Now Accepting Applications For: The Best Stalker Ever

Crissy is sorry Queefs.

She forgot to tell you she wasn’t going to post on Tuesday so she’ll tell you now.

Crissy isn’t going to post yesterday.

Even the QOFE has to take a day off once in a while so she can go to the Saver’s 50% off sale and elbow stupid cows who invade her space and try to take all the good 3T-4T stuff before Crissy can see it.

Crissy wasn’t having any of that shit.

Crissy likes her personal space and when people invade it it gives Crissy the heebie-jeebies and she gets elbowy and she makes this face:


And part of this is because Crissy has been stalked 3 times in her life?


Three times.

The first time was when Crissy was a freshman at college and she worked at a panty store called Cacique before it became a plus size panty store like it is now and it was attached to The Limited and this guy who looked exactly like the husband from Sleeping With the Enemy:

used to lurk around the corners and stare at Crissy and then when Crissy left work late at night he would wait for her in the parking lot and then follow her home. And Crissy saw his car at school too. And parked on her street. It took poor stupid Crissy a while to figure it out and tell her parents who called the po-lice and took care of that sick fucker.

And then the next sick fucker followed Crissy at college and then when Crissy was alone he ran up into her and grabbed her and threatened to rape her. Crissy knew he was there and that she was on her own and had her hand around her can of Mace that her mother insisted she keep in her pocket and after he grabbed her she got free and sprayed him.

Too bad Crissy missed and got his collar instead and he just laughed at her and that was her chance to RUN LIKE THE WIND, uphill in gray flannel mary janes and a miniskirt, carrying a half eaten apple, a laptop, and 30lbs of books in her backpack.

Nobody tells you that Mace is impossible to aim and when Crissy told the story to the police about how she missed with the Mace they had a field day with it and by the end of the day it got around to all of the little piggies and the story morphed into “stupid girl at Providence College Maces herself.”

And she did. not.

They caught that fucker peeking through the curtains of a nearby house he broke into to hide in.


When hiding from the po-po you DON’T PEEK OUT AT THEM!!!

And the third incident involves an ex boyfriend who couldn’t understand why Crissy dumped him and so he followed her everywhere and Crissy did some of the fanciest driving ever to escape him and when he finally got frustrated he found her car at work and egged it.

What was Crissy thinking breaking up with him?

Ahhh…the ones we let slip away…

And then there was this other time that Crissy isn’t sure counts as stalking per se. It involves mall security and a question as to whether or not Crissy shoplifted a vibrator and a jar of peach flavored Body Butter from Spencer’s.


Crissy was too embarrassed to buy the stuff so it was far less humiliating to get caught by security, be strip searched by a same sex oriented security officerina and then have them call her parents and tell them what they found in her purse.

Much. better.


All this stalking has made Crissy very paranoid about being stalked again so she thinks she’s just going to start accepting applications for a new stalker. The way Crissy sees it, you can only be stalked by one person at a time (paparazzi doesn’t count) and so if Crissy chooses who is stalking her then she can’t get some creepy fat guy who lives in his mom’s basement. She can pick someone hot and sexy instead of sad and pathetic and scary.

Stoogie volunteered but he’s nowhere to be seen. Either he hasn’t shown up for the job or he’s the Best Stalker Ever because if he is stalking Crissy, she has no idea.

Anyone else want the job? It pays nothing but you get to see Crissy in her underpanties sometimes.

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  1. Uhhhh……I’ll apply–only I don’t care about the undies….I just want to wait breathlessly for your calls, so we can TALK for hours, and get drinks, and shop (deep breath) and do all the things BFF’s DO!! We can compare notes about our husbands, and laugh ALOT, and talk about books, tv shows and our kids. We can laugh at the ‘OTHER’ moms who treat us like stupid idiots, and the HO Bags that throw themselves at my boys.

    My extensive stalker-ish experience goes all the way back to Kindergarten when I used to walk to school with 2 sisters. I wanted to be the older sister’s friend, but she wasn’t interested. One day, I walked up to their house and saw a girl that I THOUGHT was the older sister…and ran after her screaming “MICHELLE…..MMMIIIIICCCHHHHEEEELLLLLEEEEE”, because I thought she may have left me to walk by myself.

    And, this experience CONTINUES (being the QUEEF material I am) with the following year, wearing one of the pairs of fake patent leather GO-GO boots I had (one red and one white, I believe), I stopped at a house with a blue star in the window (a safe house), because my FEET hurt. It’s a bitch to be stylish when you are 7. The nice lady had to call in a police report as she did for ALL emergency visits to her safe house. yeah…..that’s how I roll.

    Therefore, I think I’m most qualified to stalk you—in a BFF sort of way, not an undies sort of way.

    I have a home number, a work number a cell number my husband’s cell number and SEVERAL e-mail addresses that I recently set up to enter some STOOGIE contest…… I have ample opportunity for you to reach me and we can start right away being friends!!!!!

