Crissy was rummaging through her brain archives just the other day and she found this story about how when back in the day, way before Mister and Girlfriend, she used to tool around the East Side of Providence with her friend Suzi and drink way, way, too much at the bars and then kiss boys they hardly knew.
And Crissy thought it would be the perfect time to share this little gem with her Queefs since our delightful Ben, from No Ordinary Rollercoaster, is having a little drinking story contest in an effort to raise awareness of the harmful effects of binge drinking.
Crissy doesn’t know what that even means, but apparently drinking until you puke your guts out of the window of a moving car on the highway is a bad thing. Crissy sort of always thought that was the goal because nothing takes your mind off your troubles better than hurling at 75 mph.
Or getting pulled over by the Po-Po like in Crissy’s story for today…
Once upon a time Crissy and her friend Suzi were dating two boys, Alex and Adam, who were just fresh out of parentally enforced drug and alcohol rehab and so naturally to celebrate the boys completing their programs we all met at Crissy’s boyfriend Adam’s house to drink our asses off. From what Crissy hears, Adam turned out to be gay and went on to become a lion tamer in the circus, but that’s a story for another time.
Anywho…Crissy and Suzi drank and drank and had lots of fun talking smack to a statue of Nefertiti at Adam’s house and acting like silly girls and then Suzi realized that she forgot Alex’s Congratulations on Getting Out of Rehab gift at her apartment and also she forgot to feed Skylar, her cat, so Crissy and Suzi got into Suzi’s cute little black BMW and drove back to Suzi’s to pick up the gift and feed the kitty.
Crissy and Suzi made it safely to the apartment and in a continued bout of sillyness and giggles decided to sample a little cat food themselves.
It was Meow Mix.
And if any of you Queefs are ever tempted to eat Meow Mix, Crissy would caution you against it. It’s very tuna-y, it sticks in your molars something fierce, and also it doesn’t go well with vodka sodas.
Maybe a nice light white wine would have been better but what did we know? We were young and foolish.
And so we fed the cat and grabbed the gift and stumbed back down the stairs and into the car to go back to Adam’s fancy East Side mansion.
So there we were in the car around midnight, smoking cigarettes and loudly singing the Beastie Boy’s No Sleep Till’ Brooklyn with all the windows and the sun roof open, Meow Mix still stuck in our teeth and unbeknownst to us, we were doing 55 in a 25 going the wrong way down swanky Blackstone Boulevard.
And then, oddly enough, the police were behind us pulling us over which we thought was just about the funniest. thing. ever. and Crissy is not afraid to tell you that we were not worried about getting in trouble with the police because we were two of the hottest little blondies you’ve ever seen and here we were in a BMW in a richy-rich neighborhood in the middle of the night being very, very naughty indeed.
What could we possibly be up to that the police would be concerned about?
And do you know why the officer pulled us over? It wasn’t the speeding the wrong way down a one way street. It wasn’t the blasting stereo. It wasn’t even that we smelled like a distillery.
There was a headlight out and the officer wanted us to know. And when he asked Suzi to put on the high beams to see if those lights were out too–or maybe Crissy was driving? Things start to get a little fuzzy at this point in the story, the windshield wipers went on instead.
Anyway, the officer was very understanding about the headlight and everything and let us go on our way without even a mention of the one way thing or the 30 mph over the speed limit thing or the drunk thing and we went back to Adam’s house and laughed about it all and had a toast to the Pigs and then at some point went home and passed out.
Crissy and Suzi woke up together at Suzi’s apartment in Suzi’s bed, both of us terminally hungover, and um, well, we were wet.
As it turns out, Crissy had wet both the bed and Suzi.
Ever pee in somebody’s bed?
It’s awkward as ass.