Archive for November, 2008

Crissy debated about whether or not to post today but she figured what the hell.
There must be some sorry and unfortunate Queefs just like Crissy out there that have to work today so Hi!! Sorry you’re at work today but don’t cry. Crissy is at work today too.

Sucks.

Anywho, for the five of you who will perhaps be around to read this, Crissy had a lovely thanksgiving and when she got on her Wii Fit this morning to weigh herself it pretty much screamed “holy fuck woman! How much did you eat yesterday??”

Apparently, Crissy’s mommy’s green bean casserole made Crissy gain 3lbs in one day. Also, Crissy had 1/2 glass of wine which she nursed all day and she is sure some of that weight is from wine bloat.

YES. IT. IS.

Crissy’s body is not used to the wine anymore and so immediately processed it into fat.

That and the casserole and the chocolate cream pie and the orange blossom pie and the pumpkin pie and the hazlenut cake.  And it did not stop her from having the same for breakfast this morning.  People are starving out there.  Who is Crissy to let a perfectly good chocolate cream pie go to waste?

She’s nobody Queefs.  Nobody.

Oy.

Crissy about had to driven to work on a flat bed this morning.

People thought Sea World was doing an exhibit at the library.

They tried to buy tickets to see the baby whale being born. They were bummed to find that it was really just Crissy getting out of her car in a puddle.

Anyway, here are some pictures:

Crissy’s dining room table:

Crissy standing next to her dining room table.

Crissy would like to say that she is glowing from Taco, but really she’s just thinking about the fucking pathetic 1/2 glass of wine she’s planning on having.

Crissy and her mommy and Girlfriend.

The whole family (Mister’s mama, Mister’s sister with Girlfriend on her shoulders, Mister, duh, Crissy, duh, and Crissy’s mama), minus Mister’s dad, who had a heart attack on Wednesday and is in the hospital but he will be fine Queefs so don’t worry. Also Crissy’s dad and Crissy’s Papa were there but went home by the time this picture was taken.

Mister got a remote control for his camera so now he can take pictures of himself.

Crissy just hopes he remembers to have his pants on.

There Crissy was, working at the Reference desk and reading People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive issue because she is very well educated and sophisticated and cultured and such when she came across something that horrified her and also intrigued her just a little bit.

Scratch and sniff chests. Or “itch and smell” like Girlfriend calls it.

Yes Queefs. You read that right.

Sexy Scents: what fragrances makes these guys feel their sexiest? Rub the pictures to find out!

And Crissy was bored and so she looked over her shoulder and made sure she wasn’t on candid camera or anything because that would just figure and after she stopped laughing to herself she thought “fuck it” and decided to partake in the scratch and sniff.

She felt weird smelling naked paper chestals but whatev.

She’s getting paid time and a half to do it on a Sunday.

And so we have Chase Crawford who smells like Freshly Cut Grass and Taye Diggs who smells like vanilla, chocolate, sandalwood and musk, not Crissy’s favorite but she doesn’t care if Taye Diggs was covered in cat shit.

She’d still lick him raw.

Chris Meloni who Crissy thinks was at his sexiest on Oz smells all coconutty like the beach, and Micheal Phelps smells like L’Homme by YSL which Crissy did not like in the store but on naked paper Michael Phelps it’s not half bad, and then Crissy opened her eyes as she was taking her last intoxicating, panty moistening smell of Michael and found that apparently she had been transported to some sort of aromatic wonderland where she became unaware of the gathering crowd standing in front of her.

Shit.

Busted by the pain in the ass citizens of Schmuckytown.

And then when Crissy was finished rolling on the picture of Micheal Phelps the crowd cleared Crissy showed Wil, her counterpart, her discovery and had a good chuckle and just so you know, Wil thought Chris Maloney smelled the best which surprised Crissy because she would have figured Wil for more of a Freshly Cut Grass kind of guy.

And then on Monday in the break-room someone else discovered it and the magazine got passed around from lady to lady and Crissy thinks one of them actually brought it to the bathroom for a little alone time.

But Crissy is concerned Queefs. What are we scratching and sniffing next?

Crissy shudders to think of it.

