Our House is a Very, Very, Very Fine House

The Crissys just found out that their house is on the list of historic homes in Schmuckytown. They sort of knew it was special because when they bought it they found a picture of it in a book called Schmuckytown Historic Architecture or something like that.

While this may seem like exciting news at first and maybe Crissy’s house might get one of those nifty little oval shaped white signs that says something like built in 1920 by Captain Mike Hunt it is actually a big pain in the Crissy’s asses because it means that whatever we do to our house it must be approved by the Historical Preservation Society.

Remember when Mister wanted to put this statue in the front yard?


Well it means that now some historical dude is going to come by and tell us “No. The Crissys cannot put a large homo-erotic statue of Mister on the front lawn.”

How unreasonable!

And if the Crissys want to paint their house purple with an orange door and giant swastika shaped polka dots all over it, we cannot do that either.

Not historical. Even with the swastikas.

And remember when Crissy and Mister had a sword fight and Crissy had to strap one on and talk man to man with Mister about replacement windows and state loan programs to rid our windows of lead paint that may or may not be giving Girlfriend The Retardation as we speak this very moment?


Well, we got the report back and it turns out that the Crissy’s dirt is also a lead hazard and we have to get all new dirt now too and they have to dig up Crissy’s wonderful garden. Remember how hard she worked?

And the whole kerfuffle started when we applied for the loan to help us pay for our new windows and it was approved and everything was hunky freakin dory until last night when Mister got that call.

“Bad news Mr. Crissy. Your house is a historic landmark. We have to be in contact with the National Historic Commission before we can proceed with your window replacement project. They will cost twice as much as originally estimated due to the fact that they now need to be in keeping with the historic character of the house. They may decide that we cannot replace them at all, but only repair them since they are original to the house. Also it’s going to take forfuckingever for things to go through all the necessary red tape and bureaucratic bullshit inspections.”

(Crissy added that last part about the red tape and the bullshit)

And it’s not like the Crissys weren’t going to put in windows that go with the house. Of course they were going to! What pisses the Crissys off is that now it’s going to take a lot longer to get things done and some persnickety doucheface is going to put his nose up Crissy’s ass and try to boss Crissy around and

nobody bosses around the Queen of Fucking Everything.

(except Girlfriend)

(and sometimes Mister but only on Very Special Nights)

PS: Go see the lovely and hilarious Ms. Dingo! She’s helping out with Stoogepie’s super contest where you can win $600 worth of awesome stuff and a chance to see Crissy in the nakeds and also she made a really, really funny picture of Crissy that you have got to see!

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  1. Suggest that perhaps you fit your kid with a face guard to stop her nibbling on the window sills until such time that the bureaucrats get their fingers out of their arses and learn to sign their names.

  2. You are so going to win hottest mom blogger… only 2 more votes and you’ll be on the front page. People better get out and vote for your ass!

    You should probably throw a baseball through the window… they can’t stop you from replacing it then.

  3. This post had too many pictures and videos that combined created a supergallactic vacuum of awesomeness that blew my mind with visual overstimulation.

    I think about seven of those words were made up.

  4. Historical houses and the people in charge of them suck. My college was built in the middle of the town’s super stuck-up historical district. The people there thought that they were so important that they wouldn’t stop for us when we crossed the street. The college actually had to put a stop light up (a historical looking one mind you) because so many students were getting hit by cars.

    True story

  5. You can get Frank to help you dig up the garden from the look Girlfriend is giving you as she dodges your dirt shower, you might need some help with that.

    You wouldn’t mind if I wrote to the historic society and said that the historic character of the house deserves historic period costumes as well, would you? You could be on the tour of homes and whatnot.

    Thanks for the shout out! You so deserve to win and I can’t wait to see your boobies!

  6. I swear if you strap it on with the bureocratic douchface, you’ll get the windows done faster. Either that or they’ll evict you for your inappropriateness…

  7. Looking at the picture, I think you better remove that air conditioner from the window, it is not historic. And that car? It might be, but it doesn’t belong there, too new, maybe a horse and buggy would be appropriate.
    Thanks for posting the gardening shot again – I just love the end when she zips by looking at you (yes, good thing you weren’t a few seconds slower in throwing the dirt) with her pink Crocs.
    Sorry for trying to tell you what to do, but my nose isn’t brown enough yet.

  8. Adminderella had the lead dusty windows in an apartment she lived in and they came and put in special anti-lead dust window guards or some such nonsense. But then they ordered Adminderella to take The Girl in to have blood drawn about every 6 weeks to make sure she was not going to get The Lead Related Retardation. First draw did show an elevated lead level but the second one was normal as was the third and they wanted us to keep up the vampire thing every six weeks for a YEAR and Adminderella had to put her foot down and tell them that they had enough vials of The Girl’s blood and she was not suffering from The Retardation and they could just knock it off, thankyouverymuch.

    Bummer about the Mister statue and the new dirt, too. I am thinking you could have sold tickets for people to get their picture taken with the statue that would pay for the new dirt. And if you have lead filled dirt, does that mean Frank might suffer from The Retardation?

  9. Aw that’s just crap! Did you tell that was crap?! If I ever buy a place, I’ll make sure it is super new so I can do whateverthehell I want with it and not have to deal with a “persnickety doucheface.”

  10. That sucks. I’m curious how this new dirt situation works. Like the first 6 inches, or 6 feet? Maybe the new dirt will be awesome compost for a super garden recovery? We are talking about gardening here, right?

  11. My mind is blown from this entry.

    I think I would like to drink martinis and garden in tiaras with you. I can be Princess of Almost Everything (Well At Least Here In Chicago). I mean, the Windy City does need someone to worship, right?

  12. You look so fabulous with a strap-on!

    You know, take it from someone who knows, The Retardation is not all that bad. Maybe all of this is more trouble than it is worth. I mean, I did not even know there were people out there making brand new dirt.

    Can you get the loan anyway and just spend it on drugs or something?

  13. On the bright side you can put in an old bed and say, George Washington slept here.

    With your great great great great great great great great Grandma.


  14. That’s annoying. I mean, it’s neat that your house is historic, but ugh the pain of getting windows.

    On the plus side, that video of you and the garden was fantastic!

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