This Happens Almost Every Day

5:45 am: Wake up. Go downstairs to make coffee.

6:20 am: Write hilarious blog post.

6:40 am: Begin 1 hour power yoga with Bryan Kest and his well endowed lemmings

7:00 am: Get ass kicked by Bryan Kest and his well endowed lemmings.

7:40 am: End 1 hour power yoga with Bryan Kest and his well endowed lemmings.

8:00 am: Run out of body wash. Hop out of shower to get more from closet. Nearly die in slipping accident due to puddling on tile floor.

8:20 am: Apply lip gloss. Look in mirror. Not lipgloss. Mascara.

8:25.5 am: Makeup application and hairstyle complete. Remarkably and frighteningly similar to this look which is all the rage this summer:

At least I got something right.

8:35am: Baby falls off chair while eating breakfast. Chair lands on her pinkie toe.

8:40 am: Pack lunches with 29 lbs of screaming hot mess on hip.

9:10 am: Arrive at work. Nothing happens.

9:40 am: Go to Ladies room and realize my underneaths are visible through my skirt. Very. Note to self: Purple underneaths are not acceptable when wearing white cotton skirt. Even when skirt has purple polka dots on it. Polka dots are not camouflage for poor undergarment decisions.

10:00 am: Attempt to put money scraped from bottom of fucking huge new purse in “coffee club” tin. Put it in “Munch Box” instead.

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Forced to purchase Smart Food and Life Savers.

10:05 am: Smart Food does not make you smart. It is also a poor substitute for coffee. Ditto for the Life Savers, which I had high hopes for.

10:20 am: Need. Fucking. Coffee.

10:30 am: Chug co-worker’s Diet Coke while she’s in the john.

10:30.5 am: No I didn’t.

11:00 am:Finish online grocery order complete with coupons and sale items only to get to the end and click on exit instead of save and checkout. I never waste library time doing personal business.

11:00.5 am: Say “FUCK!” audibly just as Library director walks by. Director looks at me and keeps on trucking. She doesn’t bother to ask anymore.

11:30 am: Begin online search for a flask to put Scotch in. It’s more chic than a Nalgene bottle.

11:40 am: Crawl under my desk with jar of chocolates and stay there, like Gollem with his precious.

The resemblance is remarkable.

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It’s safe under there Internet.

If you try to get me out I’ll bite your leg.

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34 comments

  1. If I remember correctly, your alter ego Gollem munched on a few fingers. You may want to try that route if you can’t get your coffee. Unless, of course, the Munch Box doesn’t have fingers next to the Life Savers or Smart Food. Then, my friend, you are out of luck.

    Also, that bitch on the green book? You know, that one wearing the tiara? She’s mocking you. Draw a mustache on her cheery face and call it a day.

  2. Smartfood. You bring me back, girl. I totally forgot to get some last week. Damn. Now you know what you can give me for my wedding gift when you crash the party. Because you were taught never to show up at a party empty handed, right? RIGHT?

  3. I was kinda hoping to see the purple undies under the purple polka dotted skirt. That is SO something I would do. In fact, I’m wearing white capris today and really thought that the little yellow flowers on my white undies would go undetected.

    Nope.

  4. that Joker pic reminds me of the hangover pic of you where your head felt THIS BIG (with hands on sides of your head for emphasis).

    and you forgot to mention the part where the phone rings (during your yoga)! 🙂

  5. saratogajean- I know. Munch box makes me giggle every time.

    Ben- Sadly, I’ve been known to do that a lot.

    Essentially- I was sooo tempted!

    Stealthnerd- Work sucks. And uh, you’re welcome for the thing you sent me a message about yesterday. You’re funny!

    Dingo- Done.

    Neth- Nothing very interesting happened after lunchtime.

    Brookem- Your life isn’t very exciting is it? I’m sorry.

    Nilsa- I already bought you a dildo. Should I bring it back?

    Matt- You want me now, don’t you.

    Chris- That’s appropriate because that’s probably where I will go to die.

    k8- Oh, see? The flowers are a killer.

    Maxie- Oh those bad boys make you feel alive don’t they? Had there been any I would have. Believe me.

    Rach- Oh yeah. I forgot. You and my mom have the best/worst timing, I swear.

  6. At what point does the anxiety take over? I was thinking it might be like women and their periods, we just all get it at the same time. It’s 8:45 in Portland now, and I’m starting to feel it.

  7. 9:40 am: Go to Ladies room and realize my underneaths are visible through my skirt. Very. Note to self: Purple underneaths are not acceptable when wearing white cotton skirt. Even when skirt has purple polka dots on it. Polka dots are not camouflage for poor undergarment decisions.

    Not acceptable? I applaud this choice. More women should make it! 😀

  8. Melissa- Mine starts as soon as I open my eyes in the morning.

    Megkathleen- I’m just about ready to head under there right now.

    Geekybiker- How do you feel about visible panty lines?

    Marie- There’s room for two under here, but you’ll have to bring your own candy. These are mine!

    Kiala- Yoga that must have been produced and directed by gay men. The models have very large and impressive packages under very tight leotards. The camera is kept at waist level for maximum footage of the crotchal regions. It’s sort of funny, actually.

    stoogepie- Is there ever a detail that slips by you? Seriously?

    Alice- See you there in ten minutes!

    Megan- Yes. I think you’re right. That Emily always knows what to do!

  9. that last pic is AWESOME, I’m the same way with my sushi. Seriously, don’t fucking touch me when I am eating sushi, you WILL lose a body part and then I will rub pure wasbi on your stump.

  10. like rachel m, i too love sushi and wasabi. wasabi and horseradish are high on my list of condiments.

    like stoogie, i also like painted toenails. it makes me want to suck the cute little toes they’re on, and is one of the reasons i give a hell of a pedicure.

    i think that the concept of the purple panties under the white dress with the purple polkadots needs to be immortalized in picture form, so that the internets can decide for themselves just how appropriate it is. i actually think it could be a compelling shot.

  11. Sounds like fun.

    I can just hear the cops.

    “Ma’am put down the chocolates and come out from under the desk and no one will get hurt.”

    “Fuck you! I am not coming out and you can’t make me.”

  12. Rachel M.- That sounds pretty serious. I won’t fuck with your sushi.

    JoeInVegas- You’re just going to have to try it to find out.

    Neth- EW! on the toe sucking. NEVER. I will allow a picture though. Of the skirt issue. It might actually be a cool picture.

    rs27- I’m so sorry.

    Jim- The cops don’t have the balls to handle me.

    Brookem- Roger that. Me too.

    stoogepie- You two could be bffs.

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