Is That Your Crotch I Smell? It’s Lovely!

At Crissy’s dinner party on Saturday night we were all talking about something Crissy can’t remember because she had two bottles of wine whilst everyone else had their polite single glass of it when she told the following story and everyone laughed.

Or at least she thinks they may have.

She can’t remember for certain if it was everyone or just her, but whatever.

Here goes.

When Crissy was a wee little Crissy of about 13 years old, her grandmother subscribed to Seventeen Magazine for Crissy to read when she visited. And Oh! how Crissy loved it! And she found a mail-in offer to send away for a free sample of perfume. The girl in the picture was so pretty and stylish and she was sitting on some bleachers with a bunch of boys around her all looking very interested in her and the ad said something about feeling fresh and confident all day and Crissy thought “Wow! I want some of that! I want to be confident!”

So she sent away for her free sample and it was this stuff:

And Crissy had never even had her period and her boobies had not yet come in (it should be any day now!) and so how was she to know that Feminine Deodorant Spray was for The Crotch Rot and not a light floral scent to spray about your wrists and neck area and wear to Jr. High?

And Crissy was very proud of herself. She thought she had discovered a new fragrance that the other Jr. high school girls had not.

No Love’s Baby Soft

or Le Jardin for Crissy.

(Do any of you chicks remember dousing yourselves in this shit or is Crissy the oldest one here again?)

Crissy was a real Trend Setter.

And she made sure EVERYBODY knew about it.

“If you smell FDS, it’s me! I’m Shower Fresh!”

she exclaimed loudly as she strutted confidently through the hallowed halls of Schmuckytown Jr. High, smelling like a box of scented tampons.

And Crissy did this for a long, long, time because she remembers sending away for a new sample multiple times until one day she was at the drug store with her grandmother and she came upon a shelf of FDS. Of course she excitedly ran to it to see what other intoxicating scents might be available and as she looked around she noticed something.



Why do they keep it next to the tampons and stuff and not in the perfume case with the other perfume?

And then the sun came over the mountain and it dawned on poor little Crissy that she had been spraying herself with crotch spray and bragging all over school about it and her heart just sank and she wanted to die.



Lacking any convenient means of suicide, Crissy was forced to sort herself out and she convinced her grandma to buy her a bottle of the Love’s Baby Soft instead and so Crissy was once again socially acceptable.

Well, she tried to be anyway.

She’s still waiting for that to happen too.

Any day now the boobies and the social acceptability will happen.

Crissy is confident.

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  1. Did you not succumb to the wonder of Jean Naté and did you not grow to womanhood beneath the bleachers of the football field after having doused yourself with Wind Song? Oh Crissy, it’s not too late. Run, run to the nearest Odd Jobs or run-down flea market and buy yourself a bottle today! You can still be cool!

  2. Le Jardin? OMG…I’m WAAAYYY older than you……..and I doused myself in that and GLORIA VANDERBILT. Does anyone remember ANAIS ANAIS? And how does one pronounce it? Oh Yea……and when I was old enough to buy it for myself, I bought LAUREN by none other than RALPH LAUREN, and I’m sure grossed everyone out around me.

    Loves Baby soft…my dad hates the name of that to this day. Apparently, I bathed myself in it every time I left the house, and got into his car….and he couldn’t breathe……I thought it was LOVELY, but I guess the adults didn’t agree. He also hates watermelon and grape gum…remember bubble yum and hubba bubba? yeah, those were the days.

  3. Huh.

    Good thing there isn’t penis fragrance cause I totally would’ve rocked that stank on my more visible parts to make you feel like a trendsetter instead of a vagina-smeller.

  4. Love’s Baby Soft and Avon’s “Sweet Honesty” when I was under 10 and then I graduated to “Charlie”. To this day, I wonder what “Enjoli” smells like (and can remember vividly the commercial for it about bringin’ home the bacon and fryin’ it up in a pan…) My mother used Jean Nate and I wasn’t allowed to use hers but I snuck it sometimes. Now I own my very own Jean Nate but the POSSLQ tells me it reminds him of Gramma and I’m not to the point in life where “Gramma” is a smell I’m goin’ for.

    My first boyfriend positively BATHED in Avon’s “Wild Country”… sadly, I should have known that heterosexual teenage boys are not about smelling good. Nor do they have manicured fingernails. Nor do they give bitchin’ fashion advice to their hopelessly frumpy (and unwittingly fag hag) girlfriends.

    These days, thanks to my much-more-cultured-than-I-cousin, I am sporting Chanel No. 5, Opium and Oscar de la Renta’s Bamboo. And sadly, I know from experience the burn of the FDS…which always smelled like Lysol to me (and I guess it is the coochy version of Lysol, if you think about it).

    And yes, I remember Bubble Yum and Hubba Bubba and Bonne Bell Lip Smackers!

  5. Do you know how I got my free sample of FDS? It was in my “welcome to college” goodie bag that they handed out to the freshman when we picked up our dorm keys.

    Very classy Penn State…very classy indeed.

  6. Oh Oh Oh…. You make me laugh. I hated Jr. High for just this reason – that I understood NOTHING about ANY of this kind of thing. And I bathed in a knock-off version of Obsession. I cringe when I smell it now….

  7. Good luck on getting your boobies to come in…

    you know, if you guys have another kid…your boobies will be bigger right?

    Isnt that a good bargaining chip for another baby?

    I’m not sure if youre still trying to convince your husband or not…

    I’ve been a bad blog reader lately and I apologize for that.

  8. Sorry- No Love’s Baby Soft for me. I was addicted to Love’s Lemon Fresh. And I found some more of it 2 months ago. Somehow it just doesnt smell the same. Maybe if I got some FDS- I would smell better?

  9. Dude, do you want some of my boobs? I’ve been looking for someone to share them with. And there haven’t yet been any takes. Seriously, take some. I don’t need all of them.

  10. I would have done this, but I was never together enough to actually send away for things, I just clipped out the articles and kept them in piles of things I was going to buy once I was rich. But you? You were living it. I have to admire that.

  11. The Free Sample Police are going to come after your ass when they find out that you got more than one free sample.

    I can’t remember most of my life, but I am pretty sure I went to junior high school. I’m also pretty sure that I wore some cologne by Calvin Klein in junior high school, though I have no idea what it was. All I remember is that their commercials gave me a boner. Also, I remember that I never tucked my shirt in. And in spite of Calvin Klein and my general rebellious untuckedness, I nonetheless do not think I scored that much tail in junior high.

    I have never understood the whole vaginal spray thing. Splain, please. I do remember spraying cologne on my dick and the cologne causing a manly burning sensation. But that might have been last week.

  12. @Shelly: Yes! It’s “anna-ees anna-ees” and it’s a perfume made in honor of Anais Nin, the greatest Dear Diary writer of all time.

    I used to pretend I had my period all the time in Junior High just so I could use the “private” shower stalls.

    I’m very shy.

  13. The only smell-good I ever saw around was my dad’s Old Spice, or else my grandfather’s old Brut. If it makes you feel any better, I was always just as blissfully ignorant as you. And generally still am. Good times.

  14. I used Gloria Vanderbilt and Jean Nate back in the day, and the Bonne Bell lip smackers, too. Forgot about those til now. Funny I could use all of that then, because now I’m pretty much like Denise’s dad. Pretty much all artificial scent really bothers me. I’m good with most essential oils, but even a few of those gag me. Go figure.

    But, the FDS story is hilarious…now. I can imagine how you felt at the time of the epiphany!

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