Get Out of My Way or I’ll Totally Kill You

Yesterday Crissy was in quite a tear indeed. After waking up late at the glorious hour of 7:00AM(!!!!) the entire household was thrown into a panic to get out of the house on time. It was chaos.

And Crissy was running late having packed two lunches and making two breakfasts and getting herself and Girlfriend showered, dressed, peed, and out the door for school and work.

Crissy drove like the wind to the Sandbox Preschool to drop Girlfriend off and as she turned the corner near the school she realized she was going nowhere fast because before her sat a big, big, gigantic YUKON blocking the street.

So Crissy waited.

And she waited.

tick-tock…

Some of us have a J-O-B to get to Cock Knocker!

Move your fucking pig!

And do you know what the fucking hold up was Queefs?

Some fucktard, some assclown, some dickweed, was blocking the street because he wanted a parking spot RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE SCHOOL. The rest of the street was totally clear. Plenty of parking spots for everyone but this fuck face decided that he couldn’t possibly walk fifty feet to the school with little Jayden or Brayden or Caydence or whatever fucking yuppy snot name he named his fucking kid and so he decided that it was okay to block the street and sit and wait for a good spot to park his big fat hog.

And he’s not the only Dickmo in an SUV. They all have those HUGE ASS SUVS. They drive Range Rovers, Navigators, Suburbans, Yukons, Explorers, and there’s even some weird looking Mercedes abomination. And Crissy can totally see why it’s necessary to drive such a thing. Everyone knows you need the largest vehicle possible to deliver little Landon and little Ashlyn to school safely. You don’t know what could happen in the five minute trip from your house to the school.

There might be some peasants trying to cross the street and you might need to run them over so you’re not late for your busy street blocking appointment.

And so they fight to park their giant cars RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE SCHOOL and then when they get into the play yard they all stand around with the chitting and the chatting and block the fucking entrance to the school so that Crissy and Girlfriend have to fight their way through the crowd of mommies to get inside.

Again, some of us have J-O-B-S to get to and can’t stand around clucking like a bunch of damned hens.

Crissy is mad and she’s already fed up with the Preschool Mommies.

Crissy feels a Barbie attack coming on.

Wait for it…

It will be bloody.

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26 comments

  1. “Plenty of parking spots for everyone but this fuck face decided that he couldn’t possibly walk fifty feet to the school with little Jayden or Brayden or Caydence or whatever fucking yuppy snot name he named his fucking kid”

    Love this line. It seems like everyone and their dog is naming their kids these made up names.

  2. Seriously? Ok people like that annoy me. WALK. I mean, you have two legs, walk across the street. It’s not hard. Your huge car does not need to be that close to the school.

    I’m excited about the barbie attack. I think it’s necessary.

  3. Oh holy crap. Can you slash their tires after the Barbie attack? I’ll help. I’m little, I could infiltrate, pose as a preschooler and then, just when they are least expecting it, we’ll surprise attack them. This yuppy pretension must be stopped!

  4. AHH!! You are speaking to me. You are literally vomiting your words into the opening of my soul.

    I hate yuppy names and I hate oversized SUV’s!! The worse is when you driving behind one that has like, 9 monitors for little Jayden to watch The Wiggles. Holy over stimulation, Batman!

  5. Please, please don’t get me started on these people. I could go on forever about them. It’s not bad enough that they have the SUV but once they get out of the car, they then have the SUV of strollers. And block the sidewalk. In front of Starbucks. Hate them. Hate them all.

    I’m thinking the next time you have to provide snacks for the snot-nose hordes, you make cupcakes laced with Xanax a delicious peanut butter filling.

  6. I’m the same way. While I wait to pick up Diana I have to listen to the mind numbing conversations of the other moms;

    “Well St. Matthews is such a nice school, really it’s worth the money. Since I have money I can spend it on lots of things, except clothes for me. I must always wear these sweatpants with mysterious stains on them and not brush my hair. Next I’ll tell you why I think my husband is having an affair….”

  7. Bring on the Barbies pleaseandthankyou. And let me just tell you, they’re alcoholics. Every.Single.One.Of.Them. And they show up to AA and can’t figure out why no one thinks they’re all that and a bag of chips. mwhahaha!

  8. Ooooh, we haven’t played with Barbies in quite some time. I thought you had graduated to, you know, real people. But, if maiming and blood and gore is involved, maybe it’s best to digress to Barbies. Bring ’em on!

  9. You need to communicate with them on their level. Next time, as you approach the school, have a bullhorn with you and start to say, “I drink expensive teas with fancy names! I eat a lot of sushi! I studied abroad! I think coffee is worth five bucks a cup! Gentrification rebuilds communities!”

    They will then realize that you are the QOFE and part for you and girlfriend like the red sea.

  10. “AHH!! You are speaking to me. You are literally vomiting your words into the opening of my soul.”

    BEST comment of the day.

  11. Stoogepie has the right idea… If his “communication” doesn’t work you could start in with “I’m friends with Woodland Gays and will tell them where you live”… or “If you don’t move your SUV I’ll pay Cayden to ask Daddy why Mommy’s welcome home kisses are so salty…”

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