As we moved along the Equestrian trails at Schmuckytown Woods on Sunday, Girlfriend came across a large pile of horsey poo and exclaimed

“WOW! Mommy look! That’s the biggest pile of shit I’ve ever seen! And it’s fancy too! It’s got corn in it!”

and so on second thought it may not have been horsey poo after all because Crissy has never never seen corn in horsey poo but maybe that’s because she’s never really taken a good look before. And Crissy is a little bit afraid of horses because they’re rather large and even though this may or may not have happened

Crissy generally makes it a point to avoid horses and stick to enjoying them from a distance.

It’s all because of when Crissy was a wee little 6th grade Crissy and she slept over her friend Gina’s house and Gina had horses and one stepped on her foot and it HURT wee little 6th grade Crissy’s delicate footie, not to mention how much it hurt wee little 6th grade Crissy’s crotchals after riding him.

Anycrap, Crissy would have taken a picture of the mystery crap but she sort of draws the line at putting pictures of poo on her blog.

(Holy shit! Crissy has found her limit! who’d a thunk she even had one!?!)

Crissy is thinking that maybe instead of a horsey that one of the Woodland Gays was experiencing issues that day and had to use his woodsy cradle of love for another purpose.

Too much corn, perhaps.

On Sunday Crissy and Mister took Girlfriend and Alice for a walk at Schmuckytown Woods and it was rather enjoyable even though Girlfriend is slower than a bag of turtles and Crissy had to keep stopping to make sure she hadn’t fallen into a gully or a ravine or a cavern or anything.

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And we came across a Miracle Tree and some very interesting horsey poo but Crissy will tell you about that later because as much fun as the Miracle tree and the horsey poo was, nothing can compare to the other magical thing the Crissys found during their walk.

The Crissy’s discovered that it was the perfect sort of day to catch sight of the fascinating creatures called the Woodland Gays in their natural habitat.

And they didn’t even need their binoculars because all they had to do was walk along the trails to encounter the badly dressed out of shape middle aged married men walking alone along the trails carrying backpacks full of gay porn, kleenex, condoms and lube and there you have a Woodland Gay.

You can also identify them by their mating call which sounds an awful lot like the Woot! Woot! Disco Call made famous in discotheques and gay bars the world over.

And one must be careful not to go too deeply into the woods because you do not want to disturb the Woodland Gays during their mating ritual.

They are shy creatures and sometimes prefer to hide behind trees and peek out at you.

Here’s one such fellow now.

(This picture is not from yesterday)

And the Woodland Gays, if on a trail and confronted directly with recreating families like the Crissys, will not make eye contact and say “good afternoon” because they know that you know what they’re really there for and it ain’t a nice hike in the fresh Schmuckytown Woods air.

They’re looking for a whole ‘nuther type of adventure.

They don’t want you to know that they know you know that they know that you know and they know and everyone knows.

Or something.

And so everyone pretends that the Woodland Gays aren’t.

But they so. are.

And when Crissy sees them she wants to shout “Tell your wife you’re gay! She’s probably sick of you anyway!” And also Crissy would set up a booth in the woods and interview potential gay bffs but she has a feeling the Woodland Gays are not the type of gays that will help her pick out a pair of pants that make her ass look wonderful.

PS: All you bloggers who have not pimped the stoogepie sweepstakes (which, btw has grown a bit and is now worth about $1,200!) must report to stoogie to learn about the nude MILF Pimp Prize because he has an $800 camera for one lucky blogger to win. Your odds are pretty damn good since so far we have Chris, Maxie, Ben, Adminerella, My stupid husband, MelissaDingo, and Rachel M.. So pimp this shit and you have a really strong chance at getting something out of it. You also have to let stoogie know you did it because he’s not God you know. Close, but no.

PPS: Right now three fucking MEN are beating Crissy for Hottest Mommy Blogger and it goes up Crissy’s bum sideways. Crissy will consider it a great victory to at least hand their hairy asses to them.

Crissy doesn’t know about you Queefs, but she never knows what to write in cards passed around the office by the Sunshine Committee (Hi Lynne!).

Someone is always leaving or graduating or dying or popping out a kid or somefuckingthing and everyone is expected to sign some lame, happy horseshit card with teddy bears on it for someone they have interacted with for approximately 10.5 seconds during the past 2 years of working together. And nobody knows what to write so they all say either one of four things:

  • Best Wishes
  • Good Luck
  • We’ll Miss You!
  • Don’t Forget to Visit Us!!!

Or some people like to get fancy and say all three things together.

  • Best Wishes! Good Luck! We’ll Miss You! Come Visit!!!

Some of the more creative folks will write

  • Boo. You’re leaving us. We’re sad now.

Crissy does not like to follow the crowd and she prefers to write something funny, but it always comes out sounding perverse and or rude instead.

Ahem.

