Smoothies. Of course, he could have gotten you an anal speculum, but probably not for free.

    I’ve seen some footage. Ass smoothies do not hurt and they look delish.

    This may be the most romantic gift ever. Aside from full-blown vagi-cam and colon-cam setups, I mean. But this even beats a rubber fisting mitten.

    I’m also impressed with Pimp’s thievery skills. You know that Doctor Obi Gin is right now saying, “Did I leave a speculum in a patient again?”

    Bravo to Crissy’s Pimp. I hope there will be pictures, including internal shots.

  12. Congrats! I didn’t get to see your video until today! I love that you are calling it Taco. 🙂 And WTF is up w/ Mister? Stealing a speculum? Really? Who would want one of those around? He may frighten me just a bit for doing that.

  13. WTF? i don’t even know where to start because i had a few comments, but now i’m just floored by the speculum. give me a minute to gather my composure

    ahem….ok, butter, i mean better, uhhh, still not right

    ok, first, congrats on being preggers, sorry you’re all pukey, it ain’t fun. ginger ale & crackers worked for me.
    Taco doctor – HAHAHAHAHA! good stuff! i’ll have to remember one!
    my mom used to work at a planned parenthood, she told me one time someone’s hoo-ha was so bad, the entire office reeked of well, bad hoo-ha! talk about having a bad day at work! heehee!

  14. What would possess you to steal a speculum? Really, you’re right, it’s painful and no fun could ever come from it. Also, I’m with Matt. How do you get in the inner circle? Is there hazing involved?

  15. Congratulations on the Taco and the speculum! My wife and I are expecting as well!

    A Taco…er baby, not a speculum. If I ever came home with one of those she would try and insert it into me. And it would be in a much smaller hole.

  16. When you threw it you should have aimed for his head. And thrown it really hard.
    Why??
    I mean really… Just WHY??

    And congrats on the taco! I was wondering what became of the baby makin’ or nnot discussion….

  17. Well, at least now we know where Girlfriend gets her shoplifting techniques! Will there be a Barbie re-enactment of explaining to Girlfriend what a speculum is?

  18. You want him to understand why you freaked out?

    Bring him a hand to have cupped on his balls at all times and then tell him to turn and cough.

    Make sure the hand is cold though.

  19. I’ve got a one word response for Mister.

    Catheter.

    Congrats on Taco. I think you should really go with the spelling Tahko. That aspirated “h” lends class, don’t you think?

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