How Funky is Your Chicken?

There Crissy was minding her own business standing at the kitchen sink shaking a martooni washing dishes when she heard Girlfriend singing to her play-dough:

“She might make you breakfast and love you in the shower.

RRRRRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTT!!!!

(that was the sound of a record scratching for those of you who don’t dj on the weekends)

She’s singing a Madonna song. All of it.

And Crissy wonders if this is a song she might be singing elsewhere.

Like at Preschool.

Crissy is wondering if she’s made a mistake by letting Girlfriend listen to grown-up music in the car but you have to understand Queefs!

Crissy hates kid music. The only album that’s listenable is The Wiggles Live Hot Potatoes.

or Sesame Street Hot! Hot! Hot!

But the rest is Pure Crap! Do you want to listen to Miss Lila’s Songs for Little Voices?

Fuck. No.

Crissy sure as shit doesn’t want to either.

But Crissy must have music in the car because it drowns out the sounds of people shouting and honking at her she likes it.

Sometimes we listen to show tunes like from The Sound of Music and Annie and Mary Poppins and A Chorus Line (Dance:10; Looks:3 is our jam) but they can get a little bit old.

Sometimes we just want to rock out and so we listen to Fergie and Cake and Madonna and Duffy and Joss Stone and Nelly Furtado and a few others that Girlfriend and Crissy have deemed mutually acceptable.

And how many Preschoolers do you know can say they learned how to spell B-a-n-a-n-a-s from Gwen Stefani?

Not many Queefs. Not many at all.

This makes Girlfriend quite the hipster.

But Crissy worries that it’s not such a great idea. Crissy thinks she might need something more appropriate for Girlfriend to listen to that won’t make Crissy puke.

And so we’re getting this from the library which will raise our coolness factor pretty much through the roof:

Just wait.

If you think Crissy and Girlfriend are cool now, wait until we get a little J-5 in the old mommy mobile.

You won’t even be able to touch us.

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52 comments

  1. You won’t even be able to touch us.

    Is this an allusion that you are going to add MC Hammer’s Can’t touch this to your repertoire? That’s a little scary but if you actually add the choreography and Hammer pants, I think we will need video.

  2. It’s ok Crissy, when my brother was little we’d make him rap to Eminiem. The unedited versions. It was funny. He even did hand motions. I wanted to put him in a rap battle, but mommy said no.

  3. Holy Crap, this cracked me up. We had a similar incident when son #2 was young. Son #1 wanted an 80’s ‘rap’ cd and it had “I like Big Butts” on it, and my then sweet and obedient child agreed that he’d ALWAYS skip over that song if we’d get him the cd. So we did. He loved that cd.

    One day son #2 who was maybe 5 or 6 was SINGING at the top of his lungs in the shower…..a habit he still has sometimes…….and we heard THIS:

    I went up to this girl
    she said “Hi, my name Sheena”
    I thought she’d be good to go with a little funk cold medina,
    she said “I’d like a drink”, I said “ok, I’ll go get it”
    and then a couple of sips, she cold licked her lips and I knew that she was
    with it
    so I took her to my crib
    and everything went well as planned
    but when she got undressed it was big old mess
    Sheena was a man

    and the last sentence? ‘Sheena was a man” he sang in the deepest 6 yr old voice he could find.

    We re-considered our ability to parent, letting our innocent angels listen to such garbage, then we thought ‘what the hell’ and were too lazy to fight it, and let it go.

    When son #2 was 16 he was shocked to learn we lifted any and all music limits….he now downloads pure rap porn from the internet. It’s gross.

    What ever happened to Prince’s ‘EROTIC CITY’ being about as bad as it got? And “do you want to touch me? THERE?” you know, innuendo…..not slits and snatches and, well, whatever else those rappers say.

    god, I’m old.

  4. I had pretty much this same problem, so I burned some cd’s of music I liked, that was also toddler appropriate. That way I didn’t have to die of embarrassment when my kids showed off their incredible knack for learning every word of a song after only hearing it once.

  5. If you think Crissy and Girlfriend are cool now, wait until we get a little J-5 in the old mommy mobile. You won’t even be able to touch us.

    Well, if that’s the case, you might want to get yourself a little dose of MC Hammer, too. Can’t Touch This!

  6. Omg, if I had a kid, they’d send her off to social services because she’d be singing indie rock lyrics and they’d think she was suicidal. And high.

  7. im on a strict michael jackson and J5 diet in preparation for the MJ cover band i’m seeing this weekend. yes, i’m that cool.

    girlfriend can learn her A B C, easy as 1 2 3. duh, J5 rocks.

