I’ll Kill You Twice, Bitch

This weekend Crissy took Girlfriend to dancing class which is going rather well except for the lovely habit girlfriend is in now where she participates and enjoys and then drops to the floor and starts to cry approximately 10 minutes before the class ends and the teacher winds up dancing with Girlfriend on her hip while she puts her hands down the teacher’s shirt.

Crissy thinks this may be an elaborate plan because Girlfriend might be a lezzie.

We’ll see.

And we were waiting for class to begin and Girlfriend was in the play area with another little dancer and she went up to her and very sweetly said “would you like to play with me?” and the Little Cuntbitch looked her up and down, put a puss on her face and was all “No. I’m here to dance.

And Crissy’s heart broke into a thousandy million tiny pieces as Little Cuntbitch’s mommy giggled like “oh aren’t they sweet?” and looked on with pride as if her kid didn’t just snub my kid and Crissy wanted to pull her greasy fucking pony tail right off her head and beat her with it. Crissy thought about making a comment to Little Cuntbitch’s mommy like “nice sweatpants, cow. I’m going to kill you now.” but she wants to set a good example for Girlfriend and so entertained homicidal fantasies in her head as is proper behavior for a mom at dance class with her daughter. Crissy is pretty sure she made the right choice. Also, Michele and Alena weren’t there yet for backup and Crissy was not sure how many of the other mommies were friends with Little Cuntbitch’s mommy.

Crissy would have played out the violence in her head with her Barbies for you but she just now thought of it.


Maybe for tomorrow.

And Girlfriend seemed totally unphased by it but can Crissy get real with you Queefs for a moment?

It brought Crissy right back to her formative years when Crissy was a wee little Crissy and had the misfortune of being a lowly teacher’s daughter in a town full of rich assholes whose children excluded her and made fun of her because her clothes weren’t Jet Set or Esprit or Liz Claiborne and her mom drove this:

instead of this:

And we didn’t go on vacations to Bermuda or Hawaii. We took picnics to the park and the zoo for our vacations.

And Crissy had only one other little kid who would play with her because Puttin’ on the Ritz (that’s what the Mean Girl gang called themselves) didn’t like her either because her dad was a teacher too and her mom had a beat up old Volkswagen Rabbit and she had 8 brothers and sisters and wore hand me downs and smelled like cabbage.

Oh how Puttin’ on the Ritz made Crissy’s childhood painful. And Crissy took it all like a bitch because she didn’t know how to handle a bully and instead was always trying to get out of school with multiple fake illnesses because she didn’t want to face the mean girls.



And Crissy knows this isn’t the only time some little twat is going to be mean to Girlfriend and so Crissy is just thinking of taking her out of dancing class and putting her in Ninjutsu class instead because fuck the dumb shit.

Girlfriend should be kicking ass and asking questions later.

How long do you Queefs figure it will take for Girlfriend to become a Ninja?

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  1. I don’t have children of my own, but just reading about another kid snubbing another one makes my heart burn with the anger of a thousand suns. No joke, and then when the mom laughed? OMG, I think I might have started crying. Cause that’s what I do when I’m mad. And I was a complete dorkbutt growing up myself. Too bad those jock boys don’t know what they’re missing now….

  2. No doubt that Girlfriend will need to defend herself from a multitude of verbal abuse in her formative years; simply because kids are CRUEL; so, my advice would be karate class, assertiveness training and maybe even pint-size pepper spray.

  3. Dude, why do you think I stuck Diana in karate, she’s gonna f*ck up some cheerleaders!! Hell I’m taking the class too so that I can go back to my 10 year reunion and beat the shit out of all the mean girls I went to school with;

    “Rachel, you look great!”
    “Did you just hit me in the boob?!”

  4. Oh! I blogged about lezzies too! And when kids are shits to Archie, I tell him. I say, that kid is a little shit. And then I tell Arch to give me his toys and I put them in my bag and tell Arch he doesn’t have to share anything with little assclowns. No kidding.

  5. I feel your pain, Crissy. I got sent to boarding school for three years (which was why there was no money for me to go to COLLEGE) and my mom was a secretary and my stepfather was a teacher and they drove a VW Bug that was (I shit you not) held together with bungee cords and duct tape so imagine my mortification on Parent’s Weekend when everyone’s parents came in limos and caddies and my folks rolled up like freakin’ Ma & Pa Kettle.

    The only problem with trainin’ your kid to be a ninja is then when you don’t buy cookies for them in the grocery store they break your kneecaps and throw the cookies in the cart anyhow. So… be careful what you wish for.

  6. Please please tell me you made up the Puttin’ On The Ritz part? I just don’t want to live in a world where stupid rich girls named there cliques – that’s only supposed to happen at Sweet Valley High.

    At least the rich girl gang at my school had a name that made sense: The Bitches. They were proud of their bitch status.

  7. i once did a tap dance routine to putting on the ritz while i was a child. we totally didn’t start a gang though.

    i think you should start a modern day one call “superman dat ho”

  8. I just to pause and applaud your self control. B/c had it been me, snarky mom would have had a ballet shoe so far up her ass she’d have to sneeze it out.

    I may have some anger issues.

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