Tom Green Would Know What To Do.


Crissy was awake again last night thinking about all the things she forgot to tell Obama on the phone yesterday and also she was wondering if he would help her out with the Historic Dudes regarding her windows.

“Oh. no. She’s not going to talk about the bullshit with the windows again is she?”

Yes. She so is.

Don’t know what Crissy is talking about?

Read about it here and here and then have someone spank you very heartily for not being caught up.

Seriously people. We’re trying to run a blog here. We can’t be stopping for stragglers.

So the other day, Crissy got a call from the Historical Dudes about whether or not the Crissys will be allowed to get new windows for their house.

The answer turned out to be a big fucking “n.o.”

They will not be allowed to replace the door on the side of their house either. Crissy does not like that door but the Historical Dudes do not care. IT’S NOT EVEN ORIGINAL TO THE FUCKING HOUSE!

They’re just trying to bust Crissy’s balls.


As a result the Crissys will be forced to purchase very, very, super expensive reproductions of their antique windows. They’ll need to be fabricated on-site.

Can you see the dollars literally flying out the windows Queefs?

Weeee! There they go!


So Crissy is plotting revenge on the Historical Dudes. She’ll go along with thier little “recommendations” but once everything is signed, sealed and delivered Crissy is Going To Do Something.

We could always go along with that homoerotic statue idea we’ve discussed a million times but Crissy refuses to just let it fucking die already.


Someone even suggested we make it squirt vanilla ice cream from it’s wee-wee. Crissy thinks we should be able to rig something up.

Or maybe we should park something like this on our front porch?


Any other suggestions? The QOFE needs your help!

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  1. Are these picky fucking window pickers going to help you pay for your historically accurate windows? Maybe you can pay for it using the historically accurate price system that windows would have cost back then?

    Maybe you can shoot them dead and insist that that’s what people did when scorned back in the day.

  2. Public officials all have email addresses, right? Sign them up for all sorts of inappropriate newsletters. And then sign them up to have all kinds of catalogues sent to them at work. There’s nothing more embarrassing than getting coupons for DEPENDS at work. Heheh.

  3. I was just talking to someone recently who saw the car embellishment as a TATTOO all over some guy’s back.

    As for the window situation…yikes.

  4. I’ll take one for the team and volunteer to mow the lawn in short shorts and a belly shirt while singing Madonna songs. It worked at the last three places I lived.

  5. What would happen if you just ignored them and put in cheap windows? But that’s what you get for buying a historical house. (see, it is your fault).

    Can you paint it funny colors? (or are there rules for colors too?) Perhaps the best thing then would be an old rusty van with a horrible paint job (the one pictured might work) parked in the driveway.

  6. Narm, gay boyfriend does that every time. Madonna is the preferred mowing artist apparently. And it doesn’t scare the neighbors, in fact, they set up chairs to watch the dancing and singing. No joke.

  7. I don’t think you’re thinking big enough, Crissy.

    Think MORE rusty vans, MORE skinny dogs, and lots and lots of empty beer bottles. And hookers.


    Can Girlfriend scream out profanities at people as they walk by or is she not allowed to do that yet?

  9. I think it’s time for you to get the other members of the Liquor Cabinet together (Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, M. Mark) and sit on the front porch when the Historical Dudes come by. If they know that you are well connected, you may be able to bribe, intimidate, threaten them to leave you alone. Try yelling, “Do you know who I am? Do you have any idea who you are messing with?!”

  10. I just hope that the new windows will work well enough so that you can quickly open them to yell “Run, Bitch, RUN” at totally strangers!!!

  11. Are signs allowed on your front lawn? I’m thinking something along the lines of, “Fuck me just like the Historical Dudes did! I am selling my body to pay for historic fucking windows.”

    If you go with that plan, I think forcing you to get expensive replica windows is an awesome idea.

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