Now Accepting Applications for House Bitch

I’m ba-ack.

I’m feeling a little better but keep all your get well cards and emails coming. I could take a turn for the worse and then you’ll feel like an asshole for not sending anything while I was still alive to read it.

Jesus I fucking hate being sick.

And while I lay dying and in between times when I had to rub one out because of my smutty new book I had some time to think, Internettians.

I have decided that what I really, really need more than anything is a House Bitch.

Two of my favorite blog friends, Miss Kiala and Miss Melissa, have newly acquired interns and I want one too.

Only what I need is more like a House Bitch than an intern. I think in the olden days they called them Scullery Maids and they had to do all the stuff nobody else wanted to do like clean the toilets and give the Master a blow job.

But I don’t think I’d require my House Bitch to do things like that.

At least not to start with.

And I don’t think I would make him/her grocery shop or wipe my bottom because I sort of enjoy those things. Particularly the bottom wiping.

(Did I mention all the anal penetration in my smutty book?)

And the grocery store is good too. Because of well, you know, my Vinnie. I caught him calling an old lady “doll” the other day, but I’m going to overlook it. He was just being nice so she wouldn’t tell the manager he sliced her cheese too thin again.
Right?
He’s not giving that shit out to all the ladies…
Is he?

I hope not because “do not flirt with a dude who fucks old chicks” is my motto.

I think I’d have my House Bitch do things that I find unpleasant. Like, load and unload the dishwasher, clean the kitty box, and get the stains out of Mister’s underpants. Not that he has any, mind you, but if he did, that’s what my Bitch would do. But he doesn’t wear underpants so it would probably never come up. Also I think my Bitch would have to do my work job for me too. Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve just sat in the break room looking at People magazine?

Fucking ages.

The job will of course be clothing optional but only if the person is cute. Applicants must be a hot 19 year old boy over the age of 18 I think because there are sometimes adult language and situations at Crissy’s house… hmmm…what else? There’s no actual pay check, per se, but the glamor and the chance to be near the QOFE is way better than money.

Everyone knows that.

So I’m going to write up the job description and post it on Craigslist because that’s where I’ll get the highest quality applicants, I’m sure, and I’ve already typed up a few interview questions.

Check it:

  • Do you smoke?
  • If yes, what do you smoke, how much did you score, and is your supply reliable?
  • How do you feel about Moo Shu Tofu? Answer loudly and use hand gestures as my vegan diet has left me too weak to hear.
  • How many drinks could Crissy’s Bitch mix if a Crissy’s Bitch could mix drinks?
  • Do you carry bar tending equipment on you at all times?
  • On mornings I’m too tired to do it myself, would you be willing to work out for me while I eat the pancakes you made for me from scratch and watch you from my couch? I promise to make helpful suggestions such as “lift your leg higher” and “could you move your ass over to the left for me dear, you’re blocking my view of that annoying yet strangely attractive Denise Austin.”
  • Are you willing to undergo extensive medical testing for the sole purpose of obtaining pain pills or anti-anxiety medication for Crissy because her cunt doctor doesn’t believe that her menstrual cramps are severe enough to require liquid Percocet?
  • How do you feel about spankings?
  • a. Thank you ma’am, may I have another?

    b. Ow! Whatareyoudoing!?!

This is my first time interviewing someone, so could you guys help me think of a few more questions please?

Also you have to go see me at Mom in Real Life’s today.

I’m a hoot!

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29 comments

  1. Dear Ms. QOFE,

    With years of experience cooking, cleaning and being adorable while wearing revealing underpants including jock straps, thongs and ‘other’, I am confident I have the skills and lack the morals needed to succeed in the House Bitch position you advertised.

    From taking hoards of shit with a smile through work terms with all levels of government, I am sure that I could retain the will to live despite what tasks you force upon me and what thanks you refuse to send my way.

    At this point in my career, I am looking to build my portfolio as a subservient manslave so payment should not be an issue. As long as I have some alone time – you can watch – with your smutty book, I should be okay.

