Kick you in the Crotch and Spit Down your Neck Fantastic!

The lovely people at Coach know that Crissy loves her fun and colorful mommy purses and so whenever they have a new fabulousness coming out they shoot her an email because they know it will make her hate her life by showing her another beauteous thing she cannot have. And it makes them feel very happy and superior and snotty.

And here is the latest.

It’s the Sabrina bag from the new Madison collection and it’s only $358.

It’s practically free when you think about it.

And Crissy likey.

Crissy wanty.

Crissy whines but Mister no buy-y no matter how much Crissy promises the suck-y fuck-y.

He just goes on and on about oil and food and something about winter and tits freezing off and Crissy puts her fingers in her ears and shouts “lalalalalalalalala! I can’t hear you boring man!”


You Queefs know how much Crissy loves her bags don’t you?

Remember this one?


And how much Crissy loved it?

And do you know what Crissy found in that dark abyss when she cleaned it out yesterday Queefs?
Well, she will tell you because Crissy finds her purse contents fascinating.

  • 1 umbrella
  • wallet containing receipts but no money.
  • coupon organizer with no coupons in it because Crissy can never remember to bring them.
  • Life organizer with like three things written in it from January when Crissy swore she would become someone who is organized and writes her appointments down in a calendar instead of on scraps of paper which promptly get lost and leave Crissy apologizing to Dr. office staff personnel for missing the appointment and please do not charge her $25 for being a moron.
  • (ahem…)

  • kleenex
  • Sally beauty supply membership card
  • ginger candy she put in her bag for her pregnant friend Jennifer to help with the puking but Jennifer had the baby already (it’s a BOY!) and Crissy never got it to her. Maybe next time.
  • one plastic tube thing of honey
  • one partially eaten strawberry Cow’s Tail
  • 2 lipsticks. I Mary Kay lipstick in Shell down to a tiny nub (Hi Rachel! Consider this my order for more Shell)
  • 1 sample size tube of concealer because you never know when you’re going to have to conceal a gun or a knife or an eight ball of coke or something.
  • keys. duh.
  • sunglasses. double duh.
  • 1 grape Fruitabu
  • gum. Crissy has a very serious gum addiction
  • 3 pens including one with a frog wearing boxing gloves and when you press the buttons he punches you.
  • Princess Jasmine panties
  • Old navy khaki shorts size 3T
  • one hair elastic
  • one hair clip
  • One My Little Pony
  • Chuck E. Cheese tokens
  • 16 gum wrappers
  • unidentifiable dirt like substance

And so what if Crissy treats her purse like a dumpster?

If she had her new Sabrina bag she wouldn’t do that.

She swears it.

So you guys are going to chip in and get it for her right?

If everyone donates a dollar, and Crissy has more readers than 358 every day so not everyone would have to (Crissy is looking at YOU, Cheapy Cheapingtons. She bets you haven’t voted yet either), then she could have her Sabrina and everyone would be happy.


huh? HUH???

Who’s with Crissy?



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  1. Okay, A) That purse is fabulous! It’s amazing and incredible and I love it and Mister should TOTALLY let you get it. Christmas comes early this year, right? And B) I am IMPRESSED with how much crap you fit in your purse. I strive to have that much in a purse some day.

  2. Sorry, this schtick doesn’t work. I’ve already tried. No donataions AT ALL for my fabulous Ritz Carlton love fest for my 21st anniversary.

    If folks aren’t romantic enough to be down with the Ritz, then a purse won’t work either.

    Hey, the Lake of the Ozarks has a Coach factory outlet…..maybe you can call them up to see if they have a factory reject of the same purse?

    Oh who am I kidding…I stepped in that store ONE FREAKING TIME and vowed to never return……Tell me WTF kind of outlet store has only like 15 purses displayed? Huh? Like a boutique in NYC or something…..all back lit, and prices HIDDEN so the 1990’s t-shirt wearing, frumpy shorts wearing PERFECTLY couldn’t tell right off how much stuff was. I went straight for the clearance rack (I’m not stupid, it is COACH after all) and found the CLEARANCE bags (that were ugly) were STILL $248—and wallets? They were a mere $115 (for the small ones), so I left in a hurry. \

    The Perfectly’s can’t pay that much for used cow hide, either. Except, I,too WANT ONE….OR FIFTY…….

  3. Isn’t it amazing what we can fit into purses? I’m sure you’ve got more in there.

    And yes, I totally think the Mister should get you the purse. After all, you work so hard all day and all night. You totally deserve it!!!

  4. I heart purple – it’s so much my favoritist color. I’m not much of a girlie girl who collects bags or shoes and whatnot, but I do heart this purple bag much. I asked MY MISTER to come see it and he said “so order it.” Then I told him the price and he goes “that’s fine – but it’s your birthday, Christmas, Valentine’s, and Anniversary for this year and probably next.” That’s just not acceptable. I need lots of attention and therefore, lots of gifts!!! So I will donate a dollar so that at least one of us gets that purply sparkly smooth yummie bag, okay? Just make sure you take lots of pictures when you get it.

  5. $358 for some suck-y fuck-y? Sounds like a deal to me.

    I have a habit of saving receipts in my wallet until it gets GINORMOUS and I feel rich with a fat wallet, until I look inside and and see no money.

