As Exciting as Watching a Giraffe Take a Shadoobie – OR- My Video is Fucked So Now You’ll Read This Crap and Love It.

I had something all ready for you for today.

It was a video.

I made it last night and worked really hard but then Mister edited out anything that was funny and made the most boringest video ever! And so this morning I watch the video and I’m all “WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? Where’s all the funny I put in there, yo?”

And I want to kill him.  But I won’t because he did do a nice job on the header.  He worked really hard on it actually…but that’s no excuse!

But don’t. worry. Internettians. Crissy knows how to handle these situations. He’s been spanked very, very, soundly (No, there’s no video of it. Pigs.) and sent right back to the editing room. He will not be allowed food nor drink nor play through until he produces a video befitting The Queen of Fucking Everything.

It’s so hard to find good slaveish magiciany husbands help these days!

And so instead of a magnificent video, I bring you the following filler list of children’s book titles that make you go hmmmmm…and then start looking through your porn collection.

Shut up. I know you have one. You don’t have to pretend with Crissy.

Upchuck and the Rotten Willie
Frances Gets Slimed
Freak the Mighty
Tom’s Midnight Garden
Knocked Out by my Nunga Nungas
Harry the Dirty Dog
Little Miss Naughty
The Hardy Boys: Footprints Under the Window
Then He Ate My Boy Entrancers
The Magic Finger
Love is a Many Trousered Thing
What Jamie Saw
The Giver
Harold and the Purple Crayon
Freaky Friday
Not a Box
Wait Till Helen Comes
Tuck Everlasting
Among the Farmyard People
The Dutch Twins

Feel free to add to the list using the space provided below.

Crissy likes collaborative projects.

Just don’t fuck it up.

I’m in no mood…

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19 comments

  1. He really did rock out on your header. He is forgiven. Just this once. My teacher man has a kiddie book called, What Mommy Doesn’t Tell Me, and it literally has things like:

    Why does Daddy work and Mommy doesn’t?
    Illustration: A smoking, pregnant girl being tossed out of school by a hoard of angry nuns.

    What do Mommy and Daddy do when I stay and Grandma’s?
    Illustration: Naked cartoon parents jumping on a bed together.

    I KID YOU NOT.

  2. Maxie- No. That works! I’m bummed I didn’t think of it.

    Ben- Go see Stoogepie’s children’s book. You’ll die–in a good way.

    Nilsa- Oooooo good one! I can’t believe I forgot about that one! Duh! is right.

    Dingo- Oh hells yeah! Pierre the Zombie is one of Girlfriend’s favorites.

    Shelly- Yes. I am naughty. It’s true.

  3. The header looks awesome!

    As a librarian, you really are at an advantage here. When I first read this post, I thought I would have to make up some titles, like “Horton Hears a Ho!”

    But then I looked over my voluminous children’s book collection — which I keep next to my jar of candy and the keys to my panel van — and there are plenty to choose from.

    My Two Personal Favorites:
    Too Big for Diapers
    What Do You Do with a Tail Like This?

    Honorable Mention:
    The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants
    A Couple of Boys Have the Best Week Ever
    Cowgirl Kate and Cocoa
    Chicka Chicka Boom Boom
    Dirty Dog Boogie
    Fancy Nancy and the Boy from Paris
    Pinkalicious
    My Big Boy Potty
    Sign of the Beaver
    Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

    That’s all I have.

  4. I’ve read The Giver and will use it with my Grade 8’s next year. They use the term “stirrings” for when people get the feelings down there.

    This isn’t a children’s novel but rather a spiritual book for adults called “Come Thirsty.”

  5. Stoogepie- Fancy Nancy and the boy from Paris! Ha, ha, ha!! Pinkalicious is really good too. There’s also Purplicious by the same author. And don’t forget Fancy Nancy Loves! Loves! Loves!

    Marie- Ha, ha, ha! Yes it does.

    Essentially- Oh yes! The stirrings! I actually really liked that book.

  6. Any book by mercer meyer and those little golpher things are my favorite.

    and terrible horrible no good very bad day.

    and if you give a mouse a cookie…

    ok thats all I know.

  7. sure.

    throw me under the bus.

    that’s ok, i can take it.

    here’s a couple of actual titles that sound funny:

    • Thomas and the Naughty Diesel
    • Goin’ Someplace Special

    the following titles don’t actually exist:

    1. 101 thing to do with your urine
    2. A Pictorial History of Circus Geek Suicides
    3. All Cats Go to Hell
    4. ALL GUNS MUST BE FIRED
    5. Ask Daddy Why the Computer Mouse is Sticky
    6. Babar Becomes a Piano
    7. Babar Meets the Taxidermist
    8. Barney the Purple Trouser Lizard
    9. Bi-Curious George
    10. Charles Manson Bedtime Stories
    11. Charlotte & The Web Stalker
    12. Children’s Drinking Games
    13. Cigarette Burn or Birth Mark?
    14. Clifford the Big Red Dog is Put to Sleep
    15. Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear
    16. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
    17. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
    18. Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle
    19. Daddy Swaps Mommies With the Man Next Door
    20. Dad’s New Wife Timothy
    21. David Duke’s World of Imagination
    22. Donald Duck’s Favorite Angry Exclamations
    23. Ed Beckley’s Start a Real-Estate Empire with the Change From Your Mom’s Purse
    24. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
    25. Everything Fits in Your Mouth
    26. Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share
    27. FUN IN THE MEDICINE CABINET
    28. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
    29. Getting More Chocolate on Your Face
    30. God Hates You
    31. GRANDMA NEEDS A FACE PILLOW
    32. Grandpa Gets a Casket
    33. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
    34. How the Grinch Stole My Cherry . . . by Cindi Lou Who
    35. How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School
    36. How To Hide Grandpa’s Pills
    37. How to Take a Beating
    38. I put starch on mommies clothes before a big meeting
    39. IT’S FUN TO BE TOUCHED
    40. It’s Not Stealing Unless You’re Caught
    41. Jackass & Jill
    42. Joe Garagiola Retells Favorite Fairy Tales But Can’t Remember the Endings to All of them
    43. Junior Explorer: Searching for Grafenburg’s Spot
    44. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
    45. Legends of Scab Football
    46. Let’s Draw Betty and Veronica Without Clothes
    47. Little Pink Panty Hood
    48. Little Timmy Disappears Forever
    49. Long School Day = LSD!
    50. Make Time to Masturbate
    51. Making Fun of ‘Tards
    52. Mermaids Are Girls Who Pushed Too Hard (And Other Stories)
    53. Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver
    54. Mommy and Daddy Fight Because of You
    55. Mommy Made Money Making Me
    56. Mommy Sent a Strange Man to Pick You Up from School
    57. Mommy’s Lady Friend–A Picture Book
    58. Neighbors Are Meant to be Spied On
    59. No Longer Mama’s Baby
    60. Nutritional Benefits of Things from your Nose
    61. Oh, the Places You’ll Scratch and Sniff
    62. Old Refrigerator = New Secret Hideout!
    63. Only Girls Wipe
    64. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
    65. Places You Can Send Nude Polaroids Of Yourself For Money
    66. Playing in the Street: It Ain’t So Bad!
    67. Pooh Bear’s Stuck in Rabbit’s Hole Again!
    68. Pop! Goes The Hamster….And Other Great Microwave Games
    69. Racial Slurs For Fun & Profit
    70. Red Riding and Her Boys in da Hood
    71. Run in Front of the School Bus!
    72. Secret Toyland in the Church Rectory Basement
    73. Sell a Dime Bag, Get a Cookie!
    74. Shortcuts Using Local High Traffic Railroad Tracks
    75. Snow White and the Seven Height-Challenged Little Minors!
    76. So You Were an Accident
    77. Some Kittens Can Fly!
    78. Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom’s Purse
    79. Sticks and Stones Will Break Your Bones If You Tell Where Daddy Touched You
    80. Strangers Have the Best Candy
    81. Teacher Wants to Eat Your Soul
    82. Teddy: the Elf with the Detached Retina
    83. Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets
    84. That’s it, I’m Putting You Up for Adoption
    85. The Amazing Technicolor World of Huffing
    86. The Attention Deficit Disorder Association’s Book of Wild Animals of North Amer – Hey! Let’s Go Ride Our Bikes!
    87. The Berenstain Bears Shit In The Woods
    88. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
    89. The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead
    90. The Catbox is a Sandbox!
    91. The Catholic Schoolgirl’s Guide to Putting Out
    92. The Devil Clown Under Your Bed
    93. The Domineering Mother And Her Obsessively Neat Son
    94. The Hardy Boys, the Bobsey Twins, and the Vice Squad
    95. The Junior Klansman
    96. The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking
    97. The Liqour Cabinet: Liquid Candy!
    98. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
    99. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
    100. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
    101. The Runaway’s Guide to Skid Row
    102. The Silly Condom Book
    103. The Tickling Babysitter
    104. The Velveteen Playboy Bunny
    105. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
    106. TOADS ARE FULL OF VITAMINS
    107. Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer
    108. What Can You Fit in Your Butthole?
    109. What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
    110. When Mommy and Daddy Don’t Know the Answer, They Say ‘God Did It’
    111. Where the Gerbils Go
    112. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
    113. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
    114. Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
    115. Why Your Moms “Flashlight” Vibrates
    116. You Are Different and That’s Bad
    117. YOU CAN’T GET PREGNANT IF YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES
    118. You Were an Accident
    119. Your Grandpa Fucks Your Grandma
    120. Your Nightmares Are Real
    121. YOU’VE GOT EXTRA FINGERS

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