Alice + Frank: A Love Story

So I let Alice out for her morning pee pee and who’s in the yard but this guy:

No, it’s not another Jehovah Witness. It’s Frank.

And if you’re not familiar with Frank, click here.

After that do try to keep up with us here, people.

Despite Mister’s best efforts to pee all over the yard in an attempt to scare Frank away, the varmint remains undeterred. In fact, I think Frank is a peeaphile because he’s still coming by for snacks every day.

He got my mint.

And my chives.

The little sonofabitch.

And Alice knows full well that we’re mad at Frank and so what does she do?

Chase him?

Bark at him and tell him “GO HOME FRANK!”?

Nay, nay.

She walks right up to him and ESKIMO KISSES HIM!!!! (is it still okay to say Eskimo Kissing? I know sitting Indian Style is now criss cross applesauce, so is it Eskimo American Kissing, or do we call it something else? Nosy nosy canoodle? Help me.)

Why not just let him fuck you Alice? And then you two can live happily ever after in a nest down by the pond and raise your little family of mint eating Schnauzerchuck babies.

I mean seriously!

I just paid $40 to have her hair cut yesterday, and she has a vet appointment on Friday at which I will be forced, again, to defend her when the vet tells me she’s “overweight” and I will have to cover her ears to protect her against his insensitive remarks and insist that she’s just fluffy!  and then choke the vet until he concurs and also it will be expensive. You’d think the least she could do is refrain from flirting with garden eating woodland creatures.

Where is the love?  Where is the gratitude Internet?

When there’s no respect for The QOFE, I turn into a cranky pants.

Just sayin’.

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  1. I’ve heard of muskrat love, but this is just perverted. I bet Schnauzerchuck babies would be adorable though. What would one feed a schnauzerchuck? And criss cross applesauce, hysterical.

  2. Um…sometimes my funny goes away and instead I’m left with a paranoid, hand wringing ugly . What if Frank is sick or something? Garden eating woodland creatures normally don’t let the Alice-likes NEAR them…….even though Alice didn’t do her canine DUTY and run his ass off, normally, I’d think that a RODENT would run at the mere sight of a newly coiffed Alice–Eskimo Kissing between species SCREAMS rabies to me. I’d call the RODENT POLICE and make Frank get a blood test before you let Alice near him again…..Tell Frank that Alice will get a test too just for the sake of FAIRNESS. Until results come back, I’d be sure to have the ‘talk’ with Alice and arm her with Woodchuck condoms–because you know how these woodchucks are. SNEAKY.

  3. I think it’s probably time to tell Frank to scram in the non-polite way. i.e. You may want to start using your shotgun cause he doesn’t seem to be getting a hint.

  4. Where’s the heavy artillery you are installing in the car? Because I’m no vermin expert, but I THINK that would probably scare the vegetable-munching crap out of Frank.

  5. Where are the supersoakers? Where are the laser trip wires? Where is the barbed wire and land mines? You need to get on this.

    I know. I’ll let you borrow Coral, she’s taken on Great Danes, Horses, and Deer. Frank should be no problem for her to take out.

  6. She’s sensitive. She’s has a soft heart. Maybe you can take Frank in and he can be a member of the Crissy family, and then, when he’s asleep in his woodland creature bed, you can smother him with a pillow. Or crush up rat poison into his gerbal milk. Because that’s how ladies do it.

  7. I’m telling you – do what Sweets dad does. Set traps. Humane traps. And once Frank has nowhere to run. Spray paint his bum. And drop him off in the local forest preserve where he’ll be the laughing stock of all the other jackass Franks out there.

  8. Arthur used to have regular morning meetings with the raccoons in the backyard of my old apartment building. I guess they thought he was one of them, but he is not.

    He is a purebred Himalayan Gay Ragdoll.


  9. seriously, keep an eye on them lest you wake up in the middle of the night tied to a stake and forced to shit in the backyard…..mmmm sounds like my honeymoon

  10. Oh, those two totally party when you guys aren’t home, don’t they? I bet it was Frank’s idea to raid the garbage can when Alice got sick.

  11. My dog? Yeah…he’d bark and then try to instigate a chase…as long as he’s the one being chased because HOW FUN IS THAT?? Not fun at all, Calvin, especially when you realize that Frank is going to make you his bitch once he’s done with Alice.

  12. Crissy, you have those tennis balls you bought for throwing at cars, right?? Tennis Balls, people…they solve many evils!!!

  13. It sounds like you’ll have to sit and have a chat with Alice and tell her she’s no longer allowed to see Frank. Tell her you’re doing her a favor that Frank is a bad influence.

  14. “He got my mint. And my chives. The little sonofabitch.”

    We got the same problem. Only difference is that deers eat our plants.

  15. What is this, year of the woodchuck? Everyone I know seems to have issues with the cute little critters lately.

    By the way, I know an 11 year old boy who would gladly take care of Frank with his pellet gun.

  16. Perhaps not the most humane..and you may not want girlfriend around when it happens but .22 rifles are pretty quick and relatively painless…I miss Pennsylvania…

  17. the picture caught my attention because it looks like a fat squirrel… and i thought it was, until i clicked on the not-familiar-with-frank link. many of the squirrels in michigan are actually fatter than frank. it may be the crazy weather?

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