Thanksgiving: A Retrospective

Crissy debated about whether or not to post today but she figured what the hell.
There must be some sorry and unfortunate Queefs just like Crissy out there that have to work today so Hi!! Sorry you’re at work today but don’t cry. Crissy is at work today too.

Sucks.

Anywho, for the five of you who will perhaps be around to read this, Crissy had a lovely thanksgiving and when she got on her Wii Fit this morning to weigh herself it pretty much screamed “holy fuck woman! How much did you eat yesterday??”

Apparently, Crissy’s mommy’s green bean casserole made Crissy gain 3lbs in one day. Also, Crissy had 1/2 glass of wine which she nursed all day and she is sure some of that weight is from wine bloat.

YES. IT. IS.

Crissy’s body is not used to the wine anymore and so immediately processed it into fat.

That and the casserole and the chocolate cream pie and the orange blossom pie and the pumpkin pie and the hazlenut cake.  And it did not stop her from having the same for breakfast this morning.  People are starving out there.  Who is Crissy to let a perfectly good chocolate cream pie go to waste?

She’s nobody Queefs.  Nobody.

Oy.

Crissy about had to driven to work on a flat bed this morning.

People thought Sea World was doing an exhibit at the library.

They tried to buy tickets to see the baby whale being born. They were bummed to find that it was really just Crissy getting out of her car in a puddle.

Anyway, here are some pictures:

Crissy’s dining room table:

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Crissy standing next to her dining room table.

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Crissy would like to say that she is glowing from Taco, but really she’s just thinking about the fucking pathetic 1/2 glass of wine she’s planning on having.

Crissy and her mommy and Girlfriend.

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The whole family (Mister’s mama, Mister’s sister with Girlfriend on her shoulders, Mister, duh, Crissy, duh, and Crissy’s mama), minus Mister’s dad, who had a heart attack on Wednesday and is in the hospital but he will be fine Queefs so don’t worry. Also Crissy’s dad and Crissy’s Papa were there but went home by the time this picture was taken.

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Mister got a remote control for his camera so now he can take pictures of himself.

Crissy just hopes he remembers to have his pants on.

Scratch and Sniff

There Crissy was, working at the Reference desk and reading People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive issue because she is very well educated and sophisticated and cultured and such when she came across something that horrified her and also intrigued her just a little bit.

Scratch and sniff chests. Or “itch and smell” like Girlfriend calls it.

Yes Queefs. You read that right.

Sexy Scents: what fragrances makes these guys feel their sexiest? Rub the pictures to find out!

And Crissy was bored and so she looked over her shoulder and made sure she wasn’t on candid camera or anything because that would just figure and after she stopped laughing to herself she thought “fuck it” and decided to partake in the scratch and sniff.

She felt weird smelling naked paper chestals but whatev.

She’s getting paid time and a half to do it on a Sunday.

And so we have Chase Crawford who smells like Freshly Cut Grass and Taye Diggs who smells like vanilla, chocolate, sandalwood and musk, not Crissy’s favorite but she doesn’t care if Taye Diggs was covered in cat shit.

She’d still lick him raw.

Chris Meloni who Crissy thinks was at his sexiest on Oz smells all coconutty like the beach, and Micheal Phelps smells like L’Homme by YSL which Crissy did not like in the store but on naked paper Michael Phelps it’s not half bad, and then Crissy opened her eyes as she was taking her last intoxicating, panty moistening smell of Michael and found that apparently she had been transported to some sort of aromatic wonderland where she became unaware of the gathering crowd standing in front of her.

Shit.

Busted by the pain in the ass citizens of Schmuckytown.

And then when Crissy was finished rolling on the picture of Micheal Phelps the crowd cleared Crissy showed Wil, her counterpart, her discovery and had a good chuckle and just so you know, Wil thought Chris Maloney smelled the best which surprised Crissy because she would have figured Wil for more of a Freshly Cut Grass kind of guy.

And then on Monday in the break-room someone else discovered it and the magazine got passed around from lady to lady and Crissy thinks one of them actually brought it to the bathroom for a little alone time.

But Crissy is concerned Queefs. What are we scratching and sniffing next?

Crissy shudders to think of it.

This Post is Dedicated to Crissy’s Friend Chris Who Loves Hearing About Edward

Hi Chris! This is your Thanksgiving present.

So Crissy finished Twilight in about 5 hours because it’s a simple read and it flows along rather quickly and besides. All that happens is Edward and Bella are in serious puppy love and they can’t hook up because Edward thinks his super vampire powers will hurt Bella if he gets a hard on and gets carried away.

My, my, my, isn’t someone full of himself?

Never in Crissy’s life has she been turned down for sex because the dude was afraid that his wank would go right through the back of her throat and come out the other side whilst Crissy was doing the sucky-sucky.

Neh-vah.

But then again, Crissy has never sucked off a vampire.

Not that she’s aware of at least.

