Hey Joe! Is That A Pussy in Your Pocket?


*Rachel this post is not okay to read in your classroom today. Go home immediately and read it there.

Earlier in the week Crissy shared with you her concern about the vibrating condom because really?

But you see Queefs the problem is that Crissy and Mister have been together for 13 years and although Mister is a total perv as you all know too well there are things Crissy has no idea even exist.

It’s not that Crissy is Prudence McPrude, Mayoress of Prudytown like Mister says she is. It’s just that Crissy is busy thinking of other stuff.

Crissy has always sort of lived under a rock. Like in Jr. High her first locker had “I want every girl in the school to swallow my cum” written on the inside of it. And Crissy did not know what that meant. She thought the person had really meant to write “gum” instead of “cum” and she thought he must be the stupidest boy alive because ABC gum is just germy and gross. “Why would he want the girls to do that?” Crissy wondered.

It wasn’t until 9th grade that Crissy found out what cum was.

Things started making a whole lot more sense after that.

So the other night when Mister used the term Fleshlight Crissy was not surprised that she didn’t know what it was.

Stoogie and Mister of course know what it is, but do any of you other Queefs know?

It’s this:

and you put your peenie in there and as far as Crissy can imagine you do the hokey pokey and you shake it all about. And it comes in a variety of orifice styles that make Crissy giggle a little bit.

We have the Original Lady, Original Stealth, Super Tight Mini Maid, Original Mouth, and of course how could we not have The Butt.

And for the boys who like the boys we have the Fleshjack which also comes in a variety of styles for the discerning male such as the The Jackass, The Endurance Jack, and The Ice Jackass (Crissy is guessing it’s called “ice” because it’s clear. Either that or you put it in the freezer so you can freeze your dick off. Must be for Necrophiliacs.)

Now Crissy is not totally sheltered because she does know what a pocket pussy is

Hahahahahahahahahaha!!

That’s the wrong picture. Crissy is so funny.

But what Crissy wants to know is how does one clean these things when one is, ahem, finished with them?

That stuff can be kind of stubborn to remove under the best of circumstances and well Crissy is just concerned with the hygenicness of the thing is all.

Nobody likes to get The Crotch Rot.

Especially not from their own toys.

That’s just sad.

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34 comments

  1. So, I guess I’m the mayoress of Prudytown? I didn’t know such things existed……wow. My horsey tail was the extent of my toy ‘knowledge’……what is the purple thing with the gel all hanging out? It’s to keep in your POCKET? GAH!!!

    Help me out here, Crissy!! I’m not sure what all is OUT there….and what people DO with it……

  2. Has Crissy never been to, say, a Tasteful Treasures party? These are very educational and also potentially embarrassing if not everyone is drinking enough wine. I recommend it heartily.

  3. Okay, I can’t seem to figure out how to email this to you, so I’ll use up comment space 🙂 I saw this today and it’s appropriate for your blog – more on the strap-on days than the vibrating condom and pocket pussy days, but still, I thought of you.

    A survey asked women:
    “What would you do if you woke up and had a penis?”

    Here are their actual responses…

    “I would walk around and prod my husband all night long with it, whatever he is doing I’ll be there prodding him with it.”
    “I would write my name in the snow.”
    “I would go into my boss’ office and lay it on his desk and say: ‘Where is my raise?'”
    “I would find my ex-boyfriend, go to bed with him and tell him to roll over and try something new.”
    “I would want a big one and show it off to everyone.”
    “I could grab myself in public and not be embarrassed.”
    “I would not lift the lid on the toilet seat while peeing.”
    “I would measure it both ways.”
    “Pee off of a tall building.”
    “I would speed to the hospital and have it surgically removed.”
    “I would treat women better with it.”
    “I would love him, and squeeze him, and play with it all day.”
    “Demonstrate to my husband and my two sons that it is possible to hit the water and not pee all over everything.”
    “Pin my husband down and slap him in the face with it.”
    “I would play with it and then make him roll over into the wet spot.”
    “Go to an adult store and try out all kinds of stimulants to see what was the best.”
    “Stand up and jump up and down and watch it swing all around.”
    “See how many donuts I could carry with it.”
    “Check out my boyfriends gag reflexes!”

  4. Um. I guess you could call me Prudence McPrudenstein. I had NO idea any of this crap was out there! As far as how to clean them, I can’t help you there, have you ever tried to get that shit out of your hair? Ew.

  5. Shelly- Great news! You get to be my bff stalker!! You and Stoogie. We’ll show you all the stuff and how it works.

    Ben- It doesn’t make sense to pull out of the thing so there must be a way to clean it. A simple water rinse doesn’t seem like enough to me.

    Daisee- THAT. WAS. AWESOME. Thanks!

    Bethie- We have Athena parties. And we do Jello shots. They’re so fun!!!

    Lynn-e- That’s because you skipped the last Athena party.

  6. I don’t know why you’d mess around with the other ones when you can have Super Tight Mini Maid. It’s the best of both worlds: a maid (for your imagination) and it’s tight (for your.. well… you know).

  7. Why would you ever clean it?

    Okay, some of them disassemble so you can clean them. Because, yes, old, crusty cum can be nasty after a few days, as some of my former girlfriends have amply demonstrated. The pockey pussies that don’t disassemble you just squish around in soapy water and hope for the best, but you can use your dick to force the water all the way through the pocket cervix until your dickhead hits the pocket uterus. But you don’t want to do it too hard or you can hurt the poor pocket pussy. Same with your pocket ass or pocket mouth.

    But this whole cleaning issue is why pocket pussies are inferior to uncooked, warm meat. If you wrap your dick around meat to jerk off, when you are done you just add some red wine, throw it in the fridge for a day, and serve it to your friends. When they ask why you would cut a hole in the middle of a perfectly good filet mignon, you tell them it’s an old family secret.

  8. saratogajean- And our stuff has cute names like Rabbit and Dolphin and stuff not Super Jack Off Ice Thing.

    Matt- We want the full report.

    Deutlich- Right?

    Chris- It does seem like the clear choice.

    Stoogie- And THAT my friend is exactly why we won’t be having dinner at your house. Or if we do, I will do the cooking.

  9. My toys clean up very well thankyouverymuch.

    And I really don’t want to imagine Gay Boyfriend with crotchrot, or assrot if you will, toys in his room. Makes me never ever ever want to go in there.

  10. I appreciate all the love from that survey, but I can’t take credit for it – I found it elsewhere. But I can take credit for laughing so hard I almost peed and then posting it here so you all can pee a little too!

    And even though I’ll probably never meet any of you in real life, I’m totally not having dinner at Stoogepie’s any time soon. That is why I really don’t like red meat. LOL

  11. I have never heard of these either!! Never! I was a sad geek at school that had no idea what people were talking about when they said that Kenneth C****s has brought a condom in!

    I was like ‘ a what?!’ I thought it was some kind of machine!

    I was 11….

    So imagine my surprise at the mere age of *cough* 21 *cough* to see that these exist in the world!!

    My first word was EW!!!!!!!!

  12. Now i have Aerosmith’s song “Toys in the Attic” stuck in my head.

    Hmmmm . . . i think Kroger’s had filet mignon on sale . . .

  13. It’s fleshlight, it’s fleshlight, for fun it’s a wonderful toy.
    It’s fleshlight, it’s fleshlight, it’s fun for a girl and a boy.

    Oh wait, I think that jingle might have been for something else.

  14. I found your blog a couple of weeks ago and just finished reading all of them (If thats creepy, so sorry but you’re hilarious:-)

    You say everything we all want to say but don’t have the giant balls you do!

    Thanks for the laughs, Ill keep comin back!

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