At Crissy’s dinner party on Saturday night we were all talking about something Crissy can’t remember because she had two bottles of wine whilst everyone else had their polite single glass of it when she told the following story and everyone laughed.

Or at least she thinks they may have.

She can’t remember for certain if it was everyone or just her, but whatever.

Here goes.

When Crissy was a wee little Crissy of about 13 years old, her grandmother subscribed to Seventeen Magazine for Crissy to read when she visited. And Oh! how Crissy loved it! And she found a mail-in offer to send away for a free sample of perfume. The girl in the picture was so pretty and stylish and she was sitting on some bleachers with a bunch of boys around her all looking very interested in her and the ad said something about feeling fresh and confident all day and Crissy thought “Wow! I want some of that! I want to be confident!”

So she sent away for her free sample and it was this stuff:

And Crissy had never even had her period and her boobies had not yet come in (it should be any day now!) and so how was she to know that Feminine Deodorant Spray was for The Crotch Rot and not a light floral scent to spray about your wrists and neck area and wear to Jr. High?

And Crissy was very proud of herself. She thought she had discovered a new fragrance that the other Jr. high school girls had not.

No Love’s Baby Soft

or Le Jardin for Crissy.

(Do any of you chicks remember dousing yourselves in this shit or is Crissy the oldest one here again?)

Crissy was a real Trend Setter.

And she made sure EVERYBODY knew about it.

“If you smell FDS, it’s me! I’m Shower Fresh!”

she exclaimed loudly as she strutted confidently through the hallowed halls of Schmuckytown Jr. High, smelling like a box of scented tampons.

And Crissy did this for a long, long, time because she remembers sending away for a new sample multiple times until one day she was at the drug store with her grandmother and she came upon a shelf of FDS. Of course she excitedly ran to it to see what other intoxicating scents might be available and as she looked around she noticed something.

Wait.

What?

Why do they keep it next to the tampons and stuff and not in the perfume case with the other perfume?

And then the sun came over the mountain and it dawned on poor little Crissy that she had been spraying herself with crotch spray and bragging all over school about it and her heart just sank and she wanted to die.

Just.

Die.

Lacking any convenient means of suicide, Crissy was forced to sort herself out and she convinced her grandma to buy her a bottle of the Love’s Baby Soft instead and so Crissy was once again socially acceptable.

Well, she tried to be anyway.

She’s still waiting for that to happen too.

Any day now the boobies and the social acceptability will happen.

Crissy is confident.

Saturday morning:

While in the shower getting ready for Dancing Class Part Deux, which went perfectly btw, Girlfriend offered Crissy the following piece of helpful beauty advice:

“Mommy. Your butt is bumpy and rough like Daddy’s face. You need to shave it with some butt cream. A smooth butt is more important than a bumpy one. It’s nicer and more luxurious too.”

Crissy swears her butt is already very, very luxurious and nice and not bumpy and rough like daddy’s face.

Girlfriend has an active imaginary life.

Saturday evening:

Crissy is about to have a dinner party at her house and is taking yet another shower while Mister and Girlfriend are drying off after theirs and Mister is at the vanity toweling away when Girlfriend walks underneath him like a bridge, looks up at his balls, sticks out her tongue and

NEARLY TEA BAGS HER FATHER!!!!!

Crissy sees this horrible, horrible thing about to occur and screams “NOOOOO!!!” and it came out sounding exactly like the slow motion “NOOOOOO!!!!” but that’s okay because Crissy got Girlfriend’s attention and Mister put his leg down and the world was saved.

Again, Crissy saves the day and no parade, no flowers, no media frenzy.

WTF?

Of course, Girlfriend has no idea what tea bagging is and was just doing it because kids are impulsive like that but holy God you guys.

Can you imagine the vodka it would take to wipe that shit out of memory?

They don’t make enough, Queefs.

Crissy realizes that she’s been talking non stop about babies and making babies and bringing them to dancing classes and she did give you guys a respite yesterday when we talked of horsefucking so you’re going to sit through another post about Girlfriend and you’re going to love it because Crissy doesn’t have much else to write about right now.

Well, she does, but it means she has to take pictures of her dying garden and she’s feeling like it not so much right now. It depresses the crap out of her to look at it.

Ahem.

