Where My Gays At?

Crissy has been thinking again Internettians.

A dangerous pastime, I know.

“What have you been thinking about now, Crissy?”

I’m glad you asked, Internet.

I’ve been thinking that in addition to my House Bitch I’m going to have to have an entourage too.

Now I know that all a you Internets are an entourage of sorts and I love, love, love that, really I do and if I could have sweaty sex with every last one of you I would, but I sort of would like a real entourage too. Like one so big we have to have one of these:

And I think that my entourage should include some flamboyant gay men.

Sort of like this fine fellow:

Can’t you just picture us walking into Whole Foods together?

With Girlfriend sitting in the grocery cart like the Queen of Sheba?

It’s like it was meant to be!

But it isn’t.

Sigh.

In all seriouslyness though, Crissy has always loved the gays and thinks that if Kathy Griffin can have a large gay following then so should she.

And I love Madonna just as much as anyone. I even blew the speakers out in my car listening to Hard Candy.

But here’s the sad truth Internettians.

Crissy doesn’t have any gay friends and it makes her sad because it’s very tragic that someone as fabulous as she is so woefully deprived. She almost had a gay friend. His name was Eric and he loved him some Madonna and even had a license plate that said MDONNA and his most favoritest thing was dressing up like her and his skin was sooooo smooth like a baby’s and Crissy was only 18 at the time and she tried to kiss him because she thought he was straight. Because he asked her out on a date and was acting like a straight guy except for the smooth skin thing and it turned out that Nooooooo. Eric was really as gay as the day was long and it lead to a very awkward moment and we never spoke again.

Crissy should have seen the signs of the gayness (I mean HELLO! How many straight guys do you know like to dress up as Madonna?) but Crissy was a stupid girl and she wishes she could talk to Eric again and say she’s sorry for the awkwardness and couldn’t he just come over and we can listen to Madonna and drink wine and make fun of straight guys together? (Sorry straight guys.  I love you, but you know you’re really sort of dumb sometimes, right?)

But I don’t know what happened to him.

I’ve always wanted to be a fruit fly, a fag hag, a girl who hangs out at gay bars and comes home covered in glitter and singing “It’s raining men.” That’s what I assume goes on in gay bars but I have no idea, really because I live in white bread, heterosexual, Catholic suburbia where their idea of an alternative lifestyle is driving a car instead of an SUV or a fucking mini van and having only one kid instead of 4.  The only gay guys you see around here are the sad and sorry ones who lurk around in the woods at the park.

I’m so over it I could puke.

I needs me some more fabulous and I need it in a hurry because as it turns out the red hair is not quite enough yet.

Crissy likes to go BIG.

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34 comments

  1. I SWEAR…..we were meant to be BFF’s or something. I love gay men too……I dont’ discriminate, I like the lesbians as well……like you I live in white bread America, and people automatically think you are some sort of closet homosexual if you express a desire to MINGLE with those same sex lovers. I don’t WANT TO HAVE SEX with anyone but my husband, but I, too, want a large gay community to be friends with.

    I do have a gay friend, though. I didn’t know he was gay until just a few years ago…and LIKE YOU (see we’re meant to be) it was a high school crush…only mine didn’t dress like Madonna or anything….he just wasn’t as resposnsive to my boobies as I’d have liked him to be.

    My facination with the gay community knows no bounds….and I don’t know how to meet people….gay OR straight……I feel like an over earnest child chasing after people begging them to be my friends, and since I don’t have a finly tuned gaydar, I don’t KNOW who is gay and who is not. And sometimes people are turned off by my PLEADINGS to be buddies. It’s a vicious circle, Crissy…..and here we are…wanting FRIENDS and having nowhere to FIND them……

    p.s I know of a guy around here named Eric…….he used to work in a gift shop and I heard that he was gay (from all the upper crust types that shop in gift shops like that instead of Wal mart for their snacks)…….I think he’s too old for you, but was your Eric blonde and older? Cause maybe I found him!!!!

    p.s.s. Why is it when expressing a desire to meet people I find it necessary to proclaim…too loudly and far too much that I AM NOT GAY—I just like gay people…….it’s one of those things that you are caught….if you protest people wag their fingers like “sureeeeee you aren’t”, but if you just openly discuss the coolness of the gay community, then people wag their fingers ANYWAY….what does white bread, heterosexual fat girls do?

