Masturbation is not a Hobby.

I’m bored Internet.

Bored, bored, bored.

I need a hobby.

At first the blog was a hobby but now it’s like a second job. Not that I’m gonna quit or anything like that so don’t reach for that box of tissues just yet.

I just…I don’t know. I need something to do.

I thought about knitting, but I’ve tried that and it always comes out looking like I did it with my feet. Same thing with gift wrapping. I know it’s not a hobby, per se, but I’m just all feet when it comes to doing anything like that that requires…what’s the word…


Or coordination. Or both.

I mean you’ve seen my dancing, right?


I just don’t have the patience for that kind of stuff that requires taking time to learn and do things properly.

There was the time I tried shaving fun and interesting animal shapes into my pubes and I was actually very talented at it until there was an unfortunate incident and I damn near lost a labia.

Important safety tip: Baby oil is slippery.

Creating Pubeanimals is not for amateurs.

I tried shoplifting as a hobby for a while but that’s risky. There could be jail time involved if I get sloppy and I’m pretty sloppy most of the time so it’s bound to happen. I cannot go to jail. I’d be exactly like Private Benjamin. Only I’d be in jail and not the military.

And you know I’d wind up being some Diesel Dyke’s girlfriend on the first day, right? I’m too pretty to go to jail!

Although I wouldn’t mind shanking a bitch…


No. Shanking bitches is not a hobby. It’s more like a lifestyle choice.

What about Drunk Driving?

No. Same problem as shoplifting and shanking bitches.


They’re always making things difficult.

I don’t want a conventional hobby like Fly Fishing, which I think has something to do with the porn industry but I’m not certain, or Macramé Pot Holder Making or Chinese Aphrodisiac Cooking.

I want something that has pizazz!

Like, I don’t know. Pole Dancing? That could actually lead to some monetary gain at some point too. You know, if I get good and don’t drop myself on my melon.

It’s soft and it bruises easily.

Anything that involves injury or the potential risk of injury even if it’s just a paper cut or a flesh wound is right out.

Also, anything having to do with fire or flames is right out too. I’m highly flammable so Candle Making or Fire Eating are both a no go.

So I’m going to be thinking of this but in the meantime I’m open to any suggestions you might have.

Oh, and it can’t have anything to do with being out of doors and in nature. They have bugs at nature and I don’t like bugs.

PS: My husband stole my blog post for today because he’s a douchewad. So go see him and yell “Thieving Ass Monkey” at him. He’ll love that.

PSS: Also I’m at Nilsa’s talking about how drunk I was at my wedding. COME AND SEE ME. I’m mad at you guys who didn’t come to see me on Monday when I guest posted. That’s fine. I know who my friends are.

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  1. I suggest that you start your own home improvement show for our viewing pleasure. It’s perfect – you said you and Mr. had lots of things to do to the house, you’re always looking for things to blog about and we get to live vicariously through you!

  2. Well, my idea isn’t NEARLY as interesting as Lynne’s. Damn. I was going to suggest scrapbooking…….yes, there is the chance you may get a papercut….get over it. Just think, you can fit in with all the other mom’s and show off a GORGEOUS scrapbook of GF, but then, on the underbelly of it all, think of all the pornagraphic THINGS you can scrapbook……yep… Frank and Alice’s affair……..carving shapes into pubic hair, and of course anything else your little heart desires.

    yep, you can have the coffee table scrapbooks, and the ones you save for Mister.

  3. WHOA pubeanimals…whoa! That’s just…WHOA.

    I mean, what are the odds someone else has the same hobby as me? P.S. I’m down one nut from the giraffe incident.

  4. Isn’t being Queen of Fucking Everything enough? Do you really need something else to do? Saving drowning boys and pouting about the lack of recognition and parades seems like it’s very time consuming.

  5. Leah- I’m going to need a list of those…

    Lynne- You’re a real fart smeller, I mean smart fella, you know that? How’s the atmosphere back there today?

    Shelly- I could start a scrapbook of all my pubeanimals!

    Ben- SEE? The baby oil is a killer.

    Stealthnerd-OMG!!! That’s it! NAPPING is my new hobby!

    brookem- I think I’m going to make another one soon. Glad you liked it.

    Neth- Ha, ha, ha! and EW!

    Dingo- Yes, that’s right. DIGNITY. And I like punishment so yeah. I need more shit to do.

    Marie- I tried that. No one was impressed.

    Rachel M.-You make an excellent point.

  6. Try filmmaking. No not that kind of filmmaking. It started out as a hobby for me now I spend 12 hours a day working my ass off trying to break into the industry. It’s fun too. I get to meet all kinds of interesting people and I even like some of them. That would also be why I am not around much these days.

  7. Crissy, I am busy as hell. I just pitched a TV show and I am working on writing the synopsis for 3 other scripts to get them pitched and I dug up a novel I have been working on for over a decade. I am also co-writing a script that we will be shooting in less than 2 months. Still doing interviews and writing original content for my movie site which is why I have not done anything on the The Dudes Dad for awhile. I just have not had time. My hobby is turning into a new career.

    No rest for this whore.

  8. Masturbation is too a hobby, and can be a very time-consuming one. Not to mention the chafing.

    Pubeanimals sound fantastic. I know Ken took pics of your efforts but I couldn’t find any on Flickr. Please share.

    As far as hobbies, how did that whole make-your-own-dildo thing work out for you? You could make that into a cool hobby. Collect all the men on your block or something. Or write to celebrities and ask them for a mold and start a collection. Kind of like a wax museum.

    I would suggest sword swallowing as an awesome hobby for you. Many, many applications.

  9. God, I didn’t visit. I’m shitty. And now I’m not going to visit again because my partner and my kid are out of town and I’m going to lie in bed and read a book. Which is my hobby, at least for today. Maybe you could kick the kid and the man to the curb and try it?

  10. I really think that you should post more video and why not a home improvement show? You could call it Crissy Gets Hammered, Fun with Nails & Screws, Getting Nailed with Crissy, House Whore…. I could keep going. Can you see I like my own idea very much? Also, I’m happy to report that there is no Gas Alert back here today. It’s been quiet.

  11. “ don’t reach for that box of tissues just yet.”

    *snicker* Well at least its not a play through.

  12. Make hair bows. It is worth the time if you have two little girls which I also have. It’s not that hard. I also couldn’t crochet if my life depended on it and can’t sew. My husband once told me that when I sew buttons back on they look like they are growing thread tumors. There are directions all over the internet.

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