Crissy’s Chuck E. Cheese Style Achievement Awards!!!

On Saturday night Crissy and Mister took Girlfriend to Chuck E. Cheese for the first time and holy shit you guys. If Savers was crawling with Poor Monkey Breath People, Chuck E. Cheese was loaded with Mutants Who Smell Like Feet .

It was sooooo dirty and stinky that when Crissy picked up a salt shaker to salt her cardboardish pizza IT STUCK TO HER HAND!!!

But Girlfriend had a wonderful time because a three year old’s standards for cleanliness and politeness are far lower than Crissy’s. For example, Girlfriend thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to pick her nose and it’s even okay to pick a friend’s nose every now and again.

Crissy is just glad Girlfriend isn’t one of those handsy in the pantsy kids.

And Crissy didn’t have an entirely bad time because Mister let her use his camera (!) and she was excited to look around and see all of the blog fodderishness and she was able to take a few pictures of some of the Mutants Who Smell Like Feet so that it’s almost like we were all there experiencing it together.

This may provide an excellent means of birth control for those of you who are childless at the moment. Trust me if you have a child you will find yourself in Chuck E. Cheese at some point. You may thank me now for saving you from this fate.

So, without further ado, it’s Crissy’s Chuck E. Cheese Style Achievement Awards!!! or the Mutants Who Smell Like Feet Awards!!!


Best All Around Muffin Top


Most Creative use of Dollar Store Hair Color


Worlds Largest Tee Shirt and Shorts Combo


The First Pair of Farmer Jeans Worn by Anyone Over the Age of 3 that Crissy Has Seen Since the 90’s and Crissy is Shocked She’s Not Carrying a Teddy Bear Back Pack to Complete the Whole “I Have the Mentality of a Preschooler” Award.


The I’m Too Sexy For My Fucking Tee Shirt Award


Best Use of Most Inappropriate Hat worn to a Children’s Venue


Pretty In Pink with the Shoes to Match Award


The Where the Fuck is Your Mother? Award


And last but not least,

Best Ghetto Whip


Needless to say that when we got home we had to shampoo Girlfriend’s hair with Raid and scrub her body with boiling bleach water and Brillo pads and Crissy is certain that after the swelling and the burning and the redness goes away she’ll be totally fine.

Crissy is certain we will not be able to drive past Chuck E. Cheese without hearing a lot of whining from Girlfriend because she wants to go in and so Crissy is wondering if anyone knows where she can find a bio-hazard suit?

Savers didn’t have any in her size.

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  1. Bravo! (Clapping nasty black CEC’s pizza pans together… vigorously!)

    Chuck E. Cheese’s (along with amusement parks and WalMart) makes me seriously contemplate the fate of our society.

  2. Oh, Chuck E. Cheese…. ah, the memories! I spent many a sweaty foot-smelling day in there! Many birthday parties were held there (hint: Costumed-teenager-dressed-up-like -ChuckE like it when the kids attack and kick them) Once I accidentally leaned on the emergency door and set the alarm off; embarassing, yet hysterical!

  3. mmmmm that’s EXACTLY the kind of place I like to chow down in. Places where you don’t have to waste your time holding on to the salt shaker, it’ll just hang out in your palm until you’re ready again!

  4. Oh, the nasty of childhood. I am FOREVER grateful that I have teenagers…..and all I must deal with are used condoms at freshman football games. Gross. But I don’t have to TOUCH it or be NEAR it…….there’s an amusement place around here called Miner Mikes…..and it’s the nastiest place on earth. It has ball pits, jungle gyms, video games and rides that all the nasty little children TOUCH, SLOBBER ON and probably poop in……my kids used to LOVE the place……..we went to Chuck E. Cheese once with each of them….and that was enough….

    You say teenagers are awful, but I DARE you to put up a bunch of screaming school children and toddlers (yours excluded, of course) as opposed to teenage angst. I’ll take the teens anyday.

