You do Fosse, Fosse, Fosse! You do Martha Graham, Martha Graham, Martha Graham! Or Twyla, Twyla, Twyla! Or Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd! Or Madonna, Madonna, Madonna!

Welcome to day 2 of Crissy Wants Week!

Woot! Woot!

We could do this forever because as Mister I am sure will tell you, Crissy is an endless bag of need and want and whine, whine, whine.

And what does Crissy want now?


Because I’m a wonderful dancer but I think my raw talent needs to be honed and disciplined just a little bit.

The neighbor Michele and I just signed the girls up for a tap/jazz dance class and well, I’m feeling a little jealous.

I mean look ad teh widdle shoozies she gets to wear!

I’m totally taking that silly little bow off though. It’s just gratuitous.

And when we brought the girls to be fit for their dancing shoes Crissy got a little nostalgic for the days when she was just a wee little Crissy and spent Saturday mornings in tap and ballet classes.

She just loved her tap shoes and she would flap-tap-tap on the kitchen floor until her mother’s ears bled.

Good times…

And so I tell my friend Lynne that I want to take tap lessons and she tells me tap is gay.

Well, that’s sort of the point. I get to tap my heart out and be Crissy of the Dance AND possibly meet a nice gay. How fun would that be? Tons of fun, Queefs. Tons. But here’s what stuck in my craw. Lynne takes Jazzercize for Jehovah’s sake! I’m talking the kind with Jazz hands and the whole shebang. That’s gayer, I think.

And so it started the following cacophony of eecards.








And then she came out of her office and handed me this:


And now we can’t decide what is gayest. Tap, Jazzercise, having an argument via eecards, or holding a Gay-Off at the library.

You be the judge QUEEFS.

We place it in your capable hands.

Loser must go with the winner to her respective class.

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  1. Jazz is absolutely, 100% gayer. Tap has some old school class to it. People used to do it in zoot suits which are notably UNgay. Jazz? REALLY?! That’s all pas de bourrée and shit. Gimme a break. Tap is edgy…and clicks…and is better just ’cause.

    By the way, I’ve been saying fosse, fosse, fosse all weekend for no particular reason. I think it’s just fits into everything I do. Even if it doesn’t, I make it fit.

    The end.

  2. ha, jazz hands. i love it. have you seen chuck and larry (whatever the name of it is, with adam sandler and kevin james?)- the kid in that takes tap or does some theater stuff and all this dancing and it’s totally hilar.

    enjoy! and capture on video, please.

  3. I don’t think I can make a decision about the gayness of tap or jazz until you two post videos of the gay-off. Although I am very pleased that neither one of you is planning to undertake rhythmic gymnastics. Now that’s gay.

  4. See what the battle is really about is which is gayer;

    jazz hands or that spinning arm thing tap dancers do

    I’m going with jazz hands, because come on they are jazz hands, even I look gay doing them and we all now how much I like the wang…wait, doesn’t that mean I’m gay already? I’m so confused

  5. I love how it’s already determined that both are gay, but only one is gayer than the other. I think if you want to go for the win, whatever it is you do, you need to add spirit fingers (in addition to the jazz hands) in order to win ‘most gay.’

  6. Far be it from me to determine the gayness of anything as I was always the girl who fell in love with the guy who EVERYONE ELSE seemed to know was gay, but Adminderella was always clueless as to their gayness. (Adminderella has since discovered that non-gay men seldom smell of awesome cologne and never have the well manicured fingernails… woe to me that no one clued me in back in high school)

    However, having taken tap, jazz and ballet lessons (all an exercise in HUMILIATION…), I will say that jazz was the least fun & most embarrassing to my “busty before all my classmates” self. (perhaps due to the jazz teacher being extremely SERIOUS about “the dansssss”)

  7. Jazzercise is clearly the gayest. Because ecard fighting is actually the best thing to do with your time (especially now that Chris showed us all how to create our own….)

  8. Ok…first lets deal with the dance issue. Sorry, Lynnie, but I’ve got to concur w/ Crissy on this one…..tap is more refined…..jazz is….well….not so much.

    But with THAT aside, there is WAY more to this post than just dance types…….we have the gay-off at the library and the fight using ecards.

    This is a total toss up. I’d have to say that the e-card fight is the gayest of all….it allows the TRUE catty of a person shine………the head bobbing and finger snapping at the realization that you’ve TOTALLY one-upped the other with a card, really seems very Carson Kressley to me!!

  9. just what the hell is jazz dancing anyway?

    i mean tap, ballet, they have definite techniques and established “moves.”

    jazz is a form of MUSIC, not dance. jazz MUSIC, in and of itself, isn’t gay, but we’re not talking about that… are we?

  10. I have to speak up in defense of Jazzercise. You people are thinking jazz, which it is NOT. It’s mostly hip hop dance-aerobics with a couple random jazz hands thrown in for effect. Tap dancing is clearly gayer in that you have to do all that silly arm waving lest you be compared to Raquel Welch in the “Scarsdale Surprise” episode of Seinfeld.

  11. I thought you do jazz hands while tap dancing and jazz hands where in the tap dancer’s domain. Well, I guess I was wrong and that explains getting jumped while I was tapping and doing jazz hands for coins and baggies of crack on the subway system.

  12. I’m having horror flashbacks from little Katie’s ballet lessons. My mom refused to let me wear black (I know, she’s a nut job), so my leotard was orange and yellow striped and I had nude colored tights and yellow leg warmers. Add in the fact that I was head and shoulders taller than the cute little girls in black leotards and pink tights and I was a disaster waiting to happen.

    I’m going to go back to therapy now. Thanks.

  13. I had to look up jazz hands. I am convinced that jazz hands is (are?) pretty goddamn lame because this picture was the first thing to show up in my google search:

    Jazzercise® is exercise. So that makes it suck. Tap is a form of dance but, like ballet, I’m pretty sure that tap is not so bad unless I try to do it. Me doing tap or Jazzercise® or ballet? Yeah, that would be pretty fucking horrific.

    As I’m sure Chris will agree, having an arguments via someecards is a sublime and beautiful idea.

    So, that leaves holding a Gay-Off at the library. Yeah, that wins hands down. But I want to watch anyway. Will you videotape it?

    You know what else? Keeping the Microsoft Word red and green squiggly lines in your Gay-Off poster is kinda fucked up. Only a poster for a Gay-Off at the library would do that.

  14. Ok. You people are obviously sucking up to your queen. Because of that, I think Crissy needs a video of her tap dancing. I still say Jazzercise rules.

  15. Lynn’s comment has me on her side. Plus my roommate in college took jazzercise and they had to do a performance in the middle of campus to the Thong Song and it was the opposite of gay as in my roommate could always have a side job as a stripper.

  16. Was that a Birdcage reference in the subject line? It was, wasn’t it. YES!

    I learned both tap and jazz for a short amount of time during high school. Jazz is totally lame. (Unless it’s All That Jazz.)

  17. Crissy’s Pimp: exactly, the entire agglomeration is groveling and it’s obnubilating the point I’m trying to make.

  18. Um. I don’t believe in fate or anything, but is it a coincidence that the Scarsdale Surprise episode is on tonight? I think not.

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