Hi Chris! This is your Thanksgiving present.

So Crissy finished Twilight in about 5 hours because it’s a simple read and it flows along rather quickly and besides. All that happens is Edward and Bella are in serious puppy love and they can’t hook up because Edward thinks his super vampire powers will hurt Bella if he gets a hard on and gets carried away.

My, my, my, isn’t someone full of himself?

Never in Crissy’s life has she been turned down for sex because the dude was afraid that his wank would go right through the back of her throat and come out the other side whilst Crissy was doing the sucky-sucky.

Neh-vah.

But then again, Crissy has never sucked off a vampire.

Not that she’s aware of at least.

There was the one guy who was rather pale and liked to bite Crissy’s earlobes which Crissy found absolutely repulsive. And he did show up wearing a cape one time but Crissy is pretty sure he was just a fucking freak and not a vampire.

And for the record Crissy did not give freak boy the sucky-sucky. The dating ended promptly after the cape incident. There was never even a kiss other than the weird earlobe thing he did to her.

So anyways, Crissy’s theory on whole Edward phenomena is that he is totally, infinitely fuckable because he will not fuck. He’ll kiss, but not too much, he’ll caress and snuggle but never goes beyond that.

The boy is a pussy tease and that makes him irresistible.

There’s no better way to get a girl to want you than to refuse to fuck her. But you have to be careful because she will eventually give up on you because dick is really, really easy to come by.

What Crissy wants to know is what happens when Bella gets her period? Does Edward get his red wings? It’s chunky style, but it’s still Bella’s blood, right?

Crissy thinks that if Edward would just be there for Bella once a month everyone would win. Edward gets to feed on her blood and Bella gets to get off.

Just saying.

But really Crissy doesn’t care very much about Bella because the girl is a bloody moron.

No pun intended.

Actually it was. Sue Crissy.

And Crissy has soooo much to say about this book but it started to turn into a feminist rant about rescue fantasies, Disney princesses, and poisonous fairy tales and while the little girl inside of Crissy is madly in love with Edward, the grown woman who wrote her master’s thesis on anyone? anyone? Postfeminism knows better than to fall for the rash of bullshit that is Twilight. Crissy wants to rip this book from every teenage girl’s hand and beat her with it.

In the end, Crissy would prefer to read a vampire story about a grown up woman instead of one about a stupid, silly little girl.

And Crissy would like to read about fucking.

Where is the fucking?

Bring her the fucking.

Crissy’s weekend was rather dull and included normal things like a trip to Target for bullshit and answering the door in her pj’s for the grocery delivery guy.

It gets him all hot when he sees Crissy in her mismatched fleece and fuzzy slippers. She doesn’t even have to tip him. He just throws the bags in the door and runs like a bastard.

He must have a lot of deliveries on his route.

On Saturday night we made a birthday video for The Lovely Miss Kiala as it was a birthday surprise request from her husband, Dane, and Crissy thought it was very sweet of him (totally something Edward would do for Bella. Just saying.). A bunch of her blog and real life friends did one too. You should go and wish her a happy birthday. Really. DO IT!!!!

We think our contribution came out rather well actually and can be seen here.

But the outtakes were priceless because in them you see Crissy wrangling some drunks to get her video made.

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Mister and Paul were not drunk and behaved like total professionals except for the horrendous outfit (a flight suit and a cousin Eddy hat) Mister insisted on wearing because “it’s the fucking shit, man” and thankfully you cannot see it because the lighting is total crap but the other dudes?

Cockified.

They started drinking at noon. We made the video around 7:00. Need Crissy say more? And Girlfriend thought the music was too loud and so she was clinging to Crissy’s leg and screaming. Thankfully, Michele was home with Alena making cookies and listening to soft music and so Crissy brought Girlfriend out of the chaos and over there for a few minutes because really? Girlfriend does not need to hear all the Motherfuckers and Cocksuckers that were flying around followed by a drunk bending down into her face and slurring “I srry sweehot. I saidabadword.”

She heard enough of that already when Crissy used to cook dinner with a bottle glass of wine and some pills.

Anyhooter, That’s all Crissy has for this lovely Monday morning.

