A Series of Unfortunate Events

Once upon a time there was a Mommy Bird and a Daddy Bird who thought it would be lovely to lay thier eggs in the air conditioner vent outside Girlfriend’s room at Crissy’s house.

At first, the Crissys were delighted with their new neighbors, even though they were a little noisy and woke girlfriend up in the morning with all their incessant tweeting. “It’s just like in Snow White!” said Crissy as the birds flew from her shoulder to fashion a beautiful princess dress for her out of sticks and things they found in the yard.

And then one day Daddy Bird went out to find some juicy food for Mommy Bird and her two Baby Birds when a terrible, terrible rain storm came and SPLAT! either that or THUD! We don’t know, no one heard him fall, we just know he died because this is what Crissy found on the ground.

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Well, actually, Alice found it first, but whatever.

RIP Daddy Bird.

Mommy Bird, having no idea of the fate that had befallen Daddy Bird, told the Baby Birds what a no good rotten dirty bird Daddy Bird is and said he’s probably out drinking at the Fancy Feathers strip club with his stupid friends, these guys,

and probably wouldn’t be coming home until he was good and hammered and all out of bird seed monies.

When she heard on Twitter that there was another terrible storm coming, she had no choice but to leave the nest to go pick up a bottle of wine from Tweet and Swallow’s Package Store and a DVD from Nestflix. But she left too late and the storm hit and SPLAT (or THUD) she went on the front walk of Crissy’s house.

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And then on Friday, Crissy walked into Girlfriend’s room to find that it smelled like Satan’s Asshole.  At first,  Crissy thought it was most likely the Dark Lord finally coming to claim her as his bride, but then she remembered that if Mommy Bird and Daddy Bird were both gone, there was no one left to feed and care for Baby Birds. Upon investigation, Crissy found that indeed one baby had met an unfortnate end as well and was dangling thusly from Girlfriend’s window:

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The poor creature’s leg was caught.

And when Mister removed the air conditioner to reveal what was left of the nest he found that the other baby, tragically, was also deceased.

The gruesome mess is gone now and the Crissys are trying to recover from the loss of their dear little friends.

And Crissy is just mad because the birds never did finish the twigs and stuff princess dress they were making for her.

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26 comments

  1. Gaping jaw.

    That’s a lot of bird death…Take that story, slap Johnny Depp on it, and you’ve got yourself an Oscar-winning film.

  2. AWESOME story btw–too bad this couldn’t have been Chris’s contest. Because that Daddy Dirty Bird was definitely confused in the beginning.

    Nestflix–hahahaha!

  3. Will there be services for the deceased? I’ll check to see what the bereavement policy is on that. The picture of the large blackbirds frightened me BTW.

  4. yes, it was gruesome.. smelling of musty death and swarming with hungry insects.

    girlfriend is taking it better than the adults. it’s easy when you have no real concept of death. ahh, the ignorance of youth, and the reason we all self-medicate as adults.

  5. Aww! While I feel sorry for Mommy and Daddy Dirty Bird, I feel even more for the poor thing stuck in that sub-standard looking birdhouse with the luring crows surrounding her.

  6. Ben- Either JD or Robin Williams. Get it? Robin? bird? Okay I’ll stop.

    Rach- You laugh at the wrongest things I swear.

    Maxie- I know, right? We were all screwed up over it all weekend.

    Lynne- Yes, please check the policy. I’m feeling rather bereaved.

    Marie- One by one they all bit the big one. It’s so sad.

    Leah- Oh. Sorry. This is not the story for you there Prego.

    Stealthnerd- Tragic.

    Neth- I’m still sort of sad. Are you?

    Dingo- Those guys are bad news.

    Chris- RUN!!! For the love of God man, RUN!!!

    Jamie- Yeah, at least the smell is gone. Poor little birdies.

  7. This is a tragic story and I am sorry for your loss. I have some room in my animal cemetary for them. I have 3 cats who kill just about everything that comes in the yard. I wake up in the morning to the stench of death literally at my doorstep!! lol I get moles, mice and a shitload of birds. One if my cats has super flying powers and can catch the shit out of some birds!!!

  8. Okay–I only laughed because I lived the trauma with you onthe phone and I realized…you weren’t kidding! He really was dangling.

    I’m not a monster after all…

  9. Alice- I know. I’m still crying inside.

    Rachel M- It might be. Maybe I shouldn’t make fun of Jesus anymore.

    Jen- My dad’s dogs kill birds like mad. I didn’t know dogs could do that.

    Kiala- Have a shot of vodka with your oatmeal. It makes the pain go away.

    Rach- I told you the poor thing was dangling and you laughed! Now you know. He really was…sniffle.

  10. Poor birdies!

    The bird story is sad and all but, damn, right smack in the middle of it you totally got stood up at the altar by the Dark Lord (and His asshole). That’s the part that made me cry.

  11. I just can’t believe they didn’t finish your dress for you. Sounds like they were some LAZY birds. Hopefully the next birds who take up residence at your house have a better work ethic.

  12. It’s probably better that dress didn’t get made. I mean, don’t the ugly step-sisters tear it apart in the end? Much better to get your fairy godmothers to magic you up a dress, even if it ends up being two-toned.

  13. You’ve got the Jehovah’s…now PETA is knocking on my door…

    *grabs one of your tissues to show remorse for obscene commentary*

  14. We have birds that nest somewhere in a wall every year. We never know if their peeping ceases because they die or if they FLY….FLY AWAY. Our house doesn’t smell like satan’s ass, though, so I’ll guess they flew away.

    Well, it may smell like satan’s ass….I have 2 dogs, a cat and two teenage boys, but they always say you can’t smell your own house. Besides my housekeeping skills are less than stellar.

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