Run, Crissy! RUN!!!!

Oy.

I think I’m gaining weight because I’ve plateaued with my yoga. Even though I work out plenty, it’s not really doing any good anymore and I am not yet ready to face the truth about the correlation between my boozing and the increasing size of my ass.

So on Sunday, out of desperation, I did this tape:

Remember this bad boy?

Back in the 80’s it was like totally radical!

It’s the only one of my old tapes that I kept because it’s just too awesome to throw away. My mom and I worshiped at the altar of big hair and shiny leotards every morning.

But to be honest with you Internet, the tape just didn’t do it for me because

#1 It’s really fucking stupid
#2 I can’t understand why Jane’s hair doesn’t move even as she’s grapevineing and chicken turning like a motherfucker. I find it distracting.
#3 I think this would be more challenging:

After I finished the tape I felt really blue balled and so I did the yoga. That makes 100 minutes spent working out.

Woot! Woot!

See my halo?

So I typed my exercise total for the day into Weight Watchers and it was only worth a measly 3 points. THAT’S IT! If you don’t do weight watchers you don’t know this but 3 points ain’t shit.

And then yesterday I decided I would become A Person Who Runs. I would like to tell you that your Crissy ran like the wind! But if I did it would be a mistruth and “lie just a little bit, but not too much” is my motto.

I ran for 10 minutes because you have to start somewhere and it was only like a mile and change because I thought I might throw up and die. I set small goals for myself along the way like “don’t collapse before you reach the stop sign up ahead” or “wait till you get to that BMW and you can throw up in the window” or “catch up to the teenage girl doing the walk of shame home in some dude’s boxer shorts and gasp tramp! at her as you run by.”

The goal setting was a complete success as it got me home without quitting like a big pussy. But you know something Internet? Running sucked.

I am Not A Person Who Runs.

So I ordered some videos from the library and they haven’t come in yet, but I think what we’re going to do is I’m going to show you how I’m doing and you are going to tell me if you think it’s working for me or not.

This is the first workout I think I’ll try:

That’s right Internet. It’s sexy time.

Wait for it…

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31 comments

  1. I was once One Who TurboJammed.

    ONCE.

    And never again. I punched and kicked and twisted and kicked and punched and fell down and cried and got drunk and ate pizza.

  2. I think to be able to even workout using the Jane Fonda video you would need to drink while exercising. Otherwise you have a better chance stripping your way with Carmen.

  3. Okay, so (A) you ran farther in 10 minutes than I could probably do in 20. I was the perpetually the kid with doctor’s notes to get out of the running unit in gym. Bad knees and all. And (B) watch out for Carmen. I may have thrown my back out doing that tape once.

    I just painted a picture of myself as grotesquely out of shape, didn’t I?

  4. Ugh, I hate running. I do the “make it to the stop sign and you can turn around and go home” chant. I also use the “it’s raining, I don’t have to go running,” the “it’s too bright, i don’t have to go,” and the “Sleep is more important” excuses. Running is not fun.

  5. I came to the realization a while ago that running is dumb. First of all, why would I run when I have a car? Secondly, I cannot run, too many things jiggle – if anyone chases me, I’m doomed.

  6. When I joined Lady Wellness, the first “specialty” class I took was Strippercize. I couldn’t stop giggling long enough to learn the routine, and the instructor kept yelling out, “Channel your inner ho!” And I’m thinking, my INNER ho? What about my outward ho? And then I quit the class and started yoga, which is much, much more my speed.

  7. i love me some billy blanks he is the only video i will do.

    but stripping…. that is an interesting idea.

    i heard the ballet bar is a sweet workout video too.

  8. I’ve done the Carmen….I felt like an ass.

    “Reach for your toes. Then pop your back/butt when you come back up.”

    “Huh? DIANA DON’T DO THAT!”

    “Now crawl towards the TV, all sexy like.”

    “Sorry lady, but I’m not crawling over legos/books/elmos just to ‘look’ sexy. Where’s my wine….”

  9. Rosie looks so sweet, like she wants to be picked up and carried around. I would do it, but old people smell. Especially sweaty old people who’ve just completed an upbeat movement & chair-based exercise routine.

  10. I like the videos from the Biggest Loser trainers. Plus they have the contestants from the show on it instead of fake aerobicize people so you can see them sweating and having a hard time with the routine- just like you!

