So I was at the store the other day purchasing some swimmie noodles
for Girlfreind to practice her swimming with and the line was just stoopid long until finally a teenage boy opened another register, looked directly at me, and said “I can take you over here.” I said “great!” and started to go over there and then this cunt bag behind me ran ahead of me and cut me in his line. She actually ran to beat me.
It really burns my butt when people do this.
Listen up Miracle Ear,
HE WAS TALKING TO ME!
Now I understand that most people have the intelligence and sense of decency of a giraffe, no that’s not true, a giraffe has more, but seriously? I shouldn’t have to put up with it.
If you’re too ignorant to know it’s wrong to cut people in line you shouldn’t be allowed out in public. Just stay home in your Pjs and order from QVC.
The. End.
What part of “I’ll take YOU over here, nice blonde lady purchasing two swimmy noodles AND NOT YOU, dumb bitch purchasing spagetti sauce, Massengill, and tough actin’ Tinactin foot cream” did this downsy wad not understand?
She’s lucky I didn’t bludgeon her to death with those swimmy noodles. It would have been very difficult to do, because they’re like sooo soft and pliable, but I was that. mad.
But next time it happens, and we all know sure as shit that it will, I’m going to say something.
I’m putting my foot down.
I’m taking a stand.
I’m going Animal Planet on motherfuckers.
I don’t even care because nobody, NOBODY! is going to do that to me again!
CRISSY IS SAYING NO THANK YOU TO THE ASSHOLES OF AMERICA!!
I bet Dee Snider hates assholes too. I bet he’s thinking about them right now.
Crissy takes a small bow and exits, stage left, with Twisted Sister’s We’re Not Gonna Take It playing in the background along with the uproarious applause of tens of other people who read her blog and also hate assholes.
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July 29th, 2008 at 6:32 AM
So, if you’re the new Noodle Cosanostra can I inquire about a hit to hire you for?
July 29th, 2008 at 6:33 AM
Oh, and I am standing up with you to love Dee Snider and hate assholes too!
July 29th, 2008 at 6:37 AM
Bludgeoning with swimming noodles is one of the most satisfying activities of my entire life. To death? Well, that would take a serious commitment.
July 29th, 2008 at 7:01 AM
You should’ve taken her down. Knocked the spaghetti sauce out of her hand with the swimmy noodle and beamed her in the head with it.
July 29th, 2008 at 7:02 AM
First, thanks for reminding me of that kick ass Twisted Sister’s song! Second, people who cut in line should be forced to wear a leash when out shopping.
July 29th, 2008 at 7:39 AM
Never put up with that! Next time just announce loudly: EXCUSE ME, BUT I BELIEVE I WAS NEXT!!! That happened to me at the pharmacy recently and I was all like - OH NO YOU DITN’T BITCH!!
July 29th, 2008 at 7:42 AM
Oh wow. That is one serious bitch of douchebag. And a cow. Now I’m just being mean to cows. Next time kick the person and yell all sorts of foul language at them.
July 29th, 2008 at 7:54 AM
Did this happen at the Wal Mart? Because people at the WalMart here act this way ALL THE FREAKING time…….
July 29th, 2008 at 8:27 AM
that’s ridic. i hate when people are idiots like that. take a stand lady! you dont have to take it!
July 29th, 2008 at 8:28 AM
i just noticed you can click on the play button at the bottom of the post to get the song!
pretty slick, crissy…
July 29th, 2008 at 8:45 AM
Rach- Okay, but I’m expensive.
Ben- I’m prepared for that.
Kirby- I could have just poured it into her fake Coach bag. How do you like a little handbag marinara, bitch face!
Essentially- I know right, the song kicks ass!
Lynne- Did you give her a Karate chop?
Marie- Yeah. Cows are nice. And polite.
July 29th, 2008 at 8:46 AM
Shelly- No it happened at Job Lot. Even scubbier than Wal Mart so it shouldn’t be a big shocker.
brookem- No I do not. Join my crusade because you don’t have to take it either.
Neth- I invented slick, son.
July 29th, 2008 at 8:49 AM
I wish you had attacked her with the noodles and some person in the line would have videoed it and put it on youtube. That would have been sweet.
July 29th, 2008 at 8:51 AM
Those swimmy thingys are flexible, right? You should’ve twisted one of those things around her chicken neck. And then said, “Take that, sister!” And then made a video.
July 29th, 2008 at 8:54 AM
I am hereby joining your crusade! No more spaghetti-eating-douche-bagging-athlete’s-foot-infested assholes butting in line.
