Remember how the other day Crissy told you the story about how mall security caught her shoplifting a vibrator and a jar of peach flavored Body Butter from Spencer’s? And how Crissy took the stuff because she was too embarrassed to buy it and found it was far less humiliating to get caught by security, be strip searched by a same sex oriented security thing and then have them call her parents and tell them what they found in her purse?
Well Crissy had made shoplifting a bit of a hobby way back in the day and she never took anything big but just little stuff like thongs and lipsticks and one time an aquamarine and diamond ring and stuff like that. It’s very hard to be a suburban teenager with a new sports car and nothing better to do but go to the mall with only the pittance you get from babysitting for little Sarah and Timmy Martin on Fridays.
Crissy’s needs were far too great to live within the confines of the sad and sorry $20 per week she had in her pocketbook. And that $20 was supposed to cover gas money too!
And Crissy was very good at stealing stuff and in fact it wasn’t really her that was caught stealing at all but her stupid ham fisted friends. She got lumped in with the amatures. So. Not. Fair.
Crissy still does it sometimes because it’s important to keep your hand in.
Plus it’s really fun to stick it to the man.
Anywho, the reason why Crissy is telling you this is that she has noticed that Girlfriend is quite the little thief.
A couple of weeks ago while at the grocery store Girlfriend was begging Crissy to buy her a pack of gum. Crissy said “No. Mommy has plenty of gum in her purse.” And then Girlfriend goes “Awwwww…but Moooommmyyyy!” And then Crissy is all “Forget it.” And then Girlfriend got quiet and Crissy watched out of the corner of her eye whilst dicking around with the motherfuckingselfcheckoutmachine as Girlfriend took the gum and wrapped it in her shirt.
When Crissy was done scribbling Fuck off and Die on the credit card signature pad, a thing Crissy has taken to doing quite regularly now, she turned to Girlfriend and said “what’s in your shirt?” “Nothing mom” says Girlfriend as she nonchalantly studies the ceiling. “You’re busted lady. Put the gum back.” And she did.
And Crissy found a pair of barrettes in the bottom of the washer that she’s never seen before and when she asked Girlfriend about them she said they were a “gift from the teacher.” Uh huh. There’s also a Tony the Tiger pedometer that seems to have come from “nowhere” too.
Mister decided to have a bit of a sit down with her and asked her how she’d feel if someone took her stuff and do you know what she said Queefs?
“I’m not stupid. I keep my stuff with me daddy.”