  11. If Platinum Rosie put some wheels on that chair, she might go a bit further. You might want to think about that. Get Ken to put some wheels on your barcolounger and you are good to go!

  12. I find that it’s impossible to run outside without some sort of destination in mind, say, the liquor store or an ice cream shop. Otherwise, I wind up back in front of my building after ten minutes, tops.

  13. Yoga makes me fat too. I swear it. Running doesn’t make me lose weight. I’m down to a size six — know why? Riding my bike. But then winter will come and I’ll go back to a size 11,000 because that’s life.

    Your ass is lurvely.

  14. You know what’s rude? Plateauing. If you’re doing shit faithfully, it should count. That is total bullshit. That’s why I quit the running.

  15. I can’t run.

    You know, I was on the VARSITY Rowing team in college. Have I ever told you that? It sounds very unlike me doesn’t it? But I was…and I SUCKED. But I sucked varsity. Anyway, after a year of it I was able to run 6 miles and then row full boar the 6 miles back without losing my breath.

    Then I quit.

    I was all, “Fuck you Fitness!”

  16. I have a strict rule about running. I only run if someone is chasing me. Seriously.

    Any workout DVD by Jillian Michaels is the bestest. And her Biggest Winner (or some such nonesense title) series is only 30min each but does the trick.

  17. I loved Risin with Rosie in college…especially after a bottle of wine. Good times. I think you should stick with running. You can never plateau because you can just keep increasing your pace and running longer distances and if you’re competitive like me you can enter races and it is the best motivation to get your ass out the door and working out.

  18. I like big butts….

    Actually my ex wife used the Carmen Electra videos and I benefited.

    Yes the boozing will do it every time. So instead of a beer gut I guess you are getting a wine ass.

    I have a house full of kids this week but I have been stopping by.

  19. I’ve seen you on Ken’s site and on Flickr, and you are so not fat that I can’t even think of a punchline. You do have nice tits, though. If you want to keep them that way, isn’t running the last thing you want to do?

    Your ass looks just fine to me, too.

    So, on the cover of the Rosie video, am I wrong or is she all excited because she just filled her diaper? It’s about time that someone acknowledged that, yes, a bowel movement is movement. It’s exercise. It counts. And it makes you lighter by a few ounces.

    Exercise sucks ass. Your body knows what is good for itself. If you have sex, your body says, “that feels nice.” If you eat an entire cheesecake, your body says, “Yum!” If you lay on the couch watching porn and whacking off, your body says, “this is awesome!” If you run for a half hour, your body says, “Are you out of your fucking mind, bitch? There is nobody chasing us!” Then you puke. Puking is your body’s way of telling you not to fuck with it. I suggest you calm down, have a nice BM with Rosie, and strip with Carmen on slo-mo. That’s more exercise than anyone needs.

  20. Crissy, the sad truth, and I know this because I’m older than you, is that you can’t get away with as much vice as you get older. I used to be able to eat anything I wanted, and it didn’t matter as long as I got half an hour of aerobic excercise 3-4 times a week. Recently, I complained to my acupuncturist that I wanted to lose a few pounds, and I didn’t know what strategy to take. He said that you need more aerobic excercise when you’re older, so now I do 45 minutes. He also said to sharply reduce refined sugar. You can still eat sweets, within reason, but try to eat the better ones, made with evaporated cane juice, maple syrup, or best of all, raw honey.

    Is this working? Maybe!

  21. My motto is: I only run when being chased. Sure I could find a rabid dog and set it free to chase me, but then what do I do when I’m tired? The damned dog is still right behind me, so in a perfect world I could become a runner who ran when being chased, but the chaser stopped whenever I was tired.

  22. I want to try those Carmen Electra videos!

    I can’t run for anything. Not my life, nothing. I feel awkward, my knees seem to hurt and I hate wearing running shoes unless I’m in a gym. I wish I could run since it’s so good for you but I just can’t seem to do it.

  23. oh god, i have some of those old jane fonda videos too and they are ridic.

    like ben, i do some turbojamming too, and that seems to be working.

    ive been wanting to check out carmen’s striptease workout. there’s no way in hell ill be coordinated enough to pull it off, but i can try. let me know what it’s like!

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