Crissy doesn’t know about you Queefs, but she never knows what to write in cards passed around the office by the Sunshine Committee (Hi Lynne!).
Someone is always leaving or graduating or dying or popping out a kid or somefuckingthing and everyone is expected to sign some lame, happy horseshit card with teddy bears on it for someone they have interacted with for approximately 10.5 seconds during the past 2 years of working together. And nobody knows what to write so they all say either one of four things:
- Best Wishes
- Good Luck
- We’ll Miss You!
- Don’t Forget to Visit Us!!!
Or some people like to get fancy and say all three things together.
- Best Wishes! Good Luck! We’ll Miss You! Come Visit!!!
Some of the more creative folks will write
- Boo. You’re leaving us. We’re sad now.
Crissy does not like to follow the crowd and she prefers to write something funny, but it always comes out sounding perverse and or rude instead.
- Hope you don’t die during your long commute to your new job!
- I heard you got fired.
- You were stupid anyway.
- Congratulations on your graduation! Try not to get fat (or pregnant) Freshman year at college!
- Good Luck with rehab! Hope you make it this time!
- You’re quitting your job to become a train conductor? Really? (that actually happened!)
- I don’t know you. I don’t care you’re leaving.
- Now that you’re leaving it’s safe to tell you it was me that ate your last veggie burger that you had in the freezer. Sorry.
- Great! Now I can apply for your old job!
- I know it was you that was always using my coffee cup and leaving it dirty in the sink. You’re trash.
- I hope your baby doesn’t get your nose! Best wishes!
- Wait. Which one are you now?
Or sometimes Crissy likes to just go over the top and say something super sappy and nice like:
- May all the future holds for you bring joy to your heart as you watch all your dreams come true before your very eyes and you ride to work on the back of a Unicorn and shit vanilla ice cream.
People love that one.
Ps: Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who is helping pimp stoogie’s contest. You guys are soooo awesome. And a special thank you to Melissa Lion who’s throwing in a signed copy of each of her books!
- Summer of ’69
- All about the Tee-Vee and how I know nothing about it except it makes me go night-nights
- If You’re Good At Sports, Crissy Hates You.
- The plight of the boobie
- Gobble, gobble, WHAT’S THAT SMELL?