Saturday morning:
While in the shower getting ready for Dancing Class Part Deux, which went perfectly btw, Girlfriend offered Crissy the following piece of helpful beauty advice:
“Mommy. Your butt is bumpy and rough like Daddy’s face. You need to shave it with some butt cream. A smooth butt is more important than a bumpy one. It’s nicer and more luxurious too.”
Crissy swears her butt is already very, very luxurious and nice and not bumpy and rough like daddy’s face.
Girlfriend has an active imaginary life.
Saturday evening:
Crissy is about to have a dinner party at her house and is taking yet another shower while Mister and Girlfriend are drying off after theirs and Mister is at the vanity toweling away when Girlfriend walks underneath him like a bridge, looks up at his balls, sticks out her tongue and
NEARLY TEA BAGS HER FATHER!!!!!
Crissy sees this horrible, horrible thing about to occur and screams “NOOOOO!!!” and it came out sounding exactly like the slow motion “NOOOOOO!!!!” but that’s okay because Crissy got Girlfriend’s attention and Mister put his leg down and the world was saved.
Again, Crissy saves the day and no parade, no flowers, no media frenzy.
WTF?
Of course, Girlfriend has no idea what tea bagging is and was just doing it because kids are impulsive like that but holy God you guys.
Can you imagine the vodka it would take to wipe that shit out of memory?
They don’t make enough, Queefs.
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September 15th, 2008 at 7:01 AM
Oh my GOD! I only read it and I’m scarred!!! I need a cocktail - no pun intended.
September 15th, 2008 at 7:09 AM
HAHAHAHAHA!
That story almost trumps “Daddy’s got a tail!” and the grab, tug, and run of Rachel (little Rachel–not me.)
Well, maybe me…
September 15th, 2008 at 7:26 AM
Oh sweet jeeeeeesus…
I was not mentally prepared for this at 8:30am and I’m now convulsing and gasping for air as I type….
Tea-bagging is my favourite thing to see randomly referenced on the internets. Also, I call Theo ‘T-Bag’ sometimes to upset the newf.
September 15th, 2008 at 7:58 AM
This post made me feel weird inside.
September 15th, 2008 at 9:21 AM
Now I know what it feels like to snort a cheerio up your nose.
Here’s the problem, you now have me picturing your husband’s balls and I CAN’T THE IMAGE OUT OF MY HEAD!!!!!!
September 15th, 2008 at 9:21 AM
WOW! What a way to wake up on a Monday morning…
Adminderella would suggest that perhaps it is not Mommy’s posterior that needs attention but that whole region, posterior and anterior, that Girlfriend referred to as “butt”. Not to imply that you don’t do a good job of gardening, just sayin’…
I’d love to know the thought process in Girlfriend’s mind that made her think that teabaggin’ Daddy was a good idea… I mean, I don’t normally look at balls and think “tasty treat”… Guess I’ll have to pay more attention next time I’m face to face with some… Hmmmm, pass that Vodka…
September 15th, 2008 at 9:25 AM
Maybe y’all should lock the doors when Mommy and Daddy have “movie” night. One question: leading up to the (oh god, i can barely even type this) Almost Tea Bag Disaster, was she humming or singing bow chicka wow wow?
September 15th, 2008 at 9:51 AM
Holy goodness that’s a lot to handle on a Monday morning!! I can’t believe you were able to go on with the dinner party after that!
September 15th, 2008 at 10:13 AM
Mmm. Yes. One question. How do I erase my brain?
September 15th, 2008 at 10:19 AM
A warning on this post would have been helpful. Something like: “I know many of you read my blog first thing in the morning and brains are soft and impressionable before getting the full caffeine intake and unless you have the means to fly to LA later in the day for an emergency therapy appointment, maybe wait until 4:30pm to read this post.”
Something like that.
Dear god.
September 15th, 2008 at 10:29 AM
I swear if we ever meet and your ass is bumpy I will never read this blog again!
September 15th, 2008 at 10:35 AM
Oh . my . gawd .
September 15th, 2008 at 11:29 AM
There is something that is equally wonderful and horrendous about small children. They are brutally honest.
Last summer I shaved my head and The Dude says to me “Daddy you need to put your hat on.”