    I am available at your convenience to discuss my qualifications and measurements further.

    Sincerely,

    Your Bitch.

  2. I think something along the lines of “Are you coordinated enough to feed me grapes WHILE fanning me with palm fronds AND declaring loudly that I am the QOFE?” would be appropriate.

  3. i’d be a horrible house bitch, i just know it. i’m too how you say… SPOILED.

    but can i just come over and play with you and your house bitch once you hire one? k thanks.

  4. I don’t meet the job qualifications. However, I am a ton of fun to hang out with, and I do have those two teenage sons that I could bring along.

    I’m a little squeamish about some of your more……delicate….needs and my sons being the house bitch, but maybe the grape feeding, palm frond fanning and exclamation of you being the QOFE would be ok…….you could watch them perform manual labor too and that would be ok……if it’s from afar….and you’d have to figure out a WAY to get them to DO said manual labor….they seem to be allergic at home……..but since you ARE the QOFE, maybe they’ll perform beautifully…..

  5. Not sure if I can compete with Ben, but where do I apply? I make killer lemon riccotta pancakes (with optional blueberries) and would be more than willing to aid with the (optional) duties as well.

  6. Neth- You have NEVER worked out for me. NEVER!

    Ben- Impressive! I’ll get back to you in a couple of days!

    Stealthnerd- Substitute grapes for chocolate and we’ve got the perfect House Bitch.

    Alexa- ABSOLUTELY!

    Shelly- Send them over. Right now. Especially that older one. Me-yow.

    Rachel M.- OMG! Thank you! The formatting got a little messed up around two of the pictures though…

    Morgy- Kushiel’s Dart by Jacqueline Carey. It’s long but there’s sex on like every other page. It’s awesome.

    JoeInVegas- I don’t know about that…those pancakes sound awfully good. It might give you an edge.

    K8-See above comment to Morgy.

  7. I’d be your house bitch except for the cleaning toilets, working out, cooking pancakes from scratch and the underpants stuff. That leaves just the blowjobs and lounging in bed with you, right?

  8. Well…I do all those things anyway over here at Chez Hesselbee so I don’t see why I couldn’t do them in New England.

    Except I’m not a 19 year old boy.

    I’ll keep brainstorming.

  9. Good to see that you are not dead and seem to be recovering from the SARS/Plague/Monkey Flu.

    While I do have the “bitch” part down pat, I believe “house bitch” is not my area of expertise as cleaning toilets is not something I ever want on my resume (it’s bad enough that collecting urine for drug testing is on there…)

    I do make some wicked good vegan chocolate cupcakes with vegan buttercream frosting, though!

  10. melissa and kiala,

    i wholeheartedly endorse either one of you for the position over some 19 year old pimple-faced adolescent dork.

    in fact if it’s the both of you i’ll throw in a little extra… how about some sexy pics of you so you can send them home to your respective husbands? i promise i won’t post them on the internets.

    crissy: i think you should start writing your masterpiece… “the story of C”

  11. Dear Ms. QOFE,

    You do not need to advertise on Craigslist. I am ready and willing to be your “intern”. Below are my answers:
    * Do you smoke? Socially
    * If yes, what do you smoke, how much did you score, and is your supply reliable? Everything but crack.
    * How do you feel about Moo Shu Tofu? Answer loudly and use hand gestures as my vegan diet has left me too weak to hear. Love me some tofu. I can also make very good hummus if that matters.
    * How many drinks could Crissy’s Bitch mix if a Crissy’s Bitch could mix drinks? at least 25
    * Do you carry bar tending equipment on you at all times? Always carry: corkscrew, shot glass, beer opener thing
    * On mornings I’m too tired to do it myself, would you be willing to work out for me while I eat the pancakes you made for me from scratch and watch you from my couch? I promise to make helpful suggestions such as “lift your leg higher” and “could you move your ass over to the left for me dear, you’re blocking my view of that annoying yet strangely attractive Denise Austin.” Yes as long as no type of yoga is involved. I prefer pilates.
    * Are you willing to undergo extensive medical testing for the sole purpose of obtaining pain pills or anti-anxiety medication for Crissy because her cunt doctor doesn’t believe that her menstrual cramps are severe enough to require liquid Percocet? Yes as long as it’s not morphine because that makes me itch (i learned that from that pink song)
    * How do you feel about spankings? somewhere in between a and b

    I hope you’ll take my answers under advisement and get back to me.