Watch the fucking videos.

Crissy is a little surprised at how many of you Girl Queefs thought a speculum would be fun!

Such dirty, dirty girls you are!

Crissy and some of the other Girl Queefs who didn’t think so must have extra sensitive lady businesses because cold metal hardness is too hurty for us.

Silicone hardness, sure.

Latex?

Of course!

But not cold icky metal.

Crissy doesn’t care how much lube you’ve got.

Anywho, in other news, in case some of you didn’t know this, The Lovely Kiala informed Crissy that Dooce announced her pregnancy on the same day as Crissy announced hers.

BUT!

Crissy is due three days before her so clearly it means that Dooce is copying Crissy even though Crissy is certain that Dooce has never even heard of her she is still sure that she’s trying to be like Crissy.

Because EVERYBODY wants to be like Crissy.

And if you don’t then there’s something wrong with you. Your fabulousness meter is broken or something.

And in other, other news, some of you are going to hate Crissy for doing this.

Crissy and Alice are reading Twilight.

We’re not usually ones to go along with the crowd, but Crissy is looking for a new vampire to think about when she does Sexy Time replace her beloved Mick St. John from Moonlight.

Don’t worry Mick. Crissy will always love you best.

So far, Alice is like a Bitch in Heat for Edward. Crissy is reserving judgement until he stops acting like a freak show when he’s around poor stupid Bella.

Crissy will give you her complete analysis of Edward’s fuckability later on.

Whether you like it or not.

So Crissy is sorry she kept Taco a secret from the Queefs but she thought it was probably for the best because when you have a blog that is supposed to be all floofy and just like love in your mouth like a fluffernutter sandwich and you make an announcement about your baby dying in your uterus it tends to be a downer.

It could still happen but it’s less likely now so Crissy thought it was safe to tell. Some of you already knew but most of you did not. The Inner Circle Queefs did a lovely job of keeping a secret for these past few months.

Also, Crissy has been sick to death with 24 hour nausea and blowing chunks and not being able to eat and thought she might be tempted to complain about being sick instead of bringing on the funny.

Ain’t no other lady can put it down like Crissy you know.

She brings the funny.

Anyhooter, Mister and Crissy and Girlfriend all went to the Taco Doctor on Tuesday and we heard Taco’s little heart and Crissy had to be violated as is customary for visits to the Taco Doctor and it’s just so much fun to do anyway never mind having it done while your three year old screams holy fucking murder because the doctor is touching mommy’s va-ji-na.

And if you don’t know already, Crissy’s Taco Doctor has the most lovely little hand knitted stirrup cozies that are just such a nice touch. He also has cinnamon scented plug ins because not everyone cleans the ol’ tuna wookie before going to see him.

It seems strange at first but you Queefs have to realize that the man needs something to make his job more pleasant or else you’ll see Mike Rowe in his office with a camera crew and a miner’s helmet.

Then on Tuesday night Crissy was just going to Bedfordshire when Mister said “I have a present for you.”

“Ooooo! Is it brownies?”

“Nope. It’s better.”

“What is it?”

“Close your eyes and put your hand out.”

And so Crissy did and she felt something cold and heavy and metallic in her hand which instantly made her think it must be jewelry and when she opened her eyes it was this:

HE TOOK A FUCKING SPECULUM FROM THE TACO DOCTOR!!!!

Crissy was in such shock that she tossed the thing like a hot potato (or like a cold speculum) out of her hands and it went flying, clocking poor sleeping Alice in the head and sending her scurrying under the bed and Crissy scrambled to the head of the bed and clung to it for protection.

Crissy should have known better.

Mister is not so great in the gift giving department.

Clearly.

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And we shall name it Taco.

When you have a baby everything about your relationship with the person who knocked you up and volunteered to stick around married to changes.

For example, let’s say it’s 2 in the afternoon on a Sunday and there’s nothing to do but Make Sexy Time.

Can’t do it.

There’s this hanging around:

How freaking cute is Girlfriend’s school picture? Too cute, Queefs. Too cute.

Or let’s just say that it’s 2 am and you’ve had a dream about Sexy Time and you’d like to see how it ends and you need to finish the deal.