  2. That Sleeping with the Enemy husband is the creepiest fucker EVER. And I say that not because I know the actor, because I don’t, but because he looks exactly like my former almost stepfather who did some horrible things to my family. I think the evil manifests in the mustache.

  3. Please accept my application for Stalking Ms. Crissy. I’m not sure I would be a great stalker but people usually tell me I am “cute” and “adorable.”

    And I must say, I’m glad those stalkers didn’t hurt you in the end. Some men can be nasty and horrible.

  4. Has that actor ever been in anything since that movie? Seriously, he played “The scariest man on earth” role so well that I think he couldn’t get any work afterwards. He’d go in for an audition and the ladies in the room would start screaming, pepper spraying him and kicking him the balls repeatedly…..

  5. I don’t like strangers ever. At all. I think that’s why I have such a hard time dating. I think everyone’s out to get me. Hello? Psycho weirdo? Hahahaha!

    And I don’t want to stalk you, but if he’s hot, I’ll stalk him stalking you. How’s that?

  6. oof- that sleeping with the enemy dude is a wicked creepy mccreeperson. im sorry a look a like was on your grill. yuck. and the mace story- something that would happen to me.

  7. I’ll stalk you Crissy! I’m a good stalker. I used to stalk boys at recess during school. I’d follow them around with 3 or 4 of my girlfriends and say things like “oooh, you’re eyes are so pretty” and “wow… i love you…”

  8. My sister is the BEST STALKER EVER. However her stalker second life backfired when her daughter’s kindergarten teacher ended up being one of her former stalker-fixation’s mother.


    “Hi, remember me from when I used to drive past your house 4 to 5 times a day hoping to catch a glimpse of your son? Well, here’s my daughter, hope you can teach her some stuff. She’s already really good at remembering license plate numbers.”

  9. This is just plain creepy. Eiwww. I’m entirely too nice to be a stalker. Plus, I’m too friendly, too. It’d be way too hard to control myself to hold back from introducing myself to you and becoming your BFF.

  10. I just found this blog today…It’s awesome

    I too am a magnet for the crazies…If you’re a girl and should be locked up in Bellevue, you are going to LOVE me…

    Good luck with getting a good one…

  11. Hi, my name is Daisee, and I’m a stalker. I readily and freely admit I’m way too good at hunting down people and stalking them. When my now husband and I broke up once, I stalked him – doing the drive-by at his house, walking my dog in his neighborhood. LOL You live too far away for me to stalk in real life, but I could cyber-stalk you, I suppose!

    After reading this, I immediately thought of a thing to share with you (I’m nice like that – I share well with others). Once, in my first year of law school in a land far, far away, a guy (a classmate) pushed me against a wall at a club and told me he’d fuck me so good, I’d forget all about my boyfriend (who lived 5 hours away). When he wouldn’t take no for an answer, he followed me around the club all night. Then sadly, I ended up in the same car with him and our designated driver. When we dropped dude off, he’s like “are you sure you don’t want to come in with me?” When I again said no, he said, “oh okay – what’s your name again????” Pathetic asshat, please leave me alone! Just think, he’s an attorney some where now!!

  12. Hi. I used to park in front of this guy’s house in high school. He was three grades below me. I shined a flashlight in his widows. WTF.

    Long story short… I think he is some kind of drug addict now. But probably still really really good looking.

  13. If you want, I can take voyeuristic pictures of you from various windows in the house. Then I can share the secret love with the internet!

    (I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but people LOVE that peeping tom shit.)

    If you could bend over here and there so I could snag a couple of upskirt shot it’d be even better.

    Also don’t forget that this IS the information age, and people have gotten lazier, so consider including the legions of net-stalkers adding you as a friend on facebook. Kids today just don’t get off the couch and into someone’s personal space as much as they used to…

  14. Ummm…when I was breaking up with my ex of 15+ years, and getting counseling from this lovely person helping me out of that mess, my ex stalked the counselor for a few months. No problem stalking me–we were still living together & my life was not my own anyhow. But my poor counselor–Yeesh!

  15. Crissy? Um, Since I was hogging your comments earlier, I went ahead and posted alot of my qualifications on my blog for you to see, and make an informed (and CORRECT) decision about who your stalker should be.

    And another thing? I got to thinking… peeping at you in your Undies? Why? I’VE SEEN YOU NE–KID!!!!!!!

    So my application is for a friend stalker only. Sorry…….can’t provide you with the sexual tension, but I CAN provide you with hours and hours of friend stuff!!!

    I would apprciate hearing your decision as SOON as possible.

  16. Maybe rather than a stalker, you DO need paparazzi! I mean, you are the queen and everything.

    But seriously – that’s scary, how much you’ve been through. Thank God everything was okay in the end.

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