Oh holy hell Queefs.
Crissy is hanged over today because her brother is in town and even though he does not drink Crissy took it upon herself to drink enough for both of them because she’s a superawesomefantatic sister like that.
And now this morning?
oy.
Crissy would capitalize that but it would hurt her head.
And the hangover is a very bad thing to go into work with because librarians don’t get hangovers (except for the one in rehab getting cured off the Wild Turkey but Crissy is going to venture a guess that she does not plan on getting hangovers anymore) and so there is no sympathy to be had today among the Church Ladies at the li-berry.
They would judge Crissy harshly for her love of The Drink.
And they cannot handle “foul language” either.
Except for Lynne who can roll with a cuntfacecocksuckermotherfucker and that’s why Crissy wants to fuck her loves her so (see Lynn-e? Crissy told you she’d tell the Internets that she’s in love with you!) and also Crissy and Lynne are forced to hide their fucks and their assholes and their douchebags away and speak in Text Message Language when they are around the Church Ladies and it confuses them and they think Crissy and Lynne are strange but what are Crissy and Lynne to do?
WTF?
WTFF?
OMFG!!
And when they hire a New Girl, Crissy and Lynne have a meeting about whether or not the New Girl is “cool” like them or if she is a Church Lady by dropping an S bomb on her at first in conversation with each other and nonchalantly gauging her reaction and then slowly pulling out the heavier artillery until she breaks and her face turns all Church Lady-ish and then via eye contact they decide not to let her into their club.
So far it is still only a club of two with a few people who can “handle” Crissy and Lynne but nobody is as cool as they are so far.
Needless to say Crissy will have a long day at work today and she has to bring Girlfriend in with her because she has no babysitter and she must suffer in silence and know that you fine people feel her hangover pain possibly right along with her on this fine Thursday morning.
Wait.
It’s Friday.
Fine Friday morning.
DAMMIT!
ow. that hurt crissy’s head. no more capitals today okay queefs?
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September 5th, 2008 at 8:15 AM
Hangover + Library + Child + Church folk =
my worst nightmare
or…
my best reality TV show pitch.
September 5th, 2008 at 9:10 AM
Reality show! That’s perfect! That is exactly what Crissy and Lynne need (see, I can also refer to myself in the third person like Crissy and Bossy). It could be funny! Crissy and I are always up for some shenanigans!
September 5th, 2008 at 9:22 AM
Ben- You are a genius.
Lynne- This is our ticket out of this place. You know, once the show is cancelled. We’ll be rich beeotch!
September 5th, 2008 at 9:36 AM
Can I come to your library? I’d say all sorts of bad words with you gals. Many a times I have to stop myself from dropping the f-bomb in front of my co-workers. And yes, yes some do deserve the f-bomb.
September 5th, 2008 at 9:44 AM
Here’s what we will do, tell me when you are trying out your next new girl. I’ll come in and say something along the lines of;
“Do you guys have “The Joy of Sex” because I need to look up how to get my brains fucked out of me. My cunt needs some proper loving!”
If she doesn’t spontaneously burst into flames then she is your girl!
It so nice to swear on a blog I know my Mom isn’t going to read…..
September 5th, 2008 at 9:47 AM
I second Marie…your library sounds like a ton of fun.
Crissy, can I borrow your brother? Mine is, well…….a drunk, and I can’t drink around him because then he’ll drink and then it’s all over.
The one time he stayed with me, he took what was left of his 12 pak to bed with him.
Jakki and I will do the spin off co-worker reality show and the networks will boo us off the air…You all will be the Survivor to our Flava Flave.
September 5th, 2008 at 9:51 AM
Marie- Absolutley. It doesn’t pay for shit though.
Rachel M- Whose cunt doesn’t need some good loving every now and again?
Shelly- Ha, ha, ha, ha! Not about your brother.
September 5th, 2008 at 10:13 AM
Now we just need a name for this reality show……
September 5th, 2008 at 10:16 AM
Yeeouch. I don’t like hangovers at all. Especially when I have to suffer in silence because I’m not supposed to be drinking. I worked at the church for 10 years, yep I did. All the while, drinking myself into oblivion each and every motherfuckingnight because the church people weren’t real people who had wild monkey sex with their lovers or swear or drink like sailors. I didn’t have a Lynne. You’re sooooo lucky. I think I want some library loving from her, too.
September 5th, 2008 at 10:19 AM
Ugh, I’m with you today. In fact, my entire office is hungover. That may not bode well for all of us. Damn company trips with the sole purpose of us getting wasted. Wait, there was a tennis match going on? Get out of here!
