b-a-n-a-n-a-s

So today’s the big day!
I have to drop Girlfriend off at school for the first time.
I tried all weekend to convince her that this shit is bananas and it’s gonna blow her mind it’s so fun, but she remains unconvinced saying “I’m gonna throw the teachers in the trash can! I don’t wanna go to school!”

Fuck.

Me.

As you can imagine, my anxiety is through the roof.

It’s 6:30 am and I haven’t yet brought her over to the school so I can’t tell you how it worked out even though by the time most of you are reading this the deed will have been done.

But for Rachel and Lynne and a few others who read in the morning, here are couple of scenarios that I imagine are possible.

Scenario A:

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She takes one look at the place, tells me to get lost, and behaves like a total angel to everyone. This is about as likely as me being able to remember that I’ve left the keys in the door after I’ve unlocked it, but a girl can have dreams can’t she? Sure she can, Internet…Sure she can.

Scenario B:

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She cries and screams and begs me to stay thereby breaking my heart into a gazillion little pieces and sending me to work in tears. It’s the one most likely to happen but apparently it’s normal and in fact, when I called the school to get some tips on how to make this an easier transition for her, the very nice woman on the phone said to me “on the first day of school there’s a lot of kicking and screaming. And the kids are upset too.”

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!!

So perhaps I won’t be the only mommy who’s carrying a martini, straight up and dirty, in her insulated travel mug feeling a little apprehensive today.

Scenario C:

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We get there, she sees the kids and takes off to play. I leave, and as soon as a teacher tries to interact with her, she swears at her and gnashes her terrible teeth and shows her terrible claws. Girlfriend does not like strangers and everyone knows there’s no scarier beast alive than the preschool teacher. You cannot trust anyone who smells of minty craft paste and Fig Newtons.

Either that or she’ll punk off one of the other kids.

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I tried to sweeten the deal by telling her that she can go to McDonald’s for a Happy Meal afterward. So far that’s the only thing about today that she wants any part of at all.

Valuable Crissy parenting tip: Keep McDonald’s in your back pocket as a very, very special treat and only take it out when the circumstances are dire and you need a really, really, good bribe.

So yeah. I guess I’m leaving you with a cliffhanger.

Come back tomorrow to find out what happened at Preschool Summer Camp today.

Dun, dun, daaaaaa….

Ps: I’m over at Oh! How Lovely! telling a funny story about my old dog Tashi. Come see!

PSS: I almost won Dingo’s caption contest! I might be the winner of either a t-shirt or a Cd! Woot! Woot!

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22 comments

  1. Good luck! I’m sure she’ll be fine, you’ll see. She’ll see all those toys and forget you exist! Bribery is a good parenting tool though-I used it all the time and you can see how my kids turned out. Wait. Nevermind.

  2. Why bother with preschool at all? I mean, can’t she just learn how to spell from Fergie and Gwen Stefani like the rest of us? That shit is t to the a, s, t the e the y.

  3. She will be FINE. One day of hysteria and the world will be right again. It’s actually what you’ve been wanting all along you know…Girlfriend having a hissy and SOMEONE ELSE to deal with it.

    I love Happy Meals. And Fig Newtons.

    ps-I didn’t even notice the flippers–but that’s AWESOME!

    pps-how many Barbie’s do you have???

  4. I stumbled in via Oh, How Lovely.

    This has nothing to do with much, but when I was a kid, I swear my barbies had that exact same dress. The one with the lacey top, black sash and flouncy pink skirt. This brought back memories.

  5. Oh honey. Don’t you worry. She’ll be fine. Not today, no. But tomorrow. And this afternoon, actually. In fact, she’ll only be upset until you leave. Then she’ll be distracted by all the crayons and activities. Don’t worry.

    I would also like to know how many Barbies you have.

    Jesus, it’s early here.

  6. A) She’ll be cool.
    B) I’m also interested in the final Barbie count
    C) A small part of me does wish that Girlfriend will “punk off one of the other kids.” But I think that might just be me….

  7. My Diana was the first scene at camp, no love for the mom. LOVE the Crissy barbie. You seem to be doing better with your barbies, check out my post for my barbie problem.

  8. I cried every single time my mom dropped me off for the first day of school until I reached the third grade. Damn right I wanted my mommy!

    Girlfriend will be fine though. I think it would be awesome to see her tell the teacher she wants to throw her in the trash.

  9. Im not a parent myself and maybe I am a bit unethical at times but cant you just give kids benadryl, drop them off and when they wake up, it’s the schools problem?? or is that not how it goes

  10. Lynne- One of them turned out great! One out of three is good…

    Ben- She prefers Madonna, unfortunately.

    Dingo- Our Barbies are all for gay rights! Do I really get the shirt???? YES!!!!

    Rach- I don’t know how many, maybe like 15 barbies and 4 little Kelly dolls. Some of them were mine when I was little.

    Kirby- You did have that dress! It belonged to my Barbies. Amazing it survived, isn’t it?

    Kiala- I hope the McDonald’s helps her forget her woes…there’s nothing like a little poisnous Happy Meal to help you drown your sorrows. See above comment to Rachel for barbie count.

    Stealthnerd- If she weren’t my kid I’d want her get in there and kick some 3 year old ass too.

    Rachel M.- I saw that! We both did purse posts last week too. We should pool all the barbies together. I wonder how many we’d have?

    Marie- I know. I always wanted my mommy to stay too.

    Matt- No. Sadly, that is not how it goes.

  11. I’m an only child and school always upset me. ALWAYS. I was 17 and still crying on my way in. People make me feel bad. It’s why I blog.

    This will not happen to GF though. Because she’s well-adjusted.

  12. See, I told you! You look awesome in wings!

    I hope that, just in case, you explained to Girlfriend that sucker punches and roundhouse kicks are the way to go. Also, it’s all in the footwork, so that kid with the flippers is the one she should beat up first. That dude doll is not smiling in your photos, but I can’t wait to see how he looks after Girlfriend gets through with his flipper-wearing kid.

  13. Two things. One: I used to be a counselor at a summer camp for toddlers and the kids would always freak when they first got there, but they would get over it pretty quickly and have fun. Two: My barbie and that same dress with the black sash and the lace top and I always thought it was risque because somehow my dress was missing that lining under the lace…my barbies were naughty.

  14. It’s July. This kid is being tortured by going to school in July. Unless its summer school because then crazy things happen when Mark Harmon is your teacher.

  15. Melissa- I’m not so sure she’s well adjusted. Look who her parents are.

    Chris- They sure do!

    stoogepie- Yeah. Flippers aren’t the best choice for school. Have you ever tried to climb the ladder up to the slide wearing flippers? It’s really hard.

    Megkathleen- Your Barbies really were slutty!

    rs27- It’s really summer camp. It’s to just get them used to going there and getting to know their teachers before they start up in September. I’m not that big a monster!

    Lacocharn- Anybody would be zen with that snack. ANYBODY.

    brookem- Me too! And if she survives the first day, I hope she’ll go back tomorrow.

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