Why is it so…Small?

Remember when I had to put on a strap on to have a sword fight with Mister over having our windows replaced because they were threatening to lead poison Girlfriend and give her The Retardation?

You do?

You’ve been paying attention, haven’t you?

I’m touched.

Well our application for an interest free loan from the state is finally complete (can I get an amen?) and I spent an entire day running around gathering last minute documents and making photocopies and going to the post office. When it was all said and done I mailed off 35 pages of fucking crap to the state. They about needed the results of my last pap smear and a colonoscopy film, but I got it all Internet.

And then on Thursday they called me at work. The woman on the phone was confused…

“Crissy, this is Rosemary at RI Housing. I have a question regarding your pay stubs.”

“Okay, shoot.”

“Well, I’m just confused about why your paycheck is so…small.”

“Well I work in a library…”

“Yes, I see that, but for how many hours?”

“20 per week.”

“And you get paid bi-weekly?”

“Yup.”

“Oh. Ok…But still…”

“I know, right?”

“Okay then. shuffles papers nervously in the background and takes a sip of her coffee. Er…thanks for your time. I’ll keep working on this and I’ll call you if there’s anything else.”

“Okay. Bye.”

“You have a nice day now. I’m sorry again about the paycheck.”

“Me too. You see why we need the loan?”

“I do!”

“I’d also like some money to build a deck out back and I want a new refrigerator because ours sucks and OH! Rosemary! I’m going to need new clothes for fall because I’m getting fatter by the second and my shit from last year is just like a hell to the N-O. Anything you can do about that there Sugar Shorts?”

“Ha, ha, ha, ha…Bye.”

“WAIT!”

Click

The bitch hung up on me!

But I think we’ve got that loan in the bag.

They may even throw in a little extra for food.

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30 comments

  1. Wow. Loving that you had a moment with the loan processor. If nothing else, she might send canned goods or hand-me-downs. I which case, you can use those to dress in costume and break windows to loot for the cash you need. Great idea right?

    I’m the best.

  2. Whew! For a minute there, I thought you were talking about the size of your strap-on. But I suppose it’s sadder still that you were talking about the size of your paycheck…and the loan processor felt the need to apologize for it. I guess being QOFE doesn’t come with a stipend?

  3. I hope your goal is to become a famous journalist because you’re hilarious and then you won’t need to worry about the small paycheck 🙂

  4. Seriously, she questioned the size of your paycheck? That’s like questioning a guy about the size of his pee-pee. Totally taboo. Especially from people who don’t know you. What was she thinking?

  5. Cew- It does.

    Maxie- Somebody had to say it. It might as well be you.

    Ben- You have the best ideas! I love that about you.

    Essentially- It seems that way…

    Lynne- Well, that’s why it’s there. For the pitiful.

    Dingo- No. QUOFE is not a paid position. I’m totally getting screwed.

    K8- Well, she was looking for fraud. You have to make under a certain amount of money to qualify for the loan.

    JoeInVegas-Thank you!!!

    Marie- Just a quick cheek swab and it was done. no biggie.

    Neth- SHHHH!!!

    Erica- That might be nice!

    Chris- I prefer beets.

    Rachel M.- Yeah. Why not?

    Melissa- It sure as hell does. Not that I know.

    Kiala- Sometimes is better than never. We must stay positive.

    Nilsa- She had to make sure I wasn’t lying. You have to make under a certain amount of money to qualify for the state loan program.

    Matt- Yes, but in this case a small paycheck is a good thing.

  6. So, the untold part of this story is that the money for your raging cocaine addiction is deducted directly from your paycheck, right? I’m on the same plan.

    If you wear the strap-on and videotape yourself sword-fighting with Ken — including the winner-takes-all aftermath of the duel — you could start that pay-site and solve all of your problems. And mine, too.

  7. I’m sorry about your tiny paycheck. But less sorry b/c it makes for good blog fodder AND can get you a loan. I’ll be Rosemary would like to help get you a loan….alone…see what I did there?

  8. Um, do you think they’ll throw in a little extra for this blog friend of yours? The one who lives in a TOTALLY different state, and that you’ve never met face to face?

    I think they will if you ask all nicely and stuff.

  9. Yep, we didn’t take care of the lead on the everything in the house, and the whole family, pets and all, have the retardation, for real. It’s worth having to talk to the person from the state who insults your living.

  10. I feel that, I was in a bank tring to get a loan to pay for this fall semester of school.
    The loan officer was like..”Ummm is this the amount you make per day?”
    I say “noooooo that’s more like how much I make a week”. She then says “ummm this might not be enough to qualify for the loan”.
    I respond “if I made more, I would have money, and not need the money I need from you so I can finish school,and make money,to give it back to you, sooo can I have some.”
    she decided to not give me any….

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