    Deep breath. thanks for letting me blog on your blog!!!

  2. I could have written this post, except I never even dated a straight gay. My town was very blue collar so if any of my peers were gay they kept it well hidden.

    Everything I know about gays I learned from Will & Grace and My Life on the D List. I am so worried that when I finally meet one that I will squeal like a little girl and clap my hands like an idiot.

    You and I should write up a custody agreement for Ben and just ship him back and forth across America.

  3. Shelly- You too? OMG! We really are the same person!

    Essentially- That’s a great idea! But what will I say? “Hi Eric, you’ll probably remember me…I was the girl who scared the shit out of you and the last thing you saw was my lips coming at you and then you ran screaming from the place? Good times…So whatcha been up to?”?

    Rachel M- DO YOU THINK HE’D DO IT????

  4. May I just say that I tried to post a motherfucking comment here two hours ago that was deliciously cheeky and hilarious as well as informative as it included an extensive list of things you should do to attract men of the limp-wristed, hard-stomached variety?

    CAUSE I DID AND IT’S NOT HERE, FUCKDAMNIT.

    Here we go again.

    First, don’t be a faghag. There is no need to attach the ‘hag’ name to your character. Bring the gays to you, making them your fagbangles. MUCH nicer. Also, your image of the gay bar is pretty accurate but with a healthy dose of crackheads and boys who haven’t eaten since 1989. These groups are both quite cranky.

    Now, onto the recommendations. 1) Use mini airplane booze bottles as chum around your driveway. 2) Teach the girlfriend how to say dirty words and recite parts of L’il Kim songs. 3) Make the husband do manly things without a shirt on (gays smell shows of masculinity and toplessness). 4) Make sure the husband has washboard abs or is Alexandre Despatie. 5) Scrap the Hard Candy album and retreat back to Confessions on a Dancefloor. 6)Insist you are related to famous people like Liza. Or one of The Golden girls. 7) Porn. Always. On. TV.

    That’s all for now. Let me know how it goes. I am available but my per diem costs are high if I’m to be the token gay rather than the house bitch. You and Rachel may fight over me as you wish.

    If this comment doesn’t post though, then we’re over.

  5. No, Silly—that’s where you send the 6th grade ME into the shop and I ask him (giggling of course)–“hey, when you were younger did some really cool, funny girl try to come on to you while you were in your Madonna outfit and it scared you ???” When he responds yes, I race from the store, and blog to YOU and say “OMG, Crissy, it’s HIM….WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?”….And you say “OMG, I can’t believe it….what does he LOOK LIKE” and I tell you, and you say ” You HAVE to take a picture”, so I go back into the store, giggling, and say, “Um, hey, Eric? Can I take your picture to show Crissy? I’ll give you one of HER too…she looks fabulous with her red hair”…and you all exchange photos and become best friends all over again.

    Sheesh, how else did you think it would go down?

  6. Ben….you’re GAY? How cool is that? I’ve read your site a couple of times and never picked up on that.

    I’m so out of the LOOP!!

    Crissy–you need to TELL me these things…..coming in late to your blog an all….what ELSE do I not know?

  7. “Sorry Dan, but you aren’t allowed to eat anymore?”

    “WHY????”

    “According to my internet gay you have to have washboard abs to attract real life gays…and well….”

    “So I have to starve so that YOU can have a gay??!!”

    “Yep!”

