Joseph & The Tainted Tootsie

*Names have been changed to protect both guilty and innocent alike.

Joseph couldn’t understand how after what seemed like an eternity spent in a tiny cubicle that he shared with his “team member” Enid, that it was only 2:00pm and he had another three hours to go before being liberated from hell.

It felt like he had been there since last Tuesday around 9-ish.

Enid, you see, is a very dull woman who spends her days telling Joseph all about the lifestyles of her two cats: Mr. Fancypants and Mrs. Smooshyface. When it’s not the cats, it’s the dreadfully mundane details of her daughter Johanna’s homework assignments, science fair projects, and teenage drama from the hallowed halls of St. Cecilla’s School for Boring People’s Children.

Poor Joseph tried to be polite to Enid, he really did, but his patience was wearing quite thin. In hopes that Enid would eventually run out of stories to tell if he just toughed it out, he became absolutely brilliant at inserting thoughtful comments like “oh really?” and “awww, that’s so cute” into the conversation where he felt they might be appropriate. He wasn’t listening to Enid of course, but he felt he should at least pretend. Sadly for poor Joseph, it only encouraged her.

“This is intolerable!” he thought as he looked around his desk for a means of either suicide or homicide and it didn’t matter which because, as Joseph saw it, one of them would live and one of them would die and then there would be quiet. At last. A shiv made of paper clips and scotch tape perhaps? Maybe not. He doesn’t want to fasten her to death. A rubber band noose? No. Too bouncy. Push her chair through the window? Nope. They’re on the first floor.

And then it came to him in A Flash of Brilliance!

Joseph is a gentle man, really, and he did not want to hurt Enid. Much. He just wanted her to go away and so he had a plan to do just that. He knew Enid loved sweets and he began searching his desk for anything resembling candy and he also needed some Medicine for Irregularity to add to the candy because he thought that the ladies room would be a more appropriate place for Enid because all that ever came out of her was pure shit anyway.

It must have been Joseph’s lucky day because he found two tootsie rolls and one Super Strength Colon Release tablet that had been left over from the cookies he baked for the office April Fool’s Day party. He jammed the tablet into one of the candies and offered one to Enid, which she gladly accepted of course due to her weakness for chocolate and small poo shaped objects, and then he popped the other one into his mouth and heard a “crunch.”

Joseph had inadvertently eaten the Tainted Tootsie.

“SHIT!” Joseph thought to himself but was quick to realize that while it was not exactly what he had planned, his mistake would still afford him an opportunity for silence. It would just be in the men’s room instead. And just as Joseph had hoped, a short while later, he felt the unmistakable rumblings of nature calling which sent him running to the loo with Enid shouting “don’t worry Joseph! When you come back I’ll finish my story about how Mr. Fancypants loves to eat tuna fish on my pillow!” behind him.

He barely made it into the stall but luckily he dropped his trousers in just enough time and only got a little on the tail of his white dress shirt before he nailed the landing and achieved a good seal seconds shy of Armageddon. “I’ll give that landing a 6.5” he thought to himself and then sat patiently, sitting in the aroma of peace and solitude.

I will never, ever, reveal to the Internettians who Joseph and Enid are.

And it was NOT. Crissy.

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  1. Ken…..???? No……let’s see…..CHRIS? Hmmmmm…..oh, I knowwwwwwwwww……..STOOGIE!!!!! I bet we see a comic strip about this……..

    but who is Enid? I bet it IS you, and you just don’t want to say it. Alice is really Ms. Smooshyface, right?

  2. I second Shelly. It’s no wonder you fell in love with a guy like that and have lasted this long with him. Because all that time he spends in the shitter, it gives you your freedom. You know. To drink wine. And pole dance.

  3. Shelly- That is totally something Stoogie would do isn’t it?

    Nilsa- You keep that piece of info in your back pocket for after you’re married.

    Rachel M.- I am a woman of many, many secrets. I have a dark and twisted past…as you may have guessed.

    Dingo- I’m sure if you call Enid, she’d love to tell you the story!

  4. I’m going to have to agree with Shelly and Nilsa on this. It’s Ken, isn’t it? Why men want us to stop from continuously talking is beyond me.

  5. I see you changed the names. But seriously, I don’t remember if I ever finished telling you about how my cat, Studly McCatly, loves to eat tuna fish on my pillow.

    It sounds like Joseph might have self-esteem issues. That landing sounded like it should at least have been an 8.

    This really would have made a perfect comic.

  6. Mr. Fancypants and Mrs. Smooshyface? That’s it, either my first pet or my first kid, I’m using those names. I’m actually hoping the kid comes first. A first grader trying to learn to spell that? Priceless.

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