Best Wishes. We’ll Miss You. Go Fuck Yourself.

Crissy doesn’t know about you Queefs, but she never knows what to write in cards passed around the office by the Sunshine Committee (Hi Lynne!).

Someone is always leaving or graduating or dying or popping out a kid or somefuckingthing and everyone is expected to sign some lame, happy horseshit card with teddy bears on it for someone they have interacted with for approximately 10.5 seconds during the past 2 years of working together. And nobody knows what to write so they all say either one of four things:

  • Best Wishes
  • Good Luck
  • We’ll Miss You!
  • Don’t Forget to Visit Us!!!

Or some people like to get fancy and say all three things together.

  • Best Wishes! Good Luck! We’ll Miss You! Come Visit!!!

Some of the more creative folks will write

  • Boo. You’re leaving us. We’re sad now.

Crissy does not like to follow the crowd and she prefers to write something funny, but it always comes out sounding perverse and or rude instead.


For example:

  • Hope you don’t die during your long commute to your new job!
  • I heard you got fired.
  • You were stupid anyway.
  • Congratulations on your graduation! Try not to get fat (or pregnant) Freshman year at college!
  • Good Luck with rehab! Hope you make it this time!
  • You’re quitting your job to become a train conductor? Really? (that actually happened!)
  • I don’t know you. I don’t care you’re leaving.
  • Now that you’re leaving it’s safe to tell you it was me that ate your last veggie burger that you had in the freezer. Sorry.
  • Great! Now I can apply for your old job!
  • I know it was you that was always using my coffee cup and leaving it dirty in the sink. You’re trash.
  • I hope your baby doesn’t get your nose! Best wishes!
  • Wait. Which one are you now?

Or sometimes Crissy likes to just go over the top and say something super sappy and nice like:

  • May all the future holds for you bring joy to your heart as you watch all your dreams come true before your very eyes and you ride to work on the back of a Unicorn and shit vanilla ice cream.

People love that one.

Ps: Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who is helping pimp stoogie’s contest. You guys are soooo awesome. And a special thank you to Melissa Lion who’s throwing in a signed copy of each of her books!

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  1. do the cards really mean anything to the people who get them?

    is it just another mechanical ritual we go through to make ourselves feel better for not giving that person the time of day for however many years of working together?

    so much of our society is saccharine.

  2. Today is Adminderella’s last day at her contract job (that she was PROMISED would last til the end of the year every time she mentioned looking for a new job). Adminderella did not want any stupid card from people who treated her crappy because she was “just a contractor” so she asked Ms. Bosswoman to not open her piehole. However, Adminderella is guessing that at the department meeting that she did not drag her ass out of bed early for, Ms. Bosswoman is opening her piehole and Adminderella will have to answer questions all day. A pox on that. Perhaps I will tell them I will be riding Unicorns and Shitting Strawberry Ice Cream (cuz I don’t want to TOTALLY rip off Crissy)!!

  3. I’m totally stealing all of these ideas – we have a Sunshine Fund who passes around a card for everything – my dog’s toenails were cut today and he bled a little! YAY let’s celebrate. And for a group of sedentary governmental employees, we sure eat for everything too. Johnny found a job working with real people making more money. YAY let’s eat our weight in donut holes!

  4. I usually put something like, “I will miss you. You gave the best blowjobs.” Or, “Oh no! Does this make me the stupidest one in the office?!?” Or, “This is fine. Please CC me on the final draft.”

    @deutlich: If you voted, you entered the contest! You may win a camera whether you like it or not!

  5. What Stoogie said. I can’t think of anything better than that.

    I hate those stupid cards and also I hate not knowing who to give it to next and if you ask around no one seems to know or cares to help you in any way so I end up just leaving it on the copier or something.

  6. This is fine. Please CC me on the final draft.

    ^^^instant fucking classic!

    i am a little jaded, ben. a big part of it is that i’ve still got this goddamned cold hanging around and i’m DONE with it. i know i’m really sick because i can barely get an erection.

    yesterday on the way home from work while in a cold-medication induced stupor i bumped into a woman in front of me. no damage to her old beater–she laughed it off and said don’t worry about it. well, at least that’s one good thing. however, the damage to MY car was right on the leading edge of the hood, and on a wrx the hood is aluminum, and rather expensive new. so now i’ve got to hunt around for a used one, which is not that big of a deal, but still a huge pain in the ass. i just can’t have a perfect car for longer than a week. i’ve got to make sure i can CLOSE the hood before i pop it open.

    blah blah blah, bitch moan gripe.

    what would really perk me up is honing my photographic chops using my delectable wife as a model. it might even give me a chubby.

  7. Wait. I also had someone quit to be a train conductor. What I should have written on her card was, please don’t call me once a year to tell me how hard you tried to be my friend but I’m so defensive you couldn’t figure out how to get close to me. Did your train conductor do that too?

  8. Too funny. I got two cards on my desk yesterday for people I don’t even know. I’ve taken to copying other people’s comments even if they’re personalized and just making my handwriting bad so it’s semi-unreadable. But in the future I’m writing the unicorn line on every card I receive.

  9. I hate the baby showers. I like to write, “I guess this means that you are going to be bailing out of the office early every day leaving me with all of your unfinished work.”

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