The other day Crissy looked out her window to see her friend Michele running by the house. Crissy threw open the window and yelled “run bitch! RUN!!!” at her.
The woman looked up to see Crissy standing in her window in her underpanties and guess what?
Not.
Michele.
Whoopsie.
Thank goodness that the woman looked up at that moment though because the next thing out of Crissy’s mouth was going to be “nice ass!”
Crissy has requested that Michele wear a name tag when she goes jogging from now on.
Crissy has been noticing lately that her crotchals are a tad, well, how can she say this and still maintain her spotless reputation as a proper lady?
Bwahahahahahahaha!!!
Ahem…
Raw?
And Crissy vowed to maybe lay off her Rabbit a little bit and see how we do but then a couple of her little friends at the library approached her as she was leaving the ladies room and said
“psssst! Is your crotch itchy?”
And Crissy said “why yes, yes it is come to think of it!” and then Crissy reached down and gave her delicates a bit of a how’s your mother for added effect.
And then Lynne (of course Lynne was involved!) rubbed her fronts on the locker handles.
And then Crissy rubbed hers on the corner.
And then we decided that a call to the Facilities Manager, who happens to be a woman thank sweet baby jeezus, was indeed necessary. Why would at least five of Schmuckytown Public Library’s finest employees have the crotch rot at the same time if it wasn’t due to an inferior brand of toilet tissue?
Girl parts are delicate and should always be caressed by rose petals.
It cannot possibly be that we are all using our Rabbits a little too much can it?
Well, of course it can but let’s pretend the five of us delicate flowers are NOT actually dirty sluts and just say it’s the TP.
Mmmkay?
And so now we’re going around whipering “how’s your twat?” just to see if it’s just us or if anyone else is having an issue with the tissue.
Crissy thinks this pussying about and whispering around is a waste of time and we should just make an announcement over the PA:
“Attention library employees. Will anyone with an itchy snatch please report to the break room please? Itchy snatchs to the breakroom. Thank you.”
And do you Queefs know what the Facilities Manager’s response was when we told her of our situation?
“I haven’t switched brands in years. Maybe you just need to shave or wax. Do a touch up. What do you want me to do? Call my supplier and tell him that my girls have itchy twidgets? He’ll probably offer to come over and inspect.”
And so as it turns out the answer is not in the TP at all. Now there’s a rumor that someone has herpes and we all caught it from her from using the same toilet.
Crissy is going to go with that theory. Crissy smells a witch hunt!
Weeeeeeee!!!!
Somebody fucking won something!
So yesterday Crissy and Stoogie put their heads together and Crissy picked the winners of all the great stuff that Stoogie has in his closet taking up valuable sex toy space. And we did it all official like and used Random.com or Random.org or whatever it’s called and you can blame Crissy if you didn’t win but if you did win then you can thank Crissy.
And to express your gratitude you can also send her that new purple Coachy love she showed you a picture of a few weeks ago.
WHAT?!?
It costs less than what either the camera or the camera plus tons of other crap would have cost you so it would be saving money.
Crissy is always looking for ways to help the Queefs save a buck in these difficult and trying financial times!
Crissy is magnanimous.
And so anyway, Crissy picked the winning numbers and then to celebrate the winners she had very naughty phone sex with Stoogie and it was sooooo goooood that Crissy’s panties are still wet and she’s changed them twice already and let Crissy also tell you Queefs that he is a very, very dirty boy.
But you kind of already knew that anyway.
So the winners are….
The camera and all the crap that goes with it: MR. PERFECTLY!!!
And the video camera: MELISSA LION who Crissy thinks should celebrate her winning by making a naughty movie of herself with her new camera!
Take it off girl!
Don’t worry Mr. Perfectly. We won’t make you do it too.
Although it is only fair…
You know what Crissy hates?