The funny part was I did it at 5 am and did not tell anyone I was doing it. So when my girlfriend saw my shaved head as she lay in bed and I kissed her good bye she thought she was dreaming. It was not until she got up a couple hours later and saw the hair in the trash can that she realized I really did it. I don;t think she has forgiven me yet. Yes I am grew it out.
September 15th, 2008 at 11:35 AM
oh my good god. of thing high and holy.
September 15th, 2008 at 11:46 AM
It’s only 11:45 and I need a drink. Scotch on the rocks.
September 15th, 2008 at 11:58 AM
There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum, it’s breathtaking. I suggest you try it.
September 15th, 2008 at 12:42 PM
I know it’s wrong, but imagery of “the incident” almost made me blow my Arizona Rx Energy Herbal Tonic all over my keyboard. At work. Oh, Girlfriend.
September 15th, 2008 at 2:09 PM
oh my god! I think I need a drink after reading that, and I wasn’t even there!
September 15th, 2008 at 2:18 PM
OMG, I think my imagination is now scarred! But the laugh that just emitted forth from my body was priceless.
September 15th, 2008 at 2:40 PM
First off, I want to say THANK you for being a mother and father that lets their precious wee one see them naked. My co-workers that I’ve let it slip to that I’m not modest around the house are HORRIFIED that my impressionable young ‘uns may have seen my mammaries. Or labial area (what of it peeks from behind the fat wall), or butt crack……
Now that they are teens, I try very hard not to rumble and jiggle within eyesight, but because our house is small and we only have ONE BATHROOM, they sometimes catch sight of what I’m CERTAIN they don’t want to see.
Oh, and for anyone who cares (apparently people really DO care about this stuff), I don’t ‘garden’….it’s too taxing and time consuming….and if any of you read my blog you’d know I have hair removal issues, but it doesn’t spread to ‘there’. Call me weird, but bushy works for me.
So, for those of you who think that nakedness is freaky or weird, TOUGH. My boys have seen me in various stages of dress all their life, and so far have survived (hmmm, this brings to mind Dingo’s comment about purses and pink)……
Thanks Crissy, for letting it ALL HANG OUT in front of Girlfriend……
Tea Bagging? Sorry to say that my naive world had never heard of that. I can’t google it here at work because lordy knows what it’ll bring up. I mean, based on Crissys details, I can figure it out, (I think), but wow, I must live in a cave.
I’ve already had to google rimming and bukkake (thanks Stoogie), so I’ll add this to my list of definitions that I’d not heard of before. You all are SO educational!!
September 15th, 2008 at 2:40 PM
Sooo..I’m the only one who thought that was a sexy story?
September 15th, 2008 at 2:40 PM
Well, can you blame her for being curious? I mean, really. mwhahahah!
September 15th, 2008 at 2:41 PM
Nice save there Crissy…
Nice save.
September 15th, 2008 at 2:41 PM
What?
September 15th, 2008 at 3:04 PM
I don’t even know what to say. Except thank God you stopped because that is exactly what makes the story go from nightmare inducing to hilariously funny.
September 15th, 2008 at 3:42 PM
Why is everyone taking showers together? Is this a family thing? If so I’m never having kids.
September 15th, 2008 at 4:08 PM
There isn’t enough vodka to eradicate that memory from MY brain. Thanks for that.
I’m off to make my vasectomy appointment.
September 15th, 2008 at 6:04 PM
hahahahaha omg I’m dying.
I read this early in the AM, but my stupid computer wouldn’t load your page.
Probably the best story ever.
September 15th, 2008 at 6:59 PM
I think this is a sweet yet sexy story filled with family values and nicely shaved balls.
And am I wrong that apparently Girlfriend did not think that Daddy’s balls were bumpy and rough? They were apparently nice and luxurious enough to eat.
Girlfriend is the kind of discriminating young lady who gives me hope for the next generation, just as Crissy’s Pimp’s nuts give me hope for this one.
September 15th, 2008 at 8:46 PM
Because I am thoughtful, I have found a lovely instructional video on “The Art of Teabagging” which might get you frowned at but will not get you fired (unless perhaps you work for Sarah Palin or the like) here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fy0vew58eFQ
September 15th, 2008 at 9:29 PM
holy hell. thank god you swooped in there to save the day.
i need a drink after just reading that.
September 18th, 2008 at 12:59 PM
Um.
Oh.
My.
God.
I am glad you saved the day on that one!