Happy Horseshit

Crissy realizes that she’s been talking non stop about babies and making babies and bringing them to dancing classes and she did give you guys a respite yesterday when we talked of horsefucking so you’re going to sit through another post about Girlfriend and you’re going to love it because Crissy doesn’t have much else to write about right now.

Well, she does, but it means she has to take pictures of her dying garden and she’s feeling like it not so much right now. It depresses the crap out of her to look at it.

Ahem.

Recently Crissy went to Girlfriend’s preschool orientation and heard about all the rules about snacks brought to school. Every parent is required to bring in 5 snacks per year. These snacks, for 32 precious little ones, must come complete with 32 drinks and 32 cups and 32 plates and 32 napkins and 32 whatever else a person needs to serve the snack. The snacks must be “healthy” and if there is any packaging it must be “earth friendly.” This could get expensive and Crissy thinks maybe she should just buy 32 new BMWs for the children and just be done with it for the year but a BMW is not an appropriate snack and it is probably not earth friendly. So, no.

And if Crissy chooses to make something with her own two wonderful little hands she must submit the recipe to the other parents for approval because god forbid and heavens to myrgatroid we don’t want anyone getting sugar when they’re not supposed to or for FUCK SAKE AND THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS DECENT AND GOOD IN THIS WORLD NO GOD DAMNED NUTS!!!

We don’t want any of the precious ones dying of anaphylactic shock because Crissy sent in cookies and did not submit a recipe for prior parental approval. Crissy swears that if any one of those losers rejects her submitted recipe she will bust balls on them so hard when it’s their turn that all that will be left for them to send in is water and air popped rice.

Crissy is just saying.

So Crissy’s turn is coming up in October and she plans to make Nutless Orange Cranberry Bread and maybe bring in a couple of these juice boxes to go with it:

That’s enough for 32 kids, right?

At first she thought of milk but she’s sure little Enid is lactose intolerant and her mother will bitch and Crissy will have to cram the milk up little Enid’s mom’s butt.

And Crissy thinks that would not be the best way to make friends with the moms at Girlfriend’s school.

See?

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Prolly not appropriate.

Might make for awkwardness on field trips…

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29 comments

  1. If Crissy would like, Adminderella can send her the recipe for vegan cupcakes with vegan buttercream frosting. No nuts, no dairy, no eggs. Of course, then Johnny Wheatallergy will whine, I suppose. The vegan cupcakes are easy to make and taste amazing and you’d never guess they were vegan. But I suppose that just the fact that the word “cupcake” is used sends the people who made Cookie Monster a fruit junkie into a tizzy. I think your juice box idea totally rocks, though! Nothing like a little Franzia in a Little Mermaid Dixie Cup.

    Maybe on the day Crissy brings treats she can also bring her Carmen Electra workout video! However, not sure where you will find 32 pair of smallish stillettos…

  2. Given how many fucking kids are nut-intolerant, I think each school district should just designate one school as a nut-free zone. Put all the little intolerables there. And maybe put bars on the windows, just to make sure they can’t escape. That way, the rest of the kids who did nothing wrong and therefore should be able to enjoy their nuts can live the carefree lives kids were meant to live.

  3. the idea of you giving a milk enema to another milf is almost too much to bear. call me a perv, but i’m sorry–barbies are fucking hot, especially while bent over the trunk of a car with their plaid dresses hiked up, no panties on, and a milk jug heading for the backdoor.

    actually, looking at it some more, perhaps your idea was to shove the entire jug up there? that’s hot too, albeit a much more advanced maneuver. i’ve got some videos of that if you want to research methods and techniques.

    your hair looks gorgeous, btw. that color is perfect on you.

    -Da Pimp

  4. With Diana starting preschool next week I am also worrying about snack time. But then again, my town is so blue collar that I am sure that every parent is going to bring in Twinkies and Koolaid.