Crissy hates it when she’s awake at 3:00 am being a Nervous Nelly, a Doubting Thomas, a Debbie Downer, a Worry Wart (Crissy hates that expression. It’s gross.) and she has to lay there listening to her bedmates, Mister, Alice and Big Pussy, just doing nighty nights without a care in the world.
And Alice is all “snork, snork, oink!”
And Big Pussy is all “puuuuuuuurrrrrrrr, puuuuuuuuurrrrrr, puuuuuuuuuurrrrrrr.”
And Mister is all “Hooonnnnkkkkkkkkkkkkk.”
And it makes Crissy feel just a little bitter and resentful and homicidal because they’re sleeping and she’s up worrying about Aliens and anal probing and writing ridiculous blog posts in her head exactly like this one and things like that and they’re not and she is very, very tempted to be like
“OH MY GOD!!! FIRE! FIRE!!! WAKE! UP!”
And then when they wake up all panicked and stuff Crissy will play innocent and say “What? I was asleep this whole time. I didn’t say anything.”
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
Good luck getting back to sleep ASSHOLES.
Everyone knows that Mondays are for taking care of business and so that is what Crissy is going to do today. Take care of a little business.
Remember when stoogie made a little contest which you may or may not have heard about and remember how the beautiful and talented Ms. Dingo went to dinner with Stoogie to choose the winner of said contest?
Well during that dinner Mr. Dingo, Ms. Dingo’s main squeeze, was challenged to make Crissy a wonderful badge to go along with her winning the Blogger’s Choice thingy.
Crissy has been meaning to show the Queefs what this marvelous badge looks like:
TA-DA!!!
The artistry is stoogie’s and just let Crissy say that the likeness is stunningly accurate, but the photoshopping is all Mr. Dingo. Crissy has had it for a while but to be honest with you Queefs Crissy is not very good with The Technology. Sure, she can whip up one hell of a veggie lasagna, but when it comes to computer things or remembering phone messages or working well with others Crissy is not so good. So Crissy had to ask Mister for help because Crissy could not for her life figure out how to get this thing from her email to her blog.
So thanks Mister and thanks Mr. Dingo for the wonderful badge. Crissy is going with the official Blogger’s Choice one but IT’S NOT BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T LOVE THE ONE YOU MADE FOR HER.
Also, the winner of Stoogie’s contest has not come forward yet. What the fuck is wrong with you Soapbox? Do you not want wonderful prizes? So Stoogie and Crissy are going to pick somebody else.
In other news, Crissy is bummed out that it’s Monday already.
That is all.
Crissy is not going to blog today because she is out of sorts. And she’s not even hung over.
This is very surprising.
Crissy has just emerged from the shower and while moisturizing realized that she forgot to shave her right leg and rinse the conditioner out of her hair.
Alice has to be at the groomer’s in 30 minutes so Crissy will have to leave the house this morning all hairy (well, partially anyway) and greasy.
Thank Jeezus and Mary it’s Friday, Queefs.
That is all Crissy has to say about that.
So yesterday Crissy drops Girlfriend off at The Sandbox Preschool and there’s this bitchmom with a baby in a carrier and Girlfreind goes over, stands on her tippy toes to peek into the carrier and says “Oh your baby is soooo cute!” and the bitchmom whips the carrier away and says “Don’t put your face near her face! She’s had two colds already this year!” And girlfriend sort of just looked like…”huh?” And Crissy was present for the whole exchange and can say with 100% certainty that Girlfriend’s face did not come anywhere near bitchmom’s baby’s face and so WHAT THE FUCK WAS HER FUCKING PROBLEM?
And Crissy almost said “and you don’t think YOUR OWN PRESCHOOLER might have given her baby sister those colds?”
Nay, nay.
It must have been OTHER PEOPLE’S FILTHY CHILDREN.
And Crissy was so mad that she was very, very tempted to grab girlfriend and ram the mommy down in the street with her car thusly:
Crissy thinks that would have fixed her wagon quite handily.
And yesterday was Picture Day and this woman’s kid was wearing some sort of sweatsuit dress type of thing with lace sewed onto it. It was fugly and Crissy is wondering what kind of asshole does that to a little child on picture day?
