Crissy is sorry Queefs.
She forgot to tell you she wasn’t going to post on Tuesday so she’ll tell you now.
Crissy isn’t going to post yesterday.
Even the QOFE has to take a day off once in a while so she can go to the Saver’s 50% off sale and elbow stupid cows who invade her space and try to take all the good 3T-4T stuff before Crissy can see it.
Crissy wasn’t having any of that shit.
Crissy likes her personal space and when people invade it it gives Crissy the heebie-jeebies and she gets elbowy and she makes this face:
And part of this is because Crissy has been stalked 3 times in her life?
The first time was when Crissy was a freshman at college and she worked at a panty store called Cacique before it became a plus size panty store like it is now and it was attached to The Limited and this guy who looked exactly like the husband from Sleeping With the Enemy:
used to lurk around the corners and stare at Crissy and then when Crissy left work late at night he would wait for her in the parking lot and then follow her home. And Crissy saw his car at school too. And parked on her street. It took poor stupid Crissy a while to figure it out and tell her parents who called the po-lice and took care of that sick fucker.
And then the next sick fucker followed Crissy at college and then when Crissy was alone he ran up into her and grabbed her and threatened to rape her. Crissy knew he was there and that she was on her own and had her hand around her can of Mace that her mother insisted she keep in her pocket and after he grabbed her she got free and sprayed him.
Too bad Crissy missed and got his collar instead and he just laughed at her and that was her chance to RUN LIKE THE WIND, uphill in gray flannel mary janes and a miniskirt, carrying a half eaten apple, a laptop, and 30lbs of books in her backpack.
Nobody tells you that Mace is impossible to aim and when Crissy told the story to the police about how she missed with the Mace they had a field day with it and by the end of the day it got around to all of the little piggies and the story morphed into “stupid girl at Providence College Maces herself.”
And she did. not.
They caught that fucker peeking through the curtains of a nearby house he broke into to hide in.
When hiding from the po-po you DON’T PEEK OUT AT THEM!!!
And the third incident involves an ex boyfriend who couldn’t understand why Crissy dumped him and so he followed her everywhere and Crissy did some of the fanciest driving ever to escape him and when he finally got frustrated he found her car at work and egged it.
What was Crissy thinking breaking up with him?
Ahhh…the ones we let slip away…
And then there was this other time that Crissy isn’t sure counts as stalking per se. It involves mall security and a question as to whether or not Crissy shoplifted a vibrator and a jar of peach flavored Body Butter from Spencer’s.
Crissy was too embarrassed to buy the stuff so it was far less humiliating to get caught by security, be strip searched by a same sex oriented security officerina and then have them call her parents and tell them what they found in her purse.
All this stalking has made Crissy very paranoid about being stalked again so she thinks she’s just going to start accepting applications for a new stalker. The way Crissy sees it, you can only be stalked by one person at a time (paparazzi doesn’t count) and so if Crissy chooses who is stalking her then she can’t get some creepy fat guy who lives in his mom’s basement. She can pick someone hot and sexy instead of sad and pathetic and scary.
Stoogie volunteered but he’s nowhere to be seen. Either he hasn’t shown up for the job or he’s the Best Stalker Ever because if he is stalking Crissy, she has no idea.
Anyone else want the job? It pays nothing but you get to see Crissy in her underpanties sometimes.