  8. This shit is bananas. But I think you should let girlfriend roll with it instead of trying to limit her.

    Does the library have Eminem’s Ass Like That, because that song is practically made for preschoolers? “I ain’t never seen an ass like that. The way you move it, you make my peepee go da doing doing doing.” Now, that’s some classy shit.

  9. My students have been “Rollin’ with My Homies” and bustin’ a move to “It Takes 2”

    Because after J5, Rob Base is truly the shi-zang.

  10. I have the same problem. Diana loves the new Pink song so she runs around singing “guess I just lost my husband/I’m going to drink his rent”

    Still better then the f*cking Wonder Pets

  11. Kids are like cute little monkeys cause they do what we do cause they don’t know any better. Like open source programs, if you will. Insert some code, pull the string and watch them go. The proof? They start smoking as early as possible for no other reason than because we did. Shamefully irreversible…

    Here’s the bottom line. Making your child to listen to modern market pop like Madonna or rap is like lighting up next to your child and then blowing the smoke in their face. If you do this they will end up puffing away at cookie cutter, soul-absent pop/hip hop garbage for the rest of their lives. Really, if you want to be fair and give them a fighting chance, expose them to some timeless basics. Then at least they will have the option when they get older to smoke market pop or not. Trust me, pick your child up (before they’re too heavy), hold them close and slowly spin with them in your living room to, say, Waiting On A Friend by The Rolling Stones or Little Wing by Hendrix.

  12. I’m too sexy for my shirt. Too sexy for my shirt. So sexy it HURTS. Yep. From the mouths of three year olds….

    But I did it on purpose and then sent them home. Because I’m not the mommy. mwhahahaha!

  13. When my little sisters were 2 and 3, the 2 year old got mad at the 3 year old in church, looked her in the eye and said “ASSHOLE” as loud as she could. In church. My parents decided to stop swearing so much around the house. I think that lasted for about a week.

  14. When my son was just starting to talk, JD Fortune had just joined INXS, and one of their new songs was “Hot Girls”. Nothin cuter than a little boy saying “Mommy I wanna hear about Hot Girls!”

  15. When The Girl was 3 she used to sing “Pretty Fly for a White Guy”. Imagine my horror/amusement when I hear my 3 year old belting out “Give it to me, baby, Uh huh Uh huh!”
    Actually, that performance once stunned a roomful of my now ex’s gaming buddies into complete silence…

  16. Well actually, this is a learning tool. ABC, 123, Do Re Mi. All in one song?! How do you beat that? English, math and music, all clumped together–I mean, you could practically pull her out of school right now.

  17. By the way, that’s my new most favoritist Madonna song (She’s Not Me), and Ive made Christian listen to it over and over again. I bet he even knows the words..just as Girlfriend does.

  18. you should check out http://www.mothergooserocks.com

    a friend of mine has it and she says its a lifesaver. i guess it’s nursery rhymes set to the music of popular songs. that way, girlfriend could be singing “three blind mice” but it would be to the tune of eminem’s “lose yourself” or something.

    and that would be hysterical.

  19. What do you think Stoogie would be like in bed? I mean would he really flip you over and tap that ass or would he caress you and tell you how beautiful you were and then flip you over and tap that ass?

    Sorry, this is all I can think about lately.

  20. When I was little my favorite song was “Like A Virgin.” I sang it all the time.

    ALL THE TIME.

    I grew up quite adjusted so I think Girlfriend will be just fine. 🙂

  21. Take away the guitars, and The Wiggles, in that illustration, eerily resemble the crew of the original Enterprise preparing to beam down.

    And I wonder — was the red-shirted guy the one who left the group and was replaced, no explanation offered?

  22. My son loves “Star Fucker” by NIN and my daughter is fond of “Song for the Dumped” by Ben Folds.

    We also allow cursing in the car, but nowhere else. All curse words have now been dubbed “car words”.

    On the bright side, every time we curse in the house we pay a dollar into the vacation jar.

    We’re saving for Paris.

  23. My little bro would run around behind us at the grocery store singing “Raise a Little Hell” when he was three. Now,at 11 years old he turns on his iPOD and belts Queen’s “Fat Bottomed Girls” or “Body Language” while walking the dog down the street.
    Nothing, however, beats him, at age 8 singing Led Zeppelin’s “The Lemon Song” (“squeeze me babe, ’till the juice runs down my leg, the way you squeeze my lemon, I’m gonna fall right out of bed”)

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