Remember when Crissy said that she was going to talk about herself in the third person until it bored her?
Well Crissy is not bored exactly, she’s more like addicted to it.
It’s addicting, Queefs. It’s become a habit.
Crissy can’t seem to stop doing it.
And so Crissy might try to stop but then again if you Queefs aren’t annoyed by it then Crissy has no reason to stop even though if you say you’re annoyed by it and Crissy wants to keep doing it she will and she will totally ignore your wishes because Crissy is queen and you are not.
Crissy rather enjoys how when she has Martinis with Queen Elizabeth, Lizzie (that’s what Crissy calls her. She likes her Martinis straight up and dirty.) always uses “we” instead of “me” because her person represents the whole of England and not just herself.
Crissy thinks she might try this out.
“We are going to have a royal bath where we will masturbate and read shampoo bottles. We are not to be disturbed!”
OR
“We do not like macaroni and cheese. It makes us vomit. Take it away at once before we have you neutered!”
Crissy sort of likes that kind of fancy talking.
Anyway, please fill out the form below and tell Crissy if you want her to keep talking in the third person or if you’ve had it up to your crotchals with it already. And Crissy wants to hear from all you dirty lurkers too! That’s right! She sees you and she knows where you live. AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP MASTURBATING TO HER MILF PICTURE.
It’s so last Monday!
Also, please be advised that Crissy may or may not actually care what you think. She just wants you to think she cares.
She’s soooo deliciously Machiavellian!
Hahahahahahahahaha!!!!
There is something on the news that has been disturbing the crap out of Crissy and it’s very, very, important.
In fact, it is the most important and pressing issue on television right now and it had Crissy awake last night just a tossin’ and a turnin’ wondering what the hell she’s going to do about it if it happens because as your queen it is her job to protect her Queefs even though Crissy fully realizes that the title of QOFE is really just an honorary position and lacks any real authority beyond commanding people to make her Martinis and kiss her tiara and such.
And no.
Crissy is not talking about these assclowns being elected:
Crissy has a whole ‘nuther plan worked out if that happens. It goes something like this:
RUN!!!!!
If we all go together, Canada will have to take us.
Ahem. Anyway.
Crissy is talking about ALIENS.
And not this kind:
Crissy is talking about this kind:
And they may or may not look exactly like this, but don’t be foolish Queefs.
They’re fucking coming.
Crissy knows this because she sees reports about it on the tee-vee and everyone knows that the news people don’t lie. And it wasn’t some cornhole farmer saying “yep. I seen em’ come right there outta the sky and I says to myself ‘what in tarnation is that thang?’”
It was a British Person who said it. And he was wearing a tie.
Crissy trusts anyone with a British accent who is wearing a tie because they are smart. And the Brits sent some fighter planes to go check out the weird blinky lights and they honestly say they cannot identify what they saw, but it was something unusual.
See?
They’re coming.
And nobody is talking about it and it’s almost like nobody cares and because of that Crissy thinks she should be President.
Obama doesn’t say shit about what he plans to do about the Aliens when they come to enslave us and put probes in our butts.
We’re on our own Queefs!
And as my running mate I’m going to choose Duchovny.
Crissy has always had a thing for Duchovny.
Remember how stoogie sort of called Crissy on a random comment she made on Mister’s blog about how if she won this blogger thing that she would post a naykee picture of herself?
And remember how when Crissy said that, she never, ever thought in a milliondy gajillion years that it would ever happen?
Like, EVER?
Well, Crissy felt like having a naykee photo shoot this past freezing cold weekend about as much as she wanted to lick Osama Bin Laden’s sandy ball sack (Crissy has him tied up in her garage! Shhhhh!) but she did it anyway because “anything for my public” is Crissy’s motto. And Crissy likes to keep promises she makes during her campaigns because Crissy is Wonderful Like That.
So without further ado…
