Crissy is Really 11 Years Old!!!!! No Shit.

Crissy has been feeling like an old woman lately.

Well, actually, since birth Crissy has just been ty-id and old.

As a wee little Crissy I was always the first one to fall asleep at sleepover parties and the other sweet little cherubs tortured me. One time I woke up with cheetos crushed in my hair and a waste basket on my head and I also know from personal experience that sticking a sleeping person’s hand in warm water makes them pee in their Smurfette sleeping bag.

Do we understand why Crissy loves her vodka now?

The emotional scars run mighty deep people.

I’ve been to doctors like a millionty hundred times and had test after test until I thought my doctor was secretly a vampire and was just drinking the shit instead of testing it. As it turns out there’s absolutely nothing wrong with me. Everything is fine which lead her to assume that I must have a sleeping issue and so referred me to some sleep specialist dude who looked exactly like the husband in Sleeping with the Enemy. I shit you not.

Needless to say I did not go through with the sleep study. I prefer to self medicate with drugs and booze a healthy diet and regular exercise anyway so the doctor can just eat shit. Or drink my blood or come to my house and stalk me in my sleep or whatever.

But this is frustrating as hell because all I want, all I have ever wanted is to not feel like I’m 80.

I drag myself through my day and all I want to do at the end of it is read my book or stare at the tee-vee and do nothing. Except maybe all that stuff with a bag or doritos and a hot fudge sundae. And someone needs to feed it to me because I’m too tired to move.

And that leads us to the second thing Crissy wants today. Crissy wants all of her exercising and eating well and downing diet pills like Popeye downs the spinach taking care of herself to pay off by actually making her feel healthy.

But no.

I still feel 80.

So Mister suggested I take this handy little quiz, which I did and here is my report card:


And so great news! I’m really 11.8 years old!

Actually I can believe that mentally I am 11 because all I want are tap shoes, a new bike, and more time during the day to play Barbies. And I really just want hot fudge sundaes for dinner every night.

Woot! Woot!

So how old are you people?

Click the linky and report back.


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  1. Bio Age = 41
    Virtual age = 30.3
    Life Expectancy = 85.4

    So, you see, Crissy, you are not old. I, on the other hand, am almost as old as dirt. Things that had a negative impact on my score = divorced, VERY stressed, and HATE, nay, LOATHE my job (which wasn’t an option but I made sure I maxed out the meter).

    My only solace is that I did not have a virtual age OLDER than my bio age. Scuse me while I go have some All Bran and Prune Juice and chase those damn kids off my lawn!

  2. Shelly- So you should be out partying and shopping and stuff.

    Rachel M.- Wow! You’re 4? You’re right. You win. Now stop peeing your pants!

    Admin- You need to get married and find a new job! Like, now!

  3. Marie- I’ll totally play Barbies with you!

    Lynne- Clearly. And the Jazzercize helps too.

    Stealthnerd- Oh come on. You act at least 6 or 7!

    Admin- Ooooo. Yeah. Maybe just a nice friend then?

    Melissa- I need to figure out how to put some sort of edit function on this thing. We knew what you meant though so now worries there sweet tits.


  4. Found you through Ben’s blog!

    I always feel 80 too… never rested. I can sleep for days and still feel like crap. I’m thinking about doing a sleep study soon.

    I took the virtual age thingy and my results are:
    Biological age: 24
    Virtual age: 12.8
    Life expectancy: 85.2

    Loving your blog… and that Carmen Electra video? Best thing I’ve seen all week. Hilarious.

  5. I think finding out my virtual age would just stress me out and add years. People are always telling me to stop being a whiny baby so I figure I’m somewhere in my toddler years.

  6. The doctors lie. They’re always sending people home with “stress” when they actually have a bad case of the cancer and stuff. Not that you have the cancer. I’m just saying don’t trust them if you think you’re broken and they tell you you’re not. They don’t know.

  7. Biological age: 34
    Virtual age: 17.3
    Life Expectancy: 90.7

    Dude, how the heck did you work your way down to 11 years old. You’re like uber healthy. Probably because you sleep all the time and get more than the 6 hours of sleep I normally get.

  8. So it looks like, in addition to being one of your new gays, I’m also almost the same age!

    Biological age: 24
    Virtual age: 11.1

    Average Life Expectancy: 74
    Phil’s Awesome Life Expectancy: 86.9

    Regardless, there are many, many more gay years to go. And by the time I turn 80, I plan on being the most crotchety old man possible. Because that’s how I roll.

  9. I don’t think I should get shafted just because I can’t find me a husband after the last one croaked. I mean seriously. And that’s what all the depression, anxiety and drinking and smoking is about. The damn dead guy. So, if I hadn’t met him, I might get to live longer? What a crock of shit. Seriously. Phht.

    I think I’m going to start drinking again.

    Maybe not.

    It says I’m not old enough to.

  10. We’re twins! My virtual age is 11.7! My biological age is 26.

    Chuckles is always telling me I could be a gold medalist if sleeping was an Olympic sport. It sounds like you could be on the team with me.

  11. Dingo- I don’t know how accurate this thing it. I mean seriously. I have the body of an 11 year old. My boobs are the only thing about my body that’s 11.

    Neth- Please stop begging for sex on my blog. It’s pathetic.

    Megan- It’s true. They have no clue.

    Meagan K- HOLY CRAP! You win for the day!

    Nilsa- This test is bullshit. I mean you work in a gym for goodness sake! That’s healthy!

    Arielle- It doesn’t surprise me in the least.

    Phil- I’m already a crotchety old man. I’ll reserve a rocking chair for you.

    k8- Really? I’m so sorry!!! It makes me feel like a real douche for drinking because I peed in my sleeping bag when I was 7.

  12. Megkathleen- We would dominate! We should write to the Olympic dudes and suggest it. I can start training as early as tonight.

    Matt- Somebody likes to party doesn’t he?

  13. No worries Crissy! That’s where all the good therapy and drugs come in. I’m so totally ready to move on! And get laid or something like that….

  14. @Amanda: Thank you Amanda! I thought about the sleep study but I was scared to wind up with a C-PAP and look like a freak show. So I guess I’d rather suffer.

  15. My virtual age is 25. This explains why I still get carded everywhere I go.

    That and the fat sucked out of small european children that I have injected into my face every two weeks.

  16. Real Age: 41
    Virtual Age: 36.9
    Dead by: 78.1

    Definitely need to change my lifestyle. Living til 78 is not an option. I’ll wipe my own butt, thank you.

  17. Sorry you are feeling shitty. I wonder how many of your remaining 22700 days on earth have to pass before you start feeling better? And I’m pretty sure you could rock that cpap mask OUT!

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