There was the one guy who was rather pale and liked to bite Crissy’s earlobes which Crissy found absolutely repulsive. And he did show up wearing a cape one time but Crissy is pretty sure he was just a fucking freak and not a vampire.

And for the record Crissy did not give freak boy the sucky-sucky. The dating ended promptly after the cape incident. There was never even a kiss other than the weird earlobe thing he did to her.

So anyways, Crissy’s theory on whole Edward phenomena is that he is totally, infinitely fuckable because he will not fuck. He’ll kiss, but not too much, he’ll caress and snuggle but never goes beyond that.

The boy is a pussy tease and that makes him irresistible.

There’s no better way to get a girl to want you than to refuse to fuck her. But you have to be careful because she will eventually give up on you because dick is really, really easy to come by.

What Crissy wants to know is what happens when Bella gets her period? Does Edward get his red wings? It’s chunky style, but it’s still Bella’s blood, right?

Crissy thinks that if Edward would just be there for Bella once a month everyone would win. Edward gets to feed on her blood and Bella gets to get off.

Just saying.

But really Crissy doesn’t care very much about Bella because the girl is a bloody moron.

No pun intended.

Actually it was. Sue Crissy.

And Crissy has soooo much to say about this book but it started to turn into a feminist rant about rescue fantasies, Disney princesses, and poisonous fairy tales and while the little girl inside of Crissy is madly in love with Edward, the grown woman who wrote her master’s thesis on anyone? anyone? Postfeminism knows better than to fall for the rash of bullshit that is Twilight. Crissy wants to rip this book from every teenage girl’s hand and beat her with it.

In the end, Crissy would prefer to read a vampire story about a grown up woman instead of one about a stupid, silly little girl.

And Crissy would like to read about fucking.

Where is the fucking?

Bring her the fucking.

Crissy Answers Door in PJs-Wrangles Drunks for Kiala

Crissy’s weekend was rather dull and included normal things like a trip to Target for bullshit and answering the door in her pj’s for the grocery delivery guy.

It gets him all hot when he sees Crissy in her mismatched fleece and fuzzy slippers. She doesn’t even have to tip him. He just throws the bags in the door and runs like a bastard.

He must have a lot of deliveries on his route.

On Saturday night we made a birthday video for The Lovely Miss Kiala as it was a birthday surprise request from her husband, Dane, and Crissy thought it was very sweet of him (totally something Edward would do for Bella. Just saying.). A bunch of her blog and real life friends did one too. You should go and wish her a happy birthday. Really. DO IT!!!!

We think our contribution came out rather well actually and can be seen here.

But the outtakes were priceless because in them you see Crissy wrangling some drunks to get her video made.

Mister and Paul were not drunk and behaved like total professionals except for the horrendous outfit (a flight suit and a cousin Eddy hat) Mister insisted on wearing because “it’s the fucking shit, man” and thankfully you cannot see it because the lighting is total crap but the other dudes?

Cockified.

They started drinking at noon. We made the video around 7:00. Need Crissy say more? And Girlfriend thought the music was too loud and so she was clinging to Crissy’s leg and screaming. Thankfully, Michele was home with Alena making cookies and listening to soft music and so Crissy brought Girlfriend out of the chaos and over there for a few minutes because really? Girlfriend does not need to hear all the Motherfuckers and Cocksuckers that were flying around followed by a drunk bending down into her face and slurring “I srry sweehot. I saidabadword.”

She heard enough of that already when Crissy used to cook dinner with a bottle glass of wine and some pills.

Anyhooter, That’s all Crissy has for this lovely Monday morning.

Watch the fucking videos.

We’ll See About This Edward Fellow.

Crissy is a little surprised at how many of you Girl Queefs thought a speculum would be fun!

Such dirty, dirty girls you are!

Crissy and some of the other Girl Queefs who didn’t think so must have extra sensitive lady businesses because cold metal hardness is too hurty for us.

Silicone hardness, sure.

Latex?

Of course!

But not cold icky metal.

Crissy doesn’t care how much lube you’ve got.

Anywho, in other news, in case some of you didn’t know this, The Lovely Kiala informed Crissy that Dooce announced her pregnancy on the same day as Crissy announced hers.

BUT!

Crissy is due three days before her so clearly it means that Dooce is copying Crissy even though Crissy is certain that Dooce has never even heard of her she is still sure that she’s trying to be like Crissy.

Because EVERYBODY wants to be like Crissy.

And if you don’t then there’s something wrong with you. Your fabulousness meter is broken or something.

And in other, other news, some of you are going to hate Crissy for doing this.

Crissy and Alice are reading Twilight.

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We’re not usually ones to go along with the crowd, but Crissy is looking for a new vampire to think about when she does Sexy Time replace her beloved Mick St. John from Moonlight.

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Don’t worry Mick. Crissy will always love you best.

So far, Alice is like a Bitch in Heat for Edward. Crissy is reserving judgement until he stops acting like a freak show when he’s around poor stupid Bella.

Crissy will give you her complete analysis of Edward’s fuckability later on.

Whether you like it or not.