So far this week Crissy has warned the Queefs about The Mutants Who Smell Like Feet at Chuck E. Cheese and the Monkey Breath People at Savers and now she will tell you about the Asshats at the Library.
It shouldn’t come as much surprise to Crissy when she finds icky people at Chuck E’s and Saver’s, but the library should be a place where nice clean people who smell like fresh laundry come to read very sophisticated books about physics and things that Crissy does not understand.
Sadly, not so much.
The library patrons are somewhat cleaner people than the others Crissy encountered last week and this is because people at the library can read (sometimes) and so have successfully followed the directions on the bar of soap, but just because they are clean-ish folks it does not mean that they are smart people or sane people, or normal people.
For example, A Crazy Bat Shit Lady, Crissy thinks she must be in her 70’s somewhere, comes up to the desk. She’s wearing a bad, bad, bad wig that’s on crooked and poorly pinned to her head, a polo shirt that’s 2 sizes too small, enormous gym shorts hiked up underneath her boobs, with black sheer panty hose and white orthopedic sneakers and she carried a handbag sooooo big Crissy could have stuffed her in it and Crissy was certain it was full of those gummy spearmint leaves and lots of peppermints and stuff. And she’s so pleasant and sooooo perky and cheerful that Crissy wants to smack her mouth when she asks her to find a book of wedding quotes so she can write “the perfect thing” in her granddaughter’s wedding card. Awwww…so sweet! So Crissy gives her about 5 books and then she looks at Crissy and says “Jesus Christ! There’s a lot of shit! If I don’t find something in here I’m porked.”
Huh. Didn’t see that one coming.
And then right after Crazy Bat Shit Lady, a delightfully bemulleted Diesel Dyke who looked an awful lot like Jo from Facts of Life without the pleasant smile and the eye liner:
(some of you are way too young to know what The Facts of Life was and that makes Crissy want to go cry in her bowl of fiber cereal a little bit)
came to the desk with guns so big her arms didn’t touch her sides and in James Earl Jones’ voice requests Debbie Macomber’s romance novel, Rainy Day Kisses.
And the request seemed so odd to Crissy that she just sat there for a second struggling to find the meaning of it all before she got up and found the book for Ms. Diesel or Mr. Diesel or whatever.
Apparently everyone has a soft side and then they go pump iron and comb their mullets.
And then there was the bus load of men who are afflicted with The Retardation. They actually don’t bother Crissy at all because they’re really the sweetest creatures in the world and they love their architecture books and their encyclopedias and they are always asking Crissy to help them find them and they ask every single time and you’d think they’d remember where their favorite books are, but no.
It’s like they’re retar…
I get it.
Clearly Crissy had quite the weekend with the publicness and had a few moments where she considered barricading herself in her house but then she quickly remembered about the problem she would have getting the vodka and so she decided against it.