Drumroll please…

I know you guys were all awake last night pacing the floors and popping xanax and worrying about the outcome of the big day so I won’t keep you waiting any longer.

And the winning scenario is….

Scenario A!!!!



Ya- ta-da-da!

Miracles happen people and I’m here to testify!

She didn’t cry when I left, she wasn’t sassy or fresh with the teachers, she didn’t shank a bitch, and she didn’t kick or punch anyone. Not even once! And neither did I!

I guess a half bottle of Klonopin really is enough to sooth a savage preschooler.

Silly me. I didn’t think it would be enough.

And I didn’t even have one single sip of that martini I brought with me.

The teacher said she was very good and had fun. I know this mostly because I asked her several times out of disbelief and she had the same answer every time.


And when I got there to pick her up she just looked at me and said “hi mommy!” and kept on playing. She didn’t want to leave and thank jeebus I had a surprise waiting for her in the car or she never would have come with me.

It was this book that I bought for her:

If you haven’t read it yet you should, really. It’s one of her favorites.

So yeah.

My daughter is the Princess of Fucking Everything.

This post is short today and I’d say sorry but you’re probably all totally psyched that you don’t have this whole long bladidy-blah and la, la, la post to read.

You’re welcome.


Oh! Wait! I won a t-shirt from Dingo:

For this caption:

Everything’s going my way, Internet!

It scares me.

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  1. Hoorah for both you and Girlfriend.

    I think I love that shirt. And that caption. I imagine it being said in a newsreader voice and I actually laugh out loud.

  2. Awwwwwwww, GF is such a sweetie! Save the stressing for when she’s 16. And I think you should have won a million dollars for that caption – hysterical!

  3. But now that you got our hopes up, did. some kid show up wearing flippers or other inappropriate school attire?

    Lynne – she had the option between a million dollars and the t-shirt. She chose the t-shirt.

  4. Rach- Cheers! clinky clinky!

    Kirby- That’s exactly how I imagined it too.

    Lynne- The winner’s caption was funnier, I’m just happy to be nominated.

    Melissa- I’m doing it. Can you feel the good energy yet?

    Dingo- Nope. None of the kids were inappropriate as far as I can tell. Sorry. There was one kid who looked a little downsy though if that makes you feel any better.

  5. It’s possible that I have that same “tongue out” picture from most if not all of my first days….

    I’m glad GF didn’t shank anyone. Though I would have enjoyed seeing the Barbie diorama of that.

  6. OMG! Girlfriend is just so adorable!!! I know I’ve probably said that five thousand times already, but she is.

    Wohoo! You won and no problems with GF at school. All is right with the universe again. 🙂

  7. You and the teacher think you have it all figured out, don’t you? But today you will start to find the bodies….

    What a coincidence! I am almost finished with a comic called, “Once I Ate a Stoogepie.” Girlfriend will get quite a kick out of it after reading the children’s version.

  8. Hooray Girlfriend for doing a stupendous job! =)

    I’ll still keep my fingers crossed that it’s not a once-in-a-lifetime occurrence, and that each day gets progressively easier!

    P.S. Thanks for the valuable parenting tip on the Happy Meal. I’ll be keeping that trick in my pocket for sure.

  9. Girlfriend is just adorable! I love her little outfit and Hello Kitty purse! Snazzy one, she is.

    Next time if she doesn’t want to go, you could always add a little martini-mix in her sippy cup at breakfast. Whynot.

  10. I’m so glad it went well!

    And that caption totally reminds me of “it was a drive by fruiting” from Mrs. Doubtfire. Best. Movie. Ever.

  11. Marie- The universe and I are at peace…for now.

    stoogepie- Do you think she hid the bodies in the sand box? That seems like the most logical place.

    Matt- She so did!

    JoeInVegas- Yes it does. Hold me, I’m sad.

    Leah- Happy meal or cookies always work.

    brookem- Martinis were NOT on the list of forbidden foods, so I think they’re allowed there.

    Megan- You would love that book. It’s a book of dog poems. It’s adorable.

    Maxie- High five! That’s exactly where I got it from!

  12. You will pay for this day on the day a boy asks her out for the first time. She’s just building it all up.

    Kids are conniving like this.

  13. Girlfriend’s probably a slow burn. She’s manipulating and creating alliances and soon, someone will be voted off.

    It could even be you.

    I blame reality tv.

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