I’m bored Internet.
Bored, bored, bored.
I need a hobby.
At first the blog was a hobby but now it’s like a second job. Not that I’m gonna quit or anything like that so don’t reach for that box of tissues just yet.
I just…I don’t know. I need something to do.
I thought about knitting, but I’ve tried that and it always comes out looking like I did it with my feet. Same thing with gift wrapping. I know it’s not a hobby, per se, but I’m just all feet when it comes to doing anything like that that requires…what’s the word…
Or coordination. Or both.
I mean you’ve seen my dancing, right?
I just don’t have the patience for that kind of stuff that requires taking time to learn and do things properly.
There was the time I tried shaving fun and interesting animal shapes into my pubes and I was actually very talented at it until there was an unfortunate incident and I damn near lost a labia.
Important safety tip: Baby oil is slippery.
Creating Pubeanimals is not for amateurs.
I tried shoplifting as a hobby for a while but that’s risky. There could be jail time involved if I get sloppy and I’m pretty sloppy most of the time so it’s bound to happen. I cannot go to jail. I’d be exactly like Private Benjamin. Only I’d be in jail and not the military.
And you know I’d wind up being some Diesel Dyke’s girlfriend on the first day, right? I’m too pretty to go to jail!
Although I wouldn’t mind shanking a bitch…
No. Shanking bitches is not a hobby. It’s more like a lifestyle choice.
What about Drunk Driving?
No. Same problem as shoplifting and shanking bitches.
They’re always making things difficult.
I don’t want a conventional hobby like Fly Fishing, which I think has something to do with the porn industry but I’m not certain, or Macramé Pot Holder Making or Chinese Aphrodisiac Cooking.
I want something that has pizazz!
Like, I don’t know. Pole Dancing? That could actually lead to some monetary gain at some point too. You know, if I get good and don’t drop myself on my melon.
It’s soft and it bruises easily.
Anything that involves injury or the potential risk of injury even if it’s just a paper cut or a flesh wound is right out.
Also, anything having to do with fire or flames is right out too. I’m highly flammable so Candle Making or Fire Eating are both a no go.
So I’m going to be thinking of this but in the meantime I’m open to any suggestions you might have.
Oh, and it can’t have anything to do with being out of doors and in nature. They have bugs at nature and I don’t like bugs.
PS: My husband stole my blog post for today because he’s a douchewad. So go see him and yell “Thieving Ass Monkey” at him. He’ll love that.
PSS: Also I’m at Nilsa’s talking about how drunk I was at my wedding. COME AND SEE ME. I’m mad at you guys who didn’t come to see me on Monday when I guest posted. That’s fine. I know who my friends are.