Crissy Seen it on the Tee-Vee and Now She Wants it.

Infomercials

Crissy wants anything she sees on the infomercials because when she wakes up at the vag crack of dawn every day, that’s all that’s on. And you tend to be gullible at 5am. At least Crissy does.

And now Crissy has a hanerking, a desire, a yearnin’ for the following products which are certain to improve her life in ways she never imagined possible.

First up are these little beauties:

Because Crissy does not think her fiber cereal is doing enough to help her clean her colon so it’s either this stuff or a pipe cleaner. Mister has already generously volunteered the use of his-oh forget it! Let’s just say that Crissy would rather use the Dual Action Colon Cleansing System than take it in the pooper. She only does that on Very Special Nights.

Oh! And I want this!

If this shit can make me look as awesome as Jane Seymore does after having eleventy billion kids and an acting career that spans like, centuries, then sign me up bitch! I’ll take two!

And how can I live without this for another second?

It takes baby powder off the floor in a Jiffy! And look how happy she is! She’s just all “I’m a cleanin’, uh-huh, with my shark-y, oh ye-ah, and you don’t have one, na-uh, cuz you su-uck.” I don’t want to suck. I want to STEAM! Because I never roll around on the floor like I should and it’s only cuz it isn’t Shark Steam Mop clean!

And I don’t know when I’ll find the time to watch this, but I still want it.

Does it not look fucking hilarious? I think it even comes with a Martini and a Lucky Strike. How can you go wrong Queefs?

You can’t.

You cannot go wrong with the Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts.

And just in case I ever get The Acne I’ll have to have a supply of this on hand:

It’s glamorous because all the slightly crazy celebrities like Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jessica Simpson and I think Britney Spears use it. Not that Britney Spears is only slightly crazy. She’s a fucking giant Super Size bag of crazy, but you know. Her skin is okay.

Ugh. So many things that I want, you guys.

This is exactly why Crissy does not watch QVC. No matter how tempting it is to shop from her bed, she will not allow herself to do it because once Crissy has tasted paradise you will never hear from her again and she will become one of those pathetic trailer park ladies sitting in her brown and gold plaid Barcalounger with a Misty hanging out of her mouth and a can of Natural Light in her hand at 5am.

She’s not that far from it now…

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35 comments

  1. Hi—yes, it’s 6:15 am CDT–and I’m UP…reading you FIRST THING.

    Um…..Crissy? Are you insinuating that Perfectly sits in a Barcalounger drinking whilst ordering stuff from QVC? Huh? Cause you KNOW I’m all about the QVC…….Only, I drink WINE, thank you and I don’t smoke, so STOP stereotyping.

  2. I’m pretty sure I’ve bought nearly every piece of work-out equipment that those shows have to offer. Now Tony Little is advertising SANDALS that apparently give you a workout as you walk? And one of his lines was, “As you’re running around the house trying to hit your kid, YOU’RE WORKING OUT YOUR LEGS IN THESE SHOES!”

  3. I! Want! All! Exercise! Machines!

    Or the bodies of the people modeling them. Guy or girl. I’d take either. See, Jebus? I’m not picky. Just throw me a bone, would ya?

  4. I’m the same way about Britney, she’s bat shit crazy but her skin looks good. Considering that all she eat is Cheetos and Taco Bell whatever she uses on her skin HAS to be great.

    Same reason I would do whatever drugs she and Lohan are on, they still look good….versus Amy Winehouse….

    *shudder*

  5. Shelly- You’re clearly a high class QVC shopper.

    Essentially- #1 I tried to comment on your blog but I can’t figure it out. Am I retarded? #2 What is your favorite piece of equipment? I’m in the market for something great.

    Ben- Me! Too! And ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!! I’d take anything too. Just something better than what I’ve got.

  6. I’ve not owned a TV for two years, so I am now addicted to things like Amazon.com and Ebay. Ebay is like a huge online yard sale or flea market or something and is a very slippery slope. You tell yourself “I can get a real yodeling yak for only a buck 99 plus shipping” and it seems like a good idea because, hey, A BUCK 99!

