Crissy has been feeling like an old woman lately.
Well, actually, since birth Crissy has just been ty-id and old.
As a wee little Crissy I was always the first one to fall asleep at sleepover parties and the other sweet little cherubs tortured me. One time I woke up with cheetos crushed in my hair and a waste basket on my head and I also know from personal experience that sticking a sleeping person’s hand in warm water makes them pee in their Smurfette sleeping bag.
Do we understand why Crissy loves her vodka now?
The emotional scars run mighty deep people.
I’ve been to doctors like a millionty hundred times and had test after test until I thought my doctor was secretly a vampire and was just drinking the shit instead of testing it. As it turns out there’s absolutely nothing wrong with me. Everything is fine which lead her to assume that I must have a sleeping issue and so referred me to some sleep specialist dude who looked exactly like the husband in Sleeping with the Enemy. I shit you not.
Needless to say I did not go through with the sleep study. I prefer to self medicate with drugs and booze a healthy diet and regular exercise anyway so the doctor can just eat shit. Or drink my blood or come to my house and stalk me in my sleep or whatever.
But this is frustrating as hell because all I want, all I have ever wanted is to not feel like I’m 80.
I drag myself through my day and all I want to do at the end of it is read my book or stare at the tee-vee and do nothing. Except maybe all that stuff with a bag or doritos and a hot fudge sundae. And someone needs to feed it to me because I’m too tired to move.
And that leads us to the second thing Crissy wants today. Crissy wants all of her exercising and eating well and downing diet pills like Popeye downs the spinach taking care of herself to pay off by actually making her feel healthy.
But no.
I still feel 80.
So Mister suggested I take this handy little quiz, which I did and here is my report card:
And so great news! I’m really 11.8 years old!
Actually I can believe that mentally I am 11 because all I want are tap shoes, a new bike, and more time during the day to play Barbies. And I really just want hot fudge sundaes for dinner every night.
Woot! Woot!
So how old are you people?
Click the linky http://www.peterrussell.com/Odds/VirtualAge.php and report back.
DO IT!
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August 28th, 2008 at 8:44 am
ok, my biological age is 42. My virtual age is 23.6, and my virtual life expectancy is 93.4 yrs.
August 28th, 2008 at 8:51 am
Bio age- 28
Virt. age- 4.7
Expect.- 97.3
Suck it!
And when you are done with that gimmie my blankey!
August 28th, 2008 at 9:00 am
Bio Age = 41
Virtual age = 30.3
Life Expectancy = 85.4
So, you see, Crissy, you are not old. I, on the other hand, am almost as old as dirt. Things that had a negative impact on my score = divorced, VERY stressed, and HATE, nay, LOATHE my job (which wasn’t an option but I made sure I maxed out the meter).
My only solace is that I did not have a virtual age OLDER than my bio age. Scuse me while I go have some All Bran and Prune Juice and chase those damn kids off my lawn!
August 28th, 2008 at 9:33 am
Shelly- So you should be out partying and shopping and stuff.
Rachel M.- Wow! You’re 4? You’re right. You win. Now stop peeing your pants!
Admin- You need to get married and find a new job! Like, now!
August 28th, 2008 at 9:34 am
Ok this is just too awesome. Here are my results:
Bio Age=29
Virtual Age=8.5
Life Expectancy=94.5
Can we go play barbies now?
August 28th, 2008 at 9:39 am
Bio age: 47
Virtual age: 26.4
Life expectancy: 99.4
It pays to be boring.
August 28th, 2008 at 9:46 am
I’m 8.1. Which is about 4 years older than how I normally act:P
August 28th, 2008 at 9:59 am
I am searching for a new job (in between reading comments here on your blog).
After three unsuccessful marriages, I believe I am done with the whole marriage thing.
August 28th, 2008 at 10:02 am
Oh god, I don’t want to do that. There’s probably a weight one too. Your weight = 135, Your virtual weighr= 226.
August 28th, 2008 at 10:03 am
Oh my god, why couldn’t I correct that spelling? I’m lame.
August 28th, 2008 at 10:16 am
bio 34
virtual 17
avg ex 74
ex 91
you’re gonna outlive me by 5 years? that’s bs. i’m taking you with me on my way out.
August 28th, 2008 at 10:27 am
Wow, I’m a teenager again!
I’m virtually 13 years old, will live to 94, and can expect 22,300 more days to live.
Imagine all the blog posts I can write!
August 28th, 2008 at 10:33 am
Marie- I’ll totally play Barbies with you!
Lynne- Clearly. And the Jazzercize helps too.
Stealthnerd- Oh come on. You act at least 6 or 7!
Admin- Ooooo. Yeah. Maybe just a nice friend then?
Melissa- I need to figure out how to put some sort of edit function on this thing. We knew what you meant though so now worries there sweet tits.
Neth- STOP EATING CRAP AND SMOKING THE MARY JANE AND MAYBE YOU’LL LIVE!!!!
August 28th, 2008 at 10:40 am
bio 39
virtual 25.9
avg ex 75
ex 88.1
must be my crappy diet and stress!
August 28th, 2008 at 10:44 am
Aznman- You guys need to stop with the junk food at work. For reallys. Also, try massage for stress relief. Aren’t the Chinese good at that shit?
August 28th, 2008 at 10:52 am
Found you through Ben’s blog!
I always feel 80 too… never rested. I can sleep for days and still feel like crap. I’m thinking about doing a sleep study soon.