For example:

  • Hope you don’t die during your long commute to your new job!
  • I heard you got fired.
  • You were stupid anyway.
  • Congratulations on your graduation! Try not to get fat (or pregnant) Freshman year at college!
  • Good Luck with rehab! Hope you make it this time!
  • You’re quitting your job to become a train conductor? Really? (that actually happened!)
  • I don’t know you. I don’t care you’re leaving.
  • Now that you’re leaving it’s safe to tell you it was me that ate your last veggie burger that you had in the freezer. Sorry.
  • Great! Now I can apply for your old job!
  • I know it was you that was always using my coffee cup and leaving it dirty in the sink. You’re trash.
  • I hope your baby doesn’t get your nose! Best wishes!
  • Wait. Which one are you now?

Or sometimes Crissy likes to just go over the top and say something super sappy and nice like:

  • May all the future holds for you bring joy to your heart as you watch all your dreams come true before your very eyes and you ride to work on the back of a Unicorn and shit vanilla ice cream.

People love that one.

Ps: Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who is helping pimp stoogie’s contest. You guys are soooo awesome. And a special thank you to Melissa Lion who’s throwing in a signed copy of each of her books!

The Crissys just found out that their house is on the list of historic homes in Schmuckytown. They sort of knew it was special because when they bought it they found a picture of it in a book called Schmuckytown Historic Architecture or something like that.

While this may seem like exciting news at first and maybe Crissy’s house might get one of those nifty little oval shaped white signs that says something like built in 1920 by Captain Mike Hunt it is actually a big pain in the Crissy’s asses because it means that whatever we do to our house it must be approved by the Historical Preservation Society.

Remember when Mister wanted to put this statue in the front yard?

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Well it means that now some historical dude is going to come by and tell us “No. The Crissys cannot put a large homo-erotic statue of Mister on the front lawn.”

How unreasonable!

And if the Crissys want to paint their house purple with an orange door and giant swastika shaped polka dots all over it, we cannot do that either.

Not historical. Even with the swastikas.

And remember when Crissy and Mister had a sword fight and Crissy had to strap one on and talk man to man with Mister about replacement windows and state loan programs to rid our windows of lead paint that may or may not be giving Girlfriend The Retardation as we speak this very moment?

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Well, we got the report back and it turns out that the Crissy’s dirt is also a lead hazard and we have to get all new dirt now too and they have to dig up Crissy’s wonderful garden. Remember how hard she worked?

And the whole kerfuffle started when we applied for the loan to help us pay for our new windows and it was approved and everything was hunky freakin dory until last night when Mister got that call.

“Bad news Mr. Crissy. Your house is a historic landmark. We have to be in contact with the National Historic Commission before we can proceed with your window replacement project. They will cost twice as much as originally estimated due to the fact that they now need to be in keeping with the historic character of the house. They may decide that we cannot replace them at all, but only repair them since they are original to the house. Also it’s going to take forfuckingever for things to go through all the necessary red tape and bureaucratic bullshit inspections.”

(Crissy added that last part about the red tape and the bullshit)

And it’s not like the Crissys weren’t going to put in windows that go with the house. Of course they were going to! What pisses the Crissys off is that now it’s going to take a lot longer to get things done and some persnickety doucheface is going to put his nose up Crissy’s ass and try to boss Crissy around and

nobody bosses around the Queen of Fucking Everything.

(except Girlfriend)

(and sometimes Mister but only on Very Special Nights)

PS: Go see the lovely and hilarious Ms. Dingo! She’s helping out with Stoogepie’s super contest where you can win $600 worth of awesome stuff and a chance to see Crissy in the nakeds and also she made a really, really funny picture of Crissy that you have got to see!

A $600 prize to see her naked?

Wow.

Um.

Crissy had a post all ready for you for this morning and then she came across Stoogepie’s Naked MILF contest.

And you should all go see because Crissy’s blog is having such naughty sex with Stoogepie’s blog right now that Crissy’s blog doesn’t think she’ll be able to walk after this.

Like, ever again.

You see, it all started a while back when Crissy said on Mister’s blog that if she wins Hottest Mommy Blogger that she would post a naked picture of herself on her blog. And, well, Stoogepie is doing all he can to make sure Crissy makes good on that random thing she said but she doesn’t care because it won’t be the first time she’s been naked on the internet.

Whatever.

It’s just boobies.

Crissy also thinks Stoogie really, really doesn’t want Dooce to win Hottest Mommy Blogger.

Crissy doesn’t either.

Dooce gets everything, Crissy gets nothing.

Crissy wants a turn.

So you all need to go see Stoogepie because he’s offering a prize worth $600 and all you have to do is vote for Crissy for Hottest Mommy Blogger to enter.

Go. GO NOW QUEEFS.

And if you haven’t voted for Crissy, what the fuck is the matter with you? Right now Crissy has only one vote more than the woman who takes pictures of her kid’s lunch box contents and calls it a blog.

Crissy knows she’s hotter than that lady.