Sockettes, Why Dost Thou Disappoint Me So?

Crissy went on a little bit of a shopping spree on Saturday sans Girlfriend and it was glorious. She was able to try on clothes without spending the entire time arguing with Girlfriend about getting out of the stroller (she peed under a rack at Old Navy once and Crissy had to use a Clearance sweater to mop it up. It’s okay though because the sweater was u.g.l.y.) or searching her bag for a cup of juice, a bag of bunny crackers, or her beloved die cast Thomas the Tank Engine.

And Crissy got a bunch of essential things like pants for work and her first pair of skinny jeans since 1986 and she’d show you pictures but you really don’t give a rat’s ass and also Crissy got some things she’s needed for a while but just put off getting.

Like these little Sockettes, for example:

They’re actually called shoe liners but Crissy thinks Sockettes is better. Try saying it.

Sockettes.

Now try it with an Outrageous French Accent.

Sockettes! Awhuhuhuhaw!

See?

Fun.

For the uninitiated, these little jobbies are meant to be worn in lieu of socks so that the wearer can look stylishly sock-less whilst her tootsies stay warm and dry and comfy all day long.

They’re supposed to HIDE in the shoe.

As in not visible.

They are the most bullshit product ever made.

Granted the ones pictured above are not the ones Crissy bought. She got the Target brand ones but really they’re the same thing and Crissy was sooo excited about her new Sockettes that she rushed home to try them out with all her favorite shoes and this is what happened:

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FAIL.

Big. Giant. Fail.

So Crissy has decided that what she will do instead is just go the opposite direction and just wear the loudest, most obvious socks she can find.

These are rather nice…

Puet sucez mon pénis, Sockettes.

Awhuhuhuhaw!

I’ll Kill You Twice, Bitch

This weekend Crissy took Girlfriend to dancing class which is going rather well except for the lovely habit girlfriend is in now where she participates and enjoys and then drops to the floor and starts to cry approximately 10 minutes before the class ends and the teacher winds up dancing with Girlfriend on her hip while she puts her hands down the teacher’s shirt.

Crissy thinks this may be an elaborate plan because Girlfriend might be a lezzie.

We’ll see.

And we were waiting for class to begin and Girlfriend was in the play area with another little dancer and she went up to her and very sweetly said “would you like to play with me?” and the Little Cuntbitch looked her up and down, put a puss on her face and was all “No. I’m here to dance.

And Crissy’s heart broke into a thousandy million tiny pieces as Little Cuntbitch’s mommy giggled like “oh aren’t they sweet?” and looked on with pride as if her kid didn’t just snub my kid and Crissy wanted to pull her greasy fucking pony tail right off her head and beat her with it. Crissy thought about making a comment to Little Cuntbitch’s mommy like “nice sweatpants, cow. I’m going to kill you now.” but she wants to set a good example for Girlfriend and so entertained homicidal fantasies in her head as is proper behavior for a mom at dance class with her daughter. Crissy is pretty sure she made the right choice. Also, Michele and Alena weren’t there yet for backup and Crissy was not sure how many of the other mommies were friends with Little Cuntbitch’s mommy.

Crissy would have played out the violence in her head with her Barbies for you but she just now thought of it.

Sorry.

Maybe for tomorrow.

And Girlfriend seemed totally unphased by it but can Crissy get real with you Queefs for a moment?

It brought Crissy right back to her formative years when Crissy was a wee little Crissy and had the misfortune of being a lowly teacher’s daughter in a town full of rich assholes whose children excluded her and made fun of her because her clothes weren’t Jet Set or Esprit or Liz Claiborne and her mom drove this:

instead of this:

And we didn’t go on vacations to Bermuda or Hawaii. We took picnics to the park and the zoo for our vacations.

And Crissy had only one other little kid who would play with her because Puttin’ on the Ritz (that’s what the Mean Girl gang called themselves) didn’t like her either because her dad was a teacher too and her mom had a beat up old Volkswagen Rabbit and she had 8 brothers and sisters and wore hand me downs and smelled like cabbage.

Oh how Puttin’ on the Ritz made Crissy’s childhood painful. And Crissy took it all like a bitch because she didn’t know how to handle a bully and instead was always trying to get out of school with multiple fake illnesses because she didn’t want to face the mean girls.

Sniffle.

Sigh.

And Crissy knows this isn’t the only time some little twat is going to be mean to Girlfriend and so Crissy is just thinking of taking her out of dancing class and putting her in Ninjutsu class instead because fuck the dumb shit.

Girlfriend should be kicking ass and asking questions later.

How long do you Queefs figure it will take for Girlfriend to become a Ninja?

PS: Wanna win a free purse?  Click here and go visit Handbag Planet to find out how!

It’s a TOOMA!!!

Crissy has a very big problem.

She’d show it to you, but she has a very strict policy against being ugly in front of her Queefs.

Also it won’t fit into the frame of the picture.

Crissy would call it a zit or a pimple but that would be an understatement. Those words are too cute.

It’s more like this:

It’s a second face growing on Crissy’s chin.

Nay.

It’s more like a small town growing on Crissy’s chin.

It has applied for it’s own zip code.

And it wouldn’t surprise Crissy to see this thing if she wasn’t so meticulous about her skincare regimen or if she was expecting her period.