  6. If I could comment with an audible silence…I would.



    Done. If I’m not making money off my blog, I’ll be damned if anyone else is! Now…if you offered the suck-y fuck-y, it would be a different story.

  7. I tried carrying a smaller bag at one point to stop the garbage dump, but then I got tired of cleaning it out all the time, so now I have le bag. No purse. Just a big, big bag. You never know when you’re going to need clean panties after all.

  8. You and I are sisters.
    I <3 bags.
    Boyfriend made me send some of mine to “Goodwill” because they were “taking up too much space” and “why do I need so many bags”

    I promptly asked him why he needs balls.

    Same thing.

    Also, I got the same e-mail about the Madison collection – and sent it to family and friends asking for donations. Sigh.

  9. The don’t have a DSW for coach bags, but they have ebay. My sister is also obsessed with coach bags and when she’s not getting them as presents for giving birth she’s buying them off ebay.

    Also, be careful with that tube thing of honey – the worst day of my life was when a tube thing of honey I had in my favorite purse exploded over everything. It was horrible. HORRIBLE.

  10. I’ve been pursing shopping and basically I fall in love with something, look at the price, die a little inside, and go back to my Target bag.

    I wished you we lived by each other so that we could buy one purse together and work out some sort of custody agreement.

    But oh well, I’ll help you out anyways

    *clicks ads*

  11. we apologize for the inconvenience, but in light of recent budgetary constraints the purchasing department has put a temporary freeze on any and all non-essential goods and services.

    the buildings and grounds department will be working to generate additional revenue by means of growing “special plants” which can be sold at a considerable profit margin.

    additionally, the graphic arts department will be looking at ways to supplement income via image creation/distribution channels of adult-oriented subject matter.

    your complete cooperation during this difficult time is appreciated.

    -the management

  12. I want some suck-y fuck-y. That’s really all I have to say.

    Oh, and I’ll donate to get it. You should put a link up that clicks through to paypal or something that says “Buy Crissy a purse and get some suck-y fuck-y.”

    I’m in to buy some special plant harvest and some adult-oriented artistry, too.

  13. I am not one for shoes, but purses…oh HELL to the YEAH! And that one is a BEAUTY. So, even though I am jobless and am facing winter in the 40 below frozen tundra with no boots and a 14 year old coat which has a HUGE rip in it (to the point that it cannot even be sewn up anymore), I’m in for a buck.

    I have an idea, too… Crissy can run Woodland Gay safaris. Lie in wait by the Miracle Tree with Mister in short shorts and a mesh muscle shirt and get pictures of the Woodland Gays in their natural habitat! And Crissy, if you decide you NEED a “miracle leaf”, do wear gloves and put it into a baggie. You can’t be too careful with miracle leaves!

  14. You’re onto something here. I say, get a group of 12 people. And each month you donate $25 into the pot. And each person takes home the pot once a year. $25 * 12 = $274. And we can then go treat ourselves to something nice.

    And yes, I see your purse costs a little more than that. But, surely your husband would cover the rest. I mean, he does want to have sex before he turns 60, right?

  15. So I don’t know if this helps, but I did buy a purse for like $30 from one of those bootleg purse house parties where the police might raid, and it was fabulous, I carried it around in my hard-on-purses, book-stashing, toss-it-on-the-ground-at-the-bar ways for a long time, and it looked really good. You know, that’s how I attracted one of my gay friends, he said he loved my louis. Two birds with one stone?

  16. and does that mean that the Pimp is not purchasing any tube amps, photography stuff, or anything Subaru-ey until said “difficult time” is over?

    If not, then as your bff, I say–buy the bag and let it be your Christmas, New Year’s, Arbor Day, Birthday and any other day gift for the year.

    That way you get what you want! 🙂

  17. Every time I think of Coach, I’m reminded of the last time I perused the Coach store’s clearace shelf at Wrentham Outlets. I found the sweetest bag, perfect for spring/summer. I pulled the bag from the shelf after seeing the price was fabulous. Then it was gone. Yes. Gone. Pulled from my hand by a some chick who is lucky to be alive. I was quick to point out to her I had that bag in my hands. “No you didn’t” she repied. Um? WHAT!!!!!. I told her in no uncertain terms what a clown shoe she was. Then I had to walk away or I was sure to be arrested.

  18. That purple bag does look conciderably smaller than the blue one. Which of course makes for more interesting photo ops. Maybe your Pimp can figure out a way to work it as an investment in his Graphic Arts Dept. I’ll refer you to my personal finance advisor so the two can discuss the feasability.

  19. Pingback: Finally! | Crissy
  20. @Crissy’s Pimp: You are so right! If she gets that bag, the pictures of the QOFE posing with the bag will need to have some epic suck-y fuck-y in them, because she won’t be finished with the suck-y fuck-y for some time.

  21. @Crissy’s Pimp: You’re right! Although you have a dick, POV shots could never, ever work for quality stills.

    I have a dick that I am willing to lend to the cause but, unfortunately, I have no bags on my person.

    Too bad. This is such a very worthwhile cause!

  22. I find it rather amusing that you’re downstairs and I’m upstairs and we’re having a conversation about a threesome in my comments section.

    Modern Romance.

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