Recently Crissy went to Girlfriend’s preschool orientation and heard about all the rules about snacks brought to school. Every parent is required to bring in 5 snacks per year. These snacks, for 32 precious little ones, must come complete with 32 drinks and 32 cups and 32 plates and 32 napkins and 32 whatever else a person needs to serve the snack. The snacks must be “healthy” and if there is any packaging it must be “earth friendly.” This could get expensive and Crissy thinks maybe she should just buy 32 new BMWs for the children and just be done with it for the year but a BMW is not an appropriate snack and it is probably not earth friendly. So, no.

And if Crissy chooses to make something with her own two wonderful little hands she must submit the recipe to the other parents for approval because god forbid and heavens to myrgatroid we don’t want anyone getting sugar when they’re not supposed to or for FUCK SAKE AND THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS DECENT AND GOOD IN THIS WORLD NO GOD DAMNED NUTS!!!

We don’t want any of the precious ones dying of anaphylactic shock because Crissy sent in cookies and did not submit a recipe for prior parental approval. Crissy swears that if any one of those losers rejects her submitted recipe she will bust balls on them so hard when it’s their turn that all that will be left for them to send in is water and air popped rice.

Crissy is just saying.

So Crissy’s turn is coming up in October and she plans to make Nutless Orange Cranberry Bread and maybe bring in a couple of these juice boxes to go with it:

That’s enough for 32 kids, right?

At first she thought of milk but she’s sure little Enid is lactose intolerant and her mother will bitch and Crissy will have to cram the milk up little Enid’s mom’s butt.

And Crissy thinks that would not be the best way to make friends with the moms at Girlfriend’s school.

See?

Prolly not appropriate.

Might make for awkwardness on field trips…

Wow, well Crissy didn’t know that everyone cared so much about her uterus and it’s potential inhabitants but all the voting and advice has touched her deeply in a very private place.

Thanks Queefs!

But don’t worry all you guys who think Mister isn’t on board with the baby. He is. Crissy just used the words “dead set against” for dramatic effect. Mister and Crissy are usually on the same page with most things but just don’t talk about Replacement Windows, Heating Bills, or Buying Crissy a BMW and we will not have to get the Five-O involved again.

And it’s not just you guys who have been thinking about Crissy. Oh no, no. The emails have been thinking about Crissy and Mister too and they are clearly trying to help them make Sexy Time by sending Crissy’s many suggestions for some very filthy porn to help get Crissy in the mood for some hardcore action.

For example, in the past week Crissy has received the following thoughtful emails:

Warm up your left hand. Get the tissues ready (okay maybe this one is for Mister to do some practice drills)
I know what girls do on a FARM. Do not leave them there lonely.
Does your better half bore you to death? Cheer up!
Schoolgirl aquaintence dwarf
Girls will call you Largissimo!
Huge dick trannies scream orgasm
*SPAM* Blonde Chick Sucking Horse Cock
Do you care about her satisfaction?
Big stiff doggie cock in hot girl tight asshole
She will want to spend a night with you, buddy
Anything you deisre
I am thunderstruck what can people do with females
Huge cock shemales
Wild freaky action in the stable

And Crissy has never seen a huge cock shemale so she clicked on it just for shits and giggles and she found something that she does not understand and she’d show you but the picture was too big and would get you fired for sure so she’ll show you this other thing she found.

Crissy is slightly horrified that this hot chick young blonde girl slut looks a little bit like her and so now she has vowed to stay off the booze and the pills because who knows?

Maybe it is Crissy.

Crissy does not always remember her “adventures.”

So Crissy counted the votes and the “yes! Crissy should have a baby because tales of her vomiting at Target will entertain the Internet” votes are just a little bit ahead of the “Of course Crissy should not have a baby because babies are boring” votes. Sadly, it seems that Mister is on the No side and if you read through the comments from yesterday you’ll see he has devised an elaborate plan involving dipping his balls in scalding hot water to prevent any second babies from happening.

And so it seems Queefs that we are still on the fence about the whole baby or not baby thing. Maybe Crissy will go to the Dollar Depot and purchase a Magic 8 Ball and ask it whether or not she should have a baby.

And if Mister does not cooperate with Crissy she will just have to go to stud and so she will be taking applications for Stud Service. Had she known that Mister would be so dead set against the plan then she would have perhaps propositioned the representative from National Grid who recently came to install a new wireless gas meter to Crissy’s basement natural gas dispensing device thingy.