September 5th, 2008 at 10:36 AM
Lynne- Um….how about…Too Sexy for the Books?
Okay. I’ll keep thinking.
k8- She’s mine and I will not share.
Stealthnerd- The whole office? Wow. Is there any coffee left?
September 5th, 2008 at 10:44 AM
You took one for the family. Big of you, really.. Now listen to Dr. Rachael…
1 vicadin+2 cups coffee+3~8 pints water.
Good luck. You have my utmost sympathies!
September 5th, 2008 at 10:45 AM
Lynne–’THE LIBRARIANS’….(cue in music and a deep announcer type voice)….’follow the lives of two beautiful women working in their local library……..trying to stay sane…harried from the patrons demanding their time…….while still being all cute and fun and stuff!!”
September 5th, 2008 at 10:54 AM
How about Sexy in the Stacks?
September 5th, 2008 at 10:56 AM
k8-That’s pretty good!
September 5th, 2008 at 10:57 AM
Shelly- Yours is good too. It’s very menacing.
September 5th, 2008 at 11:26 AM
Oh god, I want to work with you two. And I want to be the new girl and we can do some role playing. And film it. For the internet.
September 5th, 2008 at 11:40 AM
I love that you have to test the new girl. I bet it’s HILARIOUS to witness (but not so much if you’re a church lady.)
September 5th, 2008 at 11:41 AM
Buttered toasted bagel and a B-Berrier Odwalla juice are miracle workers for the Portland margarita hangovers, and those are some bad hangovers. Do they have Odwalla juice where you are? Probably not.
September 5th, 2008 at 11:56 AM
We eat insanely greasy mexican food to cure hangovers here in denver.
especially menudo.
mmmm…delicious.
September 5th, 2008 at 11:59 AM
I LIKE HOW YOU ARE TAKING CARE OF YOUR BROTHER. NICE WORK. CAN YOU HEAR ME IN THERE - KNOCK, KNOCK - HELLOOOO?
September 5th, 2008 at 12:02 PM
capitals are overrated.
thursday night cocktails, are not.
hope you feel better!
xx
September 5th, 2008 at 12:21 PM
I could handle you both. No doubt.
HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND!
September 5th, 2008 at 12:55 PM
I am hanged too! And on a deadline!
A deadline of which no real time frame was given other than “Friday” which somehow makes it worse.
Hangzieties.
Your sister in misery,
Kiala
September 5th, 2008 at 12:59 PM
so i guess rough sex is out of the question tonight, eh–what with the headache and all?
September 5th, 2008 at 2:45 PM
I have a club of one here. It’s fun.
I mistakenly said “motherfucking football team” today and I got a talking to about my “inapropriate language”.
September 5th, 2008 at 2:47 PM
Crissy… it would seem to me that if your brother is visiting, he should be spending quality Uncle Time with Girlfriend (thus, you would not have to bring her to work with you).
I cannot drink margaritas because Tequila is not my friend. I make up for it by drinking daiquiris because demon rum IS my friend.
And, is it even LEGAL for me to walk into a library and drop something like “cocksuckingmutherfuckingthreeballbitch” on some poor librarian. Wouldn’t the laws of Nature require her head to explode to hear such naughtieness? I do not want to be arrested for “ear hole assault”.
September 5th, 2008 at 4:34 PM
I’m late to the game. Hopefully by this point either (a) the hangover has worn off or (b) you’re going back to the bottle for your Friday night drinks. I mean, it’s gotta be five o’clock somewhere, right?!
September 5th, 2008 at 4:43 PM
I’ll never quite get what’s so wrong with cussin’ up a storm
I like to fuckin use foul language. Gad-Dammit.
September 6th, 2008 at 11:17 AM
I am SOOOOOOO very late to the game…I’m sure the hangover is gone by now so I can use caps! All I can say is, have you tried the “Hair of the Dog?” You know…have a drink and your hangover is gone. I usually don’t drink whatever sent me to the hangover…a simple beer or glass of wine will do! Advice for next time! And I too am in support of the reality show!
September 7th, 2008 at 12:51 PM
Hey, I’m the family lush, too! Only I don’t get invited to family events on account of the fact that I DO like The Drink.
September 7th, 2008 at 3:55 PM
My co-workers understand hangovers, but they will rag on me about it all day so I just avoid telling them. They kind of suck.
September 7th, 2008 at 6:11 PM
My students are supportive of my potty mouth. My boss and colleagues, not so much. Damn boss and co-irkers!
However, I truly think it unfair for you and Lynne to be dropping f-bombs and nursing hangovers all by yourself. Don’t you think Girlfriend would have liked to have joined in on the fun?