Because You Were In Suspense All Weekend and Crissy Knows It

Halloween was very fun even though Mister wouldn’t let Crissy hand out the candy.

Mister dressed up in his old Navy Officer uniform and looked very handsome indeed. Those uniforms really accentuate the bum area. Crissy does not have a picture as it is very hard for Mister to take a picture of his own ass. Trust Crissy. It was rawther special.

Crissy did not really have an outfit planned except for the fact that Mister has some sort of sick fantasy about Goth chicks and has been bugging her to dress as one for 13 years and Crissy said “fine.”


Crissy just dug through her closet and put stuff on until she thought it was quite enough. She’s not sure she quite nailed Goth Chick but she did nail something.

And Crissy had intended to stay home and pass out candy while Mister took Girlfriend to do her trick or treats but as it turns out Mister kicked Crissy off the porch and sent her and Girlfriend out with Michele and Alena because he was afraid of what happened last year.

Crissy doesn’t know if you know this but sometimes she can be a little bit fresh. Crissy gets mad when adults with sleeping NEWBORN babies in strollers come around and trick or treat. She wants to be like “sorry. Crissy is fresh out of breast milk for your baby. No candy for you! NEXT!” And it pisses Crissy off to no end when ADULTS from the city come to the suburbs WITHOUT CHILDREN OR COSTUMES and go around trick or treating begging.

Crissy is not amused.

She does not take kindly to the poor taking advantage of good natured suburbanites and last year Crissy may or may not have had one too many drinkies snicker’s bars and may or may not have said something to one of them like “what the fuck are you dressed as? A douchebag without a fucking costume? That’s brilliant. Get off my porch. No candy for you!” And Mister does not think this is the way to handle the situation.

Crissy does not understand why.

You have to be tough with these assholes or they walk all over you and take you for Dum Dums and Air Heads.


Of course.

And so Crissy knows you’ve been dying to see pictures.


Here’s Crissy with Girlfriend who was dressed as a cowgirl on a horse and Alena who was a tomato. Michele and Crissy were very proud that we had the only two little girls who weren’t dressed as princesses. We attribute it to our superior parenting.


Here’s a better shot of Girlfriend. And Crissy looks completely blown out. That was totally part of the costume. Yeah.


After they did their trick or treats the girls wanted to come home and count the candy. They dumped the stuff out on the floor and proceeded to have the same argument that anyone with a sibling remembers having on Halloween night.



Children are so precious.


Here is Michele’s husband Rich dressed as some sort of gay Hawaiian wizard. Emphasis on the G.A.Y. He played show tunes out the window of his house and stood on the front steps playing the clarinet or this horn he has in this picture. It was by far the scariest house in the hood. Parents could be seen ushering their children gingerly by without stopping. Crissy thinks Rich’s house was the best one because Rich gave her as many peanut butter cups as she wanted.


Look at this fucking guy. At least he had on a costume.


Einstein popped by for a visit which was really sweet of him. Or her. Or something.


Best homemade costumes of the night: a bag of leaves and her brother, a bag of chips.


“You STAY on the sidewalk. you DO NOT go in the street or we go home right! now! Do you understand me?”


Since when do ten year olds have boobies bigger than Crissy’s? Shut. Up. It hasn’t been since always!

And you know that boy was just dying for an excuse to wear a tiara right?

And we all had terrible colds and so were in bedfordshire by 9:30.

That’s Crissy’s Halloween story.

Tell her all about your fabulousness.

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  1. Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…..what the fuck is that last dude’s costume anyway? The masked tiara wearing cowboy superhero junky disco owner?

    I hate it.

  2. The last costume has got to be some tribute to Rasta and Audrey Hepburn, with a little Zorro and Star Wars thrown in….then again, maybe he just went as a pedophile and wanted to be cool to a variety of kids. He at least deserves props for having his crazy eyes down pat.

    My favorite part is that he’s pegging you “The Finger” every so slightly.

  3. Wow, you are a hot goth……If i’d have tried that I’d have looked like a fat witch-ish creature with makeup sliding down her face with a really scary, ‘Carrie-esque” feel to it. I’m impressed.

    Also, I’m impressed that your daughters were not princess types. You ROCK as a mom! Woo HOO!!

    Oh, and that girl with boobies? She’s really 15, and has the “what??…I’m very innocent, and would NEVER mess w/ boys” look down pat. Trust me. (whispers) THEY ARE EVERYWHERE……

  4. i love that all the adults dressed up with the kids too. and your costume looks pretty similar to mine.

    but i got one up on you, my friends dressed up as ME for halloween, ridiculous.

    btw, every time i see a pic of girlfriend she gets cuter every time.