All Crissy could think about when Brown Sugar was in her basement is the hide-a-bed inside her sofa and how the finished basement room in her house was perfect for shooting naughty Jungle Fever films and he looked very strong and could probably lift her onto the bar and that she’d call the video Crissy and the Chocolate Lovah and Crissy won’t lie to you Queefs. He smelled sweet and spicy and his skin looked smooth and creamy like a Lindt chocolate truffle and Crissy just wanted to lick him up and down and all over and –

Wait.

Crissy forgot what she was talking about…

So aaanyhotblackmaninthebasement, Crissy is still undecided about the baby but she is very glad that most of the Queefs think it’s a good idea because she would never want to do anything that her loyal subjects disapprove of.

Perhaps she’ll just adopt another dog or maybe Angelina Jolie will give her one of her extra babies or perhaps tell Crissy how she can get a little Mexican house boy instead.

She’ll name him Taco and teach him to speak English by reading to him from the Bartender’s Bible.

It’s September Queefs!

And you know what that means?

It’s the time of the year when Crissy and Mister try to decide whether to have another baby or not.

“Why September?” you ask.

Why not September?

And Crissy will be honest with you. Mister is really sitting more on the no fucking way in Hades will I get you pregnant and I’ll chop my balls off right now if you keep asking me about it woman side of the fence and Crissy is sort of straddling the middle where she at times thinks romantically about the baby and then at times remembers that her first baby is a fire monster and does she really want to have two fire monsters?

Nay, nay Queefs.

Nay, nay.

But Crissy isn’t getting any younger and next year Crissy and Mister will very old indeed and be at risk for having a Downsy baby or a baby with some horrifying issue featurable on the Discovery Channel or whatever and even though the Downsy babies seem very sweet and charming and nice and all, the Crissys would rather have a healthy baby who will eventually grow up and disappoint them bitterly get the fuck out of their house.

And also it means that Crissy will have to have Sexy Time when she doesn’t particularly feel like having Sexy Time and she hates that and she could always just go with a Play Through but she doesn’t really want the baby growing up knowing that he or she was conceived while Mommy watched Ghost Hunters and complained that Daddy was bouncing his butt too high and was blocking the tee-vee.

That’s no way to get knocked up. Babies should be conceived in a romantic way during screaming drunken wildness involving approximately 3 midgets and a large black double ended dildo. And the whole thing should be a blur and a month later Crissy should find herself sitting on the side of the bathtub holding a positive pregnancy test and scratching her head because she can’t quite remember how it all went down and she’ll be worried that the baby will be a midget with an incredibly large black penis.

That’s a much better story to tell the baby as it involves people his/her size.

And what will happen to the blog? When will Crissy find time for the blog? Crissy barely has time for it now.

And what about Crissy’s booze and pills? Those judgy doctors frown upon the booze and the pills.

And what about all the cool clothes Crissy just got at Savers? Who will wear the purple Ralph Lauren blazer?

And who will take care of the baby? Certainly not Crissy!

And most importantly, what if the baby comes out not pretty?

So September is a month of negotiations and Crissy is ovulating in a couple of weeks and so we have two weeks to decide if we will make a go of it this month or not but just in case, Crissy is looking for suggestions for some good porn titles.

Particularly ones involving short people (not children, short people).

It seems appropriate for the occasion.

Saturday morning was Girlfriend and Alena’s first tap/jazz combination dancing class.

Girlfriend started out by waking up at 3:30 am and staying up for the rest of the morning.

Here is a picture of her in her dancing outfit having breakfast.

If anyone didn’t believe Crissy when she says Girlfriend is a fire monster, Crissy submits the above photo as evidence.

And here are the girls looking very excited for class to start and getting jiggy with it in their matching outfits

Aren’t they just the sweetest thing?

And here’s Alena breaking it down

And here’s Girlfriend busting a move

And then they get into class and we have this

And this

Girlfriend liked the skipping around the room part…

And then out of nowhere we have this

She did not fall down. She simply decided that dancing sucked balls and threw herself on the floor and Crissy and Mister had to carry a screaming and crying Girlfriend out of the dance studio and bring her home without ever even getting her into her tap shoes.

What happened? Didn’t Girlfriend like the dancing?

Girlfriend had better like the fucking dancing because Crissy spent a lot time and a lot of monies on this project already.