  8. Ben- Judging by your advice, my husband is the key to all of this and I should keep him around as bait. He’s very slim and muscular and he’s hung like a rhino and he’s always naked and doing manly stuff. He has Confessions on a Dancefloor in his car RIGHT NOW!!! And he loves porn more than he loves anything else in the whole world and…WAIT A SECOND! He’s fucking gay isn’t he? I knew he wasn’t wearing my shorts around the house as “just a joke.”

    Shelly- Woman, I love you. You make me laugh so hard! And yes. Ben is gay. I forgot to tell you.

    Rachel M- That sounds reasonable to me. If he loves you he’ll do it.

  9. There is nothing more attractive to gay men or straight women than a gay-friendly manly man. If they are ripped and hung, ALL THE BETTER. Clearly, the aforementioned demands should be included in wedding vows from here on out to make sure people know what they’re getting into.

    Shelly – Yes. And the newf is a man. Just to be clear. If you love my blog on account of affirmative action and equal rights, I wouldn’t be mad atcha.

  10. Oh Crissy, you poor thing! I’ve got me the gays. I live with them! And I love, love, love them. When I’m sad, Ryan will put on the Copacabana and sing and dance for me. And when I’m really, really sad and crying? He rubs my feet and tells me funny gay stories. (But I’m not supposed to tell anyone about the feet rubbing because he doesn’t want other people to want that. Just me.)

    And the gay bar is SO MUCH FUN! It really is about glitter and raining men.

    And they tell me how to dress and sometimes they even do my hair. And they tell me when I’m too fat to wear my bikini. We have weekly showings before I’m off to the beach.

    Oh, I love me my gay mens. I could share them if you need!

  11. Ben, Well, the last blog of yours I read was about your flushing issues (until today)……I get very animated and upset over affirmative action and equal rights……..and I’m serious, not trying to be flip…..I may not say the right words, or be as fully educated on the topic as I should, but I know in my heart that all people should be treated equally and equitably—–

    My husband has…well…..a surplus of equipment, but his abs are not what they were as a younger man…..(I still think he’s hot, tho)….but my son, on the other hand has super abs……..(can’t attest to his equipment though), so if I have proof of one’s equipment, and a hot son (Crissy can attest), does that make me worthy?

    See, I’m very naive and bacwards on the acceptableness of things to say and how to fit in with the cool kids……..

  12. I’ve had a gay that got away too, and I’m mad at myself for blowing it. In my case, not by trying to kiss him, but by giving him the cold shoulder when I got mad. NOTE: THAT DOES NOT WORK AT ALL ON GAY MEN!!! Save that tip for when you find all your hot new gay friends.

  13. k8—Oh no……you can’t be friends w/ gays if your fat? Oh dear……I may be on the excluded list…….a bikini hasn’t seen this skin since 1984—no joke.

  14. Sign me up as part of your entourage. I’m not gay, but I’d like to be a part of your entourage.

    I have an awesome gay friend. Love him to bits. You need to come on down to DC and I’ll introduce you.

  15. I had great grandioso iders of being the fag hag when I became friends with our neighbors Mike & Dave. Hubby and I even attended their Commitment ceremony and again their Marriage ceremony (when it became legal in California). But alas it was not meant to be as they are a clearly a gay couple but not a flamboyant gay couple that like to shop and braid hair. Nope just two regular dudes that like regular dude stuff. Sigh..

  16. Oh no, you can be fat, but you have to be fashionable. And the rules of fashion say if you’re too fat, you can’t wear a bikini to the beach.

    I lose in the fashion department. They’re always taking me to stores and depositing me in a dressing room and bringing me things to try on. Apparently the clothes I pick are NOT acceptable. I have to say, my wardrobe has improved considerably since I moved in.

  17. I love the gays too, contrary to dumb people on the internet who don’t understand IRONY,but I don’t have any gay friends either.

    Booooo.

    Sometimes, though, they can be exhausting. All of those puns and drama and conspiratorially giggling. It makes me want to take a nap.