    BTW, my Barbies totally have that car, maybe we shall take a road trip together…you know, like Thelma and Louise. We can reenact the scene when Brad Pitt gets both women pregnant and they skip off happily and satisfied back to their hubbies….

  5. Seriously, my favorite blog ever. Ever! One tiny thing- can you stop talking about yourself in the 3rd person? You’re funny in the first person, promise!

  6. 4 boxes of Pop Tarts (8 in a box – do the math), 32 cans of Coke. Done. Or just come down with some faux dread disease when it’s your turn, plague, lice, psoriasis, something. I’m sure they won’t WANT your snack then.

  7. Are you freaking kidding me? You have to submit the recipes? Oh holy crap people, get over it. Your kid should know what it can and can’t eat and it should just not eat the stuff it can’t. That’s how it was in my day and none of us died! Although, Tony Kresser DID have an allergic reaction to something and he DID have to whip out his inhaler, but still, those are pretty good odds.

  8. i used to want to name my first born child franzia when i drank too much of that kool-aid. it has a nice ring to it.

    also that dirty barbie picture put a big fat smile on my face – barbies can be dirty too right?

  9. I already hate the mom’s at Girlfriend’s school. And I hate children that can’t eat nuts. Do not infringe on my peanut butter and jelly time! My right to peanut butter and jelly trumps your right to an unobstructed air passage.

    But if you can’t serve nuts, can you send in cute little cupcakes with sugar free tofu icing and crushed benadryl pink sprinkles on top?

  10. I totally support starting children off early in the ways of boxed wine. Isn’t a glass a day suppose to be healthy anyway? The mothers can’t deny that.

  11. Don’t forget about the pretty white milk spilling all over the tanned behinds of those perfect little naughty naughty dolls and then one of them..

    um.

    Sorry.

    Never mind.

  12. Shhhh….mom is here….she CAN’T hear this sort of thing……she’s washing up right now, so I’m sneaking in a comment….shhhhhhshhhhhhh.

    Move to the midwest where kids THRIVE on peanut butter and pop tarts. Then we can drink that boxed wine, and LAUGH at the stupid mothers that are lactose intolerant. Or grape intolerant, or whatever.

    Shhh…don’t tell my mom though……I don’t drink and am a virgin……okay? Got it? We need to get the stories straight so we don’t slip up.

  13. Man, I remember when I was in elementary school, my mom just gave me donuts to bring in and that was it. Delicious Donuts! Schools need to stop making rules like that. No peanuts. Puh.

  14. This is such a coincidence because I watched a movie just last night in which a women got a milk enema and then squirted it out of her ass! I’m not even kidding. It was hot then and it’s hot now. Seriously, I can send you a clip because, of course, it was on the internet.

    I suggest that, no matter what drink you serve, you do an enema before serving it. And videotape it. Maybe, if none of the other MILFs wants an enema, you can find someone especially hot and willing at the library. How hot is that?

    As for the snack, hash brownies sound good to me and they will go great with the Franzia if that is what you choose as the beverage. While hash brownies are expensive, they are all-natural and the little ones are worth it, doncha think?

  15. I am going to second the hash brownie idea. Perfect little snack for perfect little children. Just don’t put those nuts in there. That juice box looks tempting to me right about now

  16. Geez, and I thought my friend had it bad since her son’s lunch is being monitored every day and she gets in big trouble if there’s any sugar discovered anywhere near him. I vote for the hash brownies too – it sounds like these people need to chillax.

  17. All in favor of Hash Brownies, say “I”…. (Queefs reply) IIIIIIIIIIIII and all opposed, say “Nay”….. …… …. Pure silence…. There you have it, the motion to have Crissy serve Hash Brownies to Girlfriend’s preschool passes!

  18. Vegan no wheat no nuts hash brownies, cover everyone.
    two juice boxes would probably be just right for the teachers having to put up with all of those mommies, so you will need more to cover the kids,

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