    I’ve been practicing the Amy Winehouse eyeliner look. Somehow I think that it will not look the same on me as Ms. Winehouse. I think I’d need to do the whole “become an addict, go to rehab and relapse a few times” to truly nail the Winehouse look. But I’m giving her a run for her money on tattoo acquisitions…

  7. Though I’ve not seen the TV ad, I’ve recently become enamored with the Starfiber Mircrofiber Mop. Mainly because Apartment Therapy gave it a good review, and their word is like the word of god for me. And even though I only have about ten square feet total of tile floor in my apartment, I want one anyway.

  8. Have you ever considered a registry for your Internetians? And if you don’t get any presents that way, make it mandatory. Must buy gift before accessing your blog. Nothing wrong with that.

  9. Did you see that commercial with the idiot man who has a beard screaming about Oxy clean products or whatever? He irritates the shit out of me. That’s one product I would NOT want.

  10. My favorite informercial is that guy who screams about everything.

    “OXY CLEAN TAKES THE STAINS OUT OF EVERYTHING!”

    “CALL NOW!”

    “THESE PRODUCTS FILL A GAP IN MY HEART THAT WAS MADE BY MY EX-WIFE!”

  11. My favorite infomercial product didn’t make your list–the vacuuseal. Man, I want that. I’d be vacuusealing everything that came across my path. Leftovers, laundry, stray pigeons. You name it…

  12. Hmmmm, both Jane and Cindy work with Guthy-Renker. Wonder if their products are the same product with different packaging? Although Jane’s is more expensive (ships 90 day supply at a time rather than a month at a time). If it wasn’t for getting auto-enrolled in the auto-ship/auto-bill system I would order a 1 month supply of each and do half my face in one, half in the other and see if there’s a difference.

  13. No, Nilsa…..the registry is for ME and my Ritz vacation and new porch………..I’m crafting a way to get internet donations to fund the stuff I can’t afford.

    Crissy is MORE POPULAR, so she can’t have it first…….maybe when I get my donations, THEN she can get all her ‘as seen on tv’ presents.

  14. I love the guy who screams at the top of his lungs! Too bad Oxyclean doesn’t do a damn thing. I hate the woman who sells that sandwich maker; she has the grossest pointy fingernails! Yucky.

  15. So here’s a picture for you. When I was all drunk all the time, I watched QVC for hours on end. And sometimes, I’d call the people to order the thing and start talking about my sorry shitass life and cry. Now, I’m telling you, the QVC people get this ALL THE TIME. Most of them have enough experience to start earning money in counseling. They were quite enlightening. Most of them told me to knock off the drinking and go to AA in the end, but you know. It filled the time.

  16. Adminerella- Oh I know! Ebay is bad and Craigslist, forget about it!

    Phil- Oh crap! Now I need one of those too!

    Nilsa- That’s Brilliant!

    Marie- IS IT BECAUSE HE’S SHOUTING???

    Maxie- Me too! We’re dumb.

    Chris- HA, HA, HA, HA!!!!

    Stealthnerd- Oh yes! I want one of those!!!

    Meagan K- You know it’s semen. Horse semen.

    Melissa- You’ve met her???? Did you lick her? I would.

    Adminerella- Put the pictures on your blog!

    Shelly- The internet is plenty big enough for two bored, needy women to have thier petty desires fulfilled. Don’t worry.

    Lynne- Oh yeah! That lady is totally gross!

    Neth- That does not surprise me.

    Kiala- Me too! What’s the ballet bar thing? Sounds like something I should try.

  17. Doesn’t Dean Martin look as if he’s been using Jane Seymour’s advice and the colon cleanser? He’s looks like one happy dude.

    I hate that guy that sells the gazelle workout thing — Tony something or other. He and his ponytail are annoying. I keep hoping that one day his hair will get caught in the whisper quiet gears of his stupid workout machine.

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