No Thanks, Assholes.

So I was at the store the other day purchasing some swimmie noodles

for Girlfreind to practice her swimming with and the line was just stoopid long until finally a teenage boy opened another register, looked directly at me, and said “I can take you over here.” I said “great!” and started to go over there and then this cunt bag behind me ran ahead of me and cut me in his line. She actually ran to beat me.

It really burns my butt when people do this.

Listen up Miracle Ear,


Now I understand that most people have the intelligence and sense of decency of a giraffe, no that’s not true, a giraffe has more, but seriously? I shouldn’t have to put up with it.

If you’re too ignorant to know it’s wrong to cut people in line you shouldn’t be allowed out in public. Just stay home in your Pjs and order from QVC.

The. End.

What part of “I’ll take YOU over here, nice blonde lady purchasing two swimmy noodles AND NOT YOU, dumb bitch purchasing spagetti sauce, Massengill, and tough actin’ Tinactin foot cream” did this downsy wad not understand?

She’s lucky I didn’t bludgeon her to death with those swimmy noodles. It would have been very difficult to do, because they’re like sooo soft and pliable, but I was that. mad.

But next time it happens, and we all know sure as shit that it will, I’m going to say something.

I’m putting my foot down.

I’m taking a stand.

I’m going Animal Planet on motherfuckers.

I don’t even care because nobody, NOBODY! is going to do that to me again!


I bet Dee Snider hates assholes too. I bet he’s thinking about them right now.

Crissy takes a small bow and exits, stage left, with Twisted Sister’s We’re Not Gonna Take It playing in the background along with the uproarious applause of tens of other people who read her blog and also hate assholes.

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  1. Bludgeoning with swimming noodles is one of the most satisfying activities of my entire life. To death? Well, that would take a serious commitment.

  2. Never put up with that! Next time just announce loudly: EXCUSE ME, BUT I BELIEVE I WAS NEXT!!! That happened to me at the pharmacy recently and I was all like – OH NO YOU DITN’T BITCH!!

  3. Oh wow. That is one serious bitch of douchebag. And a cow. Now I’m just being mean to cows. Next time kick the person and yell all sorts of foul language at them.

  4. Rach- Okay, but I’m expensive.

    Ben- I’m prepared for that.

    Kirby- I could have just poured it into her fake Coach bag. How do you like a little handbag marinara, bitch face!

    Essentially- I know right, the song kicks ass!

    Lynne- Did you give her a Karate chop?

    Marie- Yeah. Cows are nice. And polite.

  5. Shelly- No it happened at Job Lot. Even scubbier than Wal Mart so it shouldn’t be a big shocker.

    brookem- No I do not. Join my crusade because you don’t have to take it either.

    Neth- I invented slick, son.

  6. I wish you had attacked her with the noodles and some person in the line would have videoed it and put it on youtube. That would have been sweet.

  7. Those swimmy thingys are flexible, right? You should’ve twisted one of those things around her chicken neck. And then said, “Take that, sister!” And then made a video.

  8. Had I seen that woman running, I would’ve accidentally stuck my foot out to trip her. Or accidentally opened 200 cans of tennis balls. I mean, an accident’s an accident, right?

    PS – LOVE the new layout. Yeah, I’m that far behind in my reading.

    PPS – Thank you for your lovely wedding advice. Both Sweets and I had a good laugh at your expense. 🙂

  9. Oh I’d have KILLED that bitch! You showed much more restraint than I ever would have. I hate people like that. You’re right–they SHOULDN’T be allowed out in public. And God forbid people like that start procreating…then we’re all in trouble….

  10. I always thought of giraffe’s as being nice…so thanks for ruining that for me.

    Now when I see them at the Zoo I will think they are all assholes.

  11. I think you showed great restraint. It would have been a bad idea to punch her. That would violate your parole, even in Job Lot.

    For next time: Get behind her and say, “Oh! My! God! Until I saw you scramble in front of me like that, I couldn’t remember where I had seen you before! You’re that post-op tranny NFL dude, aren’t you? I’d recognize that footwork anywhere! What was his name? Come on! Come on! Tell me! What’s your name?!?”

    Gesticulate wildly with one hand as you say this. With the other, palm a couple of small items from the shelf of shit behind you that every store has near the register and drop them into her counterfeit Coach purse. Get in her face as you do this to keep the misdirection alive.

    When she huffs and tells you that you have her mistaken for someone else, wink and say to her in a whisper, “Yeah, I would say that in public too if I were you.” After she pays and is headed out, tell the register dude to call the manager because the transsexual stole some stuff. You saw it stick things in its purse.

    Just a suggestion.

  12. Did she pay with pennies, too? Because when she shops in my town, she ALWAYS pays with change. Also she buys lots of cat food and Slim Fast. But no deoderant. Maybe I’ll toss some Secret in her faux Coach and hope she makes it past security.

  13. God. I always just take it when that happens, but I’m so sick of it. A dumpy lady did that to me waiting for a table at breakfast the other day. I didn’t say anything, but she got a terrible table right by the door.

    Lynne’s advice just stunned me. So simple, and yet so right. Why did I never think of that?

  14. I love that stooge knows a counterfeit Coach bag when he sees one!

    and that he uses gesticulate in appropriate ways…

  15. I’m constantly on guard for this kind of thing…especially for people who talk or whatever at the movie theater. And I I WILL say something to them.

    This used to cause my ex, Dave, so many embarrassments because he doesn’t even notice when people act like assholes. Or at least, not in the way we notice them.

  16. I think I might have beat her with the noodles. I tripped someone trying to beat me to an open aisle once. It was total poetic justice. And I didn’t feel bad.

  17. “I’m going Animal Planet on motherfuckers.”

    You’re going to pet a small marsupial on her?

    Oh, I’ll back you. I’m just trying to get the visual.

  18. Think about the average intelligence of the public…
    Got a figure?
    Now consider,  half of them are more stupid…

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