    I bet I can one-up you on your Monkey Breath people….at Son #1’s football game on Monday….a MOTHER…..a mother of a player proceeded to SCREAM at her kid “Get your thumb out of your butt and DO SOMETHING” She proceeded to explain her actions by saying that last year the coaches ‘got her in trouble’ for screaming the word ASS to the 8th graders… she couldn’t say ass anymore….and she needed to ‘piss her son off’ so he’d tackle more effectively. Nice Monkey Breath folks…….this is the lady who had a cooler with doritos and a pound of bologna for her kids to snack on….no bread…no crackers….just round, red rimmed bologna for them to roll up and eat. Shudder. Seriously.

  5. Shelly, I must disagree with you; teenagers are infinitely grosser than toddlers! You should smell my basement after my sons band has finished playing for 2 hours; sweat, dirty hair, cigarettes, crotch and feet.

  6. Thank you, Crissy. I had almost forgotten to schedule my appointment for ECT (because a few thousand volts to the brain helps quell the Chuck E. Cheese nightmares).

    I do not understand why Chuck E. Cheese makes kids so happy. I tend to think it’s an evil cult and that there are subliminal messages in the music they play at Chuck E. Cheese that stops just short of instructing the little heathens to “kill mommy and daddy and come be with us forEVAR.”

    I applaud you for your bravery and hope that you remembered to scrub yourself, too. With very hot water and lots and lots of soap… the feets smell…lingers..(wish very much this was not the voice of experience…)

  7. Lynne…oh the smell….I know, but you don’t have to hold a teens hand like a toddler’s hand that is teeming with all sorts of things picked up at daycare or school……and you never KNOW when a toddler is getting sick, until they are full blown sick, and that’s after they’ve sat on you for hours and drank after you and everything…

    Teenagers are gross in their own way, but I generally don’t have to TOUCH their gross….ya know?

  8. Chuck E Cheese is so wrong on so many levels, not the least of which is the whole cleanliness thing. I mean, a giant mouse wandering around? Those little “stage shows” they had there traumatized me. I always liked better the places that had no theme, but only had crazy tunnels to crawl through and games to play. And ball pits. Balls are a requirement! (I realize how this sounds, given that I’m gay and all; and while that’s true, too, I’m referring here to the plastic balls they have in the tunnel playgrounds, like at Burger King and McDonald’s and Dairy Queens that are cool enough to have playgrounds.)

  9. Went to one and was having an okay time….until a party of 5 year olds joined us in the tubes and promptly left after one of them peed all over the slides

    true story


  10. OH yes, the ball pit – the place to ‘go’ when the line at the rest room is too long. ewwwwww (yes, we took our kids). But the best place to have birthday parties – relatively cheap, you don’t have to clean up your house afterwards, and they also serve beer.

  11. I think the dog park is more sanitary than the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese. Maybe you can take Girlfriends to hang out with Alice’s buds at the dog park. I mean really, folks! You are taking your kids to eat at a place whose mascot is a RAT!! Doesn’t that tell you something?

  12. Oh yeah. If I had kids, they wouldn’t be allowed to leave the house. It’s bad enough I have to go to the grocery store once a month, I don’t need any more reasons to go out there.

  13. Forget the bio-hazard suit. I’m not sure that would protect Girlfriend enough. What you need is a GPS system to get you an alternate route that does not include driving by CEC.

  14. you can just tell with “muffin top” that the pants are WAAAAAAAAAAY too small.

    the other thing that was great foreshadowing was the pile of trash, rubbish, and litter strewn around the front door. i’m kicking myself for not taking a pic of that.

  15. Look at it this way. Girlfriend is now totally immunized against foreign bacteria. Her body can protect itself now. No antibiotics necessary!

    Plus, you know, they have pizza there.

  16. When I worked with kids that had behavioral disorders in NC, the end of the summer treat was a trip to just such a place. And all summer, the other counselors were making fun of me for teaching my kids to use things like – um – NAPKINS and to use kleenex while blowing their noses and to WASH their hands and all that mumbo jumbo and guess what? My kids were grossed out and we got to leave early. MWHAHAHAHAHA!

  17. the salt shaker really was sticky.

    as was the vinegar bottle (i put vinegar on my pizza–don’t knock it ’till you try it).

    in fact, when i wrapped the vinegar bottle with a napkin, it stuck right on. i left it on when i put the bottle back next to the salad bar.

  18. Birth control indeed. I guess if not having kids means I never have to step foot in Chuck E. Cheese’s it’s worth it.

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