Check it:

Tap shoes: $35
Ballet slippers: $15
Dance outfit: $29.50
Dance class registration fee: $20
Time spent at open house waiting in line (whilst suffering from that monkey disease Crissy had a couple of weeks ago) to register Girlfriend for class: 45 minutes
Trips to dance shoe store 1/2 hour away from home to purchase shoes and return to pick up special order shoes for Girlfriend’s delicate little super narrow tootsies: 2
Telephone calls to dance shoe store to check to see if Girlfriend’s shoes had arrived at the store: 3
Hours spent fantasizing about attending her first dance recital: countless

Girlfriend will be Shirley Temple-ing and Good Ship Lollipop-ing her ass off if Crissy has anything to say about it.

But of course she doesn’t because we all know who the boss is around here and it is certainly not Crissy.

Crissy is Queen of Fucking Everything (Except for Girlfriend).

She should change her title.

As it turned out Girlfriend asked to go to bed as soon as she got home which is so unheard of that Crissy and Mister knew there was something very wrong and then she woke up after a 3 hour nap with a fever of 103 degrees.

Oh.

And now she refuses to go back to the class because “dancing is too stupid!” and so Crissy will have to spend additional monies on a bribe to get Girlfriend to try the class again.

Either that or she will cram herself into that dance outfit and those tap shoes and take the class herself and she will tap circles around those kids!

Oh holy hell Queefs.

Crissy is hanged over today because her brother is in town and even though he does not drink Crissy took it upon herself to drink enough for both of them because she’s a superawesomefantatic sister like that.

And now this morning?

oy.

Crissy would capitalize that but it would hurt her head.

And the hangover is a very bad thing to go into work with because librarians don’t get hangovers (except for the one in rehab getting cured off the Wild Turkey but Crissy is going to venture a guess that she does not plan on getting hangovers anymore) and so there is no sympathy to be had today among the Church Ladies at the li-berry.

They would judge Crissy harshly for her love of The Drink.

And they cannot handle “foul language” either.

Except for Lynne who can roll with a cuntfacecocksuckermotherfucker and that’s why Crissy wants to fuck her loves her so (see Lynn-e? Crissy told you she’d tell the Internets that she’s in love with you!) and also Crissy and Lynne are forced to hide their fucks and their assholes and their douchebags away and speak in Text Message Language when they are around the Church Ladies and it confuses them and they think Crissy and Lynne are strange but what are Crissy and Lynne to do?

WTF?

WTFF?

OMFG!!

And when they hire a New Girl, Crissy and Lynne have a meeting about whether or not the New Girl is “cool” like them or if she is a Church Lady by dropping an S bomb on her at first in conversation with each other and nonchalantly gauging her reaction and then slowly pulling out the heavier artillery until she breaks and her face turns all Church Lady-ish and then via eye contact they decide not to let her into their club.

So far it is still only a club of two with a few people who can “handle” Crissy and Lynne but nobody is as cool as they are so far.

Needless to say Crissy will have a long day at work today and she has to bring Girlfriend in with her because she has no babysitter and she must suffer in silence and know that you fine people feel her hangover pain possibly right along with her on this fine Thursday morning.

Wait.

It’s Friday.

Fine Friday morning.

DAMMIT!

ow. that hurt crissy’s head. no more capitals today okay queefs?

So far this week Crissy has warned the Queefs about The Mutants Who Smell Like Feet at Chuck E. Cheese and the Monkey Breath People at Savers and now she will tell you about the Asshats at the Library.

It shouldn’t come as much surprise to Crissy when she finds icky people at Chuck E’s and Saver’s, but the library should be a place where nice clean people who smell like fresh laundry come to read very sophisticated books about physics and things that Crissy does not understand.

Sadly, not so much.

The library patrons are somewhat cleaner people than the others Crissy encountered last week and this is because people at the library can read (sometimes) and so have successfully followed the directions on the bar of soap, but just because they are clean-ish folks it does not mean that they are smart people or sane people, or normal people.

