Water Wizz! What?

So we’re going on a little mini vaycay tomorrow.

We’re going here with Girlfriend and the neighbors.

I haven’t been since I was a wee little Crissy so it should be really fun.

My parents always took us to places like that all summer long because my dad was a teacher, and we didn’t have a lot of money so we did mostly New Englandy educational day trips to like Plimoth Plantation where I decided that when I grew up I wanted to be a Pilgrim. Real. Bad. I still sort of do. Except they smell.

One place we never went was here:

No. You don’t need glasses.

That’s Water Wizz.

As in Water Park O’ Piss.

And the theme song:

Come on in-to Wa-ter Wizz.
Wet and Wild, Wa-ter Wizz.
This is where the par-ty is!

It just sounds like a place where you can get a darn fine golden shower.

Either the park owners have a sense of humor and irony or they’re totally fucking stupid. Even their mascot looks like he’s about to splash into a pool of urine. He also looks like he’s on the junk.

And my parents, thank sweet baby jeebus, could not bear the thought of bringing their youngins to play around in urine.

Look! This kid is grossed. out. “It burns! Mom! Something is burning my ass!”


This is fun as long as you don’t let any body parts touch the “water.”

“Ahhhhh….I just made a big, big pee-pee!”

“Mommy? Is it safe to come out yet? Is the pee-pee gone?”

“EW! EW! EW! EW! EW!”

So we won’t be stopping there on the way home. Not even to pee.

Anybum, I’ve got some friends lined up for you for the next two days so behave yourselves and be polite.

Actually, that won’t be necessary. They’re two of my least well behaved bloggy buddies. That’s why I chose them. It’s summertime and the livin’s easy.

Tomorrow you’ll hear from the brilliant, the amazing, the hot and sexy stoogepie!

On Friday there’s the beauteous, the hilarious, the large breasted and hopefully knocked up Mom in Real LIfe!

Bye Internets!

I’ll miss you!

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  1. speaking of funny names, i have to mention that crissy laughs every time we pass an ice cream place called “lickety splits.”

    she thinks it sounds dirty. i agree, but i don’t laugh at the name–i laugh at her laughing, which never fails.

    we’ve also shared a few jokes about any place that promotes their “friendly staff.” i’ve got one of those, too.

  2. Oh damn, I’m up so early, I thought for sure I’d be first. Damn you KEN! And Ken, here in Portland we have coffee shops where the barristas wear bikinis. No kidding.

    Pee in the pool = evil. Why don’t they use that thing that turns the water blue when you pee in it. Steve told me recently that wasn’t a real thing, but rather something your mother told you and I totally believed it until I was 32 and ten months old. The world is a cruel place.

  3. Neth- Lickety splits…ha, ha, ha, ha…

    Melissa- I still sort of believe in that stuff. My grandmother said it was called “water wet” and if you pee the water around you turns purple and everyone will know it was you. I’m still paranoid about that. I will never, ever, pee in a pool.

    Alexa- Oh! Ew! That’s pretty funny…

  4. I was trying to think of a benefit of having urine on your skin, but I coudlnt think of any. Unless you guys have any jellyfish stings… yep, that’s all i got.

  5. Have fun NOT playing in giant pools of bodily fluid this weekend. Also…your captions cracked me up. As did the fact that you laugh at lickety splits…cuz lets face it, I laughed at that too.

  6. Okay seriously this post made me laugh out loud then I read Alexa’s comment and just about died.

    I needed a laugh after my crappy day yesterday!

  7. I went to a girlfriend’s house last Sunday to sit in her kiddie pool because it was beyond belief way to hot to even breathe and I hopped right in and immediately hopped right out, screaming for the shower and the bleach. Pee! Total pee smell! Her girls don’t pee in the pool because they think it’s gross, but the cousins from the day before? Dirty, dirty boys. Peed. In. The. Pool. I showered, we emptied and bleached the shit out of it and then refilled it with clean, no pee cool water. Even now I get grossed out thinking about being covered in pee water. I might have to take another shower.

  8. I’m glad to know that I’m not the only one that wanted to be a Pilgrim when I grew up.

    Maybe we can start our own plantation together~

  9. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to look at water parks the same way again because, let’s face it, even if they’re not named “Water Wizz” there’s still urine everywhere.

  10. Water Jizz sounds like my kind of park! But then, Water Wizz sounds pretty goddamn awesome, too.

    I don’t know how this whole guest blogging thing is going to work out for me. We know from the whole redesign debacle that your readers don’t like to look at your boobs and, based upon today’s comments, they also don’t like to splash around in piss. In short, we have nothing in common. WTF is left for me to write about?!?

  11. Last time I was at a water park, I caught a kid deucing in the pool. Then he looked at me like he was going to cut me ear to ear if I said anything.
    I haven’t been able to go back to Wild Waves since. Which is depressing since I love the smell of chlorine and children’s B.O. mixed with popcorn.

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