Crissy is not going to blog today because she is out of sorts. And she’s not even hung over.

This is very surprising.

Crissy has just emerged from the shower and while moisturizing realized that she forgot to shave her right leg and rinse the conditioner out of her hair.

Alice has to be at the groomer’s in 30 minutes so Crissy will have to leave the house this morning all hairy (well, partially anyway) and greasy.

Thank Jeezus and Mary it’s Friday, Queefs.

That is all Crissy has to say about that.

So yesterday Crissy drops Girlfriend off at The Sandbox Preschool and there’s this bitchmom with a baby in a carrier and Girlfreind goes over, stands on her tippy toes to peek into the carrier and says “Oh your baby is soooo cute!” and the bitchmom whips the carrier away and says “Don’t put your face near her face! She’s had two colds already this year!” And girlfriend sort of just looked like…”huh?” And Crissy was present for the whole exchange and can say with 100% certainty that Girlfriend’s face did not come anywhere near bitchmom’s baby’s face and so WHAT THE FUCK WAS HER FUCKING PROBLEM?

And Crissy almost said “and you don’t think YOUR OWN PRESCHOOLER might have given her baby sister those colds?”

Nay, nay.


And Crissy was so mad that she was very, very tempted to grab girlfriend and ram the mommy down in the street with her car thusly:






Crissy thinks that would have fixed her wagon quite handily.

And yesterday was Picture Day and this woman’s kid was wearing some sort of sweatsuit dress type of thing with lace sewed onto it. It was fugly and Crissy is wondering what kind of asshole does that to a little child on picture day?

Remember when Crissy said that she was going to talk about herself in the third person until it bored her?

Well Crissy is not bored exactly, she’s more like addicted to it.

It’s addicting, Queefs. It’s become a habit.

Crissy can’t seem to stop doing it.

And so Crissy might try to stop but then again if you Queefs aren’t annoyed by it then Crissy has no reason to stop even though if you say you’re annoyed by it and Crissy wants to keep doing it she will and she will totally ignore your wishes because Crissy is queen and you are not.

Crissy rather enjoys how when she has Martinis with Queen Elizabeth, Lizzie (that’s what Crissy calls her. She likes her Martinis straight up and dirty.) always uses “we” instead of “me” because her person represents the whole of England and not just herself.

Crissy thinks she might try this out.

“We are going to have a royal bath where we will masturbate and read shampoo bottles. We are not to be disturbed!”


“We do not like macaroni and cheese. It makes us vomit. Take it away at once before we have you neutered!”

Crissy sort of likes that kind of fancy talking.

Anyway, please fill out the form below and tell Crissy if you want her to keep talking in the third person or if you’ve had it up to your crotchals with it already. And Crissy wants to hear from all you dirty lurkers too! That’s right! She sees you and she knows where you live. AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP MASTURBATING TO HER MILF PICTURE.

It’s so last Monday!

Also, please be advised that Crissy may or may not actually care what you think. She just wants you to think she cares.

She’s soooo deliciously Machiavellian!


There is something on the news that has been disturbing the crap out of Crissy and it’s very, very, important.

In fact, it is the most important and pressing issue on television right now and it had Crissy awake last night just a tossin’ and a turnin’ wondering what the hell she’s going to do about it if it happens because as your queen it is her job to protect her Queefs even though Crissy fully realizes that the title of QOFE is really just an honorary position and lacks any real authority beyond commanding people to make her Martinis and kiss her tiara and such.

And no.

Crissy is not talking about these assclowns being elected:

Crissy has a whole ‘nuther plan worked out if that happens. It goes something like this:


If we all go together, Canada will have to take us.

Ahem. Anyway.

Crissy is talking about ALIENS.

And not this kind:

Crissy is talking about this kind:

And they may or may not look exactly like this, but don’t be foolish Queefs.

They’re fucking coming.

Crissy knows this because she sees reports about it on the tee-vee and everyone knows that the news people don’t lie. And it wasn’t some cornhole farmer saying “yep. I seen em’ come right there outta the sky and I says to myself ‘what in tarnation is that thang?'”

It was a British Person who said it. And he was wearing a tie.

Crissy trusts anyone with a British accent who is wearing a tie because they are smart. And the Brits sent some fighter planes to go check out the weird blinky lights and they honestly say they cannot identify what they saw, but it was something unusual.


They’re coming.

And nobody is talking about it and it’s almost like nobody cares and because of that Crissy thinks she should be President.

Obama doesn’t say shit about what he plans to do about the Aliens when they come to enslave us and put probes in our butts.

We’re on our own Queefs!

And as my running mate I’m going to choose Duchovny.


Crissy has always had a thing for Duchovny.

Remember how stoogie sort of called Crissy on a random comment she made on Mister’s blog about how if she won this blogger thing that she would post a naykee picture of herself?

And remember how when Crissy said that, she never, ever thought in a milliondy gajillion years that it would ever happen?

Like, EVER?

Well, Crissy felt like having a naykee photo shoot this past freezing cold weekend about as much as she wanted to lick Osama Bin Laden’s sandy ball sack (Crissy has him tied up in her garage! Shhhhh!) but she did it anyway because “anything for my public” is Crissy’s motto. And Crissy likes to keep promises she makes during her campaigns because Crissy is Wonderful Like That.

So without further ado…