I’m feeling a little better but keep all your get well cards and emails coming. I could take a turn for the worse and then you’ll feel like an asshole for not sending anything while I was still alive to read it.
Jesus I fucking hate being sick.
And while I lay dying and in between times when I had to rub one out because of my smutty new book I had some time to think, Internettians.
I have decided that what I really, really need more than anything is a House Bitch.
Only what I need is more like a House Bitch than an intern. I think in the olden days they called them Scullery Maids and they had to do all the stuff nobody else wanted to do like clean the toilets and give the Master a blow job.
But I don’t think I’d require my House Bitch to do things like that.
At least not to start with.
And I don’t think I would make him/her grocery shop or wipe my bottom because I sort of enjoy those things. Particularly the bottom wiping.
(Did I mention all the anal penetration in my smutty book?)
And the grocery store is good too. Because of well, you know, my Vinnie. I caught him calling an old lady “doll” the other day, but I’m going to overlook it. He was just being nice so she wouldn’t tell the manager he sliced her cheese too thin again.
He’s not giving that shit out to all the ladies…
I hope not because “do not flirt with a dude who fucks old chicks” is my motto.
I think I’d have my House Bitch do things that I find unpleasant. Like, load and unload the dishwasher, clean the kitty box, and get the stains out of Mister’s underpants. Not that he has any, mind you, but if he did, that’s what my Bitch would do. But he doesn’t wear underpants so it would probably never come up. Also I think my Bitch would have to do my work job for me too. Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve just sat in the break room looking at People magazine?
The job will of course be clothing optional but only if the person is cute. Applicants must be a hot 19 year old boy over the age of 18 I think because there are sometimes adult language and situations at Crissy’s house… hmmm…what else? There’s no actual pay check, per se, but the glamor and the chance to be near the QOFE is way better than money.
Everyone knows that.
So I’m going to write up the job description and post it on Craigslist because that’s where I’ll get the highest quality applicants, I’m sure, and I’ve already typed up a few interview questions.
- Do you smoke?
- If yes, what do you smoke, how much did you score, and is your supply reliable?
- How do you feel about Moo Shu Tofu? Answer loudly and use hand gestures as my vegan diet has left me too weak to hear.
- How many drinks could Crissy’s Bitch mix if a Crissy’s Bitch could mix drinks?
- Do you carry bar tending equipment on you at all times?
- On mornings I’m too tired to do it myself, would you be willing to work out for me while I eat the pancakes you made for me from scratch and watch you from my couch? I promise to make helpful suggestions such as “lift your leg higher” and “could you move your ass over to the left for me dear, you’re blocking my view of that annoying yet strangely attractive Denise Austin.”
- Are you willing to undergo extensive medical testing for the sole purpose of obtaining pain pills or anti-anxiety medication for Crissy because her cunt doctor doesn’t believe that her menstrual cramps are severe enough to require liquid Percocet?
- How do you feel about spankings?
a. Thank you ma’am, may I have another?
b. Ow! Whatareyoudoing!?!
This is my first time interviewing someone, so could you guys help me think of a few more questions please?
Also you have to go see me at Mom in Real Life’s today.
I’m a hoot!