For example, A Crazy Bat Shit Lady, Crissy thinks she must be in her 70’s somewhere, comes up to the desk. She’s wearing a bad, bad, bad wig that’s on crooked and poorly pinned to her head, a polo shirt that’s 2 sizes too small, enormous gym shorts hiked up underneath her boobs, with black sheer panty hose and white orthopedic sneakers and she carried a handbag sooooo big Crissy could have stuffed her in it and Crissy was certain it was full of those gummy spearmint leaves and lots of peppermints and stuff. And she’s so pleasant and sooooo perky and cheerful that Crissy wants to smack her mouth when she asks her to find a book of wedding quotes so she can write “the perfect thing” in her granddaughter’s wedding card. Awwww…so sweet! So Crissy gives her about 5 books and then she looks at Crissy and says “Jesus Christ! There’s a lot of shit! If I don’t find something in here I’m porked.”

Huh. Didn’t see that one coming.

Not sane.

NEXT!

And then right after Crazy Bat Shit Lady, a delightfully bemulleted Diesel Dyke who looked an awful lot like Jo from Facts of Life without the pleasant smile and the eye liner:

(some of you are way too young to know what The Facts of Life was and that makes Crissy want to go cry in her bowl of fiber cereal a little bit)

came to the desk with guns so big her arms didn’t touch her sides and in James Earl Jones’ voice requests Debbie Macomber’s romance novel, Rainy Day Kisses.

And the request seemed so odd to Crissy that she just sat there for a second struggling to find the meaning of it all before she got up and found the book for Ms. Diesel or Mr. Diesel or whatever.

Apparently everyone has a soft side and then they go pump iron and comb their mullets.

Not normal.

NEXT!

And then there was the bus load of men who are afflicted with The Retardation. They actually don’t bother Crissy at all because they’re really the sweetest creatures in the world and they love their architecture books and their encyclopedias and they are always asking Crissy to help them find them and they ask every single time and you’d think they’d remember where their favorite books are, but no.

It’s like they’re retar…

Oh.

I get it.

Not smart.

Clearly Crissy had quite the weekend with the publicness and had a few moments where she considered barricading herself in her house but then she quickly remembered about the problem she would have getting the vodka and so she decided against it.

For now.

On Saturday night Crissy and Mister took Girlfriend to Chuck E. Cheese for the first time and holy shit you guys. If Savers was crawling with Poor Monkey Breath People, Chuck E. Cheese was loaded with Mutants Who Smell Like Feet .

It was sooooo dirty and stinky that when Crissy picked up a salt shaker to salt her cardboardish pizza IT STUCK TO HER HAND!!!

But Girlfriend had a wonderful time because a three year old’s standards for cleanliness and politeness are far lower than Crissy’s. For example, Girlfriend thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to pick her nose and it’s even okay to pick a friend’s nose every now and again.

Crissy is just glad Girlfriend isn’t one of those handsy in the pantsy kids.

And Crissy didn’t have an entirely bad time because Mister let her use his camera (!) and she was excited to look around and see all of the blog fodderishness and she was able to take a few pictures of some of the Mutants Who Smell Like Feet so that it’s almost like we were all there experiencing it together.

This may provide an excellent means of birth control for those of you who are childless at the moment. Trust me if you have a child you will find yourself in Chuck E. Cheese at some point. You may thank me now for saving you from this fate.

So, without further ado, it’s Crissy’s Chuck E. Cheese Style Achievement Awards!!! or the Mutants Who Smell Like Feet Awards!!!

Ya-ta-da-da-da-da-daaaaaaaa!!!!

Best All Around Muffin Top

Most Creative use of Dollar Store Hair Color

Worlds Largest Tee Shirt and Shorts Combo

The First Pair of Farmer Jeans Worn by Anyone Over the Age of 3 that Crissy Has Seen Since the 90’s and Crissy is Shocked She’s Not Carrying a Teddy Bear Back Pack to Complete the Whole “I Have the Mentality of a Preschooler” Award.

The I’m Too Sexy For My Fucking Tee Shirt Award

Best Use of Most Inappropriate Hat worn to a Children’s Venue

Pretty In Pink with the Shoes to Match Award

The Where the Fuck is Your Mother? Award

And last but not least,

Best Ghetto Whip

Needless to say that when we got home we had to shampoo Girlfriend’s hair with Raid and scrub her body with boiling bleach water and Brillo pads and Crissy is certain that after the swelling and the burning and the redness goes away she’ll be totally fine.

Crissy is certain we will not be able to drive past Chuck E. Cheese without hearing a lot of whining from Girlfriend because she wants to go in and so Crissy is wondering if anyone knows where she can find a bio-hazard suit?

Savers didn’t have any in her size.