Nope.

This is in your bed:

because it’s got a cold or there were Aliens in her closet (Crissy swears she does not talk to Girlfriend about Aliens. Girlfriend developed this fear all by herself. She knows they’re coming too. Obama, CALL US!!!) or some fucking thing that requires her to sleep in your bed with you.

And sometimes this does a little cock blocking:

And this is a big offender too:

She decides that Sexy Time is the best time to rest her head on mommy’s shoulder and insist on getting Lovey Time For Alice.

And Crissy is getting rawther frustrated because it’s not like Crissy is one for having the Sexy Time all the time but Jeezus does it suck when the more than willing handyman with the all the right tools is only two feet away from her and yet cannot fix her situation.

And it’s not like Crissy can rub one out either because again,

Hi!!!

Crissy is getting ready to hump her co-workers (you’ve been warned Lynn-e) or her desk chair or the UPS delivery guy.

ANYTHING.

Crissy must find some way to solve her little problem before she does something unfortunate.

Today is Crissy’s blog’s birthday!!!

That’s right Queefs!

Crissyspage is 1 year old today!!!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRRRRRTHDAAAYY DEAR CRISSY’S BLO-OG, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

And to celebrate the most important event of 2008, Crissy has made her blog some fat free brownies and then she’s going to take a nap after work because Crissy knows how to fucking party.

The umbrellas in the brownies look like boobies.

tee-hee.

So here’s Crissy’s first post ever and it’s practically virgin territory because only Rachel, Crissy’s Mom and Mister have read it before.

Read Me Bitches!!!

Try not to have an orgasm in your work chair.

The clean up is just too much effort for a Monday.

Remember how the other day Crissy told you the story about how mall security caught her shoplifting a vibrator and a jar of peach flavored Body Butter from Spencer’s? And how Crissy took the stuff because she was too embarrassed to buy it and found it was far less humiliating to get caught by security, be strip searched by a same sex oriented security thing and then have them call her parents and tell them what they found in her purse?

Yes?

Well Crissy had made shoplifting a bit of a hobby way back in the day and she never took anything big but just little stuff like thongs and lipsticks and one time an aquamarine and diamond ring and stuff like that. It’s very hard to be a suburban teenager with a new sports car and nothing better to do but go to the mall with only the pittance you get from babysitting for little Sarah and Timmy Martin on Fridays.

Crissy’s needs were far too great to live within the confines of the sad and sorry $20 per week she had in her pocketbook. And that $20 was supposed to cover gas money too!

WTF???

And Crissy was very good at stealing stuff and in fact it wasn’t really her that was caught stealing at all but her stupid ham fisted friends. She got lumped in with the amatures. So. Not. Fair.

Crissy still does it sometimes because it’s important to keep your hand in.

Plus it’s really fun to stick it to the man.

Anywho, the reason why Crissy is telling you this is that she has noticed that Girlfriend is quite the little thief.

A couple of weeks ago while at the grocery store Girlfriend was begging Crissy to buy her a pack of gum. Crissy said “No. Mommy has plenty of gum in her purse.” And then Girlfriend goes “Awwwww…but Moooommmyyyy!” And then Crissy is all “Forget it.” And then Girlfriend got quiet and Crissy watched out of the corner of her eye whilst dicking around with the motherfuckingselfcheckoutmachine as Girlfriend took the gum and wrapped it in her shirt.

When Crissy was done scribbling Fuck off and Die on the credit card signature pad, a thing Crissy has taken to doing quite regularly now, she turned to Girlfriend and said “what’s in your shirt?” “Nothing mom” says Girlfriend as she nonchalantly studies the ceiling. “You’re busted lady. Put the gum back.” And she did.

And Crissy found a pair of barrettes in the bottom of the washer that she’s never seen before and when she asked Girlfriend about them she said they were a “gift from the teacher.” Uh huh. There’s also a Tony the Tiger pedometer that seems to have come from “nowhere” too.

Mister decided to have a bit of a sit down with her and asked her how she’d feel if someone took her stuff and do you know what she said Queefs?

“I’m not stupid. I keep my stuff with me daddy.”

We’re fucked.