The Most Red Blogger Ever!

I went to the dermatologist’s yesterday for my quadri-annual lasering and acid burning.

Is quadri-annual a word?

I don’t care.

And my dermatologist looks like he’s about 10 years old, so I know he must be really, really, good. Who the hell wants an old wrinkly dude helping you give Father Time and Mother Nature the finger?

Not me, Internet.

I’ll take the ten year old, please.

And he’s sooo pleasant too. I sort of just want to piss in his cheerios a little bit because shit. It’s 8am and here I am waiting for him to bring on the burning and the itching and the peeling and the flaking and the redness. I’m not having a lot of what people would call fun.

But I have to go because they have to burn off the sun damage, because I’m such a fair and delicate flower, before it turns to cancer and I look like this:

It sucks.

And every time he comes into the room he says “hey-ho! How we doin’? Still smilin’?” He says it just like that every single time and I can picture him at his graduation from face doctor school thinking that that would be his thing. He may have even practiced it in the mirror while testing out new face cream. And I want to just say something like, “well, to tell you the truth there Shane, that’s his name, Shane, I’d like to burn your face with some acid and see if you’re still smilin’.”

But I don’t try to upset the man because he’s nice, really and also because he’s holding a laser in one hand and a jar of acid in the other and he’s about to go to town on my face.

And so I’m polite and pleasant and hap, hap, happy as can be because “Always be polite to men holding jars of acid” is my motto.

Crissy is not a stupid woman.

Shut up.

I’m not.

And so I look like this right now:

And when the pain and the redness and the flaking and the burning go away I’ll look seconds younger and I’ll be saved from skin cancer and you’ll all be so jealous you could spit!

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  1. Your motto is very wise indeed.

    ps–loved the reference–It’s going to be the hap, hap, happiest Christmas…

  2. Shelly- I’ll be live blogging a Brazilian wax on Monday!

    stealthnerd- It is indeed.

    Essentially- I can see him being a little passive aggressive like that. Maybe putting acid on people’s faces just isn’t enough.

    Rach- …since Bing Crosby danced with Danny Fuckin’Kay!

  3. Isn’t it ironic that the way you look to prevent skin cancer is the exact same look as someone who has sat out in the sun all day without sun protection?

  4. i’m not exactly sure how i feel about you leaving the house first thing in the morning, driving to see another man who calls you a “ho,” letting him give you facial, and then paying him.

    at least not without letting me do it first.

  5. I work for a plastic surgeon, and I get to see the scary faced cancer people all the time. And yes, when he’s holding a laser and a zapper, you don’t want to piss him off! (Not that he’d do anything THAT bad to you….)And the sunscreen lectures? I almost got fired for getting a sunburn. Damn.

  6. Red wine contains these something oid things that promote healing, etc. I suggest that you double your consumption of wine this weekend and you’ll feel lots better.

  7. Are you sure he didn’t say “laser” using air quotes like Dr. Evil? He may have said “laser” but it looks like he meant, “I’m going to perform your peel with subatomic radiation and steel wool!”

    Some lipstick and sunglasses, dahling, and I’m sure you’ll look fabulous until it all heals over in a year or two.

  8. That’s how I feel when my dentist tries to ask me if I’m okay while he’s got all his shit in my mouth:

    1) NO i’m not okay. you have shit in my mouth
    2) I can’t talk… you have shit in my mouth

    Not literally his SHIT obviously. That would be nasty.

  9. why yikes, that’s quite the process.
    i just got in from sitting outside to bake for 20 mins during my lunch break. shane would be none to pleased with these antics, im thinkin.

  10. See, I instead got teeth removed so that I can have that sunken model face instead.

    I’m drooling on myself and in pain, but hot damn look at how much more my cheekbones stick out!

  11. This reminds me of that Sex and the City episode where Samantha gets the acid on her face and Carrie makes her be her plus one and she wears a black veil all night. Do you have a sexy black veil you wear?

    The fact that I can bring everything back to Sex and the City is pathetic isn’t it? Don’t judge me.

  12. Have I told you that I had taken you up on you reccomendation to see this 12 yr old Dermatology PA? I’ve been back to see him 2 times for assorted things. Every time I go in, I want to go back for some laser/peel/sand- blasting because somehow I’m convinced It may just solve most of my problems…….

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