Are You There Vodka? It’s Me, Crissy.

I’m worried.

That’s really nothing new.

Your Crissy worries herself to death. Actually, to drink, but whatever.

Today I am worried because:

I have eleventy million things going on right now and I’m really, really stressed out. I don’t know how I am going to do it all.

We have a billion things that need to be done to this house to get it ready for winter and we have zero billion monies with which to do them.

I’m really very upset because Girlfriend starts preschool summer camp on Monday and it’s the first time she’s ever been left with strangers and so I’m freaking the fuck out and every time I think about it I start to fucking cry.

My daughter has been very aggressive with her bff Alena and yesterday she threw a ball at her face and gave her a bloody nose. I’m beside myself with worry about whether Girlfriend’s evil behavior is because she’s actually a little fire-monster or if she’s acting out for some reason or if she’s really that under socialized that she thinks it’s cool to beat on her friends. And what will happen to her in preschool?

I have four parties to go to this weekend and I don’t know how I’m going to get through it all because I’m so tired I’m slurring my words and that’s without vodka.

I have to work on Saturday which pisses me off to no end. People should never be forced to work on Saturdays. It’s just cruel!

Will my husband ever put the toilet paper on right? He does it under. UNDER! Can you imagine? It goes OVER! Anything else is just sheer lunacy.

I’d really like to get laid but by the time I get to bed I just pass out. Clitoris be damned.

I’m too busy/tired to even rub one out.

I swear if I see a neighbor out of doors I’m going to wind up running out there and humping his leg in the middle of the afternoon because Mister is still at work. Which neighbor, it matters not. I’ll even take the big guy. I bet his leg would feel like fluffy pillows…

And if those Jehovah boys come to my door again today I’m going to make men out of them for sure.

I don’t know Internet.

I need some sex and I need about six of these and I’ll be right as rain, an expression I do not understand:

I’ll be home all day Internet.

Bring it.

Bring it all.

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32 comments

  1. Holy Crap! You didn’t mention all this in the 6 minutes I gave you…of course, you may have but Girlfriend’s screams for peanut butter may have altered my hearing.

    1st: She will be an ANGEL at the camp/preschool. You’ll be amazed to hear how great she does and then feel inferior/pissed that she saves all the crap for “The Mommy Show”. No crying allowed until this realization happens–otherwise you’ll be all rage.

    2nd: Alena will survive. As long as she’s not running scared from GF, then they’re still friends. And if Mom & Dad are still speaking to you…BONUS!

    3rd: You’re husband probably has what he feels to be a GREAT reason for putting on the TP the WRONG WAY. I can hear the dissertation forming. But you’re wrong Ken–it’s OVER. The End.

  2. Rach- Perhaps, if we are both able to stay awake past 7pm, we could have telephone vodka therapy? Do you have another 6 minutes this evening?

  3. I don’t have any vodka, but I have rum. I’ll DD if you need assistance.

    Hopefully girlfriend will CFTO and become a little angel… at least in front of other people.

  4. Well it’s a good thing I didn’t throw a tantrum and demand to see you this weekend. That just might have thrown you over the edge. And then we’d both be crying and slurring our words (through all the mega tears).

    And that comment about the toilet paper? Cracked. Me. Up. Because Sweets and I have laughed about it in the past. Thankfully, he was well trained pre-Nilsa.

  5. Ya that toilet paper going under, not cool at all. Must go OVER.

    Don’t worry too much about Girlfriend. She’s a superstar and she is going to shine!

    As for not getting any, you need to recharge and get you some. My boy is a six hour drive away. So you can just imagine what we’re like when we see each other.

  6. Not be a downer on your stressed day because you KNOW that I love you and you make me laugh every day and that makes me love you even more buuuuuut: I’m with Mister. I’ll roll it under any day of the week.

  7. Sorry, sweets. Gotta side with Mister on this one. I was an OVER girl too, until I met Mr. Perfectly and as much as he lets me get my way on ALMOST everything, he insisted that the paper go under. After 20 years, I agree….it’s much easier to pull down and let the paper roll (I’m a compulsive TP user…)

    4 parties to go to? POOR BABY—Being the QOFE and a popular socialite must be so TAXING on the soul. Think of me while you are eating your fabulous cocktail appetizers, because I’ll be horking down a bag of cheetos, watching either Big Brother 10, Food NEtwork, or the Weather channel.

    Girlfriend will be fine. She’ll be an angel, love her preschool teacher more than you and return to her evil toddler status as soon as she gets out of the preschool door. You hate teenagers….the toddler set and I don’t get on well……the are so MOODY. and NEEDY. Those titles are to be MINE not some kid’s!!

