The Woodland Gays

On Sunday Crissy and Mister took Girlfriend and Alice for a walk at Schmuckytown Woods and it was rather enjoyable even though Girlfriend is slower than a bag of turtles and Crissy had to keep stopping to make sure she hadn’t fallen into a gully or a ravine or a cavern or anything.

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And we came across a Miracle Tree and some very interesting horsey poo but Crissy will tell you about that later because as much fun as the Miracle tree and the horsey poo was, nothing can compare to the other magical thing the Crissys found during their walk.

The Crissy’s discovered that it was the perfect sort of day to catch sight of the fascinating creatures called the Woodland Gays in their natural habitat.

And they didn’t even need their binoculars because all they had to do was walk along the trails to encounter the badly dressed out of shape middle aged married men walking alone along the trails carrying backpacks full of gay porn, kleenex, condoms and lube and there you have a Woodland Gay.

You can also identify them by their mating call which sounds an awful lot like the Woot! Woot! Disco Call made famous in discotheques and gay bars the world over.

And one must be careful not to go too deeply into the woods because you do not want to disturb the Woodland Gays during their mating ritual.

They are shy creatures and sometimes prefer to hide behind trees and peek out at you.

Here’s one such fellow now.

(This picture is not from yesterday)

And the Woodland Gays, if on a trail and confronted directly with recreating families like the Crissys, will not make eye contact and say “good afternoon” because they know that you know what they’re really there for and it ain’t a nice hike in the fresh Schmuckytown Woods air.

They’re looking for a whole ‘nuther type of adventure.

They don’t want you to know that they know you know that they know that you know and they know and everyone knows.

Or something.

And so everyone pretends that the Woodland Gays aren’t.

But they so. are.

And when Crissy sees them she wants to shout “Tell your wife you’re gay! She’s probably sick of you anyway!” And also Crissy would set up a booth in the woods and interview potential gay bffs but she has a feeling the Woodland Gays are not the type of gays that will help her pick out a pair of pants that make her ass look wonderful.

PS: All you bloggers who have not pimped the stoogepie sweepstakes (which, btw has grown a bit and is now worth about $1,200!) must report to stoogie to learn about the nude MILF Pimp Prize because he has an $800 camera for one lucky blogger to win. Your odds are pretty damn good since so far we have Chris, Maxie, Ben, Adminerella, My stupid husband, MelissaDingo, and Rachel M.. So pimp this shit and you have a really strong chance at getting something out of it. You also have to let stoogie know you did it because he’s not God you know. Close, but no.

PPS: Right now three fucking MEN are beating Crissy for Hottest Mommy Blogger and it goes up Crissy’s bum sideways. Crissy will consider it a great victory to at least hand their hairy asses to them.

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27 comments

  1. Hey, we have Woodland Gays here too!! Sometimes the newspaper, when it’s lacking stories, sends their photographers out to get photos of the elusive creatures. They try to make them look like mugshots! It’s very creative,

    We’ve even recognized some as PARENTS of my kids friends…..it’s so CUTE!!!

  2. Secret gays are not of the same breed as the fun, best friend gays. Secret gays will make you wait in the parking lot for wooded trails while they towel off whereas the best friend gays will towel you off when you lose in a fight against overzealous moisturizer pumps.

  3. Maybe if you enticed the Woodland Gays with breadcrumbs, mesh tank tops, or 1960s running shorts with the white stripes up the sides into voting for you, we could wrap this Hottest Mommy Blogger thing up a month early. Oh wait!! No! The Woodland Gays would vote for the three hairy ass NOT Hottest Mommy Bloggers, wouldn’t they? Damn. Oh well, when you win the Blogger’s Choice Award, maybe they can make you a nice sash.

  4. I can’t even stumble upon gays…though I am pretty bad at spotting them. Unless they are wearing a boa, daisy dukes and drinking an appletini I won’t figure it out.

    BTW you have been pimped at my site

  5. at least you know you won’t be accosted if you and girlfriend decide to go for a walk in the woods.

    me, on the other hand… well, i’ve always been gay-bait!

    i totally need to hide on the side of a trail with a long lens and try to snag some of these elusive creatures in their natural wild habitat.

  6. I think it’s a bit to urban for the Woodland Gays over in my parts. Haven’t spotted any.

    And how the hell are three men beating you for Hottest Mommy Blogger???!!

  7. Shelly- Oh that’s terrible! Those newspaper people are always trying to make a scandal out of things. It just is what it is.

    Maxie- But no trouser snakes, huh? Too bad.

    Ben- See? I knew they were totally different.

    Dingo- Oooooo…Maybe!

    Rachel M.- These guys hide it pretty well, but you’d figure it out even if they’re not the appletini type. Thanks for the pimpage.

    Neth- Bring your rape whistle.

    Marie- I KNOW!!! It’s an outrage!!!

  8. Stealthnerd- Certainly not those three guys!

    Saratogajean- And insurance doesn’t cover accidents involvoing Woodland Gays either.

    Chris- It’s magical!

    Matt- Thank you for voting! Now pimp it on your blog for more fabulous prizes!

  9. Here in the city we have woodland gays as well. However, because there is not all that much by way of woods, they often find themselves trapped in airport bathrooms and similar non-wooded places. Some think this is sad, but I think they bring their own woody goodness to the big city.

  10. Hmmm, must be too cold in my part of the country for the Woodland Gays. But, at the time I was out in the woods the most in my life, I was lookin’ for places to do the wild thing my own self, so they may have been lurking and I didn’t notice. But we never saw furry woodland critters, either… perhaps they’d been traumatized by encounters with the Woodland Gays…? Or perhaps, somehow INSPIRED?

  11. Badly dressed and out of shape? Seems like that takes all the fun out of being gay.
    And I voted. Not because I was bribed with the possibility of gifts, but I finally got up the energy to register to do it.

  12. Woodland gays? SO not as much fun as Gay Boyfriend. I love Gay Boyfriend, he even ironed my shirts yesterday because apparently I don’t do it right. hehehe. The Gays are all out of the woods at our house. And if a Woodland Gay comes over, they’re out of the woods in a jiffy. Hands down. The pants.

  13. OH yes, you should take pictures and show us what Woodland Gays look like. We don’t have woodlands here, and not much wood, so I have no idea.
    And the other thing? I’m sure your ass looks great whatever it’s wearing, or not, but Crissy’s Pimp probably is the expert in that.

  14. Your blog is so informative. I never knew about the woodland gays, but I am so going for a walk in the woods across from my house later and search for them. I will try to get incriminating pictures.

  15. I voted for you, too! Douche or whatever the hell she’s called looks a little too hard and angry to be hot in my estimation. And the prairie woman is pretty, but more wholesome than hot. And as for the rest – I couldn’t really find photos of them to compare, but I’m sure I don’t need to. Your dancing alone would qualify you for hottest!

    BTW, there’s a playground over near Lincoln School in Providence that backs up onto the woods near the river. I used to go there when the kids were little and it was funny hearing the moms discuss how they explained the “guys that were going into the woods for a date” to their young ‘uns!

  16. my gaydar always spot the gays. it’ll like beep beep beep beep. they can’t hide from me.

    and i don’t believe how many votes you have now!!! i voted when it was at like 50! go crissy!

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