July 29th, 2008 at 8:57 AM
Had I seen that woman running, I would’ve accidentally stuck my foot out to trip her. Or accidentally opened 200 cans of tennis balls. I mean, an accident’s an accident, right?
PS - LOVE the new layout. Yeah, I’m that far behind in my reading.
PPS - Thank you for your lovely wedding advice. Both Sweets and I had a good laugh at your expense.
July 29th, 2008 at 9:04 AM
Oh I’d have KILLED that bitch! You showed much more restraint than I ever would have. I hate people like that. You’re right–they SHOULDN’T be allowed out in public. And God forbid people like that start procreating…then we’re all in trouble….
July 29th, 2008 at 9:13 AM
I always thought of giraffe’s as being nice…so thanks for ruining that for me.
Now when I see them at the Zoo I will think they are all assholes.
July 29th, 2008 at 10:02 AM
I’m more of jam-a-water-wing-down-her-throat kind of killer. The noodles just make you work more for the kill….
July 29th, 2008 at 10:04 AM
I think you showed great restraint. It would have been a bad idea to punch her. That would violate your parole, even in Job Lot.
For next time: Get behind her and say, “Oh! My! God! Until I saw you scramble in front of me like that, I couldn’t remember where I had seen you before! You’re that post-op tranny NFL dude, aren’t you? I’d recognize that footwork anywhere! What was his name? Come on! Come on! Tell me! What’s your name?!?”
Gesticulate wildly with one hand as you say this. With the other, palm a couple of small items from the shelf of shit behind you that every store has near the register and drop them into her counterfeit Coach purse. Get in her face as you do this to keep the misdirection alive.
When she huffs and tells you that you have her mistaken for someone else, wink and say to her in a whisper, “Yeah, I would say that in public too if I were you.” After she pays and is headed out, tell the register dude to call the manager because the transsexual stole some stuff. You saw it stick things in its purse.
Just a suggestion.
July 29th, 2008 at 10:28 AM
good stuff stoogie. do you do this kind of thing for a living?
July 29th, 2008 at 11:05 AM
Yo Ken! You mean do I palm things and steal things and shoplift for a living? No. Just a hobby.
July 29th, 2008 at 11:10 AM
Did she pay with pennies, too? Because when she shops in my town, she ALWAYS pays with change. Also she buys lots of cat food and Slim Fast. But no deoderant. Maybe I’ll toss some Secret in her faux Coach and hope she makes it past security.
July 29th, 2008 at 11:13 AM
I want Dee’s pants. I think they’d look good on me.
July 29th, 2008 at 11:28 AM
Smack down!
Rachel: you could just strangle her with them. Just sayin’ — explore all possibilities.
July 29th, 2008 at 11:55 AM
God. I always just take it when that happens, but I’m so sick of it. A dumpy lady did that to me waiting for a table at breakfast the other day. I didn’t say anything, but she got a terrible table right by the door.
Lynne’s advice just stunned me. So simple, and yet so right. Why did I never think of that?
July 29th, 2008 at 12:06 PM
I love that stooge knows a counterfeit Coach bag when he sees one!
and that he uses gesticulate in appropriate ways…
July 29th, 2008 at 12:13 PM
I’m constantly on guard for this kind of thing…especially for people who talk or whatever at the movie theater. And I I WILL say something to them.
This used to cause my ex, Dave, so many embarrassments because he doesn’t even notice when people act like assholes. Or at least, not in the way we notice them.
July 29th, 2008 at 12:33 PM
Re-enactment time! This calls for a Barbie Job Lot Smackdown! You could use one of those M&M guys as the cutting in line woman.
July 29th, 2008 at 1:15 PM
I think I might have beat her with the noodles. I tripped someone trying to beat me to an open aisle once. It was total poetic justice. And I didn’t feel bad.
July 29th, 2008 at 1:37 PM
Giraffes don’t need decency because they reach everything first anyway.
Chew on that.
Or don’t. either way.
July 29th, 2008 at 2:03 PM
Next time you definitely have to say something. She probably walks all over people all the time - somebody needs to teach her some manners!
July 29th, 2008 at 2:11 PM
i really like dee’s pants…is that bad?
July 29th, 2008 at 4:27 PM
“I’m going Animal Planet on motherfuckers.”
You’re going to pet a small marsupial on her?
Oh, I’ll back you. I’m just trying to get the visual.
July 30th, 2008 at 10:25 AM
now i know why ken was playing twisted sister all day yesterday….lol
July 31st, 2008 at 7:51 PM
Next time shank dat bitch. They’d never suspect a hot blonde buying noodles.