  12. I hope to give Ben a run for his money, because I make killer cosmopolitans. That’s right. And when I say I make mad cosmos, I mean I even make a perfect twisty little lime garnish by hand before squeezing the lime juice into the drinks. And I do it with style.

    I can provide references.

    Also, I have about half a pound of Hawaiian and my Oscar-worthy “migraines” have resulted in a massive store of Oxycontin (which, by the way, kicks liquid Percocet’s ass).

    Spankings: awesome!

    Moo Shu Tofu: that’s some nasty-assed shit.

    I will even overlook your derogatory reference to grannyfucking for this opportunity.

    When can I start?

  13. Glad to hear you are feeling better Ms. Crissy! I’m actually not feeling too hot myself. Did you pass on the bug through your blog? If so, you have to tell me how you did that.

    When you do finally get a House Bitch, you need to take pictures and show us.

  14. Dearest Chrissy,

    As Kiala’s loverly intern/bitch/bff, I thought I’d give you some tips on what to do to make your bitch feel appriceated even when you’re paying nothing.

    1. ALWAYS yell their name in bed. IF you yell your own the first few times, that’s understandable – but after that throwing a “Oh Bitch Boy” or whatever would be nice.
    2. When you spank, throw on a silky glove, or cover your hand in lotion.
    3. Let them have the scraps of said pancake
    4. Let them make their own mistakes: if they get yelled at by Mister and cry, let them know that it’s not their fault – they’re just inferior. That is THE most important lession an intern/bitch has to learn.

    Love,
    Meagan

  15. A house bitch, huh? I’m thinking you may be on to something. Although if Ken doesn’t want to be out of a job, he may want to start doing some of your yoga tapes. I recommend the forward bends, Ken.

  16. * Do you smoke? Yes

    * If yes, what do you smoke, how much did you score, and is your supply reliable? Only the best and yes.

    * How do you feel about Moo Shu Tofu? Answer loudly and use hand gestures as my vegan diet has left me too weak to hear. Fuck Tofu I only cook real food.

    * How many drinks could Crissy’s Bitch mix if a Crissy’s Bitch could mix drinks? As many drinks as Crissy’s bitch can mix since Crissy’s bitch can mix drinks

    * Do you carry bar tending equipment on you at all times? Have been known to.
    * On mornings I’m too tired to do it myself, would you be willing to work out for me while I eat the pancakes you made for me from scratch and watch you from my couch? I promise to make helpful suggestions such as “lift your leg higher” and “could you move your ass over to the left for me dear, you’re blocking my view of that annoying yet strangely attractive Denise Austin.” Sure why not.

    * Are you willing to undergo extensive medical testing for the sole purpose of obtaining pain pills or anti-anxiety medication for Crissy because her cunt doctor doesn’t believe that her menstrual cramps are severe enough to require liquid Percocet? Maybe

    * How do you feel about spankings?

    a. Thank you ma’am, may I have another?

    I ain’t cheap but I can be had.

  17. I love stoogpie more everyday–if he doesn’t pass your muster, he can work for me anyday!

    Love. Him.

    And I am glad you’re back…even if you’re in bed by 8:57.

  18. um, what’s the smutty novel you’re reading? just curious. research purposes and all.

    i probably couldnt be your house bitch because like alexa, im kind of spoiled myself. but, i wouldnt mind coming over to play with you and your little princess and hangout all day while watching the house bitch do the chores, work out for us, and make us yummy bevvies. if you are looking to fill THAT role, just let me know.

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