But she is and she’s not.

So WHAT THE FUCKING FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCK????

WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS????

How is Crissy supposed to enjoy her weekend?

And Crissy has tried to cover it up with some concealer and some loose powder but it just slides off the sides and creates a bulls-eye type ring around it instead.

Sort of like Saturn.

And Crissy has been trying to burn it off by obsessively putting Retin-A on it every thirty seconds or so. This seems to be working but Crissy doesn’t think that Shane, her face doctor, would approve of this method.

But Shane doesn’t have to walk around with this thing on his face so he can just suck Crissy’s dick.

So what Crissy wants to know is if her Queefs have any better ideas for how she can make this thing go away.

Like,

Right.

Fucking.

NOW.

Kick you in the Crotch and Spit Down your Neck Fantastic!

The lovely people at Coach know that Crissy loves her fun and colorful mommy purses and so whenever they have a new fabulousness coming out they shoot her an email because they know it will make her hate her life by showing her another beauteous thing she cannot have. And it makes them feel very happy and superior and snotty.

And here is the latest.

It’s the Sabrina bag from the new Madison collection and it’s only $358.

It’s practically free when you think about it.

And Crissy likey.

Crissy wanty.

Crissy whines but Mister no buy-y no matter how much Crissy promises the suck-y fuck-y.

He just goes on and on about oil and food and something about winter and tits freezing off and Crissy puts her fingers in her ears and shouts “lalalalalalalalala! I can’t hear you boring man!”

Sigh.

You Queefs know how much Crissy loves her bags don’t you?

Remember this one?

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And how much Crissy loved it?

And do you know what Crissy found in that dark abyss when she cleaned it out yesterday Queefs?
No?
Well, she will tell you because Crissy finds her purse contents fascinating.

  • 1 umbrella
  • wallet containing receipts but no money.
  • coupon organizer with no coupons in it because Crissy can never remember to bring them.
  • Life organizer with like three things written in it from January when Crissy swore she would become someone who is organized and writes her appointments down in a calendar instead of on scraps of paper which promptly get lost and leave Crissy apologizing to Dr. office staff personnel for missing the appointment and please do not charge her $25 for being a moron.
  • (ahem…)

  • kleenex
  • Sally beauty supply membership card
  • ginger candy she put in her bag for her pregnant friend Jennifer to help with the puking but Jennifer had the baby already (it’s a BOY!) and Crissy never got it to her. Maybe next time.
  • one plastic tube thing of honey
  • one partially eaten strawberry Cow’s Tail
  • 2 lipsticks. I Mary Kay lipstick in Shell down to a tiny nub (Hi Rachel! Consider this my order for more Shell)
  • 1 sample size tube of concealer because you never know when you’re going to have to conceal a gun or a knife or an eight ball of coke or something.
  • keys. duh.
  • sunglasses. double duh.
  • 1 grape Fruitabu
  • gum. Crissy has a very serious gum addiction
  • 3 pens including one with a frog wearing boxing gloves and when you press the buttons he punches you.
  • Princess Jasmine panties
  • Old navy khaki shorts size 3T
  • one hair elastic
  • one hair clip
  • One My Little Pony
  • Chuck E. Cheese tokens
  • 16 gum wrappers
  • unidentifiable dirt like substance

And so what if Crissy treats her purse like a dumpster?

If she had her new Sabrina bag she wouldn’t do that.

She swears it.

So you guys are going to chip in and get it for her right?

If everyone donates a dollar, and Crissy has more readers than 358 every day so not everyone would have to (Crissy is looking at YOU, Cheapy Cheapingtons. She bets you haven’t voted yet either), then she could have her Sabrina and everyone would be happy.

RIGHT???

huh? HUH???

Who’s with Crissy?

WOOT?

woot?

Schmuckytown Woods: The Place to See Weird Stuff

And then the Crissys came across the third and final bizarre site just off the Equestrian trails at Schmuckytown Woods this past Sunday as if you guys didn’t know where the Crissys went this weekend by now. Crissy promises she will shut. up. about the fucking woods already after this.

It’s like she’s never been before. wtf?

Anyway, here it is:

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What the hell?

It was a tree decorated with beads and feathers and angels and all kinds of random crap.

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And contrary to what Crissy thought it was not even a memorial for some poor dead Woodland Gay or anything.

And the rocks around the bottom of it had stuff written on them too. The handwriting was different on all of them and Crissy is certain that at some point in the very recent past a bucket full of crazy was poured on this poor tree and it’s surrounding woodland accoutrements.

Wait. Is that a kabbalah string hanging from that stick?

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Also, as evidenced by the rainbow flag, they are clearly Woodland Gay friendly.

Here are the rocks Crissy mentioned:

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And one rock that you maybe can’t see here said that if Crissy needs a miracle she should take a leaf but Crissy is all stocked up on crazy at the moment so she didn’t take one.

But do you Queefs think there might be some of those Miracle leaves left because Crissy’s thinking that maybe she should have taken one anyway just in case the coo-coo for coco puffs crazy people are right.

It’s the same feeling of self doubt that she gets when she deletes all those emails that say “if you don’t forward this to ten friends in the next 5.2 seconds your head will turn to lime jello and start to smell like fish.”

What if it actually happens?