September is for Lovers

It’s September Queefs!

And you know what that means?

It’s the time of the year when Crissy and Mister try to decide whether to have another baby or not.

“Why September?” you ask.

Why not September?

And Crissy will be honest with you. Mister is really sitting more on the no fucking way in Hades will I get you pregnant and I’ll chop my balls off right now if you keep asking me about it woman side of the fence and Crissy is sort of straddling the middle where she at times thinks romantically about the baby and then at times remembers that her first baby is a fire monster and does she really want to have two fire monsters?

Nay, nay Queefs.

Nay, nay.

But Crissy isn’t getting any younger and next year Crissy and Mister will very old indeed and be at risk for having a Downsy baby or a baby with some horrifying issue featurable on the Discovery Channel or whatever and even though the Downsy babies seem very sweet and charming and nice and all, the Crissys would rather have a healthy baby who will eventually grow up and disappoint them bitterly get the fuck out of their house.

And also it means that Crissy will have to have Sexy Time when she doesn’t particularly feel like having Sexy Time and she hates that and she could always just go with a Play Through but she doesn’t really want the baby growing up knowing that he or she was conceived while Mommy watched Ghost Hunters and complained that Daddy was bouncing his butt too high and was blocking the tee-vee.

That’s no way to get knocked up. Babies should be conceived in a romantic way during screaming drunken wildness involving approximately 3 midgets and a large black double ended dildo. And the whole thing should be a blur and a month later Crissy should find herself sitting on the side of the bathtub holding a positive pregnancy test and scratching her head because she can’t quite remember how it all went down and she’ll be worried that the baby will be a midget with an incredibly large black penis.

That’s a much better story to tell the baby as it involves people his/her size.

And what will happen to the blog? When will Crissy find time for the blog? Crissy barely has time for it now.

And what about Crissy’s booze and pills? Those judgy doctors frown upon the booze and the pills.

And what about all the cool clothes Crissy just got at Savers? Who will wear the purple Ralph Lauren blazer?

And who will take care of the baby? Certainly not Crissy!

And most importantly, what if the baby comes out not pretty?

So September is a month of negotiations and Crissy is ovulating in a couple of weeks and so we have two weeks to decide if we will make a go of it this month or not but just in case, Crissy is looking for suggestions for some good porn titles.

Particularly ones involving short people (not children, short people).

It seems appropriate for the occasion.

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30 comments

  1. I vote for another baby! Not because Girlfriend deserves a sibling or because you need someone to take care of you when you get all crotchety and old and can’t remember your own name and need to have your diaper changed or because babies are sooooo cute and cuddly and smell nice BUT because I don’t want to be the only one with more than one ornery ungrateful brat! Just have a baby already.

  2. It’s about time that someone write a post that has my jaw dropping before I’ve even had my tea. Now, in the spirit of naming your child something that has to do with their conception (Backalleyanda, Betty-Dontrememberhisname), how do you name a child where midgets and double-ended dildos are involved? This isn’t just for fun, I think there is a distinct possibility that I may get pregnant that way and should come up with a plan in advance, don’t you think?

  3. At the risk of sounding like the worst/most selfish woman in all of history, I’m going to side with Mister on this one, Crissy.

    Adminderella will remind Crissy of the nausea, the trouble finding a comfortable position to sleep in, stretch marks, brutal labor, episiotomies or vaginal tearing, colic, up every couple hours to feed, the diapers and of course, the no margaritas or vodka for a very, very long time.

    And while age may make you more prone to having a less than perfect child, it’s always a crapshoot.

    You got it right the first time, Crissy. You don’t need to try again.

  4. re: the play through conception

    you know very well that the likelihood of fertilization goes up if BOTH partners ring their bells.

    you’re just going to have to get another smutty book and fluff yourself before i get involved.

  5. Oh hon, I love you to death…BUT I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU GET PREGNANT ON YOUR FIRST TRY I AM COMING OVER AND RAPING YOUR HUSBAND!

    Hmph, until I get pregnant NO ONE is allowed to breed

    ggrrrrr

  6. “The Play Through Conception”

    Sounds like an indie movie, or a really cool band.