  18. Hey look! It’s another gay coming your way! Only this one is sort of an alternative gay, as it were, because while he likes things shiny and fabulous, he does not have a washboard stomach (damn those family genes!) and can’t mirror anyone’s reflection in the sunlight on account of his chest’s smoothness.

    Thanks to a twitter post from Ben, I have come your way to introduce myself. I’m Phil, and I’m a big ol’ gay teddy bear. I guess.

    Ben said everything very well, but let me just add that in addition to porn and topless manly gay-friendly straight men around, do make sure that you watch Project Runway on a regular basis. Because if you do, even more gays will come flocking. Speaking of Project Runway, do you have a TV, and cable? If so, I need to come over immediately because I have neither.

  19. How is this possible?
    I have a milliony gay friends and I am not ONE IOTA as cool as you. You know what it is? They’re probably really jealous of your looks. I mean, every gay man loves a woman who can pull of such raw sexuality and still scare every straight man in the room.

    My theory? Get in with some drag queens. They are THE BEST FRIENDS EVER!

    I’ll send you a few if you want. E-mail me your home addy, and I’ll ship them in little pink boxes.

    <3 M

  20. I was a fag hag once and it was fabulous. They give the best compliments. It was a constant barrage of, “You are so hot. If I was straight I’d want to fuck you all the time. ALL. THE. TIME. By the way I love your shoes.” And we would go to gay bars and this one gay told me that I had such a pretty honest face that I could tell him he was straight and he’d believe me. I didn’t though, Of course!

    So, yeah…I love the gays too.

  21. In college I lived with three gay men. At once. It was heaven, pure heaven. We had nonstop Madonna parties and they ALWAYS cleaned up after said parties. I highly suggest you find one–or three.

    Start off hanging out at the theatre. ALWAYS WORKS.

  22. Leave it to you, Crissy, to make me feel bad about not being gay. I have, however, been to gay bars where I feel bad when gay men do not pay attention to me. Suckage.

    However, a few weeks ago I was at the gym late at night and a gay dude hit on me. Now, that was special because, like many gyms in NYC, the gay talent pool at my gym at night is pretty damn hardcore. So that made me feel pretty damn good.

    Regarding Eric, I think he is the one who fucked up. I mean, so you tried to kiss him, he tells you he is into dudes, and you move on and continue your relationship without the sexual tension. What’s the problem? Sounds like he flaked on you.

    Anyways, gay dudes seem to make good friends for women. There is always sexual tension between me and my Friends With Vaginas. I suspect there always will be, at least until I am so old or fucked up that my dick won’t get hard anymore, but by then I will have developed some horrible fetish that substitutes for actual sex anyway. But with a gay dude, neither side has sexual tension and there is also no sexual competition. Pretty sweet deal. Besides, as Queen Of Fucking Everything, you should have exposure to the diversity of your subjects out there. May I suggest that a trip to your local dance studio might be in order?

  23. Late to the game here but I just have to say, I have a GBF and while I love him dearly, he’s no Jack. He doesn’t do interior decoration, he doesn’t like musicals, he won’t watch chick flicks with me, and I can’t fit into any of his clothes. I think he’s secretly straight but afraid to go back into the closet.

  24. I feel all spoiled now, I have family who are gay, closeted friends who have no idea their gay but they so are! bi-sexual friends who just can’t make up their minds. I even know a fag hag who has a stream of gays day and night.
    You so need a drag show, that’s the best place to meet fun gays. I say you write Kathy Griffin and tell her of this outrage, she’s sure to bring her show there when she hears of it.

  25. I know I’m late to this blog post game, but …

    1) Sweets and I had dinner with our new BFF’s, also known as the baby’s mamas. And one turned to the other and coined us their “token straight friends.” We both melted with delight.

    2) Speaking of the gays and Madonna. I have a big gay bachelorette party planned in early October. New York. Madonna concert. Wanna be my date?

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