  5. I’m so jealous you got to take pictures. We had some really awesome costumes by my house, but I was too scared to take pictures of the kids in case I was busted for child porn or stalking or something… you can never be too careful.

  6. OK, first, check our blog STAT (and please leave a ridiculous comment!)… MIL bought Elias a LADY BUG costume for Halloween. Yes, LADY BUG on a BOY! WTF is that? So we proceeded to put him in it for blackmail photos in ~12 years…. Second, yeah, beggers? Ugh, we had a few of the mom’s with tots too tired to trick or treat anymore… Ugh, Candy is $10 a G I A N T B A G at BJ’s, you’re that poor?


  7. Your costume reminds me of a goth Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz. But, you are definitely goth, so points for the Mister there!

    We were in bed by about 10:30 without any Halloween festivities to speak of. Other than eating far too much candy.

  8. I got home at seven as Gay Boyfriend was leaving and he waved out the car window and said, “Don’t bother turning on the light, I ate all the candy!”

    It made me want to punch the kitty. So I did.

  9. I had a bunch of greedy uncostumed monsters and trick-or-treating mommies. It was annoying when I’d say “Hi! Take two, okay?” And they proceeded to take about eight pieces of candy. This is why we ran out after only about 30 trick or treaters. We had FOUR BAGS OF CANDY. Okay… I did eat one bag by myself. But still! Three bags should have lasted all night.

    In other news, I was dressed as Hannah Montana and all the kiddies were like, “HANNAH!!! WE LOVE YOU! WE WATCH YOU EVERY DAY!” It warmed my heart and made me forget that the kids are all greedy little bastards.

  10. HAHA, girlfriend looked cute.

    What about those 29 year old dudes who still trick or treat.

    like sorry fucker, you aint getting any of my beer or candy for free. Get a job.

  11. nice goth, however the tights probably didn’t help the schmuckytown crotch rot scenario….

    & i can totally relate w/the 10yr old w/boobs bigger than your’s; everytime we go to my kid’s school my husband will point out a 5th grader who has bigger boobs than me. thanks hon!

  12. Michele’s husband Rich (my bff since the 1970’s!) once took an online poll that rated how gay you are. He came out 99% gay! And of all my male friends he is one of the 2 that I would be most shocked if they actually were gay!

  13. “Did the kid in that last photo just throw on every fucking piece of clothing he could find?”

    that comment actually made me LOL. i’ve tried to envision the goal he was shooting for, but i just draw a blank. i think he DID just kind of LEGO himself a costume.

    “I feel bad for that kid in the last picture. He was by himself, wasn’t he?”

    way to be a debbie downer, chris. i can’t remember if he appeared by himself or with those other two girls. outcast vs. pimp… will we ever know?

  14. Girlfriend looks so cute in her costume. I can’t stand the free loaders either. They actually bused people into the burbs in our neighborhood from the city. There was actually a group of 25 kids who ransacked us at once. F off. It’s so not our problem you live in a shitty neighborhood where they would give out crack instead of candy.

  15. Why did that boy have a tiara? WHat was he supposed to be? SO CONFUSED.

    Your costume was great and Girlfriend was ADORABLE! The cowgirl outfit was definitely a winner.

  16. We didn’t go trick or treating per se. I just took Dingo Girl for a walk and she tried to grab every bag of candy that passed us by. I’ve taught her well.

    I think the trick or treat rules should be:
    1)If your boobs no longer fit in a training bra you cannot trick or treat.
    2)If you have a mustache you can no longer trick or treat.
    3)If you look better in a pink dress and matching cardigan than I do and you are a MAN, I will kick your ass if you ring my doorbell.

    That is all.

  17. random comments

    you are a hot goth chick!…then again you would probably look hot in anything…or nothing…

    and mister looked pretty spiffy in his navy uniform…i heard he picked up some cute asian school girl….

  18. The boyfriend played sick while I played nurse.

    Unfortunetly we weren’t role playing or in any halloween costumes. He was actually (still is) sick and I was taking care of him. Fun stuff. I know.

  19. I was pleased to escort Little Hip Chick, age 4, who channeled her great granny, a MiqMaq Native American. Little Hip Chick was really mad at a lot of people, though, because they kept calling her Pocahontas. Little Hip Chick wants to know why people think Pocahontas is the only Native American woman who ever existed, Mommy (stamps little feet in frustration)!?!

    I was a giraffe, complete with ossicones, ears, tail, etc.

  20. That first picture is smoking! I mean figuratively, too.

    I totally understand the goth thing. Goth chicks are hot as long as they never say anything. You look sizzling.

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