Overheard at the Reference Desk

So far this week Crissy has warned the Queefs about The Mutants Who Smell Like Feet at Chuck E. Cheese and the Monkey Breath People at Savers and now she will tell you about the Asshats at the Library.

It shouldn’t come as much surprise to Crissy when she finds icky people at Chuck E’s and Saver’s, but the library should be a place where nice clean people who smell like fresh laundry come to read very sophisticated books about physics and things that Crissy does not understand.

Sadly, not so much.

The library patrons are somewhat cleaner people than the others Crissy encountered last week and this is because people at the library can read (sometimes) and so have successfully followed the directions on the bar of soap, but just because they are clean-ish folks it does not mean that they are smart people or sane people, or normal people.

For example, A Crazy Bat Shit Lady, Crissy thinks she must be in her 70’s somewhere, comes up to the desk. She’s wearing a bad, bad, bad wig that’s on crooked and poorly pinned to her head, a polo shirt that’s 2 sizes too small, enormous gym shorts hiked up underneath her boobs, with black sheer panty hose and white orthopedic sneakers and she carried a handbag sooooo big Crissy could have stuffed her in it and Crissy was certain it was full of those gummy spearmint leaves and lots of peppermints and stuff. And she’s so pleasant and sooooo perky and cheerful that Crissy wants to smack her mouth when she asks her to find a book of wedding quotes so she can write “the perfect thing” in her granddaughter’s wedding card. Awwww…so sweet! So Crissy gives her about 5 books and then she looks at Crissy and says “Jesus Christ! There’s a lot of shit! If I don’t find something in here I’m porked.”

Huh. Didn’t see that one coming.

Not sane.

NEXT!

And then right after Crazy Bat Shit Lady, a delightfully bemulleted Diesel Dyke who looked an awful lot like Jo from Facts of Life without the pleasant smile and the eye liner:

(some of you are way too young to know what The Facts of Life was and that makes Crissy want to go cry in her bowl of fiber cereal a little bit)

came to the desk with guns so big her arms didn’t touch her sides and in James Earl Jones’ voice requests Debbie Macomber’s romance novel, Rainy Day Kisses.

And the request seemed so odd to Crissy that she just sat there for a second struggling to find the meaning of it all before she got up and found the book for Ms. Diesel or Mr. Diesel or whatever.

Apparently everyone has a soft side and then they go pump iron and comb their mullets.

Not normal.

NEXT!

And then there was the bus load of men who are afflicted with The Retardation. They actually don’t bother Crissy at all because they’re really the sweetest creatures in the world and they love their architecture books and their encyclopedias and they are always asking Crissy to help them find them and they ask every single time and you’d think they’d remember where their favorite books are, but no.

It’s like they’re retar…

Oh.

I get it.

Not smart.

Clearly Crissy had quite the weekend with the publicness and had a few moments where she considered barricading herself in her house but then she quickly remembered about the problem she would have getting the vodka and so she decided against it.

For now.

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24 comments

  1. Adminderella does not work with the unwashed masses, but with (presumably) well-scrubbed doctors and nurses. This has not prevented the rudeness and uncalled for comments, though. In fact, I am sad to report that Doctors are some of the most obnoxious people you will ever encounter who whine about ONLY getting to spend $75 a DAY on food and are appalled that they can only stay in hotels that are $325 a night (plus tax). Yet, for all that school they allegedly have to attend to become a doctor, they are too stupid to properly fill out an expense report.

    Adminderella has decided if she needs surgery, she will do it herself rather than let one of these bitter malcontents dig around in her insides, leaving sponges and whatnot because they’re too busy kvetching that they should be allowed to have $120 dinners and two bottles of wine and the hospital should pay for that rather than correctly counting sponges in vs. sponges out. Do you know who ultimately pays for that? Anyone who ever visits a doctor, that’s who.

  2. You just made me soooooo glad that I get to hide back here in my office (I mean, back THERE in my office – it’s not like I’m commenting at WORK or anything). Hate. People. Especially after being subjected to the RNC this week. I’m suicidal.

  3. Admit it, you coveted the old lady’s purse, didn’t you! I’m sure once you cleaned out the cat hair covered peppermint leaves, it would be a great carry-all. And then you and Not Jo could go to lunch and giggle over the sex scenes in Rainy Day Kisses.

  4. It’s rough. Being in the public eye. Being a public servant like you are. At least there aren’t whips and chains involved in your servitude. Then again, maybe you’d like it that way.

  5. Ok, now I’m sensitve to the topic of commenting…because I do enjoy the comments field…….but read my blog and you’ll see.

    I can TELL you about the unwashed masses?…..seeing as I work for state government, but would that be inappropriate? blogging in your blog? Recounting my own experiences?

    Read me and tell me if I can comment or not. I don’t want to be the one upper in your life…..

  6. WOW. Those are some winners! I hope the librarians don’t have a nickname for me when I go in. It’s probably “she who takes out too many books” or something.

  7. So, when I was drinking, I would often show up at the library, half cooked, and use the internet to find a job. I’m not sure I was showered and I’m pretty sure I smelled like a bar most of the time. I wonder what they called me. Stupid fuck drunk girl?

  8. Ok, whew…Crissy has given the ok for me to talk without guilt..

    Unwashed Masses………how does stale beer, stale cigarettes and really scary dental issues sound? These would be your friendly BAIL BONDSMEN that our department licenses. And these are the FEMALE BAIL BONDSMEN……hahah…no, the guys are pretty nasty too….

    Or the people who call in regarding their Professional License and are FLUSHING THE TOILET as I pick up their call….

    Or the ones who belch on the phone?

    Or the one who asks their friendly STATE GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE how we like various politicians…….

    Or the ones who ask me what kind of ASSHOLES are we? Meaning what kind of assholes are our department employees?

    OR that think I don’t pay taxes since I’m a State employee

    Or those that can’t speak English without slang….(What is they phone numbuh….)

    The various forms of humanity that either come into our building or that call us AMAZE me every single day…..

    Oh, and the names……..want some funny names?

    Kuntz
    Poon
    Head

    Try to talk to POON on the phone and not laugh out loud.

    There are people that make out on our couch in the reception area……there are people who’ve come in and run to the BATHROOM VOMITING but they ‘really needed their paperwork handled’so they came in anyway……but boy do they feel TERRIBLE.

    The ones that come in with the nastiest body odor ever.

    Although my internet friends never would stoop so low, humankind amazes me…..AMAZES ME….with it’s failure to attempt to be normal. Whatever normal is.

  9. I am hoping one day to be exactly like that old lady. That is my dream. Except instead of a book of wedding quotes I’ll be reading smut.

  10. “you take the good, you take the bad, you take them all and then you have the facts of life oh the facts of life”

    I miss that show.

    and I’m sad that it does in fact make me old that I know that song.

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