The Apple Doth Not Falleth Fareth From The Tree-eth

Remember how the other day Crissy told you the story about how mall security caught her shoplifting a vibrator and a jar of peach flavored Body Butter from Spencer’s? And how Crissy took the stuff because she was too embarrassed to buy it and found it was far less humiliating to get caught by security, be strip searched by a same sex oriented security thing and then have them call her parents and tell them what they found in her purse?


Well Crissy had made shoplifting a bit of a hobby way back in the day and she never took anything big but just little stuff like thongs and lipsticks and one time an aquamarine and diamond ring and stuff like that. It’s very hard to be a suburban teenager with a new sports car and nothing better to do but go to the mall with only the pittance you get from babysitting for little Sarah and Timmy Martin on Fridays.

Crissy’s needs were far too great to live within the confines of the sad and sorry $20 per week she had in her pocketbook. And that $20 was supposed to cover gas money too!


And Crissy was very good at stealing stuff and in fact it wasn’t really her that was caught stealing at all but her stupid ham fisted friends. She got lumped in with the amatures. So. Not. Fair.

Crissy still does it sometimes because it’s important to keep your hand in.

Plus it’s really fun to stick it to the man.

Anywho, the reason why Crissy is telling you this is that she has noticed that Girlfriend is quite the little thief.

A couple of weeks ago while at the grocery store Girlfriend was begging Crissy to buy her a pack of gum. Crissy said “No. Mommy has plenty of gum in her purse.” And then Girlfriend goes “Awwwww…but Moooommmyyyy!” And then Crissy is all “Forget it.” And then Girlfriend got quiet and Crissy watched out of the corner of her eye whilst dicking around with the motherfuckingselfcheckoutmachine as Girlfriend took the gum and wrapped it in her shirt.

When Crissy was done scribbling Fuck off and Die on the credit card signature pad, a thing Crissy has taken to doing quite regularly now, she turned to Girlfriend and said “what’s in your shirt?” “Nothing mom” says Girlfriend as she nonchalantly studies the ceiling. “You’re busted lady. Put the gum back.” And she did.

And Crissy found a pair of barrettes in the bottom of the washer that she’s never seen before and when she asked Girlfriend about them she said they were a “gift from the teacher.” Uh huh. There’s also a Tony the Tiger pedometer that seems to have come from “nowhere” too.

Mister decided to have a bit of a sit down with her and asked her how she’d feel if someone took her stuff and do you know what she said Queefs?

“I’m not stupid. I keep my stuff with me daddy.”

We’re fucked.

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  1. When Daisee was a wee little girl, she asked her Mommy to buy her this fancy new gum with goo in the middle. Daisee thought it so cool that when the people in the commercial chomped down on the gum, goo squirted out and it was like a little surprise. But of course, Daisee is one of five kids and money doesn’t grow on trees. But Daisee showed her Mommy – she stole that gum right out of the grocery store. Then hid it and chewed the pieces all secretly. And when her brothers asked where she got the gum and could they have some, Daisee said NO, she got it from a friend and only had the one piece.

    So I was a thief and a liar. I’m pretty sure that sealed my fate and sent me on my current path to the fiery eternal resting place.

  2. I want to know if Mister was wearing pants when he had his little sit down with Girlfriend.

    And just so you know? If the signature on the credit card machine doesn’t match the one on your card? You can refute the claim.

    Just a little more stealing advice.

  3. it’s getting a little colder, k8, so i’ve been wearing pants more reliably lately.

    to my recollection, the convo went like this:

    me: (after determining the teacher did NOT give them to her) so where did you get those barrettes?

    gf: they weren’t anybody’s.

    me: they were somebody’s. they probably just got up for a minute and left them behind. how would you feel if you had thomas at school (thomas the tank engine, her most beloved toy) and when you got up to go to the bathroom you left him behind and someone thought thomas wasn’t anybody’s and took him?

    gf: (never taking eyes off TV in the background) that’s stupid–i take thomas with me.

    me: (speechless, i concede the point)

    btw, has anyone else noticed the google ads for this post —–>


  4. I used to steal my mom’s roommates’ kids’ toys. One time, I even took Tommy’s Millenium Falcon and brought it to school for show and tell.

    I also told everyone my uncle was Paul McCartney, but whatever.

  5. Once when I was little I stole a strawberry shortcake notebook. My mom found it when we got home and made me go w/ her back to the store and turn it in to the sales person. I never stole again b/c that was too embarassing, at least not when my mom was around.

  6. My teenage thieving skills were legendary. I was so good I could stuff a beltful of Twix bars and porn magazines without even my friends realizing.

    I admire Girlfriend’s skills.

  7. I love Girlfriend. I can teach her some tricks whenever I meet her, like basic sleight-of-hand and misdirection so that you can steal right in front of cameras and how to find and remove security tags from merchandise.

    Also, even the worst shoplifting buddies can come in handy. For instance, when you rip the Knogo tag off of something, you pass it off to your friend who then leaves the store before you and triggers the alarm. While the rent-a-cops are busy searching her or him, you slip out unnoticed. Of course, he or she hasn’t actually stolen anything, so you both make a clean getaway.

    Did I mention that every now and then I go to the supermarket and eat an entire meal while I’m there? That’s fun, too.

  8. Being the owner of two teenagers and having spent more than one day in court in 2008 alone, I must admit: you are fucked. You’d be well advised to become friendly with the local 5-0.

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