Storyland: Not For Pussies

Storyland was a blast y’all!

Look how excited we were to be there after driving for eleventy hundred thousand million hours!


And the kids were happy too!

It was a very nice time, really and we were all very, very glad we went. But your Crissy has a little secret to tell you Internettians:

I do not do roller coaster or any other amusement type rides where I’m might shit myself and die.

I am not a trooper.

Take the Turtle ride for example. It’s like one of those teacup rides that spin out of control whilst traveling at breakneck speed in a rotating wave-like motion?



Against my better judgment, I figured what the hell? After all, these things are meant for Preschoolers!

But not. for. Crissy.


Here are the neighbors enjoying themselves and being like all normal people on an amusement park ride:


Awww…so normal…

Here’s me having a pre-turtle anxiety attack:


And here’s me screaming my fucking head off:


And here is my preschooler:


Enjoying it!

Lucky for me, someone else made them stop the ride. Either that or they heard Crissy screaming and stopped it for fear someone had become entangled and was having their face ripped off in the machine. Whatever, but I took that as my queue to get the fuck off the spinning turtle of death and stand on the sidelines doing this instead:


It was good and only made me a little dizzy instead of a lot dizzy. Plus I was able to get video of my family and our friends not screaming.

And I did not shit myself, throw up, or die.


And for the remainder of our two day trip I stuck to rides I knew I could handle.

Like this:


And this:


And we saw Cinderella’s castle, aka Mine:


Where I finally caught her sitting in my chair and I just rolled up and whacked her upside her head and said “get out of my chair!” And Cinderella was all “roger that” and so she gathered up her skirts and moved and I didn’t have to shank the bitch.


And the peoples at Storyland said “All Hail! The Queen of Fucking Everything!” and they were very sweet to me.


And the children practically took care of each other the whole time so it was very relaxing.



We only had to lock them in the pumpkin thing for like a couple of hours and that was it.


They loved it!

So yeah. That was my “vacation.”

PS: I want to send a shout out to stoogepie and Mom in Real Life for their fantastic guest posts! Thank you guys!

PSS: If you want to see more fascinating pictures go to my stupid husband’s photo blog.

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  1. The picture of girlfriend on the turtle ride is the cutest!

    Now, it is a little upsetting that she’s smiling that much despite her mother wailing as if being torn limb from limb, but hey, we all need to have a bit of a dark side, no?

  2. I want a throne like that for my classroom. I want to train–I mean teach, all my little minions–I mean students, to bow in front of me–I mean learn their manners.

    I tried to be Queen of Everything, but everyone just laughed at me. I think I’ll try my hand as Maleficent today…then they’ll learn!

    Glad that you had a great va-cay! I’m off to have a meeting with Afflack (I think the duck is really coming!) today…

  3. I don’t do the roller coasters either. First time (and last) I ever went on an upside down roller coaster was in Vegas at New York New York. For a friend who was leaving a project we were working on. Only she had to stay late and work. So, another co-worker and I went without her. I screamed my head off. And that was before the cars started moving. Yeah, I’m cool like that.

  4. OMG I freak out on those crazy roller coaster rides! I throw up, shit myself and then just want to die.

    Awesome pics!!! Queen of fucking everything got her throne back!

  5. If I ever have kids, I’m going to buy one of those pumpkin things and put them in there when they’re bad. Or maybe just when they’re awake.

    Thanks for the tip!

  6. The QOFE deserves a level throne and that pumpkin should be totally pimped. Dropped low with spinners, some neon and a wet bar & hot tub would make it a royal ride fit for a Queen.

  7. I’m confused! Why are you wearing two different (albeit very cute) outfits??

    Were you there for more than one day? Is that it?

    It’s morning. I’m still on my first cup of tea.

  8. This post brought back flashbacks of my many, many days spent in a pumpkin when I was a child. Good times.

    What was Cinderella doing in your throne, because it has an awful lot of wear-and-tear around the seat area? Still, you look fabulous in it.

  9. I’m glad that you didn’t die/shit yourself/throw up. That is awesome. I would have sat out the roller coasters with you. I do not do death rides.

    Also, GF is totes adorable–I’m a little jealous of her still-manageable curls.

  10. Teacups/Turtle Ride, my ass. It should be called the “Whip you into anyone else in the seat and then snap your neck until you throw up” ride. Glad you survived.

  11. I think we should take up a collection to send Crissy on a trip on a roller coaster while her husband films it.

    Right now I am thanking God that Crissy does not know where my house is.

  12. I would totally wear a princess dress there and pretend to be working. Maybe I could pass for Cinderella? That way I get to sit in a royal chair eating bonbons…

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