    The sex thing? Got nothing…….maybe make sure Mister takes a sick day on Monday, and after you drop GF off at camp he can ‘take your mind’ off of crying…..

  8. p.s. Are you feeling better? Cause I still have an earache.

    p.s.s. I hope matt isn’t talking about ME…..because it’s not HATING….it’s SARCASM, and a possibly lame attempt at the funny again……you know, sometimes it just doesn’t WORK RIGHT.

  9. I have been known to redo the toilet paper to hang OVER (as it should) in friends’ bathrooms. At least they used to be friends. Me? Control issues? What?

  10. Leah- She was an absolute adorable angel at the grocery store this morning, but just get her around another kid and she turns into SATAN.

    Ben- There’s nothing like a little clit in the morning!

    Nilsa- I’ll be at a god damned party, thinking of you…sniffle.

    Marie- SEE? I knew we could be friends. Over all the way, baby!

    Stealthnerd- Then you can come and live with him…after he gives me a little something…

    Shelly- The parties aren’t that fancy. I’d trade them for a bag of Cheetos and some bad TV any day. I don’t think Matt means you, I think he means Girlfriend and Alena.

    Matt- I don’t think it was hating as much as being a dumb bunny and getting carried away.

    Shelly- I do feel better. You might need antibiotics.

    Neth- BUT I NEED SLEEP JUST AS MUCH AS I NEED THE SEX!!!! I’VE GOT A PROBLEM.

  11. ok, Duh…the ‘it’s all about me’ syndrome is starting early on friday…..of COURSE it’s about GF and Alena……now I feel small.

    Ok, you take MY place butt-glued in front of the tv, and I’ll charm the pants off of all your friends.

  12. Ken! That’s my most favorite way to do it. Crissy, try it in the middle of the night, you’re still a little sleepy and it takes you right to that dreamy sex place. Marvey.

    Also, this post might have been word for word the email I sent to Kiala yesterday, except it was about other stuff but the gist is the same — why is my skin crawling with anxiety????

  13. Maybe it’s midsummer anxiety. Or maybe we’re all feeding off each other’s anxiety through the intertubes. Or maybe my husband doesn’t care that spending a bunch of money on iphones is not the best thing to do right now and if he could just wait until Tuesday when we will have plenty of Mondays it would give me less anxiety and also more money with which to buy stupid pretty shiny things at Forever 34.

    I’m with Crissy. I need the sleep and the sex. Being woken up makes me extra cranky.

  14. What the fuck is up with work for you?

    I am also carrying a flimsy umbrella though a thunderous shitstorm at work. I finished my workday yesterday this morning and now I’m back at work!

    And I don’t fuck enough, either.

    What the fuck is wrong with the world?!?

    Tell Girlfriend to kick all their asses at preschool summer camp.

  15. Everyone- Wait a minute! I posted a reply comment to all of you guys and it ate my fucking comment!!! What the fuck? Now it’s doing it to me!!! Oh, heads are gonna roll my friends.

  16. I’m so with you. There must be something in the air causing massive anxiety attacks. The only thing keeping me alive and functional right now is the knowledge that I will have booze tonight and can sleep lots on Sunday. I can not wait for Sunday.

  17. let’s make a deal:

    if i can get full penetration before you wake up, you just sit back and enjoy the ride.

    if not, you can tell me to sod off (if you so please).

    btw, i am appropriating this line:

    “carrying a flimsy umbrella though a thunderous shitstorm”

  18. sex and vodka sound like the perfect cure right now. actually i could use me some of that medicine as well.

    1 and a half hours till 5pm. then it’s vodka to the dome.

  19. I’m back; sorry I’m no help. I agree with the others that GF will be just fine. Here’s the plan at work Monday, we’ll hit the safe and you can make off with the loot – money problem solved, then we’ll secretly exchange the water in the water cooler with vodka. I’ll cover you while you go into the ladies room to “rub one out”. Who doesn’t masturbate at work, right? Um. Did I really just type that?

  20. No matter how tired, if you have someone willing to make the midnight offer, you’re a fool not to accept. I’m without for three weeks while my evening entertainment is playing soldier, so being tired is NO EXCUSE!!!

  21. My my it is on between the non-waker uppers and the waker- uppers. IT IS ON.

    No, it isn’t. I can’t help but feel if we were all a little nearer, the anxiety would be easier.

    Have I mentioned that I’ve stopped drinking in the stupid, stupid hope that it will make me feel less skin crawlie?

    Emailing Kiala 1000 word emails helps too. And riding my bike. Blogging does not help, I fear. We all need a bloggy vacation. Maybe?

    Or maybe I just need lunch.

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