Bees and Woodchucks Are Not Nice Guests

Oh my goodness Queefs yesterday was just the most glorious fall day and Girlfriend and I went out to the garden to harvest the last of the tomatoes and the eggplant and the green peppers


when Crissy noticed something.

It was this:


and this:


and if that’s not enough, this:


Her zinnias, her sun rays, and her marigolds are destroyed. These are the very same flowers that she planted from seeds given to her by her grandfather that are descended from his very own prized flowers and motherfucking Frank


got in there and smashed them all up.

And you know he did this just to be an asshole don’t you Queefs? Why else would he wait all summer and let them grow to their fullest potential and then go rummaging through Crissy’s garden and Papa’s flowers are the only thing he touched?

It’s woodchuck sarcasm is what it is.


He wants Crissy to know who has the power.

And Alice continues to be totally fascinated by Frank.


That’s pretty much her day–sticking her head under this hole in the fence waiting for Frank to come.

And so Crissy tried to harvest what was left of her zinnias and some of her marigolds and some of her sun rays and cursed Frank the whole time while Alice waited for her prince to come.

And so now whenever something in the house get ruined, we’re going to blame Frank. The wheel on Girlfriend’s train breaks? Frank did it.

Somebody spent the mortgage money on shoes?


And then just so that Crissy wouldn’t think her afternoon was crappy enough, Girlfriend was running barefoot through the grass and stepped on a motherfucking bee who stung her little footie.

She screamed a scream Crissy has never heard before and then spent the rest of the afternoon with her foot propped up on a pillow with an ice pack on it and flying high on Benadryl, Ibuprofen, and cherry popsicles.

So fuck you Frank for wrecking Crissy’s flowers AGAIN and fuck you bees for stinging girlfriend AGAIN.

In fact, fuck you Nature with you creatures and your…your…sunshine.

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  1. I should start doing that too, blaming everything on Frank.
    “Dammit Frank, it’s your fault I’m not pregnant yet!”
    “Dammit Frank, it’s your fault our stocks crashed!”
    “Dammit Frank, why did you introduce Palin to McCain!”

  2. That sort of thing is precisely why I avoid Nature and just sit glued to the computer all the time.

    Poor Girlfriend… I remember being stung by a bee on the upper inner thigh when I was 6 or 7. Not pleasant.

    Stupid Nature. And Frank obviously has mental impairments from living in your lead-laced dirt.

  3. Well, I think I’ve told you before what happens in your backyard in South Dakota stays in your backyard in South Dakota. There’s a reason we all own guns.

    And use them.

    Fucking Frank.

  4. Ah, I was wondering when Frank was going to pop up again.

    Maybe he was just trying to help you harvest them, but since his woodchuck brain is so tiny he failed.

  5. Nature fucking sucks.

    But what’s with planting seeds and shit like that? It’s like you’re encouraging nature or something. I say just fill all the dirt on your property with cement. Put a dildo garden there instead.

    Pave the world.

  6. If you are looking for a good redneck to get rid of that lil “problem” of yours let me know. I’ll get a lawn chair and a case of beer and sit there for a few hours talking about how great Skynyrd is.

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