I took the virtual age thingy and my results are:
Biological age: 24
Virtual age: 12.8
Life expectancy: 85.2
Loving your blog… and that Carmen Electra video? Best thing I’ve seen all week. Hilarious.
August 28th, 2008 at 11:11 am
I think finding out my virtual age would just stress me out and add years. People are always telling me to stop being a whiny baby so I figure I’m somewhere in my toddler years.
August 28th, 2008 at 11:15 am
i need more massages.
with happy endings.
August 28th, 2008 at 11:27 am
The doctors lie. They’re always sending people home with “stress” when they actually have a bad case of the cancer and stuff. Not that you have the cancer. I’m just saying don’t trust them if you think you’re broken and they tell you you’re not. They don’t know.
August 28th, 2008 at 11:31 am
I kick EVERYON’E ASS!
bio age: 22
VIRTUAL AGE: -.08 YS
life expectancy: 96.8
WHOO HOO - I’M FUCKING IN UTERO BITCHES!
August 28th, 2008 at 11:31 am
OR EN UTERO - WHATEVER.
Why were my caps still on? I don’t know. Fuck.
August 28th, 2008 at 11:49 am
Biological age: 34
Virtual age: 17.3
Life Expectancy: 90.7
Dude, how the heck did you work your way down to 11 years old. You’re like uber healthy. Probably because you sleep all the time and get more than the 6 hours of sleep I normally get.
August 28th, 2008 at 11:53 am
I am only 3.9. I think it’s because I’m a Skilled Craftsman.
August 28th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
So it looks like, in addition to being one of your new gays, I’m also almost the same age!
Biological age: 24
Virtual age: 11.1
Average Life Expectancy: 74
Phil’s Awesome Life Expectancy: 86.9
Regardless, there are many, many more gay years to go. And by the time I turn 80, I plan on being the most crotchety old man possible. Because that’s how I roll.
August 28th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
I don’t think I should get shafted just because I can’t find me a husband after the last one croaked. I mean seriously. And that’s what all the depression, anxiety and drinking and smoking is about. The damn dead guy. So, if I hadn’t met him, I might get to live longer? What a crock of shit. Seriously. Phht.
I think I’m going to start drinking again.
Maybe not.
It says I’m not old enough to.
August 28th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
We’re twins! My virtual age is 11.7! My biological age is 26.
Chuckles is always telling me I could be a gold medalist if sleeping was an Olympic sport. It sounds like you could be on the team with me.
August 28th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
Fucking Weak.
Age = 26
Virtual Age= 25.5
August 28th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
Dingo- I don’t know how accurate this thing it. I mean seriously. I have the body of an 11 year old. My boobs are the only thing about my body that’s 11.
Neth- Please stop begging for sex on my blog. It’s pathetic.
Megan- It’s true. They have no clue.
Meagan K- HOLY CRAP! You win for the day!
Nilsa- This test is bullshit. I mean you work in a gym for goodness sake! That’s healthy!
Arielle- It doesn’t surprise me in the least.
Phil- I’m already a crotchety old man. I’ll reserve a rocking chair for you.
k8- Really? I’m so sorry!!! It makes me feel like a real douche for drinking because I peed in my sleeping bag when I was 7.
August 28th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
Bio - 29
Virtual - 11.7
We can keep drinking as much as we do Kristen!
August 28th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
Megkathleen- We would dominate! We should write to the Olympic dudes and suggest it. I can start training as early as tonight.
Matt- Somebody likes to party doesn’t he?
August 28th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
Chris- I know!!! Isn’t it great? CHEERS!
August 28th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
No worries Crissy! That’s where all the good therapy and drugs come in. I’m so totally ready to move on! And get laid or something like that….
August 28th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
@Arjewtino: I would never want to be a teenager again. That was just awful!
August 28th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
@Amanda: Thank you Amanda! I thought about the sleep study but I was scared to wind up with a C-PAP and look like a freak show. So I guess I’d rather suffer.
August 28th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
Bio Age: 24
Virtual Age: 15.7
Living to be: 82.3
Crap, i’m a teenager again.
August 28th, 2008 at 1:23 pm
My virtual age is 25. This explains why I still get carded everywhere I go.
That and the fat sucked out of small european children that I have injected into my face every two weeks.
August 28th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
like EVERYONE couldn’t use more happy ending massages?!
August 28th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
I hope you get an EZ Bake oven for your birthday
August 28th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
Well I’ll be damned.
Real age - 24
Virtual age - 23.2
August 28th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
August 28th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
Biological age: 22
Virtual Age: 14.4!
Honestly, that’s about right.
August 28th, 2008 at 9:52 pm
Real Age: 41
Virtual Age: 36.9
Dead by: 78.1
Definitely need to change my lifestyle. Living til 78 is not an option. I’ll wipe my own butt, thank you.
August 28th, 2008 at 10:36 pm
real age 28. virtual age 13.7
not too shabby in my opinion!
August 29th, 2008 at 12:18 am
real age 34 virtual age 18.5, I can live with that HEY!
and it says I’ll live to be 89.5.
but that’s it, no 90th birthday for me.
August 29th, 2008 at 11:33 am
Sorry you are feeling shitty. I wonder how many of your remaining 22700 days on earth have to pass before you start feeling better? And I’m pretty sure you could rock that cpap mask OUT!
August 29th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
where is todays fucking post dammit???!!!!???
September 1st, 2008 at 6:43 pm
aznman, even the QOFE takes national holidays off.
Hope everybody had a safe and happy Labor Day!