    FYI, the Google Ads for this post are “Will Your Baby Come Early” and “Your Pregnancy Calendar.” I think Google has cast it’s vote.

  7. Well, boyfriend number 1 (not the dead guy) used to like to have sex during Star Trek The Next Generation. Yep. I watched it in the mirror every single night while he got it on. I’m very intimate with the Borg you know….

    And babies? Bring ’em on! Girlfriend is more likely to still WANT a sibling at this age. The older she gets, the more resentful she will be of the BABY taking over her precious fire monster time.

  8. I think Crissy and Mister should consult with Girlfriend on this matter. As we know she rules the roost. And if Girlfriend happens to be indifferent and you need help from the Internets making up your mind. I say go for it. Because what else will you blog about this winter if you’re not knocked up.

  9. Well, I can think of several downsides to having another baby. First, Girlfriend is the be all end all of babies. How can a second baby possibly compare? He/she (or because you are old with fucked up DNA you could have a hermaphrodite) would constantly be compared to the gorgeous, intelligent fire monster that is Girlfriend. And then where would you be? I’ll tell you, you’d have an adult in pink culottes wearing a man-purse who shaves his beard and her legs who is bitter, bitter, bitter. While it will make a great WE, Lifetime, or Oxygen story it will prevent you from ever running for VP.

  10. Okay, I’ve been thinking about this all day. I just don’t know HOW I want to vote. It’s been weighing heavily on my mind since my post-shower read of Crissy………

    I’m way older than you….and NO MORE BABIES for Perfectly…..but seriously? The second one is easier…….you’ve already gone through the hard shit with Girlfriend….and the younger one reaps the benefits.

    Then I read what Dingo said, and it makes me worry—I have one that shaves his chest, and could be thought of as angry and bitter sometimes……but so far I see no culottes, so maybe we’re safe.

    I say go for it….go for it NOW….and enjoy the pretty baby, because, as much as it pains me to say, you’ll think your baby is pretty even if nobody else does. And nobody will ever TELL you if your baby isn’t pretty, so you are safe on that front.

  11. Crissy, sorry to comment in your comments to other commenters but…Shelly dear, as far as we know your kid is not a hermaphrodite (or as I as informed, the term now is intersex). But keep an eye out for culottes and a man-purse.

  12. ok, i figured it out…

    i’m going to pretend i’m “on board” with this project.

    in the meantime, i’ve already started this regimen:

    “A man sits in a [shallow or testes-only] bath of 116 degrees Fahrenheit for forty-five minutes daily for three weeks. Six months of sterility results, after which normal fertility returns. For longer sterility, the treatment is repeated.” (http://www.newmalecontraception.org/heat.htm)

    it seems like a win-win situation to me: lots of sex (YES!) invariably ending in creampies (WOOHOO!), yet no risk of pregnancy and eventual baby (TRIFECTA!)…

  13. If you’re contemplating having another one, do it!

    And since you already have a fire monster, it’s very likely that the next one will be something godly. As far as cuteness goes, you have nothing to worry about.

  14. I can testify that just because one is a fire monster, does not mean that the next one will be OR just because the first delivery tore you from end to end (sorry guys) doesn’t mean that the next delivery will be the same. I had one C-section, one foreceps delivery and one natural – no drugs, no episiotome so anything can happen. Or you could have a hermaphrodite. I’m just saying. But I do agree that if you’re going to do it, do it now. Girlfriend will be a great little helper.

  15. Actually, Boyfriend and I are having the same discussion–only instead of midgets, there’s a duck involved…the AFLAC duck. 30 more days and I think we’re headed down the conception trail.

    Tim couldn’t be happier.

    And while I’m on the fence, I figure with 2, if one IS a dud we can still have one almost normal human being between us.

    I’m in if you are.

    Gentlemen…start your engines!

  16. Um, just go look at the pictures in the last post. Especially the first one and the last one. No?

    So I vote with your pimp. And suggest instead of hot water he go for the guy with the scissors. Quick snip, bag of frozen peas, don’t worry about it. Much cheaper, and a lot fewer consequences.

    And, just why is it September? Unlike the rest of the world, do you just have a few days a year that . . .?

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