At Crissy’s dinner party on Saturday night we were all talking about something Crissy can’t remember because she had two bottles of wine whilst everyone else had their polite single glass of it when she told the following story and everyone laughed.
Or at least she thinks they may have.
She can’t remember for certain if it was everyone or just her, but whatever.
When Crissy was a wee little Crissy of about 13 years old, her grandmother subscribed to Seventeen Magazine for Crissy to read when she visited. And Oh! how Crissy loved it! And she found a mail-in offer to send away for a free sample of perfume. The girl in the picture was so pretty and stylish and she was sitting on some bleachers with a bunch of boys around her all looking very interested in her and the ad said something about feeling fresh and confident all day and Crissy thought “Wow! I want some of that! I want to be confident!”
So she sent away for her free sample and it was this stuff:
And Crissy had never even had her period and her boobies had not yet come in (it should be any day now!) and so how was she to know that Feminine Deodorant Spray was for The Crotch Rot and not a light floral scent to spray about your wrists and neck area and wear to Jr. High?
And Crissy was very proud of herself. She thought she had discovered a new fragrance that the other Jr. high school girls had not.
No Love’s Baby Soft
or Le Jardin for Crissy.
(Do any of you chicks remember dousing yourselves in this shit or is Crissy the oldest one here again?)
Crissy was a real Trend Setter.
And she made sure EVERYBODY knew about it.
“If you smell FDS, it’s me! I’m Shower Fresh!”
she exclaimed loudly as she strutted confidently through the hallowed halls of Schmuckytown Jr. High, smelling like a box of scented tampons.
And Crissy did this for a long, long, time because she remembers sending away for a new sample multiple times until one day she was at the drug store with her grandmother and she came upon a shelf of FDS. Of course she excitedly ran to it to see what other intoxicating scents might be available and as she looked around she noticed something.
Why do they keep it next to the tampons and stuff and not in the perfume case with the other perfume?
And then the sun came over the mountain and it dawned on poor little Crissy that she had been spraying herself with crotch spray and bragging all over school about it and her heart just sank and she wanted to die.
Lacking any convenient means of suicide, Crissy was forced to sort herself out and she convinced her grandma to buy her a bottle of the Love’s Baby Soft instead and so Crissy was once again socially acceptable.
Well, she tried to be anyway.
She’s still waiting for that to happen too.
Any day now the boobies and the social acceptability will happen.
Crissy is confident.